Tuesday's Fortune: 08 June 2010

MEAL: 1 order Empress Chicken = $8.55 + $1.45 tip


Hotcha! Hank

Winter Is Already Hard...

Last night/earlier this morning, I posted a bunch of videos because I was bored at the moment, having spent all day Friday stuck inside while 11 inches of snow fell outside...Here in Madison we're already on track to set new records for total snowfall in December, and we're already ahead of the season total record pace from last winter...

I spent half the day watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live on VHS tapes, spent another healthy portion of the day napping on the couch with the Isaac and Eno nestled somewhere in there...Later on I ate two large bowls of homemade Cheddar-Broccoli soup, and read the first few chapters of Rainbows End by Vernor Vinge while Brian Eno music streamed softly in the background...

Then I hung around YouTube...Until this...

Shit got real weird, babycakes...

First, all the power went out...But before I could stumble around by the light of my Djeep disposable lighter, and go downstairs to hit the circuit breakers, all the power came back on, and when I say ALL the power, I mean every last thing in the house that was powered by electricity suddenly came ON, including all those lights and appliances and musical gear and whatnot that wasn't on before the power went out...This didn't quite startle the cats, but it certainly freaked me out...

And then the two televisions, two boomboxes, the clockradio and my guitar amp all were suddenly interrupted by what I can only describe as harmonious, melodic static...Like a choir of digital angels from some other dimension...Both cats sat by the front door and kinda chittered the way they do when they're watching birds and squirrels from the windows, and this absolutely freaked me out, so I turned everything off, ate a chocolate chip muffin which I washed down with an extra-large, extra-strong Brandy Alexander, and layed in bed for the next hour or two, wondering what the world was coming to, or if I had merely lost my mind...

When I finally slept, I dreamt of that time I went raccoon hunting with my cousin Chico and that enormous barn owl swooped down out of the darkness and attacked Grinch, the young mutt on his first hunt that night...Actually tried carrying Grinch away, but the poor dog was just a little too heavy, and the owl couldn't lift him more than a couple feet off the ground before he had to drop him...

The dream ended on the beach, like so many of my dreams do...Or maybe it was a dream within a dream...Or maybe it was the soup.

Hotcha! Hank

Extreme Nostalgia Invasion

Working for a superhuge multi-national conglomeration that makes and sells a seemingly infinite variety of goods and services, including gaming systems, has it's advantages. For example, a free PSP system, and free UMD games from time to time...HOTCHA!

So, yeah, recently, I got my dirty mitts on this game, Space Invaders Extreme, and as someone who literally came of age at video arcades (The Electric Connection!), I was definitely excited to give this game a whirl...I dropped many a quarters into the original Space Invaders arcade game, and I could hang with just about every other dude in the Electric Connection, except for those two or three that made Space Invaders their game...

If I had a game, and I'm not sure if I did, because I jumped around from machine to machine, including extreme amounts of time at the Foosball table, I'd hafta say my game was Galaga...

Now, Galaga was just a more colorful and sophisticated version of Space Invaders, and when you get right down to it, this new 30th Anniversary Edition of the original Space Invaders looks and plays more like a high-tech version of Galaga than it's actual namesake...

Which isn't a bad thing, really...Space Invaders Extreme is brash and colorful and loud and fast and absolutely 100% non-stop, which means ya gotta hit pause with some regularity in order to give yr eyeballs some rest...

Which isn't to say this game doesn't translate to the relative small PSP screen, because it actually looks phenomenal, and plays well...No, believe me, it's the pace and and the colors the graphics that will fuck you up...

If you enlarge this pic, it's about actual-size...Now imagine solid Techno Music blazing away, while invaders and UFOs of all shapes and sizes and colors attack and attack and attack, unrelentingly...Endlessly...

Anyways, if you happen to have a PSP, or Nintendo DS, this modern remake of a classic and simple gaming concept (move Left and Right + Fire) is a fun and frantic diversion, and if yr as old as me, there's that added enforced nostalgia...Even a little goes a long way...

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 10 June 2008

MEAL: 2 Vegetable Spring Rolls + 1 small order Curry Chicken = $6.75 + $1.25 tip

Hotcha! Hank

On The 8th Day Of Christmas...

I give to thee...EIGHT PREDICTIONS FOR 2008!

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

01: During the Super Bowl XLII halftime show, a "wardrobe malfunction" involving one of Tom Petty's Hearbreakers, keyboardist Benmont Tench, will shock and outrage America. The rest of the world will shrug and drink more beer.

02: The WGA strike will continue in Hollywood through the winter. Just when the AMPTP are about to concede to the writers' union this coming March, studio execs realize that Americans will essentially watch whatever reality crap you throw in front of 'em. Hello, Celebrity Wife Swap, goodbye 30 Rock.

03: Jamie Lynn Spears will give birth to an entire boy band named In2It, who are a fully owned and managed property of Disney. A few people in Ohio are shocked and outraged to learn that K-Fed is the baby boy band daddy, but the rest of us merely feel a smug sense of satisfaction.

04: This summer, aliens from a planet in the Betelgeuse system, will contact earth with a message and a plea. The message - Altruism and mutual respect among all races, creeds and ethnicities is the only way human life will survive beyond the next century. The plea - Won't somebody please convince 20th Century Fox and NBC to release on DVD all 8 episodes of the 1983 television show Manimal, starring Simon MacCorkindale as Steve, the Manimal.

05: McDonalds begins selling shushi in their American restaraunts. McFotumaki is a traditional Maki-zushi roll containing grilled salmon, avacado and mild radish, and proves to be quite popular. As does The Breakfast Chirashizushi, which is nothing more and nothing less than a sublime plastic bowl full of vinegared sushi rice, sausage, scrambled eggs and sweet corn. Meanwhile, sweet pickled ginger becomes America's newest condiment sensation, and by the end of the year two dozen brands and varieties will be available on grocery store shelves nationwide.

06: In her latest attempt to remain in the public eye and maintain some sort of relevance, Paris Hilton will finance and produce a "home video" in which the young celebutante has cocaine blown up her ass with a straw by an extremely pregnant Nicole Richie. Later in the video, Richie fucks Hilton in the ass with a very large, very menacing, very pink strap-on dildo. A highlight of this scene is when Richie exclaims, "I can't feel my cock!", and Paris responds, "It's because of all the coke in my ass!" DVD copies are available all over the internet for $29.95, shipping included.

07: In September Bigfoot "outs" himself at a press conference in Vancouver, claims Canadian citizenship, and announces a book deal with St. Martin's Press rumored to be worth $20 million. He does not take any questions from the press at that time, but the following week is interviewed by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning, America for a reported $3 Million. In the interview, Bigfoot appears to be drunk, and becomes visibly agitated when Sawyer questions him about his whereabouts during Vietnam and his supposed affair with Sharon Stone in the early 1990's.

08: John Edwards will be elected the next President of the United States, with Hillary Clinton his VP running mate.

Hotcha! Hank

EVERYTHINGATHON!: November 2007

This month's EVERYTHINGATHON! podcast is now available for streaming and download at the EVERYTHINGATHON! website...

It's entitled XMAS OF DOOM! , and is essentially a tape recording I made on December 23rd, 2008, after the aliens began their "harvest".

Yes, that's right - the future...And aliens...

All in all, it's a rather brutal hour of doom and static, shock and futility. Enjoy!

Hotcha!

Hank

HOT POOP Poster 4 9:01PM

information

information is

information is not

information is not knowledge

Hotcha!
Hank

Random Stripping Event: 5July2007

Individual KIETH THE PERPETUAL TEEN strips are barely funny when taken within the context of an entire story arc, and they're almost never funny when considered on their own.


Such is the case with this particular strip, which is taken from a self-contained KTPT story tentatively entitled Sheriff Omar & The Pile Of Dead Disc Jockeys...

Pretty colors.


Hotcha! Hank

Grand Theft Sideways Maneuver

Here's a nifty little video that explores some of the mysteries of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, like Bigfoot and aliens. Good fun. Enjoy!

Hotcha! Hank

Bonus Stripping Event

I was 10 strips into a Kieth The Perpetual Teen story about the Mooninite Terror in Boston when I lost steam and a way out of the story. This is the first strip in the series so far...

And here's probably the funniest one of the bunch, if only because it's the least silly and stupid, which is actually ANTI-Kieth The Perpetual Teen...It's #4 in the series...

And finally, let's jump to the tenth and final strip in series...If it feels like the end, it is because I copped out early...I've got an idea about extending the story another 5-10 strips, but The Day The Mooninites Nearly Destroyed Beantown is already a faded memory, only 3 weeks later...

Hotcha! Hank

Much Hairdo About Nothing

Yesterday Britney Spears shaved her head.

If you are one to read the celebrity gossip blogs and websites, as I am wont to do, you will have noticed the great uproar and general disgust over this latest bit of trivia in the life and times of the pop princess.

The consensus seems to be that Britney has completely lost her mind, that the act of shaving herself bald is a clear indication that the young woman is mentally disturbed and or under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Many of the posts at these celebrity blogs, posts by so-called "normal" people, like you and I, are full of "OMG" and "WTF", and of course, many people simply saying that they feel sorry for her, and hope she gets the help she needs...

IT'S FUCKING HAIR, PEOPLE!

Not only is it hair, but it's HER hair, and it will grow back.

Are we so narrow-minded as a culture that we cannot fathom a bald woman? Are we unable to confront anything outside our "normal" cultural constructs? You know, prior to WWI, long hair and long beards were the accepted norm among men. It was only exposure to lice and fleas in the trenches of that war that ultimately led to short hair and clean-shaven faces on men becoming the acceptable norm. Nowadays, if a man sports long hair and a beard of any length we automatically assume that he is a hippie (with all the negative connotations associated with that lifestyle) and furthermore, has poor hygeine. Likewise, a woman with short hair must undoubtedly be a lesbian, and of course, a woman who goes bald absolutely MUST be mentally disturbed and/or under the influence.

I will offer the opposite - It is my contention that men with short hair and women with long hair are gutless and spineless soldiers in the army of the mundane. They lack imagination, they lack a sense of self, and they are consumed with a drive to please all others at all costs. These are the kinds of people who offer nothing of value to the world in which they live, and serve no better purpose than to pass judgement on blogs.

You are here.

Hotcha! Hank

Plastic Carrot

Famed prop comic Carrot Top signals that once his breast augmentation surgery is complete, his transformation into Jocelyn Wildenstein will be a total success.


Hotcha!
Hank

EVERYTHINGATHON! August 2006

EPIC SUMMER.

Can.

EPIC SUMMER.

Tortoise.

EPIC SUMMER.

Sonic Youth.

EPIC SUMMER.

EVERYTHINGATHON! AUGUST 2006!

Hotcha! Hank

The 4401st

I wish I could simply tell you that I was abducted by aliens, and that was the reason HOT POOP has sat dormant and neglected since last November, but we all know life isn't so fantastically convenient.

The truth is - I'm just human, dammit!

Yes, it's true. And as a human, I have these tendencies to procrastinate and then simply give up on all sorts of things - things like housework, relationships, reading Tolstoy, acquiring a taste for beets, watching Grey's Anatomy, and regularly updating HOT POOP.

But obviously, I haven't forgotten about HOT POOP, and here I am, trying to convince myself that I haven't entirely given up on this blog. Not yet, anyways.

The trick, for me, is to update this blog often enough for the act to become habitual, because I am nothing if not an addict. Which is entirely human, as well...Alot of us, if we do anything often enough, then have a hard time stopping - things like alcohol and masturbation, reading EW magazine and making serial killer snow globes, watching That 70's Show in syndication...

So, you see, this is really all about Newton's First Law Of Motion, and for that, I can't apologize.

Hotcha!
Hank