Perbert

I don't know what to make of this. He looks like a perverted Bert, so I call him Perbert.

Hotcha! Hank

I've started drinking through straws...

I believe these things to be true, which is why Hot Poop has no momentum, nevermind simple traction. Of course the lack of "blog focus" doesn't help. It's been something like 5 years since Hot Poop started rolling, and I'm still not sure what it's supposed to be. Surely it ought to be more than fortune cookie fortunes and a weekly mp3.

On the other hand, I have been working on the Warlord Scott screenplay. That's something.

Hotcha! Hank

8 Flaggers

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The Eternal Cart Return

Consumeroborus!

Hotcha! Hank

Modest Sideways Dashboard Mouse Maneuver

Modest Mouse. Isaac Brock. Beards. Maps. Microphonehand. Radiohead.

Hotcha! Hank

Sir Isaac Isaacs

In case you missed the link in the previous post, this is Sir Isaac Isaacs, the Governor General of Australia in the 1930's. About nine times a week I call Isaac The Cat "Sir Isaac Isaacs", though as I said, he wasn't named after this man and his regal moustache.

Here he is without the wig and the moustache. The uniform is dynamite, but I think he needs a nice hat... And the 'stache.

Hotcha! Hank

A Cat At Rest Tends To Stay At Rest

This is Isaac The Cat in early 1996, when he was just under a year old and I still lived in the huge flat above the sandwich shop in Grafton with the Reverend Screamin' Ben Jenkins and Sweetpea. The dark cat behind him is Sweetpea's cat, Tasha. She was about 19 years old at the time, and we had to put her to sleep a month or two after this picture was taken. A brutal day.

Isaac wasn't named after Sir Isaac Newton, though in hindsight that just makes Isaac that much cooler. Nor was he named after Asimov. Never cared for the little Asimov I've read. Nor was he named after Isaac Hayes, Isaac Bashevis Singer, or even Isaac Isaacs...

Isaac means "laughter" in Hebrew.

Sometimes I tell people he was named after Isaac the bartender on The Love Boat, but that's not true.

Isaac is 15 years old today. He doesn't have any of his fangs but still enjoys tuna in oil and play-fighting with his teeth more than his hind legs. He can still jump about 4 feet straight up in the air when properly motivated by dangling objects tied to the ends of strings. Hi favorite place in the house to sleep is the left arm of the blue chair (a different blue chair than the one in this picture), though lately he's been digging the floorspace next to the modem under my desk.

These things are true.

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 31

My 14 Favorite 4-Letter Crossword Words

I do two online crossword puzzles every morning. One is here at USA Today, and the other is here. They're challenging enough puzzles at the Master Skill Level, and almost laughably easy on the Regular Skill Level, but either way, they're a good way to get going in the morning with my mug of coffee and peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

For no other reason than because I can, here then is a list of 14 four-letter words that are used with varying frequency in the 14 crossword puzzles I do each week, ranked according to a complex equation of frequency, beauty, rarity and whim. Perhaps the most pointless HANK RANKS ever.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

14: OBOE: We all know what an oboe is. This word doesn't show up in my 14 weekly crossword puzzles all that often, but it's three vowels make it a handy word for the puzzle designers to have in their arsenal.

13: AXON: Axon doesn't show up all that often either, which is kind of a shame. I've always liked this word, such a sturdy companion for dendrite. Dendrite is a very good word, and that's undeniable.

12: OLEO: Oleo is another word for margarine, and I don't allow butter substitutes in my fridge. Still, it's a four-letter word that shows up at least four or six times a week in my puzzles. "My puzzles." That sounds like something a douchy nerd would say. I guess that makes me a butter-eatin' nerdouche™.

10: (tie) IBID, IBIS: The beauty of these two words is apparent. that IBI combination is unique and therefore valuable one that shows up regularly every week. Ibid is short for the Latin word ibidem, which means "in the same place". An ibis is a tropical wading bird.

09: IBEX: An ibex is a kind of wild goat found in the middle east and around the Mediterranean. As a crossword word, all I can say is that letter X isn't used all that often in the puzzles I do regularly.

08: ESSE: Esse means "to be" in Latin. One must sign up for the free trial of Merriam-Webster Online in order to see the entry for this word. I find that funny and sad. The most central, crucial, ESSENTIAL word in our world - the first verb, the last word - and MW Online doesn't let you "see it for free". Esse is also a slang word for "gangsta" in Latino culture, but these puzzles don't use the word that way.

06: (tie) IOTA, MOTE: Tiny amounts and specks of things. Two great words that word great together. Or something.

05: OLIO: Olio is a pretty cool word that I would like to use in my everyday life, but it means hodge-podge, and when one has the circumstance and opportunity to use the word hodge-podge, one is pretty much obligated to use it. Hodge-podge shows up as a crossword word maybe six times a year by my reckoning. See also - collage.

04: ULNA: Ulna is a very boring and ugly-sounding word that is very useful in crossword puzzles, playing the oboe, and maturbating. Fuck ulna, let's move on.

03: TSAR: Tsar is the only four-letter word on this list that has three consonants, so I ranked it #3, natch. Tsar shows up in my daily crossword puzzle about 4 or 5 times a week, and it's popularity is no doubt due to that TS, a letter combo that often happens at the back end of words, but here comes front-loaded for maximum puzzle design flexibility. Of course, here in the United States, we use the czar spelling of this word, but the letter Z often proves to be a bitch to squeeze into a crossword puzzle.

02: AGUE: Ague is a four letter word you've never spoke out loud in your life. You could read that last sentence out loud and change yr life forever, and prove me wrong on yet another fact. Ague basically means a fever, like malaria, according to Merriam-Webster, and often it's crossword clue includes the word flu. Because ague is a four letter word you never spoke out loud until three sentences ago (because it's an awkward, ugly-looking word), it's #2 on this list.

01: OREO: As we all know, Oreo™ is a brand name for a sandwich cookie made by the Nabisco Division of Kraft Foods. Brand names don't show up in crossword puzzles very often, but Oreo™ is the rare exception. Except it isn't a rare crossword word. In fact, if I kept stats, Oreo™ just might be among the two or three most-used words I run across in my 14 weekly puzzles. It probably shows up at least 8-9 times per week. What can I say, we like to eat, and in the world of crosswords, three vowels out of four-letters is delicious.

Hotcha! Hank

Stiff Little Sideways Raygun Maneuver

This video pretty well illustrates one of the uglier aspects of PUNK, and likewise, one of the greater failings of this HOT POOP blog - this idea that one history is somehow more important than any other history. Punkers are always so fucking righteous about their music and their scene, which bands are better, which bands are purer (don't I always mention "true believers"?), and we all know at least four aging, self-proclaimed punkers who likes to talk about what bands mattered first and most in their own particular city/scene, to say nothing of Punk as a monolithic thing that apparently matters. And they're always so fucking humorless about it. Perhaps you know me.

This is almost the same as being able to namecheck the most obscure band possible. For example, I'll never forget the time my band, The Nadz, opened for Finger Phil at that bonfire party out at Rudy's farm, and my cousin Chico broke his ankle trying to jump the fire. You weren't there? Oh man, you had to be there!

My nostalgia is better than your nostalgia, and I've got just enough delusions and desperation to write about it here.

But I'm not unique. My kind is not unique. Greasers. Hippies. Punks. Slackers. Hipsters. Each generation in the rock era has their douchebags.

You're soaking in it.

Hotcha! Hank

Filler, 3 AM...

Ben mentioned this Natalie Portman video in this Tuesday's Tuesday's Fortune post, so I figured I might as well post it...More filler, if nothing else...

I responded that my feelings for Ms. Portman are conflicted...

If I were ten years younger, I suppose Natalie Portman might be my Winona Ryder, you know? But I'm not, so she isn't...

Adorableness aside, I generally don't like most of Ms. Portman's more notable roles and films...I do not like Leon - The Professional...Her character in Garden State annoys me beyond belief, in a film that annoys me in general...The Star Wars films? Pffft...

But I must say, I really like Beautiful Girls quite alot, and her role as a Lolita in the film is a good one, and Portman's performance stands out in a big cast full of good actors giving good performances themselves.

Anyways, here's 7 minutes of Natalie on Letterman, being smart, being cute, being a bit snarky...

Hotcha! Hank

100% Filler!

Hotcha! Hank

A Band By Any Other Name Still Smells Like The Drummer's Sweatband

The new issue of Alternative Press (#261 if yr counting) contains their annual compendium of 100 bands we need to know about this year, and as I have done the past couple of years, I'd like to take this opportunity to list some of the very ridiculous and sometimes outright horrible band names found within.

As I've mentioned before, I've always been fascinated by band names. So much so, that I've accumulated my own extensive list with the help of friends and enemies over the past 25 years. Further, I'm willing to admit that our own list contains at least 75% ridiculous and horrible band names that no sane person would ever use to conquer popular culture. Plenty are inside jokes (never a good idea for a band name) while others are merely the result of substance abuse.

(Also - I was once in a band called Those Amazing Foreheads, which is probably worth keeping in mind...)

The difference is - the bands on the following list ARE trying to make a living as professional musicians, and in my own opinion, have one huge strike against them from the get-go by choosing the monikers they have chosen. Hindsight should inform us that at least 90% of these bands will never have any lasting relevance in pop culture, and this failure has almost nothing to do with the music (some of these bands are very good at what they do) and almost everything to do with luck...and their names. I've listed 40 of these 100 bands here, but I could have named a many, many more that aren't half bad, but aren't really half-good either.

Anyways, I realize that after 60 years of Rock'n'Roll, it's become a bit difficult to come up with a cool and original name, but it's not impossible. These kids today, they're either trying too hard, or not trying hard enough. I dunno - you be the judge.

Canada Water (huh?)
Abandon Kansas (first there was Kansas, then there was Bleeding Kansas...)
Zlam Dunk (Slam Dunk might not have been so bad, but that fucking Z!)
Worn In Red
Flood Of Red
The Bigger Lights (What does this mean?)
We Are The In Crowd
We Are The Union
Two Hours Traffic (ugh)
Litany For The Whale (the worst band name on this list)
Freelance Whales (a close second)
Exit_International (underscore essential)
DD/MM/YYYY (meh, maybe not that bad, but certainly a mouthful - "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome dee dee, em em, why why why why!")
Inhale/Exhale
How Dare You (choose such a weak sauce name)
Nightmares For A Week
Those Who Lie Beneath
Cymbals Eat Guitars (Snares Chew Pianos...Rototoms Regurgitate Double Bassoons)
Let's Get It (Get what? I don't get it.)
The Riot Before
The Joy Formidable (Can a band with "formidable" in their name actually ever succeed? Let's find out.)
A Silent Film
All The Day Holiday (???)
Sent By Ravens (Why? Sent for what purpose? What do these ravens want? Why can't these damn ravens do it themselves?)
The Phenomenal Handclap Band
Free Energy
1,2,3 (I maintain that 15,16,17 is as good a name)
The Wonder Years (naming your band after a movie or TV show is almost never a good idea)
Stray From The Path
Here We Go Magic
Breathe Electric
The Downtown Fiction (as opposed to The Uptown Non-Fiction, The Suburban Biography, and The Rural Self-Help Manual)
Stereo Skyline
Red Knife Lottery
A Loss For Words (Indeed, I am...)
Brian Bonz & The Dot Hongs (I assume this is a play on "Hot Dongs", but that still doesn't make this name any better in my mind)
Goonies Never Say Die (really? REALLY? REALLY??? )
The Color Turning
Miss May I
Averkiou

Hotcha! Hank

The Power Of Pussy!

Cats rule!

Hotcha! Hank

Disturbing And/Or Arousing?

I don't know whether to look away, or unbutton my pants...A more disturbing and/or arousing animated gif can be found here: http://i.imgur.com/ksll5.gif

Hotcha! Hank

Addendum

In case you didn't know the popularly accepted rankings of the funniest letters in the Roman alphabet...I don't necessarily agree with this list, but I won't argue about it either, except to say that I am surprised that G is #1. In who's world? I'm a P guy all the way...

01: G
02: K
03: P
04: Z
05: Q
06: J
07: W
08: M
09: F
10: B
11: S
12: O
13: X
14: V
15: H
16: L
17: U
18: T
19: Y
20: D
21: R
22: N
23: A
24: I
25: C
26: E

Hotcha! Hank

Look What The Cat Rolled In

Hotcha! Hank

Beefcake Equality!

Gotta balance things out a bit...A little Ali Larter ass, a little Nathan Fillion ass...

Hotcha! Hank

Do You Want Celebrity Ass, Or Do You Want The Truth?

This is a peek at Ali Larter's ass. Do you still wish you were a movie star?

"A richer understanding...Of what's already understood...No meanings from the here and now...What gift could be a work of art?...Can you call it the big foist?...I'm fucking overwhelmed!" -- Minutemen

Hotcha! Hank

Night Of The Living Bacon!

I was trying to think of something clever to write about bacon.

I thought about making fun of the internet's creepy and zombie-like obsession with bacon, but couldn't really come up with anything more astute or interesting than the idea that the vast majority of people on the internet are either too witless or too scared to have an original, non-zombie thought.

"BAAAAAACONNNNNN!!!!!"

Eventually, enough of the "right" internet pundits laud the glories of bacon, and pretty soon everybody is doing the same. You would think that bacon was some brilliant new discovery, the way we gush about it, but bacon has always been fucking delicious. Long before the internet and your low-carb diet, babycakes. I guess if there's a silver lining in all this, at least it can be said that the internet has actually embraced something worthwhile for a change. Unlike zombies or Nathan Fillion.

"FIIIILLLLLIONNNNNN!!!!!!"

I enjoy bacon. Not as much as butterscotch pudding, but my version of the BLT (butterscotch, lettuce and tomato) admittedly tastes like shit, so I won't bother going there...

I enjoy bacon, but cannot bring myself to creepily adore it. What I can do is create a BACON tag, and hope to drive some traffic towards this useless blog.

Now, would somebody please do everybody a favor, and write some fanfic regarding bacon and a zombified Nathan Fillion? Or a regular Nathan Fillion eating Zombie Bacon™?

That way, most of us win.

Hotcha! Hank

100 Artists 100 Albums

We can quibble about what constitutes "Rock'n'Roll" until this post is archived, but my long story made short is that this is a handy alphabetical list of 100 "essential" albums by 100 "essential" artists. Maybe it's a buying guide. Maybe it's Hot Poop Filler™. Either way, it comprises a pretty definitive Rock record collection while still satisfying a few of my own particular favorites like The Vapors, Joe Jackson, and Camper Van Beethoven. Some notable omissions might be Queen, Elton John, and Rush, but not all notable artists are capable of putting together truly great albums...

Anyways, without further ado, another exercise is _________.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

01: AC/DC: Let There Be Rock [1977]
02: Aerosmith: Rocks [1976]
03: The Arcade Fire: Funeral [2005]
04: The Beach Boys: Endless Summer [1974]
05: The Beatles: White Album [1968]
06: Beck: Odelay [1996]
07: Chuck Berry: The Great Twenty-Eight [1982]
08: Black Sabbath: Master Of Reality [1971]
09: Boston: Boston [1976]
10: David Bowie: Hunky Dory [1971]
11: Billy Bragg: Life's A Riot With Spy Vs Spy [1983]
12: Camper Van Beethoven: Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart [1988]
13: Can: Ege Bamyasi [1972]
14: Eric Clapton: 461 Ocean Boulevard [1974]
15: The Clash: London Calling [1979]
16: Elvis Costello & The Attractions: This Years Model [1978]
17: Creedence Clearwater Revival: Green River [1969]
18: Crosby, Stills & Nash: Crosby, Stills & Nash [1969]
19: The Cure: Disintegration [1989]
20: Dead Kennedys: Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables [1980]
21: Devo: Freedom Of Choice [1980]
22: The Doors: The Doors [1967]
23: Bob Dylan: Bringing It All Back Home [1965]
24: The Eagles: Hotel California [1976]
25: The Fall: This Nation's Saving Grace [1985]
26: The Flaming Lips: The Soft Bulletin [1999]
27: Fleetwood Mac: Rumours [1977]
28: Fucked Up: The Chemistry Of Common Life [2008]
29: Fugazi: Repeater [1990]
30: Grateful Dead: American Beauty [1970]
31: Guided By Voices: Bee Thousand [1994]
32: Guns N' Roses: Appetite For Destruction [1987]
33: Jimi Hendrix Experience: Electric Ladyland [1969]
34: Husker Du: Zen Arcade [1984]
35: Iron Maiden: Killers [1981]
36: Joe Jackson: Look Sharp! [1979]
37: The Jam: All Mod Cons [1978]
38: Jane's Addiction: Nothing Shocking [1988]
39: Joy Division: Unknown Pleasures [1979]
40: Judas Priest: Hell Bent For Leather [1979]
41: The Kinks: Are The Village Green Preservation Society [1968]
42: Kraftwerk: Trans-Europe Express [1977]
43: Led Zeppelin: Physical Graffiti [1975]
44: Lynyrd Skynyrd: Second Helping [1974]
45: Meat Puppets: Huevos [1987]
46: Metallica: Ride The Lightning [1984]
47: The Minutemen: Double Nickles On The Dime [1984]
48: Mission Of Burma: Vs [1982]
49: Joni Mitchell: Hejira [1975]
50: Van Morrison: Moondance [1970]
51: My Bloody Valentine: Loveless [1991]
52: Neu!: Neu! [1972]
53: New Order: Power, Corruption & Lies [1983]
54: New York Dolls: New York Dolls [1973]
55: Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral [1994]
56: Nirvana: In Utero [1993]
57: Ted Nugent: Double Live Gonzo! [1978]
58: Pavement: Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain [1994]
59: Pearl Jam: Ten [1991]
60: Pere Ubu: The Modern Dance [1978]
61: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers: Damn The Torpedos [1979]
62: Liz Phair: Exile In Guyville [1993]
63: Pink Floyd: Animals [1977]
64: Pixies: Doolittle [1989]
65: Elvis Presley: 30 #1 Hits [2002]
66: Pretenders: Pretenders [1980]
67: Radiohead: OK Computer [1997]
68: Rage Against The Machine: Rage Against The Machine [1992]
69: R.E.M.: Fables Of The Reconstruction [1985]
70: The Replacements: Tim [1985]
71: The Rolling Stones: Exile On Main St [1972]
72: The Sex Pistols: Never Mind The Bollocks [1977]
73: The Smashing Pumpkins: Siamese Dream [1993]
74: The Smiths: The Queen Is Dead [1986]
75: Sonic Youth: Sister [1987]
76: Spoon: Gimme Fiction [2005]
77: Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band: Born To Run [1975]
78: Steely Dan: Aja [1977]
79: The Stooges: Fun House [1970]
80: The Strokes: Is This It [2001]
81: Supertramp: Crime Of The Century [1974]
82: Talking Heads: The Name Of This Band Is... [1982]
83: Television: Marquee Moon [1977]
84: U2: War [1983]
85: Van Halen: Van Halen I [1977]
86: The Vapors: New Clear Days [1980]
87: Velvet Underground: Loaded [1970]
88: Violent Femmes: Violent Femmes [1983]
89: Tom Waits: Swordfishtrombones [1983]
90: The White Stripes: Elephant [2003]
91: The Who: Who's Next [1971]
92: Wilco: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot [2002]
93: X: Los Angeles [1980]
94: XTC: English Settlement [1982]
95: Yeah Yeah Yeahs: It's Blitz [2009]
96: Yes: The Yes Album [1971]
97: Neil Young: Tonight's The Night [1975]
98: Frank Zappa: Zappa In New York [1976]
99: Warren Zevon: Excitable Boy [1978]
00: ZZ Top: Tres Hombres [1973]

Hotcha! Hank