HANK RANKS, No. 13

My 10 Favorite Little Pete Put-Downs
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The Adventures Of Pete & Pete was a children's show on Nickelodeon for three seasons back in the early 1990's, and for me, it's quite simply one of the greatest television shows of all time, whether it was made for kids, or not. The show is odd, oftentimes outright surreal, but never outlandish in the wrong kind of way, and what I mean is that not only is the show consistent in it's strangeness, but the strangeness always feel perfectly normal if we consider it as the perceptions of a very imaginative child. The weird characters and crazy adventures actually make sense when considered in this way.

Big Pete, a high schooler, is the narrator of the adventures, and yet the stories themselves are typically from his younger brother's, Little Pete's, perspective. It's almost as if Little Pete's life is so crazy busy that he doesn't have time to sit back and tell the tales himself, and even if he did, we probably wouldn't believe him anyways. We do believe Big Pete though, not only because he's a bit older, but because he's arguably the most level-headed character in the whole town of Wellsville. He's our anchor to reality, the calm voice telling us that no matter how unbelievable the adventures may seem, they are indeed happening.


If Big Pete is the calmer voice of reason, Little Pete is the brash iconoclast, meeting life with guts and gusto and a fair amount of idealism. He calls 'em like he sees 'em, and he's the one unafraid to stand up to bullies, adults, and the laws of physics. One of my favorite parts of the show is when he yells put-downs to the enemies and obstacles trying to keep him from living his life on his terms, as offbeat as those terms can sometimes be. He does this once or twice per episode, and while they might not seem so good or funny being read on the monitor screen, out of complete context, they are good and funny nonetheless.


Besides, this post is just an excuse to mention the show. Why, this would be nothing more than Hot Poop Filler if I weren't doing some actual ranking. Add yr own if yr a Pete & Pete fan...
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10 = "Hey, Blowhole, wherever you are - in 45 minutes I'm gonna be famous, and you know what you're gonna be? A blowhole!"

09 = "Out of my way, sash-boy!"

08 = "You lose, cheese log!"

07 = "Suck chowder, musclehead!"

06 = "Deal with it, dipwad! Now take us home!"

05 = "Hey! Sebaceous bloody sputum-eater!"

04 = "Shut up and throw, drool cup!"

03 = "Read it and weep, fungus-lick!"

02 = "Bite my scab, blowhole!"

01 = "It's for time-travelling, you cheese plug!"

Hotcha! Hank