ROUGH RYDERS: Week Eight

Let me start this week's ROUGH RYDER Recap by quoting Wayne Larrivee from The Packer's Radio Network, and his call of the final play in Green Bay's overtime victory over the Denver Broncos last night.

"EIGHTY YARDS AND A DAGGER IN THE HEART OF THE MILE HIGH CITY!!!!!"

Ahhh yes...On the first play from scrimmage in overtime, Brett Favre hooked up with WR Greg Jennings for a 80 yard TD pass, and the Packers defeated the Broncos 19-13 to improve their record to an improbable 6-1...Are the Packers for real? They're definitely the best team in the NFC Central, and only a complete meltdown in the second half of the season will keep them from the playoffs now...Yeah, we're flying high in Packerland this season...

But that's the NFL, and this is the APFL, and this week our beloved Rough Ryders started Jay Cutler, QB for those poor Broncos, and for his part, filled in quite well for Tony Romo, who was enjoying his BYE week by drinking whiskey out of the navel of his girlfriend, B-List actress, Sophia Bush. Cutler had a solid fantasy game (12.5 FP) in the loss to the Packers, so things worked out splendidly all around. Also, consider that I dropped my previous backup QB, Vince Young, a couple of weeks ago, and this week he produced a pathetic 2.5 fantasy points...Also, remember that Young was my third round draft pick, and Romo was a 12th rounder...I am an idiot and a genius all rolled into one, and professional football is a bitch.

Chad Johnson is a bitch, too. Those rumblings outta Cincinnati last week were Ocho-Cinco asking to be traded...The result - his most paltry performance of the season thus far, and a meager 10.10 FP...Good thing I'm pretty well-stocked at WR, cuz Johnson might end up on the bench before long...Man, how things can get fucked up sooooo fast...

Kevin Curtis and Bernard Berrian didn't do any better in my other two WR slots, and thankfully my fantasy opponent this week, The Roid Ragers, had four of his starters on BYE...I didn't see the Eagles game, but it appears it was all or nothing for Curtis this week, as he only had 3 catches, but they were good for 76 yards...Meanwhile, Brian Griese couldn't get the ball to Berrian either, and BB ended up with 4 lousy catches for 45 crappy yards.

Likewise, LaDainian Tomlinson and Marshawn Lynch were both disappointments at my RB positions...LT didn't crack 100 yards on the ground, and he had 1 catch for 1 yard, with no touchdowns in a 35 point blowout over the Texans...And Lynch was expected to ride roughshod all over Jets defense this weekend...Instead, he squeezed out his typical 80 yards and nothing more...Lynch will likely hit the bench next weekend, and Kevin Jones will get the nod cuz KJ outperformed both of my starters this week, rushing for 105 yards and a TD while sitting on the pines for me...

But then I've got Hines Ward starting in the flex position, and he had his biggest game of the year so far - 8 catches, 88 yards, and 2 touchdowns (and almost a third), to lead our beloved ROUGH RYDERS in FP this week with 28.8 FP...It would appear Hine's knee injury is a thing of the past, and moving forward, I look forward to him being Roethlisberger's most dependable target in Pittsburgh...Hell yeah! Let this be a lesson, Chad = Have fun, but quit yr bitchin' and play the fucking game.

Meanwhile, TE superstud Tony Gonzalez had a BYE this week, so about 10 minutes prior to kick-off, I grabbed the Bears' Greg Olsen out of Free Agency and plugged him into my starting lineup, and genius that I am half the time, Olsen ended up with Gonzalez-like numbers - 6 catches, 59 yards, and a touchdown - good for 17.9 FP and the second highest score in my starting lineup...

Once again the Bears' defense played fairly well in a low-scoring loss to the Detroit Lions...11.6 FP isn't stellar by their standards, but teams no longer kick the ball directly to return stud Devin Hester, and it has made all the difference lately...

Defensively, I've now got two Pittsburgh Steelers at DB - Ike Taylor and my main man, Troy Polamalu...Both were good for 5 FP, or "double nickels", which is cool because the Minutemen's Double Nickels On The Dime is oftentimes my favorite album of all-time, and sometimes that kind of tenuous connection is cool enough for me...Still, I'm seriously considering breaking up my Steelers DB tandem by picking up the Packers' Atari Bigby. He's an undrafted, unproven 2nd-year safety out of the University of Central Florida (huh?), and his name is Atari.

Lance Briggs had his usual good game, and thankfully I didn't need one of his brilliant games this week (here's hoping Week 9 is one of those), and Nick Barnett bordered on brilliant this week, as he usually does...For the record, an IDP that hits double digits in FP is "brilliant" to me...Barnett had 10 FP last night, but buy this morning, the Powers That Be in the NFL had taken away one of his tackles, lowering his tally to 9 FP...

But still...

"80 YARDS AND A DAGGER IN THE HEART OF THE MILE HIGH CITY!!!!!"

Oh yeah - Green Bay's kicker, Mason Crosby, was good for 7 FP this week, and that'll do, Mason, that'll do...

Our beloved WINONA ROUGH RYDERS are 6-2.

Onward to the Nest Of Death in Week Nine...

Hotcha! Hank

Approximately Inevitable Ono Maneuver

Yoko Ono: "Fly"

Hank Mohaski: "Hotcha!"

Delayed Thurston Sideways Maneuver

"Bow down to the queen of noise."

So yeah, this is a video for "Ono Soul", a song off Thurston Moore's solo debut, Psychic Hearts, and it's a tight piece of lumpen cuz I [heart] Thurston, and Psychic Hearts is a damn solid album of SY Pop Lite stylings, and I also [heart] Yoko Ono quite alot. I love her so much, in fact, that I even wrote and recorded two different songs about her..."Onoboner" from approximately 1988, and "Usflux" in 2000. Some sunny day in 2012, I will write a third.

Beatle fans and critics in general who hate Yoko and think she ruined and broke up the Beatles aren't really true fans or good critics. Yoko Ono was the best thing that ever happened to John Lennon as an artist, and probably as a person, and in turn, a more interesting Lennon made for a more interesting Beatles...

We are all products of our influences - even the Beatles, who escaped their Skiffle roots through Bob Dylan and his weed, George Martin's studio prowess, Indian music and spirituality, Buck Owens, LSD, and Yoko Ono, just to name a few. The White Album is a monumental collage of all these influences and dozens more, and it is certainly their most interesting and musical recording, if not their defining one. Personally, I think Sgt. Peppers is a fine pop record, but it's probably only my fifth or sixth favorite Beatle record.

For her part, Yoko was doing her own thing, her own songs and recordings, which were/are just as diverse and interesting as The White Album, if not quite as appealing musically (depending on yr tastes)...Her singing in particular, can oftentimes be tough for Western minds to get with, as we don't tend to like and appreciate atonal music the way Eastern people do...Still, at other times, she sang straightforward ballads that tend to appeal to our Western sensibilities, and they're quite lovely...She worked with Ornette Coleman and John Cage, the guys from Can, and our man, Zappa, to name just a few...To dismiss Yoko Ono as a musical dilettante is definitely short-sighted, and the rest comes down to taste, I guess...

Dada...Fluxus...NYC No Wave...The ButterScotch Threshold...

Those are some of my tastes, and I [heart] Thurston and Yoko and the approximately infinite universe they reflect and inspire.

Hotcha! Hank

R.I.P. Max McGee

I had been meaning to do this post since last Saturday, 20Oct07, when Max McGee, beloved former wide receiver of the Lombardi-era Green Bay Packers died after falling off the roof of his home while removing leaves with a leaf blower.

I say this with all due respect, but this was a fitting death for good ol' Max, who bucked convention all his life. I mean, picture a 75 year old man, probably with a drink or three under his belt, up on the roof of his house with a leaf blower, even though his wife warned him not to do it.

That was Max McGee in a nutshell - a free-spirited, hard partying iconoclast who never said never.

Now, I don't know if Max's death was a big story where you live, but here in Wisconsin, it's been a huge deal, if only because Max McGee was a larger-than-life character who was an essential part of life and culture here in Packerland for the better part of 50 years.

In the his first team meeting after being hired as the Packers' head coach, Vince Lombardi started by holding up a pigskin and telling his team, "This is a football." Max, being Max, responded, "Wait, wait, slow down, Coach." That was Max McGee.

In the first Super Bowl in 1966, McGee wasn't expecting to play, as he was an aging 9th year veteran who no longer started for the Packers, so he broke the team's curfew the night before to party hard in typical McGee fashion, and was in no condition, really, to play in the big game, even telling the starting WR, Boyd Dowler, "I hope you don't get hurt, cuz I'm not in very good shape." He was so sure he wouldn't play, in fact, that he left his helmet in the locker room. So when Dowler separated his shoulder very early in the game, McGee was called upon to get onto the field, and he had to borrow a teammate's helmet. That was Max McGee.

McGee went on to catch seven passes for 138 yards and two touchdowns, leading the Packers to victory over the KC Chiefs in Super Bowl I. That clutch performance, hangover and all, was Max McGee, too.

After his pro career ended, Max became the color commentator for the "Packers Radio Network", sitting alongside play-by-play man Jim Irwin, and that's where my own personal association and fond memories of Max McGee began, really. Max McGee put the COLOR in "Color Commentator"...Not only was he witty and fun, but he was informative as only an 11 year veteran of the NFL, and a Vince Lombardi player, can be. Sooo many Sundays me, my dad, my friends, whomever, would turn down the volume on the TV, turn on WTMJ, and listen to Max and Jim while watching the Packer game. This happened all over Wisconsin, because Max and Jim were infinitely better sportcaster than anyone the television networks were using.

Plus, he drank on the air, something that actually got him in trouble on more than one occasion.

But drunk Max, doing color for Packers radio, was a good and great thing, and made the long, lean years of the 70's and 80's, when the Packers outright sucked, more palatable. The Packers didn't win many games in those decades, but damn if Max didn't make all that misery somehow fun. That was Max McGee.

And if you think I'm just being crass for loving drunk Max, making jokes and ranting on the radio, keep in mind that he was named Wisconsin Sportscaster Of The Year an unprecedented TEN times in his 29 year broadcasting career. He was that good, drunk or not.

Finally, it needs to be noted that Max was also the major partner in developing the Chi-Chi's Mexican Restaurant chain. For those of you who are not bilingual, "Chi-Chi" is slang for "tits" in Spanish. Whether or not it was intentional, THAT was Max McGee as well.

The original OCHO CINCO...

Rest in peace, Max McGee. You were one of a kind, you are legendary, and you are already sorely missed.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 43

I've been in several bands over the years, most of them Punk, Metal, or some combination of the two, and all of 'em were loud. Still, I blame Sonic Youth for the slight ringing in my left ear and the migraines I get from time to time.

I don't know what year it was (late '80's/early '90's), and what album they were touring, but one of the six or seven times I've seen Sonic Youth over the years was in a small cafeteria at UW-Milwaukee. The ceiling was 15, maybe 20, feet high, and I was about ten feet from the stage, with a wall of PA speakers, stacked floor to ceiling, extending out into the crowd on both sides of the "pit". It was the single loudest, scuzziest, feedbackingest show I've ever witnessed, and revealed every last one of my Punk Metal bands to be nothing but soft and tender wannabes.

It can sometimes be easy to hear Sonic Youth as little more that a loud, scuzzy, feedback-laden noise band, and unfortunately, that short-sightedness makes one miss the most essential element of their music, and that is the supreme melodicism that lurks just under the surface of all that scuzziness and feedback. Not all the time, but alot of the time, Sonic Youth, to put it simply, write and play beautiful music.

Thurston Moore: Trees Outside The Academy: "The Shape Is In A Trance"

Thurston Moore recently released his second solo album, and what's coolest about this recording, I believe, is that in it's gentler, softer sounds, once can still hear the essence of Sonic Youth, but stripped of the scuzz and feedback, one is able to fully hear and appreciate the beauty that has been the true heart of Thurston's band from the start, or at least since their Bad Moon Rising album.

Hotcha! Hank

ROUGH RYDERS: Week Seven

Last week our beloved Rough Ryders tallied their highest score of the season thus far, and still managed to lose to the Vocal Removers. This week, they tallied their lowest score of the season, and still defeated Buggylicious. Such are the strange and unpredictable ways of fantasy football. It also helps when your opponent's fantasy team has three of it's starters inactive for their games.

Indeed, the beloved Rough Ryders scored about 85 points less than they did last week, but we can't chalk that up solely to LaDainian Tomlinson being on a BYE. Instead, we must simply chalk it up to the vagaries of athletics. Even the best of athletes and teams have "off" games, and sometimes, in terms of fantasy football, several players on one team can have "off" games at the same time.

For example. Cowboys QB Tony Romo didn't have a horrendous outing, but he certainly didn't have a great game. Just a good enough game to help the Cowboys defeat the Vikings. 12.63 fantasy points is about half of his season average thus far. That's the way it goes.

Likewise, Bengals' WR Chad Johnson had a pretty good game by most standards, except by Chad Johnson standards...This may be a trend because #85 has been a bit unhappy lately, getting into arguments with his QB on the sidelines, and grousing a bit to the media. The result of all this? Carson Palmer apparently now considers TJ Houshmandzadeh his #1 target. A wide receiver can't get pissy with his QB and expect to get the ball fed to him all game, every game. Nice job, Ocho-Cinco!

Then there's Patrick Crayton. It's tough to tell how well he's going to do from week to week, and all season it's either been feast or famine. This week, it was famine, supplemented by a fumble. This is what happens when you're the third, possibly fourth, receiving option, on your team, and can't seem to catch or hang onto passes the few times they're thrown your way.

Chiefs' TE Tony Gonzalez had a huge game last week. This week, not so much. Again, such are the strange and unpredictable ways of fantasy football.

How about "The Rack", Neil Rackers...Rackers typically puts up good fantasy numbers for me, but this week, he had few FG opportunities, not to mention missing his first PAT of the Cardinals/Redskins game, which led to the quote of the week from FOX announcer Howie Long: "Neil Rackers was voted 'Sexiest Player' in the NFL last year, and apparently the angriest as well." Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Chicago's team defense didn't fare too well, fantasy-wise. The Bears still beat the Eagles, holding them to 16 points, but aside from a couple of sacks, there were no fumble recoveries or interceptions, and the Eagles successfully kept the ball away from return man extraordinaire, Devin Hester the entire game. So rather than the usually 20 fantasy points, the Bears' defense managed only 6.

And as a unit, my two DBs and two DLs didn't really contribute much either. I won't waste any time or effort commenting on them, except to say, "Roy Williams, you never, never, ever deliver when you need to deliver."

There were a couple of bright spots on our beloved Rough Ryders this week, however...

Bills' RB Marshawn Lynch continues to play well, if not stellar. He is the only bright spot on a woeful Buffalo offense, and so far this season he accounts for four of the teams five total touchdowns. Five touchdowns in six games. It doesn't get much worse than that. Anyways, Lynch provided 18.8 fantasy points, which is slightly better than his average.

And then, there's the Lions' Kevin Jones, who finally started his first game of the season after slowly recovering from a foot injury. Just Another Team had dropped Jones earlier in the week for reason I'm not sure about, except to say that Just Another Team is a pretty good fantasy team, and perhaps Jones didn't figure into the plans. Anyways, I picked up Jones from the waiver wires late in the week, and spot started him in place of LT, and damn if KJ didn't lead our beloved Rough Ryders in fantasy points this week. Such are the strange and upredictable ways of fantasy football. KJ will remain on my team the rest of the way, even if he doesn't start...Better to have him sitting on my bench than starting for somebody else.

And that's about it for this week. Our beloved Rough Ryders won again, but the victory lacked drama and suspense, and the team, as a whole, definitely underperformed. I would imagine things will improve this week, but of course, anything can happen. That's why they play the games.

Hotcha!

Hank

Underground Sideways Maneuver

OMG, Paul is soooo HOTTT!!!!!!

Such are the comments at YouTube, and hey, the ladies are right...Of course, this is a song about Thatcher's England and the blight of conservative politics in general, racial unrest in the UK, and Reagan's cowboy diplomacy and Cold War tensions..."Going Underground" wasn't just about disconnecting from mainstream society, it was also about getting down in the bunker, waiting for the bombs to start falling everywhere...

That's entertainment! This is The Jam.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 42

Paul Weller! The Modfather!

30 years in the game, first with the incendiary and legendary band, The Jam, then at the vanguard of the Jazzpop scene with The Style Council, and finally rocking the Heavy Soul and British Folk and just about everything else as a solo artist...

Paul Weller: As Is Now: "From The Floorboard Up": 128k mp3

I've got plenty of heroes, many of them musicians/songwriters, and Paul Weller is certainly near the top...I'm pretty sure he's a national treasure in England, but here in the States, he's always kind of flown under the radar...And I often wonder if Weller himself feels like he's always stood in the shadows of Elvis Costello, a contemporary of his who's legacy has been fairly well established for awhile now...I know I kinda feel that way...As much as I love Mr. Weller, I love Mr. Costello just a little bit more, which I probably shouldn't write in a post about Paul, but there it is...

Anyways, I had 30 years of Weller-penned songs to pick from, and thought I'd pick one from his last studio album, 2005's As Is Now....I chose "From The Floorboards Up" because I believe it ably combines the raw Punk energy of the earliest Jam, with an R'n'B flair that hearkens back to The Style Council...

30 years of greatness captured in one quick'n'dirty song...

Hotcha! Hank

Lily Ronstadt

When I was a boy, not only did I come to admire and appreciate Linda Ronstadt's singing voice, but I also thought she was a stone cold fox. Still do, actually...

This is Linda at about the age of 22-24.

I think Lily Allen is a stone cold fox.

Hotcha! Hank

You're No Good

This is a really smart and sultry video mashup featuring Amy Winehouse doing her song "You Know I'm No Good", and Linda Ronstadt and her '70's smash hit, "You're No Good"...A very nice and natural mix of title, sentiment, delivery, etc, but I'm not entirely sure if this if an official video (doubt it) or some random VJ's handiwork...That link in the bottom left of the video leads to a blog entitled "Becoming A Pick-Up Artist", and a quick rundown of the site makes me doubt the same person is behind both...But whatever...It's an excellent mash of two excellent songs, and the video work is just as solid...

And of course, some of you might know of my love of Linda Ronstadt, which I got directly from my mom...I would guess she played Linda Ronstadt records more than any other artist with the possible exception of Elvis Presley...

Hotcha! Hank

EVERYTHINGATHON!

Thanks to our man in OKC, deject, the new EVERYTHINGATHON! website is up and running!

Ayup.

I could have resurrected Thee ButterScotch Threshold, but decided (because I'm another Decider) to head in a new direction, especially since the EVERYTHINGATHON! podcast was the only regularly updated part of Thee BST for the past year or so...

So, here we are...

I have no idea if I'll stick to the design of the site, and if you have an opinion on any of that, let me know...Keep in mind I use MS Frontpage because I believe in the potency of cheap music, which is just another way of saying you get more mileage from a cheap pair of sneakers, which is just another way of saying "High Performance, Low Art", which has been my personal motto since the summer of 1985, at a truckstop somewhere on the outskirts of St. Augustine, FL...

But anyways...This month's EVERYTHINGATHON! is entitled GROUPIE CONFIDENTIAL, and yes, it's all about HOT GROUPIE ACTION...And because I'm gonna stick to the tradition of posting a new podcast at the beginning of every month, this month's podcast will only be available for two weeks, so get yr streaming done RIGHT NOW!

Again, a thousand thanks to DEJECT, for making this possible...The check will be in the mail by the end of the week...

Hotcha!

Hank

ROUGH RYDERS: Week Six

Our beloved Rough Ryders tallied their highest score of the season in Week Six.

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Really, with the exception of Patriots' RB Sammy Morris (a late pick-up who was spot-starting for BYE-Weeker Marshawn Lynch), everybody in my starting line-up played to expectations, and in some instances, totally fucking exceeded all expectations.

Ayup, the beloved Rough Ryders tallied 209 fantasy points this weekend, and we still fucking LOST to the dreaded Vocal Removers (managed by Illiterite Wino), who scrapped together a heartbreakingly impressive 218 fantasy points.

WE FUCKING LOST!

But I can't feel too badly about it, cuz there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome...Unlike our loss in Week Three to the Mana Junkies, when I got cocky and started Vince Young instead of Tony Romo, a decision that directly led to that loss...

No, this week there were no managerial mistakes on my part. Plain and simple I got beat by an excellent fantasy football team that likewise met or exceeded all of Wino's expectations...

Look at that roster of his - Brady, Moss and Welker, the three most important and prolific players on the most potent offense in the NFL, and this past Sunday all three of them essentially had their best games of the season...Boom! Boom! Boom!

I had the Stat-Tracker up and running during the game, and you can't imagine the sick feeling that washes over one when Brady hooked up with one of those receivers and seeing 15+ points added to the Vocal Removers' score...Three times that happened. Boom! Boom! Boom!

Meanwhile, I've got Tony Romo and Patrick Crayton on my team, and yes, they hooked up for a TD, and Crayton had about as good a game as Moss did, but fantasy-wise, Romo was only good, not great, this weekend. Yes, he was "The Matador", but he wasn't Tom Brady.

And then there's LT...In last week's recap, I basically begged LT to have his best game of the year this weekend, and damn if he didn't deliver...In fact, if I'm not mistaken, LT had the highest fantasy score of the weekend in the entire NFL, and that includes Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson running roughshod all over the Bears defense this weekend...Anyways, LT "The President" delivered HUUUUGE, but unfortunately, it was all for nought...198 rushing yards and 4 touchdowns...All for nothing. Well, not nothing, cuz it kept the beloved Rough Ryders competitive...

Elsewhere, Chad Johnson had a somewhat disappointing game this weekend, going without a TD catch despite 8 catches for 83 yards...Kevin Curtis had a very good game, exceeding my expectations for him...5 catches, 121 yards, and a TD...And Bernard Berrian having a solid game, scoring his first TD of the year...

As I mentioned earlier, Sammy Morris was the only real disappointment this weekend...He ran like an invalid through the first three quarters, and then actually went down with a mysterious "chest injury" in the fourth...It all added up to an absolutely pathetic 14 rushing yards...And to add insult to Patriot injury, he didn't even catch a pass from Brady, who typically makes completions to the towelboys and cheerleaders in most games, you know? Yeah, Morris was a fucking bust, but even if I would have started DeShaun Foster, it wouldn't have mattered. Even if I had started Julius Jones, rather than drop Jones for Morris earlier in the week, it wouldn't have mattereed. Or????? Listen, Adrian Peterson didn't have to run all over the Bears' defense, who gave up a sickening 34 points to the Vikings this weekend. Maybe if the Bears' defense didn't have a fantasy collapse this weekend, our beloved Rough Ryders beat the Vocal Removers...

But anyways, I gotta mention TE Tony Gonzalez, who had a fantastic game this weekend, catching 2 TD passes and racking up 102 yards...His first TD was the 63rd of his career, making him the career TD leader in the NFL at his Tight End position...Congrats to you, Tony, and thanks for playing great so far this season...Keep it up, cuz we all know Larry Johnson ain't getting it done...

Defensively, my DLs, Nick Barnett and Lance Briggs had their typically solid games, but my DBs continue to be a sore spot for me...An injury that really wasn't an injury (Asante Samuel) and a BYE week, Ike Taylor, forced me to the Free Agency pool in search of replacements...So I grabbed the Bears' Adam Archuleta, figuring any sack, interception or fumble recovery would give me double the points...He had a tepid 4 tackles and nothing else...He certainly didn't tackle the Purple Jesus...And then I grabbed the Cowboys' Roy Williams, who obviously didn't cover Moss or Welker very well, and only managed 3 of his horse-collars...Um, I mean, tackles...

So...

I should mention that Illiterite Wino is from Cleveland, and he's got the Browns' two most potent weapons on his fantasy team, WR Braylon Edwards and TE Kellen Winslow...And damn if they didn't come up big this weekend, especially Edwards, who had 3 TD catches...You can bet yr ass that those two guys were a big help to Wino and the Removers this weekend, and considering that Cleveland beat Miami in a shootout, I figure Wino's gotta be walking around with a boner, even now on Tuesday night. Even though he's drunk. Right now. On wine.

Fuck Sammy Morris. Our beloved Rough Ryders are 4-2.

Hotcha! Hank

ROUGH RYDERS: Week Five

According to the braintrust at Yahoo!, our beloved Winona Rough Ryders should have destroyed the 100% Fleece Fighters by approximately 60 points. Instead, we went into Monday nights game between the Cowboys and the Bills with a 20 point deficit. Now, despite that 20 point deficit, I was confident that a victory was still imminent, as I still had Romo, Crayton, and Lynch to play in that game, and Romo himself was more than capable of closing that gap and leading us to victory all by himself.

Instead, Tony Romo threw FIVE interceptions and gave up a fumble and the Cowboys almost lost to the lowly Bills. Instead of 20+ fantasy points, Romo was only good for 5, and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster Patrick Crayton had one of his good games instead of one of his non-existent games. And hell, thanks also that Marshawn Lynch turned in one of his solid, dependable, better-than-average-but-not-stellar performances.

What else we got?

We got Megatron (Calvin Johnson), returning from a back injury that forced him out of his game in Week Three. I didn't see the Detroit-Washington game, but his 1.3 fantasy points (which reflects a single 3 yard reception) suggests that he hardly played, re-injured himself, or Washington's defense really is better than most people think. Certainly not solid, and thus far this season, Megatron has hardly been consistent or dependable. He's a rookie, and he's got shitloads of potential, but the problem appears to be a Lions offense with FOUR very good recievers and a QB (Jon Kitna) who's gotta share his love with all of 'em, in addition to his usual 2-4 turnovers a game. I've seen enough of Megatron already to say that he's going to be an elite WR in the NFL, if he can stay healthy, and if he can become an undeniable target for Kitna. On the plus side, Detroit's defense is pretty rancid, and the Lions are gonna be throwing a ton all season...

Then we've got Bernard Berrian. Green Bay's secondary held BB in check, and he went to the bench with a toe injury in the third quarter with a single catch for ten yards. Dude was averaging 14 fp per game previously. And let me just say that toe injuries piss me off. Chris Brown of the Titans had turf toe through most of the 2005 season, and was a big reason why our beloved Rough Ryders finished 6th in the APFL that year. Numb the fucker up and play, I say.

And then we've got Patrick Crayton. When Romo wasn't throwing interceptions, he managed to find Crayton six times for a bunch of yards and most importantly, a crucial touchdown late in the game, when the Bills melted down in an absurdly impressive fashion, even for them.

LaDainlian Tomlinson had an average game by his standards...No touchdowns and thankfully I didn't need 'em. LT's gotta explode one of these weeks. Hopefully next week against Oakland, cuz our beloved Rough Ryders matchup with The Vocal Removers, who are loaded with Patriots and currently tied for 2nd place with us in the APFL. C'mon LT - just one HUGE game this year...

Marshawn Lynch was his typically solid-but-not-stellar self against the Cowboys, so this rookie makes me mostly happy, considering all the doom and woe in Buffalo.

Tony Gonzalez has picked up his game in the past couple weeks, and I see no reason why that won't continue. On the other side of the matchup, 100% Fleece Fighters had Ben Watson in their TE slot, and he went off for 29 fantasy points to their team to defeat.

Back on my side of this week's matchup, the Chicago Bears defense led the Rough Ryders with 19.9 fantasy points. This is bittersweet, of course, because the Bears defense had a huge hand in the Green Bay Packers' defeat. 2 interceptions and 3 fumble recoveries. Twas a sad day in Packerland...

Speaking of the Bears' defense, I dropped Lance Briggs this week because both Yahoo and ESPN were telling me that he was gonna sit on the bench because of his groin. Naturally, he went on to make 16 tackles, while his replacement on the Rough Ryders, Keith Bulluck, had 3 tackles. I will not drop Lance Briggs during his Week Nine BYE. Unless he injures himself in a Lambourghini accident. Meanwhile, Nick Barnett was his usual unsung goodness, going for 9 quiet, but important, fantasy points.

Both of my DBs, Asante Samuel and Ike Taylor, had interceptions this week, plus they knocked down a bunch of balls. Neither of 'em made many tackles.

Finally, Neil "The Rack" Rackers was good for a rock solid dozen fantasy points. He may be a kicker, but he's a kicker with a nickname, and that's just one more reason why our beloved Rough Ryders are gonna win the APFL crown this season.

Right now, we're 4-1, and we would have been 5-0 if I had put 100% of my faith in Tony Romo against Chicago in Week Three, but whatcha gonna do?

Onward to Week Six, and the toughest matchup of the season against the Vocal Removers. It's all gonna ride on the Cowboys-Patriots game, a possible preview of this year's Super Bowl.

Please stand by.

Hotcha!
Hank

ROUGH RYDERS: Week Four

The New England Patriots held Chad Johnson in check last night, which isn't such a big suprise, because like any great defensive unit, you focus your game plan to neutralize your opponent's biggest threat, and "Ocho-Cinco" is one of the biggest threats in the entire NFL.


This whole scenario might have worried me, if our beloved Rough Ryders hadn't absolutely CRUSHED Team Excelsior (managed by Moe Train) this weekend, making Chad Johnson inconsequential to the outcome. It took some of the excitement out of following the game via Yahoo! Fantasy's Stat-Tracker while I watched Arrested Development on DVD...


Having learned my mistake from last week, Tony Romo was back in my lineup this weekend, and yes, he continues to be the hottest QB in the NFL and an absolute fantasy football stud. He, and the rest of the Cowboys' offense, destroyed St. Louis, which really isn't saying much, but hey, I can say this - "The Rough Ryders got 'El Matador'."


And speaking of nicknames, we've also got "Megatron" (Calvin Johnson), even though Megatron didn't play this weekend because of a vague back injury. In his place, Bernard Berrian stepped into my #2 WR spot, and had his best game of the season. It would appear the benching of Sex Cannon Grossman won't have any sort of impact on Berrian's fantasy value, nevermind that Chicago's offense was as ineffective as usual with Brian Griese at the helm.


Likewise, Hines Ward is out with a sprained knee, so recent acquisition Kevin Curtis earned the #3 WR spot in my lineup. Unfortunately, Donovan McNabb was sacked a dozen times by the Giants' defense, meaning that Philadelphia's entire offense, especially the passing game, was lame beyond belief. Curtis' fantasy numbers reflect that.


Meanwhile, another acquisition this past week, Lee Evans, sat on my bench, but finally showed some signs of fantasy life. I picked up Evans off the free agency wire, which is utterly ridiculous at this point in the season. Sure, he was useless in the first three weeks, but you don't drop a #1 WR like Evans unless he's injured. No, you sit him on the bench, and wait for Buffalo's offense to get their shit together, which they are starting to do, now that Losman is out with a blown knee. If nothing else, it's better to have Evans on yr bench than on somebody else's team. Now, the beloved Rough Ryders have a strong receiving corps, and it's possible that I might not even use Evans every week, but on the other hand...Bottom line is that Evans had a better fantasy weekend than Chad Johnson and Kevin Curtis, and that's not a fluke. Evans has great hands, and is one of the better deep threats in the NFL. Plus, he played college ball for Wisconsin. Go Badgers!


LaDainian Tomlinson was back in LT form this week. Finally. Even though he had a really good game, he was still my #3 fantasy scorer this week, behind the aforementioned Tony Romo, and the Chicago Bears team defense.


Ahhh, the Chicago Bears defense. Despite the fact that 5 of their starters were out with injuries this week (including Rough Ryder Lance Briggs), they still managed to put together their best fantasy performance of the season thus far. The biggest thing I've got to mention is that they blocked two more kicks this weekend. In four games thus far this season, they've blocked FIVE kicks. FIVE! There are teams that don't block five kicks in a season, or even five seasons.


Plus, Devin Hester ran back a kickoff for a touchdown, which scores fantasy points for me. He already ran back a punt return in week two, a game in which he ran back another kickoff which was unfortunately called back on a holding penalty. Hester is a return demon, and I'm glad I get the fantasy points for it.


Speaking of defensive play, Asante Samuel is starting to shake off the rust of his pre-season contract hold-out and play Pro-Bowl calibre football. He had his second interception of the season, as well a handful of tackles and a couple of pass defenses. Can't ask for much more from a DB. On the other side, Bob Sanders got hurt at some point during the Colts-Bronco game, and only came up with 3 fantasy points. I've already dropped him in favor of the Steelers' Ike Taylor. Yeah, I could have re-signed my guy, Troy Polamalu, but Polamalu injured his abdomen on a fumble recovery, and I'm not sure of his status...


At DL, I swapped AJ Hawk for another Packer linebacker, Nick Barnett, who had another solid, dependable game. Meanwhile, James Farrior did not. I have dropped him, and am anticipating that Lance Briggs will be back on the field this weekend.


Oh yeah, my TE, Tony Gonzalez, has been playing well the past two weeks, and I'm glad because TE in such a tough position, fantasy-wise.


Anyways, it was a fairly boring fantasy week this week, as Team Excelsior didn't pose much of a threat, and winning a matchup by 80+ points is anti-climatic. Our beloved Rough Ryders, however, were the highest scoring team in the APFL this week, which means I get to see the team's name in "lights" in this banner ad for Viagra, which is ever-present on our league's home page.

Erectile dysfunction and the men who play fantasy football. Yeah, it makes sense.

Hotcha! Hank