Wow!

I'm not sure if I'm the first to make this observation, but Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson on Parks & Rec) has certainly got his shit together over the past 8 years. The man cleans up nicely.

Hotcha! Hank

My 2011 Oscar Picks

BEST FILM: The Social Network
BEST DIRECTOR: David Fincher, The Social Network
BEST ACTOR: Colin Firth, The King's Speech
BEST ACTRESS: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christian Bale, The Fighter
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:Melissa Leo, The Fighter
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Christopher Nolan, Inception
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network
BEST FOREIGN FILM: Biutiful [Mexico]
BEST DOCUMENTARY: Inside Job
BEST ANIMATED FILM: Toy Story 3
BEST SCORE: The Social Network [Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross]
BEST SONG: "I'll Rise", 127 Hours [Rahman, Dido, Armstrong]
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHER: Matthew Libatique, Black Swan
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Colleen Atwood, Alice In Wonderland

Well, I was 10 of 15. Not great, not horrible.

Hotcha! Hank

Beefcake Equality!

Gotta balance things out a bit...A little Ali Larter ass, a little Nathan Fillion ass...

Hotcha! Hank

What We've Got Here Is A Failure To Live Forever

Legendary screen actor Paul Newman died yesterday at the age of 83 after a long bout with cancer.

Now, you might think the title of this post is a bit crass, and even this beefcake picture I've chosen to include is perhaps not the most dignified, but I assure you, I've only got the upmost respect for Mr. Newman.

My mom, may she rest in peace, adored Paul Newman all her life, and when we see this picture of an insanely handsome man, it's easy to understand why. I think we tend to forget that celebrities get old like everyone else, and maybe we tend to forget that once upon a time, they were the Ashton Kutchers and Zac Efrons of their generation. Except that Newman was a sublime and award-winning actor.

But dammit if Newman didn't often play against his good looks, preferring to take on the roles of questionable characters and lowlifes when he very well could have taken the easy way out with those looks and become nothing more than another handsome leading man in romances and romantic comedies. No, instead he carved out a stellar career in any number of bonafide classics, along the way racking up an impressive 10 Academy Award nominations...My personal favorite would be Cool Hand Luke, in which he played the titular character, a prison inmate who bucks the warden's heavy-handed oppression, which includes in one unforgettable scene, the eating of 50 hard-boiled eggs...

Of course, we can't discuss Paul Newman without mentioning his food company, Newman's Own, which has donated all of it's $175 million (so far) profits to charity over the years. It is rare for anyone to excel in ONE field of endeavor in our lives, but Newman did it twice.

Then again, he also had a great career as a part-owner of a auto-racing team, not to mention being married to Joanne Woodward for 50 years, which is an extreme anomaly in Hollywood, so it would appear just about everything he touched was golden...

Yeah, all in all, my mom, and so many more women of her generation, had exceedingly great taste when it came to Paul Newman...May he rest in peace...

Hotcha! Hank

Hot Barack Filler

Nothing more than a cheap and easy Giraffe Fart I did the other night...Quick and dirty...

The thought had crossed my mind to try and recreate Tupac's tattoos, but that's not how I roll, babycakes... "High Performance-Low Art-Hank Mohaski" and all that...Anyways...

OBAMA '08!

Hotcha! Hank

Those Damn Hungarians

A very reliable crack addict who hangs out at the Mobil station up the street once told me that Hungarians enjoy urinating in public. Or was that a dream? Either way, it would appear somebody's shoes are getting wet.

Hotcha! Hank

I Bet They're Dutch

Don't you just hate when a bunch of self-important tools have the balls to worm their way into your gay porn photo shoot? If that chick on the right wasn't leaning because of her lopsided breasts, this would qualify as 100% cockblocking.

Hotcha! Hank

All Aboard The Beardwagon!!!!!

THE BEARD IS BACK!

Apparently.

The current issue of Time Magazine contains a story [link] about the renewed popularity of the beard in America.

Whether it is the scruff worn by assorted characters on LOST (which is a function of being on a deserted island moreso than a choice), the short-lived "strike beards" adorning the faces of David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, or the manly beards worn by various members of the New England Patriots (a function of superstition and cold fucking weather), this story's premise is that manly facial hair has made a comeback in our country.

Of course, being the iconoclast that I am, an iconoclast who has worn either a goattee or full-on beard since the age of 15 (1981 for those of you keeping tabs), I call "bullshit" on this entire trend, if only because most of these folks who have adopted facial hair are only doing so because they got a whiff of that same trend in the air, and want to be a meaningless part of it all.

Letterman and O'Brien both shaved theirs off within a week of returning to the airwaves, thus proving that neither truly had solidarity with the WGA, nor the cajones to keep the beard for merely aesthetic reasons, despite the fact that both talkshow hosts looked rather handsome in their bearded splendor.

If you pick up any indie music magazine, such as Alternative Press, you will see that the full-on beard has become as ubiquitous as those annoying fucking haircuts where the bangs hang prominently over half the face among the Emo/Metalcore set.



Listen, I don't know if I have a relevant point to this particular rant of mine, except to be self-serving (ouch, I think I broke my arm patting myself on the back)...Like I said, I've been wearing facial hair for 25+ years now, and it bothers me to see it become fashionable, rather than just "cool" all the time. So let me say this here - beards, or any sort of facial hair, is cool, all the time, until the end of time.

I had a chemistry teacher in high school, and we used to make fun of his fashion sense, to which he replied, "Fashion trends cycle through every 10-15 years, so I figure at least once per decade I'm back in style."

This is how I feel about facial hair. The '60's counterculture adopted the beard, only to trim it back to the moustache through much of the 1970's. The 1980's were all about the clean-shaven look (except for a brief stubbly moment thanks to MIAMI VICE), until Grunge made the goattee the hirsute choice of douchebags everywhere, many of them the member of a fraternity. And now, here we are, apparently celebrating the beard.

Personally, I think anyone (that includes you, ladies) capable of growing facial hair has a DUTY of doing so. Clean-shaven faces are for pre-pubescent boys and supermodels.

Those of you who know me, know my feelings about all of this already. My love of facial hair is probably best expressed through Doug Fudge, P.I., one of the characters from my comic strip who happens to make and sell all manner of outrageous beards and moustaches for the discerning person who wants to be incognito...

This current "trend", if it really is one, will be dead by summer...No, it will be dead by April. People are fucking cattle, for the most part, and as soon as this hype wears down, most will return to being cleanshaven bores afraid to cut against the grain, so to speak. To them, I say "good riddance" because they're just not cool enough to rock out with their beard out to begin with.

Oh, and my own theory as to why the beard has become popular as of late? I believe we're trying to identify with the "enemy", which right now is fundamentalist Muslims. Yeah, chew on THAT for awhile!

Hotcha! Hank

A Hines Ward Kinda Love

I love Hines Ward.

Ya gotta love Hines Ward.

Hines Ward caught two touchdown passes this past Sunday in the Pittsburgh-Cincinnati game, giving him the most career TD receptions (64) in Steeler history. Ward had previously surpassed Lynn Swann, and now he passes John Stallworth, for the honor. Both of those receivers are in the NFL Hall Of Fame, and I think it's safe to say that one day Ward will be in Canton as well.

I love Hines Ward because he works hard. Because he's rarely missed a game (3 games, I think) due to injury in nearly a decade. Because as a receiver he runs precise routes and has extremely good hands. Because he's long been considered one of the best blocking receivers in the NFL. All of this makes him an extremely reliable target for Ben Roethlisberger, and really, the most valuable player on the Steelers' offense.

But mostly, I love Hines Ward because Hines Ward obviously loves playing football. As John Madden pointed out during the Steelers-Bengals game on Sunday night, Hines Ward is always smiling. He's smiling whether he's winning or losing, whether it's sunny, or another wet, muddy swamp at Heinz Field. Hell, I'm pretty sure he's smiling in that top photograph, that's how much this guy loves football.

And finally, it's a simple name, but a good name. Hines Ward.

I love Hines Ward because I like saying "Hines Ward".

HINES WARD!

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS, No.10

My 14 Favorite Baseball Caps Worn By Judah Friedlander On "30 Rock"

<<<<<>>>>>

Comedian/Actor Judah Friedlander plays Frank Rossitano on the NBC sitcom, 30 Rock. The character is a staff writer for a late-night sketch comedy show, and in general, Friedlander plays him off as raw, real, honest, which also means he's a dude who'll pick up luncheon meat from the floor of a television studio and stuff it into his mouth without giving it a second thought.

Anyways...Frank always, always always sports a baseball cap with some sort of text on the front...If I counted correctly (yeah, I can get obsessive with really stupid things) Frank wore 30 different caps during 30 Rock's first season...

Here are my fourteen favorites:

14: Bahama Trapezoid
13: Beef N Bean
12: Liz Rocks
11: Time Travel Agent
10: Alien Knight Force
09: Beef Ravioli
08: Alabama Legsweep
07: 1,000,000 Points
06: Mystery Solver
05: Karate Sluts
04: Hand Held
03: E.S.P. Tutor
02: UFO Cop
01: Bigfoot Expert

Hotcha!

Hank

HOT AUGUST BEEFCAKE!

"Putin strong! Virile! Russia strong! Virile!"

"Now who's up for some Appletinis?"

But seriously, if I were to compile a Beefcake Man-Crush Laminated List, I think I'd have to put Vladamir Putin at #4 or 5...

If nothing else, I find this picture to be hilariously abfab...Quite stylish...

Of course, it could also work as a print ad for Timberland Boots, or possibly a top shelf vodka, but who cares?

BEEFCAKE! Shiny, hairless beefcake...

You're welcome, ladies...

Hotcha!

Hank

Beefcake Equality!

As the title of this LP suggests, this post is for the ladies. Notice that these spicey songs are sung by Saul T. Peter...

Salt Peter!!!!!

Hotcha! Hank

Plastic Carrot

Famed prop comic Carrot Top signals that once his breast augmentation surgery is complete, his transformation into Jocelyn Wildenstein will be a total success.


Hotcha!
Hank

Cheney Hides The Drumstick

Find the leftover turkey drumstick, boys and girls.

Hotcha!
Hank

Private Feelgood

It seems Tommy Lee enlisted in the Army this past weekend, when the cognitively-challenged musician mistook a recruitment center on Hollywood Boulevard for a Starbucks. He will be stationed in Afghanistan after completion of his basic training.

Reached for comment, the Motley Crue drummer said, "At first, I was scared shitless, but then Nikki Sixx told me that Afghanistan is covered with poppy fields, so I figure my tour of duty will be alot like the Crue's Theater Of Pain Tour, which was a fucking blast. Now I'm wicked psyched to go. Plus, I convinced Scott Weiland to enlist too. We're gonna be bunkmates."

An NBC film crew will be embedded with the duo's unit to record footage for a live-action sitcom to premier sometime next year.

Hotcha!
Hank

Casting Stones

I figured I ought to post this MUCKO! before this entire Ted Haggard noodle chewing story is gone and forgotten.

It's not that I have a problem with snorting meth and engaging in cranky man-on-man action, but I do have a problem with hypocrites, especially people who claim some sort of moral authority, damn homosexuals to eternal hellfire, convince thousands and millions of others that cranky man-on-man action is a deadly sin, and then commit this so-called "sin" in some two-bit Colorado Springs motel while his pious wife and kids think he's working late at the Church, trying to keep the world, and especially the children, free and safe from meth-sweaty bear action.

If there is a heaven above, I believe Ted Haggard's day of reckoning is gonna be an eye-opener.

Good luck, dude!

Hotcha!
Hank

Oh, Danny Boy...

See, the thing is, you can ingest all the hillbilly heroin you want, and lift weights until yr ripped like a gay porn star, but if yr popularly known as "Danny", you will always be popularly known as "Danny", and no amount of shirtless appearances at Hollywood costume parties will ever make you "Dan".

Hotcha!
Hank

More Gravy!

Why did Matthew McConaughey brush his teeth as he crossed the road?


Jake Gyllenhaal is rather hirsute.

Hotcha! Hank

With A Side Of Gravy, Please!

Why did Matthew McConaughey brush his teeth as he crossed the road?



Ach, the chicken was a bit stringy and dry.

Hotcha! Hank

Celebrity Blog Rip-Off Maneauver # 2

Agent: "So, here's the deal. It's a remake of The Wild One as a slapstick comedy."

Zach Braff: "No fucking way. No no no."

Agent: "Hear me out, Zach.!"

Zach: "No way. That's just stupid."

Agent: "You'd play the Brando role, which means narration, just like you do on Scrubs."

Zach: "I'm listening."

Agent: "You and all the bikers would ride Vespas and scooters instead of big motorcycles."

Zach: "I'm on mine right now!"

Agent: "There ya go!"

Zach: "But I drive a scooter on Scrubs already...And we do tons of slapstick too."

Agent: "There ya go! It's another piece of the Zach Braff jigsaw puzzle. A perfectly natural fit. The next logical step."

Zach: "I dunno man. I wanna do serious films."

Agent: "Zach, baby, you've got your whole life to make serious films, I'm telling you, this can't miss."

Zach: "You haven't convinced me."

Agent: "How about Will Ferrell as Chino, the leader of the rival gang, played by Lee Marvin in the original."

Zach: "Ferrell won't do supporting for a guy like me."

Agent: "No, I talked to his people. He's interested. And Scarlett Johansson is penciled in to play the female lead - your romantic interest."

Zach: "She's sexy."

Agent: "She's sexy, and she's good box office."

Zach: "But she doesn't do slapstick."

Agent: "Are you kidding, Zach, she can do anything. Did you see her in Woody's latest? She was hilarious."

Zach: "She is sexy."

Agent: "Yes, she is sexy. So, whattya think?"

Zach: "I dunno, Barry."

Agent: "Alright, how about this...Black Rebel Motorcycle Club does the soundtrack."

Zach: "The entire soundtrack?"

Agent: "The whole shebang! And it's perfect because that was the name of Brando's gang in the original. See where this is going?"

Zach: "They're one of my favorite bands!"

Agent: "I know they are, baby! I'm telling you - this could be huge!"

Zach: "They won't change your life like The Shins, but they're damn good."

Agent: "Yes, they are...So...you in?"

Zach: "Listen, I'm in Starbuck's parking lot right now. Let me down a vente Caramel Macchiato to clear my head, and I'll get back to you."

Agent: "Cheers, mate."

*click*

Hotcha!
Hank