2011 LAMINATED LIST #3

In an effort to shake things up on this year's Laminated List, I've decided to drop Tina Fey down to the #3 spot for no reason whatsoever. If you need a reason, let's say it's because she is currently 5-6 months pregnant, and quite frankly, pregnant women don't "do anything" for me.

If nothing else, it's a reminder that she's married to someone else, but more to the point, that this whole Laminated List thing is rather ridiculous.

Hotcha! Hank

2010 LAMINATED LIST # 2

Way back in May of 1998, when I moved back to Madison, some of my mail got lost/misplaced/delayed along the way, including that month's QPBC (Quality Paperback Book Club) catalog. The featured book in that particular issue was Infinite Jest... And because I didn't send back the order form with the appropriate box marked to inform QPBC that I did NOT want Infinite Jest automatically sent to me, they automatically did. And so I came home from work one day about two weeks after moving into this place only to find a fairly large cardboard box lodged between my doors. Before I had even unpacked the beast within, I was pretty damn sure I was never gonna read it. 1079 pages! If I didn't have the juice to conquer a tome like that when I was 32, you can bet yr ass I've got less juice now. Now...Now I could have simply sent the book back (free shipping) for a full refund, but I felt like the title of the book was the true jest for me - new city, new home, new job, new friends - a full-blown load of unknown. Twelve years later, and I can once again say Paul Simon is a prophet, because the more things change, the more they stay the same. Infinite Jest sits square in the center of my main bookcase in the living room, as it has for twelve years so far. I have read its spine countless times, every day. I've got my own ideas about God's sense of humor, the nature of fate, and the fortune of DNA, but don't ask me what this book's about. I'll never know.

Scanning Infinite Jest's character list at Wikipedia, I'd have to say if they ever made this 5 pound book into a movie, maybe they could get TINA FEY to play Joelle Van Dyne § (aka "Madame Psychosis" aka "The Prettiest Girl Of All Time")...I'm willing to say Tina is crazy pretty, and sometimes pretty crazy. There's also the acid-scarred face of this character, and the scar on Ms. Fey's face to consider. Whatever. I'm 99% sure I'll never read David Foster Wallace's magnum opus...Alas, poor me.

§ Joelle Van Dyne is the primary figure in the deadly Entertainment. ¶ In the work, which is filmed through a wobbly "neo-natal" lens, she is seen reaching down to the camera, as if it were in a bassinet, and apologizing profusely. This is said to trigger an addictive pleasure complex in the viewer, which makes even partial viewing of the Entertainment suicidal. She wears a veil to hide her face. She is a member of the "Union of the Hideously and Improbably Deformed (U.H.I.D.)", she may be disfigured; based on an account by the unreliable Molly Notkin. It is not made clear throughout the novel whether in fact she is disfigured; she herself states that she wears the veil because every man who sees her flawless face falls in love with her. Although it becomes clear that she was indeed disfigured by an acid attack, it is possible that the acid attack post-dates her adoption of the veil. She tries to "eliminate her own map" (that is, commit suicide) in Molly Notkin's bathroom via massive ingestion of freebase cocaine, which lands her in the Ennet House as a resident. [1]

¶ The plot of Infinite Jest partially revolves around the missing master copy of a film cartridge, titled Infinite Jest and referred to in the novel as "the Entertainment" or "the samizdat". The film is so entertaining to its viewers that they become lifeless, losing all interest in anything other than viewing the film. The video cartridge was the final work of film by James O. Incandenza before his microwave-induced suicide, completed during a stint of sobriety that was requested by the lead actress, Joelle. Quebec separatists are interested in acquiring a master, redistributable copy of the work to aid in acts of terrorism against the United States. The United States Office of Unspecified Services (USOUS) is seeking to intercept the master copy of the film in order to prevent mass dissemination and the destabilization of the Organization of North American Nations. Joelle and later Hal seek treatment for substance abuse problems at The Ennet House Drug and Alcohol Recovery House, and Marathe visits the rehabilitation center to pursue a lead on the master copy of the Entertainment §, tying the characters together. The text indicates that Hal and Gately dig up the grave of Himself (under the supervision of John N.R. Wayne) in search of the master copy. The novel ends in the Year of Glad (the first chapter of the novel), during which Hal's physical deterioration is made evident. [2]

§ Wallace's working title for Infinite Jest had been A Failed Entertainment. [3]

Hotcha! Hank

Things I Liked Last Week 052310

01: Dan Nelson: All Known Metal Bands: I don't even remember what I was searching for when I ran across this book at Amazon, but the minute I saw it, I knew I had to have it (used, of course) in my life. Quite simply, this is a list of 51,000 Heavy Metal bands, in alphabetical order, as of 2008. Yes, it is fucking awesome. Kudos to Dan Nelson and this singular, epic compulsion. Godwaffle. Satanic Sega Genesis.




02: Janelle Monae doing "Tightrope" on Letterman: This was the absolute shiz. The new Godmother of Sci-Fi Soul/R'n'B/HipHop/Funk, perhaps? Implied. I Coulda done without the Diddy, but he did bow down to Ms. Monae...So, um...Read that last part back to me and watch the vid...

03: Bananajesus: It's called Pareidolia, the phenomenon of seeing faces in ordinary, everyday objects, or my favorite, seeing the Virgin Mary in things. Longtime readers of Hot Poop might know that when I post pictures like this, I like to paraphrase the Dead Milkmen and write, "you'll pray to anything". Yeah, it's a jab at nutty Christians, but I must admit, as a "hopeful agnostic" (which makes me the wishy-washiests of people) there have been periods in my life when I was seeing the face of Jesus in the strangest places - an arrangement of gravel on my cousin Chico's driveway, in the leaves/branches of the silver maple in the front yard, two evil squirrels adding a depth to the beard. The more spiritual friends and well-wishers of mine would always say things like "It's God, showing you his truth." Ugh.

04: This moshpit pic: If one looks long enough, one might imagine God and Satan in this image. BTW - is this a photo, a painting, or a photoshopped monstrosity somewhere in between?

05: Fritz: [as always, click to enlarge] My sister assures me this kid's name if Fritz. I went to school with a kid named Fritz. Fritz lived on a farm. Now, I love my sis, but I'm pretty damn sure she's pulling my leg on this one, because I'm pretty damn sure she doesn't know any kids named Fritz. Fritz.


06: 30 Rock: "I Do Do" [S4-EP22] : This excellent season 4 finale, which broadcast last Thursday night, features Matt Damon as Carroll, Liz Lemon's new love interest. Carroll, a dashing pilot who is seemingly and believably Liz's soulmate. True. Love is also in the air for Jack, who is torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool. Meanwhile, Jenna's new beau, a Jenna Maroney impersonator, also reveals himself to be a Cher impersonator as well. Another triangle. More decisions. Kenny gets fired, but really, this show is all about Liz, possibly finding happiness, and Matt Damon's fantastic cameo. Which I'm hoping is more than just a cameo. I'd like to see Damon come back next season in a semi-regular role. Let Liz be happy in love and spend season 5 making that funny as an antidote to four years of unlucky Liz. Anyways, what's most valuable here - Damon is a very good comic actor. The sort of actor who creates funny characters through subtle mannerisms and affectations, wigs & facial hair, a good wardrobe, who then delivers improbably funny lines with such earnestness, and sometimes with a well-played accent. Damon was Oscar-worthy in last year's The Informant! And as much as I love Terry Gilliam, The Brothers Grimm was a messy film that didn't quite work. But that wasn't Damon's fault. He and Heath Ledger gave their usually solid-to-great performances in a middling film that had it's fair share of humor throughout (from clever wordplay to nutty slapstick). In fact, I'd say there's a boyish wink lurking under most of Damon's characters. Like Clooney, just not as dashing. Blather. Tina Fey!!!!!

07: The Rusty Nail: Also known as a "Donald Sutherland", this sweet stinging cocktail is 5 parts scotch (make mine Dalmore) and 2 parts Drambuie, poured into an ice-filled highball glass. Stir slowly and gently until the glass gets nice and frosty. Finish it with a lemon twist. It's good medicine in warm weather.

Hotcha! Hank

2009 Laminated List # 2

Tina Fey is #2 on my 2009 Laminated List, which really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who's followed HOT POOP for awhile...Last year Ms. Fey ended up at #3 because of a sudden fascination I had with Evangeline Lilly. I think it was largely out sympathy because of all the "Kate Hate" one can find all over the internet. LOST fans just don't like Kate, and alot of 'em also claim Ms. Lilly is a crap actress. Whatever. Ridiculous.

But this is about Tina Fey, not Evangeline Lilly. This is about bouncing back to reclaim her rightful place at #2 on this year's Laminated List because while she is an attractive woman, it is her sense of humor and her intelligence and her subtle cynicism/sarcasm/sass that makes her one-of-a-kind, and a woman for the ages...Is it too soon to call her an icon, or did the whole Sarah Palin thing cement her place in TV and Pop Culture history?

Whatever...After 3 seasons, 30 Rock is without a doubt the best and funniest comedy on television, and obviously Tina Fey is the biggest reason why...The show is her baby, and it's a great ensemble, no doubt, but Ms. Fey has proven herself to be a really great actress after years of being known mainly as a writer...Her Liz Lemon character is a loveable mess. A smart, educated woman in charge of network TV show who can't seem to catch a break in any part of her life - her writers and actors don't really respect her as their boss, her boss doesn't take her seriously either, and her lovelife can't seem to get any serious traction, nevermind her creepy loser ex-boyfriend, Dennis...And she battles back against 'em all with a sharp tongue and mouthfuls of junkfood...I've said it before, but that scene from Season 2 when she mows down an entire deli sandwich in about 15 seconds at airport security checkpoint is one of the hottest things I've ever seen in my life...

Anyways, like so many others, I find Tina Fey to be smart and funny and cute and really, what's not to love? What more needs to be said?

Hotcha! Hank

Diversification Is The Key To Fiscal Success

At first I thought this was a hoax, and a small part of me still believes it may be just that - a body spray called FLAME by Burger King. Because, you know, they've mastered the art of making undeniably delicious food, so the next logical step is getting into the body fragrance market.

"Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

That's their copy, not mine, and all I can think of is that old put-down, "You so ugly, yo mama had to tie porkchops around your neck to get the dog to play with you." My assumption is this fragrance is meant to attract women who have a higher daily caloric intake than the man who wears it. Or possibly dudes who like to fuck dogs and other assorted carnivores.

You can actually order this stuff online:

http://www.rickyshalloween.com/flame_0153_body_spray_p/flame.htm

But keep in mind that the shipping & handling cost ($8) for this product via USPS is twice as much as the price of the product itself, and as someone who has extensive experience in the shipping industry, Ricky's is making a nifty profit off their handling charge, a common industry practice that has always been a bullshit ripoff in my book.

Personally, I'm holding out for a deoderant that smells like gyros, so that I can attract hirsute Greek women such as Tina Fey.

Hotcha! Hank

Considering "Ralph"

You know, a sufficient amount of fuss has been made about the names Sarah and Todd Palin gave to their five children, and plenty of stale and pedestrian jokes have been made about such on late night television and elsewhere, but I don't agree with any of this poo-pooing and tittering, so I would like to take this opportunity to say that the names she gave those kids are really the only thing I actually like about Sarah Palin...That and the fact that she looks alot like the woman who is #3 on my 2008 Laminated List, but that's an entirely different issue I won't get into now, or ever...

"Consider for a moment the beauty of the name 'Ralph.'" - Frank Zappa on The Joan Rivers Show

By now you should be aware of my great love for Frank Zappa, naming this very HOT POOP blog after one of his songs after all, and I happen to agree with Frank's philosophy on names and the naming of things, be they children or studios or your favorite fountain pen or touring vans or sandwiches, or all ten of your wife's toes...Life's too short to be boring, first of all, and secondly, what kind of leg up are you giving your child if you name him Ralph or Steve or Brian? Those are names custom made for Accounts Payable, you know? But more to Frank's point, "Ralph" is just an ugly fucking name.

Frank Zappa named his four children Moon Unit, Ian Donald Calvin Euclid, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan, and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen...

If you don't see "Dweezil" on this list, that's because the hospital refused to put that name on the birth certificate...Ian Zappa's name wasn't officially changed to Dweezil until he was five years old, and at his own, Dweezil's, request...As the well-known story goes, he is named after one of Gail Zappa's pinky toes...Seems quite natural to me...Of course, his first official name is derived from three Mothers Of Invention members - Ian Underwood, Donald Preston and Euclid James "Motorhead" Sherwood - and Frank's best friend and graphic artist Cal Schenkel, and I think that's pretty cool...Rather conventional, too.

As for his other three children...Well, I'm not sure what the meaning of Moon Unit might be, though I can tell you that "Unit" is her middle name...The name Moon itself, is quite hippie-ish, which is baffling to me because Frank had absolutely no love for the hippies...Hmmm...Perhaps his wife Gail actually named their eldest child...Again, if you don't consider "Unit", Moon is a pretty conventional name for a year like, oh, 1967...

Ahmet Emuukha Rodan is a damn fantastic name in my book...The first name, Ahmet, is a derivation of the Arabic name Ahmad, meaning "highly praised", and is one of Prophet Mohammad's many given names...Now that's a name to live up to, and again, is an incredibly conventional name in many parts of the world...Emuukha was a name of Frank's own creation, and also the name of one of his groups, The Abnuceals Emuukha Electric Orchestra, and Rodan, of course, was/is the winged dinosaur nemesis of Godzilla...A strong, masculine name, and all in all, a very fine name for a young man with which to make his mark in the world...

Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen was the loudest baby in the the maternity ward, and that's how she got her first name, a name which prefigures the whole "diva culture" that has become prevalent over the past decade or so, and once again Frank proves scarily prescient, and has given her a name readymade for greatness...With a name like Diva, anything seems possible, and probable...As for Thin Muffin, well, who doesn't love a muffin, even a thin one? And let's not forget, Frank's studio is named The Utility Muffin Research Kitchen (UMRK), and as much as Frank loved that studio, and lived much of his life in there, you gotta believe naming his youngest daughter after his studio is a damn fine way to keep her in this thoughts when he's slaving away over tapes down in his dangerous kitchen...Pigeen? Ya got me.

"People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names'. But the fact is that no matter what first names I might have given them, it is the last name that is going to get them in trouble." - Frank Zappa in The Real Frank Zappa Book

Enough about Frank Zappa's kids...What about Sarah Palin's children?

Track...I'm not sure what Track Palin's middle name is, but the name Track is a very strong and masculine name, evoking trackers, and the tracking of animals, or even those who blaze trails through the wilderness...Trackers are smart and sensible and fearless, and so a name like this is outstanding in my mind...Of course, we shouldn't forget father Todd Palin, who happens to race snowmobiles, among other manly, Alaskan pursuits...Racing those snow machines around, ayup, race tracks...All in all, the name Track is an athletic and manly name, a name to aspire to...

According to Sarah Palin, daughter Bristol is named after Bristol Bay, where her and her husband have both pursued commercial fishing careers, a decidedly rugged and demanding occupation in a certainly beautiful body of water, and an Alaskan body of water at that...It is a name that evokes home and hard work and beauty and nature, so how can anybody make fun of that?

There have been no official explanations for her other two daughter's names, Willow and Piper...It has been noted that there is a small Alaskan town called Willow & Piper, and that seems like an easy explanation...Willow isn't an entirely uncommon/unknown name for a girl, and one thinks perhaps of Sci-Fi Fantasy novels, and of course, the lesbian witch character Willow from Buffy The Vampire Slayer...Taken as is, it is another perfectly fine and lovely name for a daughter, as hippie-ish as Moon Zappa, and fairly conventional at heart. And the name Piper is just as conventional, an Old English name that according to my googling, is the 240th most popular name for a girl in the past decade...If I'm not mistaken, actress Gillian Anderson has a daughter named Piper...Of course, the Piper Super Cub is a very popular small engine plane used extensively for tracking and hunting...

Speaking of tracking again, we finally arrive at Sarah Palin's youngest child, her infant son Trig. Our first thought when we hear this name is Trigonometry, of course, which just so happens to be the mathematics of triangles, the measuring of their sides and angles...From there, we must consider triangulation, the process of finding the location of a point by measuring angles to it from other known points...Trig Points are beacons placed out in wilderness terrains, especially hills and mountains, to help rescuers locate missing people and vehicles and small aircraft such as Piper Super Cubs...Trig also happens to be an old Norse word meaning "true" and "strong", and again, taken in context like this, is a completely masculine name that makes all the sense in the world to me...Anyways, the baby's full name is Trig Paxon Van Palin, and his middle name Paxon, is named after "one of the most beautiful spots in Alaska" according to Sarah and Todd Palin. But finally, Sarah Palin has joked on record that she chose Van as his second middle name because Van Palin sounds like Van Halen, and being a rather big fan of that band's original line-up, I don't even really consider this a joke at all. Seems perfectly cromulent to me...

My point to all this blather is that I find the names of Sarah Palin's kids to be not only normal, but actually rather striking and powerful...They are names that might be helpful to them in finding their own identities...Names to aspire to...Names to become...They are certainly not boring names...They are not the names of Inventory Managers or Chiropractors, and so all the jokes on late night TV and zipping around the internet just aren't funny to me...

As Frank Zappa noted in his book, it's that last name that's gonna give 'em trouble...Many might think Sarah Palin gave her kids unusual, even funny, names, but whatever obstacles those names might incur, they're nothing compared with being Palins...And the only thing funny about that is Tina Fey...

You Hotcha! Henry Ezekiel Mohaski

2008 Laminated List # 3

Oh my! Tina Fey dropped from #2 to #3 on this year's Laminated List, and there's absolutely no other reason than the woman who jumped up to #2 simply got me in a lather more than she usually does, and in the end, this whole sordid endeavor is about sex with famous, unattainable women, right?

Once upon a time, Tina Fey was an attainable woman. Nowadays she's married with a daughter, but she still seems like an attainable woman, which is certainly a huge part of her appeal. She was self-admittedly a band geek/drama nerd all through her formative years, and if I learned anything in high school, it's the fact that The Speaks were 100% freaks. I ain't saying Tina Fey was easy, but she was undoubtedly fun.

This third picture with the big pencil almost singlehandedly kept Tina Fey at #2. I want to take it behind the the middle school and get it pregnant.

Tina Fey is on my Laminated List for most of the same basic reasons Amy Sedaris is - she's funny, cute, smart and seemingly real in an entertainment industry that isn't known for reality. Hell, The Hills isn't even real. Not really.

What is real is the scene from a recent episode of 30 Rock wherein Fey's character, Liz Lemon, scarfs down a huge deli sandwich in one take, in about 20 seconds, while stuck in airport security. An impressive feat, a funny scene, proof of her dedication, and yeah, pretty damn sexy.

Hotcha! Hank

Laminated Lemon

The CD burner on my PC crapped out last week, so I took the big hit on my checking account, and dropped a serious $35 on a new DVD drive, courtesy of the fine folks at Best Buy and LG...

After the tortuous 9 minutes spent swapping 'em out, and another 4 hours installing some Cyberlink software, I was ready to watch all my favorite DVDs on my PC...

That's super.

But what's even more super is the fact that I can now do screen grabs from all my favorite DVDs...And due to nothing more than mere proximity, the first DVD I popped in was Season One of 30 Rock, featuring featuring Tina Fey as Liz Lemon, who happens to be firmly entrenched at #2 on my Laminated List.

This also opens up the possibility of resurrecting MUCKO!

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS, No.10

My 14 Favorite Baseball Caps Worn By Judah Friedlander On "30 Rock"

<<<<<>>>>>

Comedian/Actor Judah Friedlander plays Frank Rossitano on the NBC sitcom, 30 Rock. The character is a staff writer for a late-night sketch comedy show, and in general, Friedlander plays him off as raw, real, honest, which also means he's a dude who'll pick up luncheon meat from the floor of a television studio and stuff it into his mouth without giving it a second thought.

Anyways...Frank always, always always sports a baseball cap with some sort of text on the front...If I counted correctly (yeah, I can get obsessive with really stupid things) Frank wore 30 different caps during 30 Rock's first season...

Here are my fourteen favorites:

14: Bahama Trapezoid
13: Beef N Bean
12: Liz Rocks
11: Time Travel Agent
10: Alien Knight Force
09: Beef Ravioli
08: Alabama Legsweep
07: 1,000,000 Points
06: Mystery Solver
05: Karate Sluts
04: Hand Held
03: E.S.P. Tutor
02: UFO Cop
01: Bigfoot Expert

Hotcha!

Hank

2007 Laminated List # 2

If you've been reading HOT POOP since last November, then you might already remember that Tina Fey is on my Laminated List...

And here we are. Number two...

Tina Fey is smart, and a smartass, and she often wears cute, geeky glasses, on and off the best sitcom currently on television (sorry to those at The Office), and ever since she had a baby daughter in 2005, her boobs have gotten downright heavy, and damn if she doesn't flash that milky rack all over 30 Rock, with a crooked smile on her lips, and an off-key song in her heart.

Possibly a Rogers & Hammerstein tune. Or maybe Abba.

I imagine Tina Fey was a SPEAK when she was in high school. In my high school, The Speaks were that group of kids who were in band, the musicals, student council, and the debate team and all the other disciplines known as FORENSICS.

I was in Forensics. I was in the Demonstrative Prose category, and I won't bore you with the details of THAT, but I will tell you that for me, Forensics opened up the doors to the world of The Speaks, and I quickly learned that those geeky girls in that group were wiiiild partiers, *wink wink* and so then my friends and I started calling 'em Speak Freaks...

So I figure Tina Fey was a Speak Freak, circa 1987. Depeche Mode mix tapes and pints of blackberry brandy. Ponytails and braces. I knew a few Tina Feys in high school.

But the real Tina Fey, today, is a bonafide MILF, and she just keep getting better and better.

Hotcha! Hank

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Yes, Tina Fey is on my Laminated List.

What?

Oh yeah - she's a lefty too.

Hotcha! Hank

2006 Laminated List # 4

Tina Fey

Hotcha! Hank