HANK RANKS No. 33

24 Unused Song Titles From An Old Notebook

I used to be a musician. A songwriter with a small home studio. Well, I still am, but not with the same kind of fervor that I used to employ.

So I found a notebook from the spring of 2001. A spiral bound thing full of notes and ideas, poems and fragments of bigger ambitions, abstract doodles and a list of possible song titles, because like I said, I'm a songwriter. None of these titles have ever been used, so feel free, I guess. Most were intended for instrumental tracks, but I suppose I could have written lyrics for something called "Korn Tab" if I had just wanted to try.

HMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHM

24: 10-10-321
23: Korn Tab
22: Demon In The Sack
21: Rooster Chews Tobacco
20: Numbers That Are Greater Than One
19: Unme No Jikan
18: Wall-To-Wall Syrup
17: I Had A Datsun That Color
16: The Distinct Aroma Of Gasoline And Capacitors
15: Mario Speedwagon Sez "This is the fucking bizness!"
14: I Can't Even Imagine Slash's Dad
13: Robust Chin Jism in C
12: I'd Like To Meet The Guy From Don Caballero Who Came Up With Their Song Titles
11: Land O'Smiles
10: The Devil Or Doug
09: Everything Is Factory, Dude
08: I've Got No Beef With Iggy
07: Unity Gain
06: Meet The Depeche Mode Remix Contest That Killed Me
05: I'm Curious About The Fugs
04: Suburban Housewife Oil Orgy in C
03: Satchmo Double Helix
02: I Once Lived In My Father's Balls
01: Nanker Phelge

Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #1

Surprise, surprise! My adoration and lust for Winona Ryder is neverending. What else can I possibly say about her that I haven't already said? She is my hope.

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 32

My 9 Favorite Milwaukee Brewers [1976 Season]

09: Darrell Porter [C] Porter had a Fu Manchu, and the requisite '70s sideburns, and that's good enough for me.

08: Gorman Thomas [OF] "Stormin'" Gorman was reckless (but good) in the outfield, and all or nothing at the plate. He was popular in Milwaukee because of his everyman image - beer drinking, Harley-riding, hard-working, and I liked him too, but in the end, he was only ever an average baseball player. Years later, when I was old enough, I went to his southside tavern that he owned with pitcher Pete Vukovich, Stormin' & Vuke's, but it was only an average tavern.

07: Pedro Garcia [2B] Pedro Garcia was small and fast and had no teeth.

06: Sixto Lezcano [RF] Sixto was always on the verge of greatness, but never quite attained it. In 1976, he had the team's highest batting average, but at .285, that's nothing to really brag about. I always liked Sixto. He was a great outfielder, and even won a Gold Glove in 1979.

05: Kurt Bevacqua [OF] Bevacqua didn't start many games for the Brewers in 1976, and when he did, he was a complete non-factor. However, he was crowned the Bazooka Bubble Gum Blowing Champion of 1975, and believe it or not, my dad's factory's holiday party that year featured a variety show that included Kurt Bevacqua blowing bubblegum bubbles up on the stage. For the record, the Hudson Brothers (featuring Kate Hudson's dad, Bill Hudson) headlined that party, and when they did their big hit "Rendezvous", I squealed like a 10 year old girl rather than a 10 year old boy.

04: Don Money [3B] I thought a guy with the last name "Money" was the coolest thing when I was 10 years old. I still do, really. Aside from that, Don Money was one of those solid, dependable players whom sportswriters like to call "scrappy".

03: Robin Yount [SS] The young phenom from Arizona! Robin Yount was the future of the Brewers' organization, and would eventually lift the team out of the malaise of the 1970's with the help of another phenom, Paul Molitor. But that was the '80's. This is the '70s, and man, did the Brewers suck.

02: George "Boomer" Scott [1B] As legend has it, George Scott wore a necklack made out of Pedro Garcia's teeth. He also hit his fair share of home runs, which always pleases the crowds.

01: Hank Aaron [DH] Hank Aaron has been one of my heroes since I was old enough to understand that I was named after him. Not only is he one of perhaps the five greatest baseball players of all time, but a man who's demeanor has always reminded me of the Buddha.
Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #2

Alison Brie plays Annie Edison, sexy nerd girl on NBC's Community, and it isn't hard to imagine her as younger Liz Lemon, which is to say Ms. Brie seems a younger Tina Fey to me.

I don't know if that's why she hopscotched over Ms. Fey into the #2 spot on my Laminated List this year, or if it's because none of this actually matters.

Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #3

In an effort to shake things up on this year's Laminated List, I've decided to drop Tina Fey down to the #3 spot for no reason whatsoever. If you need a reason, let's say it's because she is currently 5-6 months pregnant, and quite frankly, pregnant women don't "do anything" for me.

If nothing else, it's a reminder that she's married to someone else, but more to the point, that this whole Laminated List thing is rather ridiculous.

Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #4

Kat Dennings just turned 25 on Monday, so...Happy Birthday, Ms. Dennings!

I'm not sure if 25 is age-appropriate or not. She's young enough to be my daughter, and more to the point, she's at the age where I would have helped conceive her my freshman year of college. Thinking back to my Hazeltine House days, yeah, that definitely could have happened...

I suppose Kat Dennings is the bombshell on this year's Laminated List - the Reubenesque stunner with the big blue eyes, impossible to miss or ignore.

What's best, however, is that Ms. Dennings will be playing one of the two leads on a new sitcom called 2 Broke Girls, premiering this fall on CBS. Considering CBS' success with sitcoms, I expect to get a weekly dose of Kat Dennings for several years to come. Will it be enough to keep her on this list of mine? Who knows.

Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #5

Is it weird, or even creepy, that a middle-aged guy such as myself posts an annual Laminated List on this stupid, pointless blog of mine?

Would it help if I said I feel young? Would it help if I told you that three of the five women on my Laminated List are completely age-appropriate?

Connie Britton, for instance...She's 44 years old. Under completely different circumstances, we could have dated in high school.

As it stands, she's simply a gorgeous redhead playing what I believe is the best female character on network television (Tami Taylor on Friday Night Lights), and giving one of the best performances as well. It's impossible not to adore and admire Tami Taylor, the no-nonsense high school guidance counselor, mother and wife of the school's football coach - the character I believe is the absolute center and anchor of the entire show. And human psychology, being what it is, it's difficult not to imagine that Connie Britton is a similar kind of awesome woman in real life.

Whether she is that kind of cool or not, I still find myself transfixed by her beauty, and with this being the final season of Friday Night Lights, an excellent TV drama that I'm sad to see going, I've been thinking more about her and her character these past couple of months, and I realized just how attracted I've been Connie Britton over the years, going all the way back to Spin City, which debuted in 1996.

This Laminated List, being what it is, will probably not include Ms. Britton next year, but for now, for 2011...

Hotcha! Hank

HOT FIVE: Winona Ryder Films And/Or Grunge Albums

05: A Scanner Darkly: A Philip K Dick novel turned into an animated disassociative disorder full of bright colors and a dull sense of dread. Plus +++ Winona's animated boobs.

04: Lucas: Winona's debut film at 15, as tomboy Rina who has a crush on Corey Haim's Lucas. It's possible that Winona Ryder (or maybe actually Goldie Hawn) shaped my preference for women with shorter hair.

03: Heathers: Teen angst illustrated. The film that ended my infatuation with Molly Ringwald, and put the '80s to rest. What's your damage?

02: Mudhoney: Superfuzz Big Muff Plus Early Singles: I considered In Utero, Ultramega OK, and Melvins' Lysol, before deciding that for my purposes, Superfuzz Bigmuff Plus Early Singles is the definitive Grunge album. Touch me, I'm sick.

01: Night On Earth: My favorite Jim Jarmusch film, and therefore one of my 10 favorite films, wherein a 19 year old Winona kinda mostly holds her own with Gena Rowlands in the first 20 minutes of this hilarious and oftentimes poignant film about five cab drivers in five cities around the world during one night on earth. Plus +++ Scored by Tom Waits.

Hotcha! Hank

2010 LAMINATED LIST # 1

James Joyce's ULYSSES is the one book in my collection that I'm 100% certain I will never actually read all the way through...When I think about what little I know about this novel, I imagine WINONA RYDER as Molly Bloom. And in the winter months, when my beard is full-blown, I imagine myself Odysseus, trying to make my way home to my beloved Penelope, as played by my beloved Winona... I've read plenty of Joyce, but I'll never read this book, front to back. Maybe back to front, but that seems like more of a Finnegan's Wake maneuver.

This particular picture looks like some sort of Great Gatsby scene...Winona as Daisy Buchanan. I've read Fitzgerald's novel. It's okay. Fitzgerald lucked out with that novel, that's for sure - assuring himself a permanent place in American letters on the strength of one fairly mediocre novel. Whatever.

Now, supposedly Winona is a smart, literate person. She's read plenty of good and important books, supposedly, if we believe the interviews and bios, so I assume she's read Gatsby as well. I bet she's never read Ulysses, though she's probably read The Odyssey. Either way, she remains the dearest to my heart, atop the laminated list in my mind for the past two decades.

Hotcha! Hank

2010 LAMINATED LIST # 2

Way back in May of 1998, when I moved back to Madison, some of my mail got lost/misplaced/delayed along the way, including that month's QPBC (Quality Paperback Book Club) catalog. The featured book in that particular issue was Infinite Jest... And because I didn't send back the order form with the appropriate box marked to inform QPBC that I did NOT want Infinite Jest automatically sent to me, they automatically did. And so I came home from work one day about two weeks after moving into this place only to find a fairly large cardboard box lodged between my doors. Before I had even unpacked the beast within, I was pretty damn sure I was never gonna read it. 1079 pages! If I didn't have the juice to conquer a tome like that when I was 32, you can bet yr ass I've got less juice now. Now...Now I could have simply sent the book back (free shipping) for a full refund, but I felt like the title of the book was the true jest for me - new city, new home, new job, new friends - a full-blown load of unknown. Twelve years later, and I can once again say Paul Simon is a prophet, because the more things change, the more they stay the same. Infinite Jest sits square in the center of my main bookcase in the living room, as it has for twelve years so far. I have read its spine countless times, every day. I've got my own ideas about God's sense of humor, the nature of fate, and the fortune of DNA, but don't ask me what this book's about. I'll never know.

Scanning Infinite Jest's character list at Wikipedia, I'd have to say if they ever made this 5 pound book into a movie, maybe they could get TINA FEY to play Joelle Van Dyne § (aka "Madame Psychosis" aka "The Prettiest Girl Of All Time")...I'm willing to say Tina is crazy pretty, and sometimes pretty crazy. There's also the acid-scarred face of this character, and the scar on Ms. Fey's face to consider. Whatever. I'm 99% sure I'll never read David Foster Wallace's magnum opus...Alas, poor me.

§ Joelle Van Dyne is the primary figure in the deadly Entertainment. ¶ In the work, which is filmed through a wobbly "neo-natal" lens, she is seen reaching down to the camera, as if it were in a bassinet, and apologizing profusely. This is said to trigger an addictive pleasure complex in the viewer, which makes even partial viewing of the Entertainment suicidal. She wears a veil to hide her face. She is a member of the "Union of the Hideously and Improbably Deformed (U.H.I.D.)", she may be disfigured; based on an account by the unreliable Molly Notkin. It is not made clear throughout the novel whether in fact she is disfigured; she herself states that she wears the veil because every man who sees her flawless face falls in love with her. Although it becomes clear that she was indeed disfigured by an acid attack, it is possible that the acid attack post-dates her adoption of the veil. She tries to "eliminate her own map" (that is, commit suicide) in Molly Notkin's bathroom via massive ingestion of freebase cocaine, which lands her in the Ennet House as a resident. [1]

¶ The plot of Infinite Jest partially revolves around the missing master copy of a film cartridge, titled Infinite Jest and referred to in the novel as "the Entertainment" or "the samizdat". The film is so entertaining to its viewers that they become lifeless, losing all interest in anything other than viewing the film. The video cartridge was the final work of film by James O. Incandenza before his microwave-induced suicide, completed during a stint of sobriety that was requested by the lead actress, Joelle. Quebec separatists are interested in acquiring a master, redistributable copy of the work to aid in acts of terrorism against the United States. The United States Office of Unspecified Services (USOUS) is seeking to intercept the master copy of the film in order to prevent mass dissemination and the destabilization of the Organization of North American Nations. Joelle and later Hal seek treatment for substance abuse problems at The Ennet House Drug and Alcohol Recovery House, and Marathe visits the rehabilitation center to pursue a lead on the master copy of the Entertainment §, tying the characters together. The text indicates that Hal and Gately dig up the grave of Himself (under the supervision of John N.R. Wayne) in search of the master copy. The novel ends in the Year of Glad (the first chapter of the novel), during which Hal's physical deterioration is made evident. [2]

§ Wallace's working title for Infinite Jest had been A Failed Entertainment. [3]

Hotcha! Hank

2010 LAMINATED LIST # 3

I've read Vineland, and The Crying Of Lot 49, and I kinda want to read Thomas Pynchon's newest novel, Inherent Vice, if I can work my way through this Lem Phase™ I've been travelling lately. I probably won't read Inherent Vice, actually, and I'm 94% certain I'll never finish reading Gravity's Rainbow. I read maybe the first 150 pages about 20 years ago, when I was in the last half of a 2 year relationship with a girl who I couldn't equate with any of the several hundred characters strafing through this maze of a place and a time before me, beyond me.
Gravity's Rainbow mostly takes place at the end of WWII, and concerns Germany's V-2 rockets...Christina Hendricks is an eternal bombshell.

Hotcha! Hank

2010 LAMINATED LIST # 4

I really like William T Vollmann. I've read four of his books so far, books about prostitutes and drugs and murder and war and death and am right on the verge of diving into his Seven Dreams cycle of novels about the clash of Native Americans and European explorers and missionaries across North America, from Virginia to the Pacific Northwest, and up to the polar north. A heady, post-modern collage of fiction, history, journalism, mythology, fairy tales and legends. Vollmann has written four of the proposed seven volumes so far, and now seems like as good a time as any to get going. 4 volumes, 2500+ pages.

And counting...

Yeah, most of Vollmann's books are loooooong. He emerged on the literary scene at the age of 30 with his 700 page debut novel, You Bright And Risen Angels in 1987, and in the 23 years since, he's written another 16 books, including the seven-volume, 3352 (!!!!!) page treatise about violence, Rising Up And Rising Down, in 2003.

Two years later in 2005, Vollmann published Europe Central, an 832 page National Book Award winner. Like so many of his books, Europe Central is a "sweeping" and "epic" story which brilliantly fuses fictions with history. In this instance, generations of countless characters living out their lives from Germany to Russia throughout the 20th century, against the backdrop of two world wars, the holocaust, fascism, communism, a cold war, and beyond...

Even if I happen to read my way through the entirety of the Seven Dreams cycle, which I admit is a long shot because I've also got a couple Stanislaw Lem books sitting here on the coffee table, and they're calling to me... "Polish sci-fi, Mohaski! You Polack!"

Anyways, I don't have the jam for Europe Central, even if I have the long-range Vollmann focus. Might as well laminate it.

That reminds me - Alison Brie plays the smart/cute/perky/uptight/annoying community college coed on, Annie Edison on the NBC sitcom Community. On that show she usually wears the kind of tight, colorful sweaters you might expect from a geeky rah-rah type who's never read Vollmann and has no idea who the fuck I am.

Hotcha! Hank

HOT FIVE: Iron Maiden

05: The Number Of The Beast [1982]
Featuring: "22 Acacia Avenue", "The Number Of The Beast", "Run To The Hills", "Gangland", "Hallowed Be Thy Name"

Fuck Bruce Dickinson.

04: Piece Of Mind [1983]

Featuring..."Where Eagles Dare", "Revelations", "Flight Of Icarus", "Die With Your Boots On", "The Trooper"

Fuck Bruce Dickinson....But seriously, I tend to be a bit of a purist when it comes to rock bands. The only AC/DC that matters in my world is the one fronted by Bon Scott. Van Halen with Diamond Dave. The Who with Keith Moon. And yes, when it comes to Iron Maiden, I prefer the original line-up on their first two albums, when Paul Di'Anno was the singer. Seriously, fuck Bruce Dickinson. (I'm just kidding, of course - I've got no beef with Bruce, it's just kinda fun to say/type...)

03: Live After Death [1985]
Featuring..."Aces High", "2 Minutes To Midnight", "Rime Of The Ancient Mariner", "Powerslave", "Children Of The Damned"

Sigh, alright. Bruce Dickinson is a good singer, and he was a great fit for this band. And musically, Iron Maiden arguably hit their peak after Di'Anno left. They certainly weren't getting any worse on Number Of The Beast or Piece Of Mind. Still, I think if yr gonna own a non-Di'Anno album by Iron Maiden, I'd start with this one. It's an honest representation of the band as a live act, and having seen them on three different tours, I can certainly attest to the fact that these dudes can fucking play, and put on a damn good show. So not only does Live After Death serve as a fine document of the Iron Maiden live experience, but like all live albums, it also serves as a sufficient "greatest hits" package as well.

02: Iron Maiden [1980]
Featuring..."The Prowler", "Sanctuary", "Running Free", "Phantom Of The Opera", "Transylvania"

Here we are, where it all started. Iron Maiden's debut album, featuring Paul Di'Anno, and dammit if there isn't more than a bit of Punk influence twisted into these songs - songs with all the technical precision and dual-guitar melodies one has come to expect from this band. A bracing debut album from a legendary band that sounded unlike any other band out there at the time. A band soooo many have tried to emulate over the years, and never quite matched.

01: Killers [1981]
Featuring..."Wrathchild", "Murders In The Rue Morgue", "Innocent Exile", "Killers", "Purgatory"

Quite simply, one of the ten best Fucking Metal albums ever unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. A MUST! Nuff said.

Hotcha! Hank

2010 LAMINATED LIST # 5

Sugar Street is the last book in Naguib Mahfouz's Cairo Trilogy. To get to Sugar Street, I'd first have to make my way through Palace Walk and Palace Of Desire - that's 934 pages, babycakes! Add Sugar Street's 309 pages, and that's an infinite jest... That's entertainment I most likely will never read...

I had picked up a like-new trade paperback edition of this trilogy for $9 at a rummage sale last summer. How could I, or anyone who reads, not snatch up a Nobel winner at that price? 1243 pages about three generations of the Gawad family in Cairo from 1919 to 1944...

Three books, 1243 pages, that might as well be laminated. Might as well be sealed in plastic because I'll most likely never read them. I think there will always be other, more interesting and relevant books for me to read.

Sugar Street, and the whole Cairo Trilogy, are not unobtainable to me, of course. They're well within reach, unlike Rosario Dawson.

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 31

My 14 Favorite 4-Letter Crossword Words

I do two online crossword puzzles every morning. One is here at USA Today, and the other is here. They're challenging enough puzzles at the Master Skill Level, and almost laughably easy on the Regular Skill Level, but either way, they're a good way to get going in the morning with my mug of coffee and peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

For no other reason than because I can, here then is a list of 14 four-letter words that are used with varying frequency in the 14 crossword puzzles I do each week, ranked according to a complex equation of frequency, beauty, rarity and whim. Perhaps the most pointless HANK RANKS ever.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

14: OBOE: We all know what an oboe is. This word doesn't show up in my 14 weekly crossword puzzles all that often, but it's three vowels make it a handy word for the puzzle designers to have in their arsenal.

13: AXON: Axon doesn't show up all that often either, which is kind of a shame. I've always liked this word, such a sturdy companion for dendrite. Dendrite is a very good word, and that's undeniable.

12: OLEO: Oleo is another word for margarine, and I don't allow butter substitutes in my fridge. Still, it's a four-letter word that shows up at least four or six times a week in my puzzles. "My puzzles." That sounds like something a douchy nerd would say. I guess that makes me a butter-eatin' nerdouche™.

10: (tie) IBID, IBIS: The beauty of these two words is apparent. that IBI combination is unique and therefore valuable one that shows up regularly every week. Ibid is short for the Latin word ibidem, which means "in the same place". An ibis is a tropical wading bird.

09: IBEX: An ibex is a kind of wild goat found in the middle east and around the Mediterranean. As a crossword word, all I can say is that letter X isn't used all that often in the puzzles I do regularly.

08: ESSE: Esse means "to be" in Latin. One must sign up for the free trial of Merriam-Webster Online in order to see the entry for this word. I find that funny and sad. The most central, crucial, ESSENTIAL word in our world - the first verb, the last word - and MW Online doesn't let you "see it for free". Esse is also a slang word for "gangsta" in Latino culture, but these puzzles don't use the word that way.

06: (tie) IOTA, MOTE: Tiny amounts and specks of things. Two great words that word great together. Or something.

05: OLIO: Olio is a pretty cool word that I would like to use in my everyday life, but it means hodge-podge, and when one has the circumstance and opportunity to use the word hodge-podge, one is pretty much obligated to use it. Hodge-podge shows up as a crossword word maybe six times a year by my reckoning. See also - collage.

04: ULNA: Ulna is a very boring and ugly-sounding word that is very useful in crossword puzzles, playing the oboe, and maturbating. Fuck ulna, let's move on.

03: TSAR: Tsar is the only four-letter word on this list that has three consonants, so I ranked it #3, natch. Tsar shows up in my daily crossword puzzle about 4 or 5 times a week, and it's popularity is no doubt due to that TS, a letter combo that often happens at the back end of words, but here comes front-loaded for maximum puzzle design flexibility. Of course, here in the United States, we use the czar spelling of this word, but the letter Z often proves to be a bitch to squeeze into a crossword puzzle.

02: AGUE: Ague is a four letter word you've never spoke out loud in your life. You could read that last sentence out loud and change yr life forever, and prove me wrong on yet another fact. Ague basically means a fever, like malaria, according to Merriam-Webster, and often it's crossword clue includes the word flu. Because ague is a four letter word you never spoke out loud until three sentences ago (because it's an awkward, ugly-looking word), it's #2 on this list.

01: OREO: As we all know, Oreo™ is a brand name for a sandwich cookie made by the Nabisco Division of Kraft Foods. Brand names don't show up in crossword puzzles very often, but Oreo™ is the rare exception. Except it isn't a rare crossword word. In fact, if I kept stats, Oreo™ just might be among the two or three most-used words I run across in my 14 weekly puzzles. It probably shows up at least 8-9 times per week. What can I say, we like to eat, and in the world of crosswords, three vowels out of four-letters is delicious.

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 30

My 1 Favorite Episode From Each Of The Simpsons' First 20 Seasons

I consider The Simpsons the greatest television show of all time, and while it isn't as consistently brilliant as it was in earlier seasons ( 8 is my favorite), it is still reliably entertaining, and still capable of a good surprise from time to time, and at least 1 or 3 episodes every season that are destined to be classics. If you say The Simpsons sucks nowadays, I'd say you're just an ingrate.

These are not my 20 favorite episodes of The Simpsons of all time. If it were that list, half of them would probably be from Season 8. No, this is a list of my favorite episode from each of the first 20 seasons of the show. It's not ranked, but simply listed in reverse chronology, so this probably shouldn't be called a HANK RANKS, but whatever.

For the record, Homer Vs. The Eighteenth Amendment is my absolute. Favorite. Episode. Ever.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

20: No Loan Again, Naturally [#LABF03 - 08Mar09] Wherein Homer takes out another home equity loan to pay for his annual Mardi Gras party, after which the Simpsons lose their house. Ned Flanders buys and then rents it back to the Simpsons, who proceed to take advantage of Ned by making him constantly make repairs at all hours of the day and night, which finally leads Ned to evict the Simpsons once again. Lenny: "Homer, I always wonder - how can you afford this party year after year?" Homer: "Because, I have this magical thing called a 'home equity loan'. I borrow all the money I want, and the house gets stuck with the bill... Hehehehe...Sucker." Lenny: "Hm? I'm not sure that's how it works." Homer: "Fine, mister sceptical, give me back your beads."

19: The Debarted [#KABF06 - 02Mar08] Wherein Principal Skinner slips a mole (voiced by Topher Grace) into Springfield Elementary to befriend and spy on the "Bart Simpson Operation" to get five steps ahead of their pranks. Bart initially suspects Milhouse is the mole, before catching on to the real culprit. Meanwhile, Homer gets a sweet ass loaner car that he doesn't want to return. Bart: "Look new kid, I'm the head hamster in this habitrail, capiche?" New Kid: "Well, maybe there's a new guinea pig in your cage. Capiche that?" Bart: "Oh, I capiche, I capiche just fine." New Kid: "Well, you just keep on capiche-ing." Classmates (in unison): "Oooooooooh!"

18: 24 Minutes [#JABF14 - 20May07] Wherein Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney plan to detonate a stinkbomb at a Springfield Elementary bake sale, and it's up to the school's Counter-Truancy Unit (CTU) to stop their dastardly plan. Starring Bart as Jack Bauer, and Lisa as Chloe O'Brien in this homage to 24. Featuring the voices of Kiefer Sutherland and Mary Lynn Rajskub. Marge: "If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage!"

17: My Fair Laddy [#HABF05 - 26Feb06] Wherein Lisa is Henry Higgins to Groundskeeper Willie's Eliza Doolittle in The Simpsons' own warped version of My Fair Lady. Meanwhile, the company that makes Homer's blue pants no longer makes Homer's blue pants. Coach Krupt: "Today we're going to play a game that's as old as pain itself...BOMBARDMENT!" Millhouse: "I'm intrigued. What are the rules?" Coach Krupt: "Duck or die! BOMBARDMENT!!"

16: Sleeping With The Enemy [#FABF19 - 21Nov04] Wherein a disastrous party thrown for Bart leads Marge to believe she's been overmothering her children, so she turns her attentions to somebody else who might need some mothering - Nelson Muntz, who actually moves into the Simpsons' home, creating all sorts of weird dynamics and strange situations as a result. Meanwhile, Lisa has a big butt. Ralph: "Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck..." Bart: "Say 'goose' you stupid freak!" Ralph (running from room): "Waaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

15: Diatribe Of A Mad Housewife [#FABF05 - 25Jan04] Wherein Marge writes a romance novel with thinly veiled characters who's actions suggest that she is in love with Ned Flanders, an idea that gets the whole town gossiping. Will Homer read the book and get jealous, or will his new job as an ambulance driver take up all his time? I won't say, but I will say this episode guest stars Thomas Pynchon. Homer: "Marge! I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby." Marge: "Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel." Homer: "Ooh, I was so close."

14: How I Spent My Strummer Vacation [#DABF22 - 10Nov02] Wherein Homer (and plenty of secondary characters, as usual) goes to Mick Jagger's Rock'n'Roll Fantasy Camp, and we are served every lame Rock cliche, pun and bad joke imaginable, but there are a ton of special guests willing to make fun of themselves, so in the end it's fairly fucking epic. Homer: "Uh, Mr. Seltzer?" Brian Setzer: "It's 'Setzer'." Homer: "No, I think it's Seltzer."

13: Weekend At Burnsie's [#DABF11 - 07Apr02] Wherein Homer gets into a beef with some crows, ends up on medicial marijuana, and the remainder of the episode is, well, Homer on dope. And the stoners rejoiced! Not even an appearance by Phish could ruin gold like this. Homer: "For me, the '60's ended that day in 1978."

12: Worst Episode Ever [#CABF08 - 04Feb01] Wherein Comic Book Guy has a heart attack, which leads to Bart and Milhouse "babysitting" the Android's Dungeon until Comic Book Guy can return. While he recovers, Comic Book Guy dates Agnes Skinner, and Bart and Milhouse find his secret stash of bootleg videos, many featuring popular townsfolks in embarrassing situations. Comic Book Guy: "Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness? [looks it up in a little book] Ah, yes - Gar-dacchk!"

11: Behind The Laughter [#BABF19 - 21May00] Wherein a VH1-styled expose show called Behind The Laughter takes a raw and candid look behind the scenes of America's favorite family, The Simpsons. 10000% meta. Marge: "Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine." Homer: "Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV."

10: Lard Of The Dance [#5F20 - 23Aug98] Wherein Homer (and Bart) get into the grease recycling business. Meanwhile, Lisa is chosen to introduce a new student at Springfield Elementary, and this new girl, Alex (Lisa Kudrow), quickly becomes the most popular girl in school, much to Lisa's chagrin. In the end, a massive grease explosion during a school dance makes everything right again in Lisa's world. Ralph [catching a flake of grease on his tongue]: "This snowflake tastes like fish sticks!"

09: The Cartridge Family [#5F01 - 02Nov97] Wherein Homer gets a gun, and kablammo! Ya get one of the darker episodes in Simpsons history. Lenny: "Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel, and the electric eel."

08: Homer Vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [#4F15 - 16Mar97] Wherein the frontpage of the Springfield Shopper screams ALCOHOL PROHIBITED IN SPRINGFIELD and Homer becomes "The Beer Baron". Homer: "To alcohol - the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems."

07: 22 Short Films About Springfield [#3F18 - 14Apr96] Wherein a bored Bart and Millhouse wonder if anything exciting actually ever happens in Springfield, and a subsequent series of vignettes involving a number of secondary characters answers that question in the affirmative. Mr. Burns: "Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers! Fear not, I'll get you to a hospital - the only way I know how. Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!"

06: Lemon Of Troy [#2F22 - 14May95] Wherein some ne'er-do-wells from Shelbyville steal Springfield's lemon tree, and Bart leads a group of friends on a recon mission into the rival town to bring it back home. Radical. Bart: "That lemon tree's a part of our town, and as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their rivers with our dead!"

05: Homer & Apu [#1F10 - 10Feb94] Wherein Homer gets food poisoning from some expired ham (and later a 10 pound bucket of shrimp) at the Kwik-E-Mart, goes undercover for Kent Brockman's Bite Back show, which gets Apu fired, who is then replaced by actor James Woods, who is preparing for a role as a convenience store clerk. Meanwhile, Apu lives with the Simpsons, a song is sung, and Homer finally gets Apu his job back. Apu: "I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service." Homer: "You're...selling what now?" Apu: "I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment." Homer: "You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos." [slams the door] Apu: "He's got me there."

04: A Streetcar Named Marge [#8F18 - 01Oct92] Wherein Marge plays Blanche DuBois in a local production of A Streetcar Named Desire, Homer feels neglected and gets annoyed, and Maggie goes to Ayn Rand School For Tots in the meantime. Lionel Hutz: "Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!"

03: When Flanders Failed [#7F23 - 3Oct91] Wherein southpaw Ned Flanders quits his job and opens The Leftorium at the Springfield Mall, which fails spectacularly before Mr. Burns saves the day. As a lefty myself, I wholeheartedly echo Mr. Burn's "huzzah!" for good ol' Ned. Mr. Burns [to a tin can]: "Ah, the worm has turned, has it not my tin-plated friend? Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!"

02: Treehouse Of Horror (The Simpsons Halloween Special) [#7F04 - 25Oct90] The very first Treehouse Of Horror, wherein Bart and Lisa actually do tell each other scary stories in Bart's treehouse, stories about the Simpsons' night in a haunted house, the Simpsons' abduction by Kang and Kodos, and the truly classic telling of Poe's "The Raven" starring Homer. Lisa [reading crumpled message thrown through vortex from another dimension]: "Quit throwing garbage in our dimension!"

01: Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire (The Simpsons Christmas Special) [#7G08 - 17Dec89] The very first full episode of The Simpsons, wherein Bart gets a tattoo, Homer doesn't get his Christmas bonus, and a 99-to-1 longshot named Santa's Little Helper joins the family and really is the miracle that saves the Simpsons' christmas in the end. Bart: "Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!" Homer: "Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?"

Hotcha! Hank

HOT FIVE: Philip K Dick

05: Valis [1981] Wherein Philip K Dick himself is the narrator, telling the story of Horselover Fat, a character based on Dick...In other words, Dick's avatar. Throughout the book, Dick and Horselover Fat have conversations with each other, mostly about philosophical and spiritual matters, and how both Dick and Fat have suffered emotional/psychic wounds, with Horselover in particular starting to lose his mind, or at least believe he is losing his mind. He reveals that he's had a series of visions that has led him to believe that there is an intelligent machine of some sort (V.A.L.I.S. -or- Vast Active Living Intelligence System) orbiting the earth, and it is capable of facilitating communication between humans and extraterrestials. As the book progresses, Horselover Fat heads towards the rural estate of a famous musician (based on Brian Eno?) in hopes of contacting VALIS, and thereby acquire the necessary wisdom of life that might heal his psychic wounds. But what will happen to Dick himself, who finds himself isolated and seemingly lost while Horselover Fat is off on his quest for gnosis? I'm not telling, mostly because I don't remember.

04: The Man In The High Castle [1962] Wherein it's 1962, and the Axis Powers of Germany and Japan have won an extended World War II and the United States has been divided into thirds. The U.S., as a Nazi puppet state, now occupies only the eastern third of the country, while the western third belongs to Japan, with the middle third of the country a mostly lawless buffer zone between the two. In general, The Man In The High Castle is concerned with the daily lives of a loose collection of characters, many of whom are involved in such things as American antiques, war collectibles, banking, international trade, counterfeiting and other aspects of culture, diplomacy and economics. Themes such as personal identity, cultural identity, greed, racism, and the very nature of reality are woven throughout the various characters' stories, which are set against the larger story of a post-war Cold War between Germany and Japan, and the power struggles within the Nazi government in particular. Not so much a science fiction novel as an (obviously) alternate history, this sweeping story is nonetheless a fascinating and thought-provoking examination of chance and circumstance.

03: Ubik [1969] Wherein the then-future 1992 is so technologically advanced that civilians are able to easily travel to the moon and various parapsychology phenomena, such as ESP and telekenesis, are widely accepted as real. Our protagonist, Joe Chip, is an anti-telepath technician who works for the Runciter Corporation, and who is sent to the moon along with several other technicians to block telepaths from reading the minds of the deceased who are kept in "cold pac", and in this "half-life" state are capable of limited consciousness and telepathic communication abilities. The assignment ends up being a trap set by a radical organization of psychics, who bomb the lunar "cold pac" facility. Joe Chip and the other survivors head back to Earth, where they are able to get Glen Runciter's dead body into "half-life" to preserve his consciousness. However, they soon find their reality shifting and changing in strange, troubling ways. It seems that this group that returned from the moon must stick close together, because if any one of them strays from the group, that person dies and decomposes at a sudden and quick rate. Messages received through the television suggest that the group itself is actually suspended in "half-life". Their reality continues to warp, and time begins to shift backwards, until the group find itself in 1939, where they try to obtain a substance called UBIK, a substance that existed at every place and time in their space-time travels, and which apparently is the only way they can continue to survive while in their "half-life" state. Meanwhile, back in the real world of 1992, a living Glen Runciter finds coins with the image of Joe Chip on them. Hmmm...

02: A Scanner Darkly [1977] Wherein Agent Fred goes undercover as Bob Arctor, a drug user in a suburban house he shares with a couple other users. A house Agent Fred is spying on. Except Bob Arctor becomes addicted to Substance-D, "Slow Death", a psychoactive drug that can eventual cause one's brain to literally split into two hemispheres that function idependently, and so Agent Fred has no idea he is Bob Arctor, who has no idea he's being spied upon by himself, and is distracted anyways by his love for Donna (as played by Winona Ryder in the film). Donna's a Substance-D dealer, through whom Bob Arctor hopes to find the high-level Substance-D dealers, except Agent Fred's bosses at the police department discover Bob Arctor is addicted, and so no longer capable of working undercover. In the end, Agent Fred finds himself on a farm of the New-Path rehab clinic, emerging from his mind-splitting addiction a shell of his former selves, unsure if any of his ghostly memories are even real. Then he finds a blue flower amidst the rows of corn. A blue flower used to make Substance-D.

01: Flow My Tears, The Policeman Says [1974] Wherein genetically-enhance pop singer and television star Jason Taverner wakes up one morning to find he has no identification, and is now completely unknown to friends and fans alike, no longer a celebrity. There isn't even a record of him in the vast government databases of then-future 1988, which leads Taverner to be interrogated by Police General Felix Buckman. One thing leads to another leads to Taverner having an affair with Buckman's sister and incestuous lover, Alys. Alys is an adventurous drug user, and one of those drugs happens to be KR-3, an intense psychedelic that severely warps reality, until one becomes unbound from it and crosses over into a secondary, alternate reality. When Taverner returns from his KR-3 trip, he finds the skeleton of Alys Buckman, which freaks him out and sends him on the lam. While running from the law, he meets up with another woman on KR-3, who goes to an alternate reality where Taverner doesn't even exist. Taverner freaks again, and decides to turn himself in...All of this happens against the backdrop of a "second civil war" which has resulted in a "totalitarian democracy" in the United States. There's a heavy police surveillance state, but oddly enough, things such as drug use and pedophilia are legal. All in all, a gripping and still relevant story about identity, celebrity, genetics, the nature of reality, radical politics, power, oppression...and love.

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 29

My 12 Favorite Groucho Marx Character Names


The Marx Brothers made 12 films together (Love Happy, the 13th, finds Groucho only narrating), about half of which still stand as absolute classics of the Comedy genre, and which still are absolutely hilarious after 70 years. One of my favorite aspects of these films are the names of Groucho Marx's characters. This is a ranking of those twelve names, complete with a little blathering about each.

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12: Gordon Miller; Room Service [1938]
The most pedestrian name of the bunch. I'd venture to say that maybe after 8 films, Groucho Marx was just getting tired or lazy, but character names from two of the Marx Brothers last four films are much higher on this list.

11: Captain Spaulding; Animal Crackers [1930]
There's nothing necessarily funny or unusual about the name Captain Spaulding, but at least this character has a title, and not just some beige suburban name like Gordon Miller.

10: Quentin Quale; Go West [1940]
A couple points for alliteration, and another couple for using the letter Q, which everybody knows is the fifth funniest letter in the alphabet. Minus one point because Go West is my least favorite Marx Brothers film.

09: Rufus T. Firefly; Duck Soup [1933]
Duck Soup was the first of four Marx Brothers film in which Groucho's character had a middle initial in his name, so you'd think this name would be higher on this list, but I'm going to justify the ranking by suggesting that Groucho was just getting warmed up with this maneuver. Not that it really matters, and everybody already knows this, but T is the 18th funniest letter in the alphabet.

08: Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff; Horse Feathers [1932]
In this film, the one immediately prior to Duck Soup, Groucho's character uses his full middle name, and not just the initial, and it works not only as an allusion to President John Quincy Adams, but also to elongate the name to funny proportions without turning into outright absurdity. This was 1932, after all. BTW and FTIW - Horse Feathers is my favorite Marx Brothers film.

07: Wolf J. Flywheel; The Big Store [1941]
This was the fourth and final time Groucho would use a middle initial in his character's name, but as you can tell by the rankings, I'm not willing to contend he had perfected the maneuver, or at least improved upon previous efforts. Still, the combination of the words Wolf and Flywheel is pretty ridiculous, and of course everyone knows J is the sixth funniest letter in the alphabet.

06: Groucho; Monkey Business [1931]
By naming his Monkey Business character "Groucho" after the name he had used since his old vaudeville days, Julius Henry Marx was perhaps actively trying to blur the lines between Groucho the flesh and blood man, and Groucho, the broad, ridiculous, larger-than-life character he portrayed consistently through all twelve Marx Brothers films. Nah. Groucho's a hilarious name when you think about it.

05: Hammer; The Cocoanuts [1929]
Hammer is a great name for a Groucho character because when you imagine a character named Hammer, the last person you'd expect outside of Don Knotts is Groucho Marx.

04: Attorney Loophole; At The Circus [1939]
Like most of you, I get fairly irritated by most puns and punnish names. Attorney Loophole is a rare exception. Too bad At The Circus is one of the weaker films in the Marx Brothers filmography, despite the potential of the movie's setting.

03: Ronald Kornblow; A Night In Casablanca [1946]
I've never personally known a Ron who went by his full given name of Ronald. I suspect that anybody who goes by the name Ronald, well, the rest of us secretly believe might be a little slow. Kornblow is fantastic. This was the Marx Brothers last film together with Groucho in the starring role.

02: Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush; A Day At The Races [1937]
I'm pretty fucking sure this name is supposed to be dirty. Bonus points because I appreciate a nice bush. Plus, I don't have to tell you that Z is the fourth funniest letter in the alphabet.

01: Otis P. Driftwood; A Night At The Opera [1935]
This was the second of four times Groucho's character had a middle initial, and obviously, the highest ranked of the four, but that's because of Driftwood. It's probably only me, but I find Driftwood to be a perfectly silly name, especially when hitched to another doofus name like Otis. Considering the character is a greasy, weaselly business manager, Driftfood also serves to suggest a man who lacks a moral center. An ethical anchor. Also, P is the third funniest letter in the alphabet, as everybody knows.

Blather.

Hotcha! Hank

HOT FIVE: Pere Ubu

01: Datapanik In The Year Zero EP [1978]
Featuring..."30 Seconds Over Tokyo", "Heart Of Darkness", "Final Solution", "Cloud 149", "My Dark Ages", "Heaven"

Datapanik In The Year Zero is really a collection of Pere Ubu's singles, dating all the way back to 1975, that hit the streets the same year as their first two longplayers...So, if 1977 was the Year Of Punk, does this make 1978 the Year Of Post-Punk? Because to my mind, Pere Ubu owned 1978, and they weren't really a Punk band. "Final Solution" might have the right attitude and guitars, but it's too slow. Metal slow. Shit, "30 Seconds Over Tokyo" has a metallic ring to it as well, and as I'm writing this, I'm wondering, as I have so many times over the years, exactly what kind of band is Pere Ubu? My friends and I always called 'em "Art Punk", although I guess we considered 'em punk because they mostly defied classification, the ultimate punk maneuver, and we thought they were arty because they were purposefully doing so. David Thomas has an "interesting" voice that he uses in interesting ways, singing enigmatic lyrics that might be children's stories and myths, but could also be dark and creepy, and other times seemingly non-sensical. He sang about animals and monsters and neighborhood weirdos, but he also sang about young love and lust, teen angst and drinking wine, and war and death and God and devils...Life. [An affordable an easily available alternative to this album is Terminal Tower, a collection which actually has all these songs, plus a couple more]

02: The Modern Dance [1978]
Featuring..."Non-Alignment Pact", "The Modern Dance", "Laughing", "Chinese Radiation", "Life Stinks", "Sentimental Journey", "Humor Me"

I was in an Art Punk band of my own back in the 1980's called Mumniti, and without a doubt I can say that three of our five members (including me) took our greatest inspiration and influences from Pere Ubu, writing songs long on groovy bass, spiky guitars, Jazz drumming, and weird, almost childlike, lyrics sang with strange affectations and plenty of repetition. The capper, I suppose, was the fact that I strongly resembled David Thomas, Ubu's singer, and there I was, co-fronting a freakshow of a band...We had two dozen original songs within the first two months we were together, but that didn't stop us from covering "Non-Alignment Pact" and "Life Stinks" from this album, The Modern Dance, and "Final Solution" from the Datapanik EP...I always thought we were a pretty good band, and we made a decent go of it for the better part of three years, but cocaine and a woman got in the way eventually, the guitarist lost interest in all of it, deciding he'd rather sit around his place drinking all day and practicing bluegrass fingerpicking...Me and the bassist started up a D&D campaign with some dudes from another Milwaukee band, and before ya knew it, Mumniti was only practicing about once every 10 days, and gigging once every month or so, and we never got around to finishing the album we had recorded in a church basement a few months earlier...Then my mom got sick, and I bought a four-track...Pere Ubu could have been my life, but they weren't.

03: The Tenement Year [1988]
Featuring..."Something's Gotta Give!", "George Had A Hat", "Talk To Me", "Busman's Holiday", "Universal Vibration", "Miss You", "We Have The Technology"

It's 1988, and Pere Ubu are a decade into their recording career when they get the original line-up (minus guitarist Tom Herman) back together and locked into an undeniably strong groove. This album has energy to burn, coupled with a move towards Pop...Capitalized P...Capitalizing on their always-strong songwriting skills and their ability to find melodies in the strangest places...Cashing in on Tony Maimone's bass. Over the next five years and three albums, Pere Ubu would take a deep and almost sentimental journey into the land of Pop, even garnering a small but respectable hit with "Waiting For Mary" thanks to a video and MTV's 120 Minutes. The Tenement Year is the album that really started that journey into Pop, while still retaining most of the band's quirkier, Art Punk aspects. In fact, this might not be their best album, but in most respects, it might very well be the easiest entrance into Pere Ubu for a newbie because it does deftly balance their past and future , with David Thomas' unique vocal style and lyrical views remaining the one true constant, the pin in the middle...

04: Dub Housing [1978]
Featuring..."Navvy", "On The Surface", "Dub Housing", "Caligari's Mirror", "Ubu Dance Party", "Blow Daddy O", "Codex"

Dub Housing is critically-acclaimed in most circles, but I've got to admit, it remains the knottiest of Pere Ubu's 1978 recordings for me to understand and appreciate, and there was plenty of Pere Ubu mersh hitting the streets in '78. Two full-lengths and an extremely deep EP (a singles comp, really) to be exact. Of course, that's about the best I can say about an album I've listened to enough times over the years to finally find some agreement and comfort with, if not an outright appreciation and full-on connection to these songs. Still, Dub Housing is a fine example for a young musician such as myself, of how a band like Pere Ubu might stretch things out, take some chances and find out how far they might go as some sort of art-damaged Post-Punk band. This was the album where they first took a few giant steps into unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable territories, which they would continue to wander into deeper and deeper over the next few years and albums before making a fairly quick u-turn towards Popland.

05: New Picnic Time [1979]
Featuring..."The Fabulous Sequel", 49 Guitars & One Girl", "A Small, Dark Cloud", "All The Dogs Are Barking", "Make Hay", "Goodbye"

By 1979, Pere Ubu were 4 years into their career, and had evolved from a somewhat weird but still fairly conventional Punk band into an entirely different beast. New Picnic Time and 1980's Art Of Walking rarely sound like anything they were doing just a couple years prior, save the singular vocal stylings of Mr. Thomas. Still, there's some sweet urgency to the album opener "The Fabulous Sequel", which still ranks high on my list of great album openers because of the wonderful jolt of silliness that comes with David Thomas' voice "It's me again!" that starts the whole thing off...From there, the songs go to some rather strange and whimsical places, trying to keep up with the lyrics, I suppose. Like most every album in Pere Ubu's long and varied discography, this isn't the best place to start, but it's an album worth visiting soon if you decide to follow the band's journey yourself.

Hotcha! Hank