Thursday's Fortune: 29 November 2012

MEAL:  1 order (8) Crab Rangoon + 1 small order Pineapple Fried Rice = $7.75 + $1.25 tip

Hotcha!  Hank

Things I Liked Last Week 062710

01: JAWS FFFUUUU: I was never a big fan of the FFFUUUU internet meme that began, as these things usually do, over at 4Chan. It's not the meme itself that I don't like, but rather its execution by most internet morans. But I do like this particular piece, which captures the essence of FFFUUUU so succintly, so brilliantly...Yeah, yeah, this is probably old and you've probably seen it already, but...

02: This Perpetual Teen strip I did a while ago wherein Rageman auditions for vocalist (naturally) of Kieth's band, Peppermint Dildo. And then Jack Cactus makes the scene. Dinger Jockey! Classic.

03: This Week's Obligatory Cat and/or Squirrel Picture: Nuff said? Ayup.

04: Gus Van Sant: Gerry [2002]: I watched Gus Van Sant's Death Trilogy completely out of order. Gerry was the first made, so naturally I watched it last. I'm not sure if it matters what order in which Van Sant's three films should be watched, as they're all different kinds of the same thing, death. Elephant concerns murder. Last Days is about suicide. Gerry explores what I'm calling "organic death" - literally a body's organs shutting down (nevermind the ending, because Gerry was dead long before he died). I suppose you could call it a "natural death" because nature is the cause of death in this film. My point is, there may be a million ways to die, but I'm of the belief that these three kinds (organic, murder, suicide) are the only three, into which those million ways can be categorized. If I believed in God, I suppose his hand would be the fourth, and Van Sant would have to make one of those four-part trilogies.

Like the other two death films, Gerry tells it's story mostly through visuals, and here there are long stretches of relative silence, the sounds of the desert, with short bursts of dialogue between the two Gerrys (Matt Damon and Casey Affleck), who get seriously lost while hiking in the desert. But mostly this film is about the beauty and grandeur of nature, and the scenes here are awash in pastel skies stretched over a rugged and jagged terrain, equal parts adventure and danger. As the film progresses, the situation becomes much more serious for the two Gerrys, much more bleak, and here, in the third day of their undoing, the last reel, we see them slowly and painfully shuffling across white salt flats like they might be walking on the moon, or maybe heaven. Despite the pace of the film, I found myself riveted. Like Elephant and Last Days (and life itself) we know the inevitable end of Gerry, and that pulled me along quite effectively. Van Sant once again handles the subject of death with a sort of grace and an even hand, without really passing judgement on characters in any of these films. Death happens. And once again, his secret weapon in Gerry is certainly cinematographer Harris Savides, who's shots linger and shimmer like dreams. I like.

05: Bill Griffith: Zippy: "Four Frame Game" [2000]: Comic stripping and death come together, and Mr. Toad explains the meaning of bowling. If I haven't mentioned this before, Zippy is my favorite comic strip of all time. Hmm...One of these days, maybe I should rank 'em...



06: Kingsford Charcoal Fascination: I've been seeing this commercial around the television lately. That song is Rob Crow's (Pinback) interpretation of "(Keep Feeling) Fascination" by The Human League. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about this, but then I figured "fuck it" - I thought the '80's were a great decade, "Fascination" included.

Hotcha! Hank

Sideways Sadie Hawkins Maneuver

Not only have I never known a woman named Sadie, I have never been asked to attend a Sadie Hawkin's dance by any woman named Sadie or not...That's probably because we didn't do Sadie Hawkin's dances in our town. I was asked to Senior Prom by a girl named Cindy, but that's a different story for later, if ever...

Did you know the origins of Sadie Hawkin's Day and Sadie Hawkin's dances can be traced to this Lil Abner comic strip from November 13, 1937?

BOOM!

Hotcha! Hank

Things I Liked Last Week 050210

01: Owls. As much as I fear and loathe squirrels, I trust and adore owls. Owls let you know when bad shit is afoot in yr back yard in the middle of the night. Owls also hunt and eat varmints like mice and voles. Some of the bigger owls eat squirrels. I love those owls the most. Now that spring is here, I've been sleeping at night with the windows open, and it would seem there is an owl living in one of the back yards on my block. I like this.

02: Scorpions: "Robot Man" [mp3] There's a theory floating around out there called "option paralysis", the idea that as we are given more and more choices, the harder and harder it becomes for us to make a choice, and that when a person is ultimately faced with unlimited choices, s/he is unable to make a choice at all. Now, I have a very large music collection on my hard drives, and with every passing month or year, with every new album folder of mp3s ripped or downloaded, it becomes harder and harder for me to choose what to listen to. Sure, new releases and acquisitions get a fair hearing or three, but in general, I have a hard time deciding what to listen to on any given day, and so often I just hit RANDOM on my MediaMonkey Player, and resign myself to the software's choices, rather than deal with my own brand of option paralysis. Anyways, last Wednesday the Scorpions' In Trance crossed my path, the first time I've heard the album in years. As much as the Scorpions began to disappoint me in the 1980's, their early years, those first five or six albums fucking ruled, and this one might be the best of the bunch.

03: My Alfredo Sauce Recipe: In a large saucepan over medium-high heat, add 1/3 cup BUTTER, 5 cloves MINCED GARLIC, 5 MINCED SCALLIONS, 1/4 cup FLOUR, 1/3 cup MUSHROOMS. Sautee until scallions are translucent and soft and any flour lumps are melted away, adding 1/4 cup wine (optional) in the last minute or so. Then slowly whisk in 2 cups HEAVY CREAM and 1 cup WHOLE MILK, 1/2 tsp NUTMEG, 1/2 tsp BLACK PEPPER. Continue stirring until everything is warm and smooth, then begin stirring in 3/4 cup grated PARMESAN CHEESE, and 1/4 cup RAY ROMANO CHEESE. Keep stirring until it's 100% hot and luscious. Serve with FETTUCINI, or my preferred SPAGHETTI noodles. I also like using this sauce with pan-seared SCALLOPS, and lately I've been throwing the dish (pasta, sauce, scallops) under the broiler in the oven at the end to make it absolutely golden.

04: Modern Family: In it's first season, this ABC comedy has been hitting on all cylinders from the very start. It has a wonderful cast of great characters, but my favorite has to be Cam (played by Eric Stonestreet), the flamboyant half of the show's gay couple. In this clip, he's trying out for the rock band led by his partner's niece's boyfriend, and it illustrates some of the great, understated comedy that runs throughout the show.

05: This. Sometimes, when I'm trying to work on Kieth The Perpetual Teen™ and I get stuck, I like to take other people's comic strips and write my own dialogue or captions, like I did with this Far Side™ cartoon. It's juvenile, yes, but I think it works.


06: This Jim Jarmusch quote [click to enlarge]: I've long been in agreement with Shakespeare that there is "nothing new under the sun", a phrase he took directly from Ecclesiastes in the Bible. I'm also reminded of Pablo Picasso, who once said "good artists copy, great artists steal".

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 30

My 1 Favorite Episode From Each Of The Simpsons' First 20 Seasons

I consider The Simpsons the greatest television show of all time, and while it isn't as consistently brilliant as it was in earlier seasons ( 8 is my favorite), it is still reliably entertaining, and still capable of a good surprise from time to time, and at least 1 or 3 episodes every season that are destined to be classics. If you say The Simpsons sucks nowadays, I'd say you're just an ingrate.

These are not my 20 favorite episodes of The Simpsons of all time. If it were that list, half of them would probably be from Season 8. No, this is a list of my favorite episode from each of the first 20 seasons of the show. It's not ranked, but simply listed in reverse chronology, so this probably shouldn't be called a HANK RANKS, but whatever.

For the record, Homer Vs. The Eighteenth Amendment is my absolute. Favorite. Episode. Ever.

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20: No Loan Again, Naturally [#LABF03 - 08Mar09] Wherein Homer takes out another home equity loan to pay for his annual Mardi Gras party, after which the Simpsons lose their house. Ned Flanders buys and then rents it back to the Simpsons, who proceed to take advantage of Ned by making him constantly make repairs at all hours of the day and night, which finally leads Ned to evict the Simpsons once again. Lenny: "Homer, I always wonder - how can you afford this party year after year?" Homer: "Because, I have this magical thing called a 'home equity loan'. I borrow all the money I want, and the house gets stuck with the bill... Hehehehe...Sucker." Lenny: "Hm? I'm not sure that's how it works." Homer: "Fine, mister sceptical, give me back your beads."

19: The Debarted [#KABF06 - 02Mar08] Wherein Principal Skinner slips a mole (voiced by Topher Grace) into Springfield Elementary to befriend and spy on the "Bart Simpson Operation" to get five steps ahead of their pranks. Bart initially suspects Milhouse is the mole, before catching on to the real culprit. Meanwhile, Homer gets a sweet ass loaner car that he doesn't want to return. Bart: "Look new kid, I'm the head hamster in this habitrail, capiche?" New Kid: "Well, maybe there's a new guinea pig in your cage. Capiche that?" Bart: "Oh, I capiche, I capiche just fine." New Kid: "Well, you just keep on capiche-ing." Classmates (in unison): "Oooooooooh!"

18: 24 Minutes [#JABF14 - 20May07] Wherein Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney plan to detonate a stinkbomb at a Springfield Elementary bake sale, and it's up to the school's Counter-Truancy Unit (CTU) to stop their dastardly plan. Starring Bart as Jack Bauer, and Lisa as Chloe O'Brien in this homage to 24. Featuring the voices of Kiefer Sutherland and Mary Lynn Rajskub. Marge: "If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage!"

17: My Fair Laddy [#HABF05 - 26Feb06] Wherein Lisa is Henry Higgins to Groundskeeper Willie's Eliza Doolittle in The Simpsons' own warped version of My Fair Lady. Meanwhile, the company that makes Homer's blue pants no longer makes Homer's blue pants. Coach Krupt: "Today we're going to play a game that's as old as pain itself...BOMBARDMENT!" Millhouse: "I'm intrigued. What are the rules?" Coach Krupt: "Duck or die! BOMBARDMENT!!"

16: Sleeping With The Enemy [#FABF19 - 21Nov04] Wherein a disastrous party thrown for Bart leads Marge to believe she's been overmothering her children, so she turns her attentions to somebody else who might need some mothering - Nelson Muntz, who actually moves into the Simpsons' home, creating all sorts of weird dynamics and strange situations as a result. Meanwhile, Lisa has a big butt. Ralph: "Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck..." Bart: "Say 'goose' you stupid freak!" Ralph (running from room): "Waaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

15: Diatribe Of A Mad Housewife [#FABF05 - 25Jan04] Wherein Marge writes a romance novel with thinly veiled characters who's actions suggest that she is in love with Ned Flanders, an idea that gets the whole town gossiping. Will Homer read the book and get jealous, or will his new job as an ambulance driver take up all his time? I won't say, but I will say this episode guest stars Thomas Pynchon. Homer: "Marge! I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby." Marge: "Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel." Homer: "Ooh, I was so close."

14: How I Spent My Strummer Vacation [#DABF22 - 10Nov02] Wherein Homer (and plenty of secondary characters, as usual) goes to Mick Jagger's Rock'n'Roll Fantasy Camp, and we are served every lame Rock cliche, pun and bad joke imaginable, but there are a ton of special guests willing to make fun of themselves, so in the end it's fairly fucking epic. Homer: "Uh, Mr. Seltzer?" Brian Setzer: "It's 'Setzer'." Homer: "No, I think it's Seltzer."

13: Weekend At Burnsie's [#DABF11 - 07Apr02] Wherein Homer gets into a beef with some crows, ends up on medicial marijuana, and the remainder of the episode is, well, Homer on dope. And the stoners rejoiced! Not even an appearance by Phish could ruin gold like this. Homer: "For me, the '60's ended that day in 1978."

12: Worst Episode Ever [#CABF08 - 04Feb01] Wherein Comic Book Guy has a heart attack, which leads to Bart and Milhouse "babysitting" the Android's Dungeon until Comic Book Guy can return. While he recovers, Comic Book Guy dates Agnes Skinner, and Bart and Milhouse find his secret stash of bootleg videos, many featuring popular townsfolks in embarrassing situations. Comic Book Guy: "Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness? [looks it up in a little book] Ah, yes - Gar-dacchk!"

11: Behind The Laughter [#BABF19 - 21May00] Wherein a VH1-styled expose show called Behind The Laughter takes a raw and candid look behind the scenes of America's favorite family, The Simpsons. 10000% meta. Marge: "Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine." Homer: "Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV."

10: Lard Of The Dance [#5F20 - 23Aug98] Wherein Homer (and Bart) get into the grease recycling business. Meanwhile, Lisa is chosen to introduce a new student at Springfield Elementary, and this new girl, Alex (Lisa Kudrow), quickly becomes the most popular girl in school, much to Lisa's chagrin. In the end, a massive grease explosion during a school dance makes everything right again in Lisa's world. Ralph [catching a flake of grease on his tongue]: "This snowflake tastes like fish sticks!"

09: The Cartridge Family [#5F01 - 02Nov97] Wherein Homer gets a gun, and kablammo! Ya get one of the darker episodes in Simpsons history. Lenny: "Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel, and the electric eel."

08: Homer Vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [#4F15 - 16Mar97] Wherein the frontpage of the Springfield Shopper screams ALCOHOL PROHIBITED IN SPRINGFIELD and Homer becomes "The Beer Baron". Homer: "To alcohol - the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems."

07: 22 Short Films About Springfield [#3F18 - 14Apr96] Wherein a bored Bart and Millhouse wonder if anything exciting actually ever happens in Springfield, and a subsequent series of vignettes involving a number of secondary characters answers that question in the affirmative. Mr. Burns: "Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers! Fear not, I'll get you to a hospital - the only way I know how. Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!"

06: Lemon Of Troy [#2F22 - 14May95] Wherein some ne'er-do-wells from Shelbyville steal Springfield's lemon tree, and Bart leads a group of friends on a recon mission into the rival town to bring it back home. Radical. Bart: "That lemon tree's a part of our town, and as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their rivers with our dead!"

05: Homer & Apu [#1F10 - 10Feb94] Wherein Homer gets food poisoning from some expired ham (and later a 10 pound bucket of shrimp) at the Kwik-E-Mart, goes undercover for Kent Brockman's Bite Back show, which gets Apu fired, who is then replaced by actor James Woods, who is preparing for a role as a convenience store clerk. Meanwhile, Apu lives with the Simpsons, a song is sung, and Homer finally gets Apu his job back. Apu: "I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service." Homer: "You're...selling what now?" Apu: "I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment." Homer: "You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos." [slams the door] Apu: "He's got me there."

04: A Streetcar Named Marge [#8F18 - 01Oct92] Wherein Marge plays Blanche DuBois in a local production of A Streetcar Named Desire, Homer feels neglected and gets annoyed, and Maggie goes to Ayn Rand School For Tots in the meantime. Lionel Hutz: "Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!"

03: When Flanders Failed [#7F23 - 3Oct91] Wherein southpaw Ned Flanders quits his job and opens The Leftorium at the Springfield Mall, which fails spectacularly before Mr. Burns saves the day. As a lefty myself, I wholeheartedly echo Mr. Burn's "huzzah!" for good ol' Ned. Mr. Burns [to a tin can]: "Ah, the worm has turned, has it not my tin-plated friend? Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!"

02: Treehouse Of Horror (The Simpsons Halloween Special) [#7F04 - 25Oct90] The very first Treehouse Of Horror, wherein Bart and Lisa actually do tell each other scary stories in Bart's treehouse, stories about the Simpsons' night in a haunted house, the Simpsons' abduction by Kang and Kodos, and the truly classic telling of Poe's "The Raven" starring Homer. Lisa [reading crumpled message thrown through vortex from another dimension]: "Quit throwing garbage in our dimension!"

01: Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire (The Simpsons Christmas Special) [#7G08 - 17Dec89] The very first full episode of The Simpsons, wherein Bart gets a tattoo, Homer doesn't get his Christmas bonus, and a 99-to-1 longshot named Santa's Little Helper joins the family and really is the miracle that saves the Simpsons' christmas in the end. Bart: "Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!" Homer: "Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?"

Hotcha! Hank

100% Filler!

Hotcha! Hank

On The Sixth Day Of Christmas

I give to thee...SIX NEW BEARDS!!!!!!


Directly from Doug Fudge's mind to yr face...All at a reasonable price...

Hotcha! Hank

ALL CAPS SIDEWAYS VILLAINY

MF DOOM + MADLIB = MADVILLAIN

HOTCHA! HANK

HANK RANKS No. 19

My 19 Dream Dinner Parties

You know the scenario - If you could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, who would you choose?

This has long been one of my favorite little daydreaming activities, just sitting around with soft music in the background, thinking about interesting combinations of personalities and the kinds of conversations that might arise...And also being able to ask questions of historical figures, to sift the myth from fact...For this reason, alot of my favorite combinations are dead people, but I sometimes wonder if Beethoven would be any more enlightening or fun than Philip Glass.

So, anyways, I've written down dozens of these combinations of Dream Dinner Guests over the years, littering the margins and open spaces of countless notebooks and index cards...Here are my favorite nineteen cuz I'm self-indulgent like that...Here comes some blather on a lazy afternoon...Just remember, as always, this information is not knowledge...

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19: John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby...Uncomfortable! For the meal, I'd serve a variety of "Five Dollar Footlongs" from Subway, assorted bags of Frito-Lay chips, and whatever Coca-Cola brand soft drink flavors they've got on the self-serve machine...

18: Lewis Carroll, Theodor Seuss Geisel, Fred Rogers...This dream dinner best represents my childhood, I suppose...Now, if I could have a dream dinner with fictional characters from my childhood, I'd probably choose Grover from Sesame Street, Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown (or maybe even Sherlock Holmes), and Paul Bunyan (or maybe Bigfoot)...Anyways, for the meal, I'd serve grilled cheese sandwiches, tater-tots with tartar sauce for dipping, cottage cheese, celery with peanut butter, and ice cold 2% milk...For dessert, warm oatmeal raisin cookies and more milk...Marjory The Trash Heap???

17: King George III, Marie Antoinette, Thomas Jefferson...Three prominent figures from the late 1700's, and the revolutions in America and France...For the meal, Chinese take-out from China Wok, where I get those messed-up fortunes every Tuesday at lunch...

16: Abraham Lincoln, Audrey Hepburn, Richard Pryor...I think this dream dinner is pretty self-explanatory...LOL...For the meal, I'd serve soft-shell steak tacos, heavy on the guacamole and onions...Pitchers of Horchata, and soft snickerdoodles for dessert...

15: Meg White, Rosario Dawson, Monica Bellucci...What can I say? This dinner party is all about the company of three luxurious, voluptuous ladies...For the meal, Oysters Rockefeller, caviar, steamed artichoke hearts, Pernod, Absinthe and Champagne, strawberries and chocolate sauce, butterscotch pudding...

14: "The Leatherman", Tom Waits, "Johnny Appleseed" Chapman...The Leatherman was a famous vagabond who travelled western Connecticut and the length of the Hudson River in New York in the latter half of the 19th century...He was that rare famous hobo, famous because he wore nothing but handmade leather garments from head-to-toe = shoes, pants, shirt, suit coat, top hat...All dirty, stinky leather...Rather than re-tell his fascinating story here, I'll direct you towards a handy Wiki link...Johnny Appleseed was another traveller, though he had a more defined purpose for wandering around...Tom Waits is simply cool, and he gets around, you know? For the meal I'd serve tins of sardines, fancy crackers, loaves of thick-sliced bread to sop up the sardine oil, a five pound block of cheese, a large quantity of hot apple pies, Thermoses™ of hot, black coffee, flasks of Korbel brandy, and one pint of beer for each of us. For dessert, more hot apple pie, a la mode...And a bushel of apples for each of us to take with us afterwards...

13: E.E. Cummings, William Carlos Williams, Frank O'Hara...I've got 11,640 pages of half-baked metaphors and dull images from my 20's sitting in boxes in my closet that my two cats take turns protecting...At 32 I burned myself out on a few meager accolades and 12 credits of Poetry labs on my transcript ...Nowadays I contemplate burning some of those volumes while I try to figure out how to hot poop...These are my three favorite American poets of the 20th century, tokens of the years before my own millenial crash...For the meal I'd serve all-beef hot dogs with ketchup, Peppadew mustard and diced onions, a huge pot of baked beans, salt & vinegar potato chips, and 4 gallons of creamy root beer...For dessert, Bananas Foster...

12: Piet Mondrian...Max Ernst...Bill Griffith...This dinner party would satisfy the comic-stripping, MUCKO-ing artsy-farter in me...Mondrian was part of the De Stijl movement in the first half of the 20th century, and his colorful geometric paintings wholly satisfy my right-brained tendencies...Ernst was a German Dada/Surrealism artist in many different mediums...Griffith is the creator of the Zippy The Pinhead comic strip, my favorite strip of all-time, and loaded with tons of absurdity (and stellar art)...For the meal, I'd serve porcupine meatballs, mashed potatoes and sweet peas, ice cold milk, and for dessert, hot apple pie leftover from a previous dream dinner...

11: Woody Allen...Terry Gilliam...Joel & Ethan Coen...After music, movies are the biggest passion in my life. I watch tons of films, and I take alot of notes cuz I've got Final Draft on my computer and farfetched dreams of screenplay glory in my head. If I had to choose my three favorite filmmakers, it would have to be these four because the Coens come as a pair, natch...What I like best about all of these guys is that they write most of their own scripts, which is what kept Scorsese from making this table...For the meal, I'd put a pitcher of ice water and an enormous bowl of Cobb Salad in the middle of the table and just let everybody have at it...

10: Amelia Earhart, Joni Mitchell, Emily Dickinson...This is a strange one...A WTF? kinda dinner party....But I'd really like to find out what happened to Ms. Earhart...And Joni Mitchell because she wrote a beautiful song called "Amelia" , and simpy because she's Joni, you know?...I am fairly ambivalent about Emily Dickinson's poetry, but I always understood the reclusive life she led...For the meal I'd serve ham & cheese omelets and potato pancakes, warm buttermilk...For dessert, coffee and cigarettes.

09: Hunter S Thompson, William S Burroughs, Ulysses S Grant...My best guess is that we'd talk about guns, and probably shoot off a few rounds...Maybe go hunting for our meal before actually sitting down to eat...Grilled rabbit, squirrel, pheasant, wild turkey...Maybe some venison...Mashed potatoes and sweet corn...Heavy mugs of dark lagers, possibly some port wine...Scotch and cigars and LSD for dessert...

08: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill...The Yalta Conference revisited, around my kitchen table...Nuff said...For the meal, I'd serve cheeseburgers, onion rings and milkshakes of many flavors...For dessert, a very large platter of assorted Hostess products = Twinkies, Ding Dongs, HoHo's, Snowballs, Chocodiles, Suzy Q's, Pudding Pies...

07: d. Boon, Jimi Hendrix, Sonny Sharrock...My three favorite dead guitar players...Kurt Cobain was a close fourth, and then there's Eddie Van Halen and Jeff Beck still among the living...I figured this dinner party would be a good chance to get some guitar lessons...For the meal, fucking corndogs on sticks (Minutemen fans will get the reference) and a vat of ketchup to dip 'em in, plenty of tater-tots, and a fridge full of bottled pure-cane sugar Coca-Cola that you can only get at the Mexican grocery store and/or during Passover...

06: Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, John Dos Passos...Paris after the the first World War...The feast moves to my dining room, if only for a night...Racks of roasted lamb with carmelized shallot and thyme crust, a sizzling casserole dish of Gruyere Potato Gratin, a big bowl of steamed cauliflower, and bottles of fresh Beaujolais Nouveau...Crème brûlée and dark roast coffee for dessert...

05: Jesus Christ, Siddhartha Gautama, Lao Tse...I was raised and confirmed Catholic, before lapsing into Buddhism for awhile and finally falling into Taoism...For the meal I'd serve a good old-fashioned Wisconsin Friday night, all-you-can-eat fish fry = An endless serving of delicate pieces of deep-fried perch filets and piles of golden french fries...Tubs of creamy coleslaw and bowls of tartar sauce, tall stacks of buttered rye bread, and a never-empty pitcher of Spotted Cow Farmhouse Ale...

04: William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, King Henry VIII...The "Bard Of Avon" and two of his most famous and interesting subjects...A chance compare stories, so to speak...For this dream dinner I always imagine a spacious hall of feast befitting kings...Perhaps a small troupe of actors would perform the two relevant plays for us...Perhaps the four of us would simply do a table read...For the meal, a fat pig, roasted on a slowly-turning spit, roasted turkey, duck, and chicken, racks of lamb, grilled venison tenderloin, baked potatoes, carrots and turnips and onions...Mead and milk and heavy lagers...For dessert, prostitutes...

03: Philip K Dick, Brian Eno, Winona Ryder...PKD is perhaps my favorite writer, if I had to choose one...Eno is one of my favorite producers and the name of one of my cats, and I believe he would have some interesting things to discuss with PKD, able to bridge that gap into the esoteric and metaphysical sci-fi...And Ms. Ryder? I think we all ought to be surprised she isn't on the #1 guest list...For the meal, I'd set about 50 kinds of cereal on the counter in my kitchen, and gallons of ice cold whole milk on the table...

02: Frank Zappa, Groucho Marx, Salvadore Dali...Three smart and funny men in the vanguard of their respective fields, all sporting distinctive facial hair configurations...Strange, dry, trim and sarcastic...For the meal, I'd serve fried leftover spaghetti, baked garlic bread soaked in butter, bottle after bottle of robust red wine, and amaretto cheesecake and espresso for dessert...

01: Ben Franklin, Mark Twain, Bob Dylan...What can I say, when I think of America, I think of these three men probably more than any others...Ben Franklin, the witty and ribald statesman, inventor and storyteller of the 18th century, Mark Twain the wittier and more sardonic storyteller and world traveller of the 19th century, and Bob Dylan, folk poet and singer of American myths in the 20th century...Man, I gotta believe this dinner would be wild and drunk and loud...And between Twain and Franklin and me, I bet we could get Dylan to smoke a pipe...For the meal, I'd serve roasted Cornish game hens with wild rice stuffing, steamed asparagus, sweet iced tea, and bread pudding for dessert...

Hotcha! Hank

Status Report

Well, babycakes - I've got my new PC, and it's a shiny beast that's quicker than hell, and for the most part I'm excited and satisfied...It hasn't been a flawless affair, however - I've got issues with my Frontpage software, and the fact that it apparently can't be loaded into a machine that isn't running MS Office. I'm running MS Works.

Oddly enough, while I wasn't able to install Frontpage 2003, I WAS able to install Frontpage 2000, which is a noticeably more primitive version of a software program that is already as Last Century as possible.

The question now is - what happens when I upload pages created in FP2000 to a site that is currently sitting on the server that was created with FP2003. Considering this is MS software, I'm assuming serious conflicts and issues will arise.

But first, I gotta be able to connect to my server host via Filezilla, and that ain't happening for whatever reason.

So, in the meantime, here's a semi-recent KIETH THE PERPETUAL TEEN strip that doesn't feature Kieth, but rather, Kieth's cats, Depardeau and Tuffy The Kibble Slayer...Ayup...

Hopefully EVERYTHINGATHON! will be running normally by the end of the week, as well as this HOT POOP blog...Until then...



Hotcha! Hank

A Thoroughly Modern Zombie

Hotcha! Hank

All Aboard The Beardwagon!!!!!

THE BEARD IS BACK!

Apparently.

The current issue of Time Magazine contains a story [link] about the renewed popularity of the beard in America.

Whether it is the scruff worn by assorted characters on LOST (which is a function of being on a deserted island moreso than a choice), the short-lived "strike beards" adorning the faces of David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, or the manly beards worn by various members of the New England Patriots (a function of superstition and cold fucking weather), this story's premise is that manly facial hair has made a comeback in our country.

Of course, being the iconoclast that I am, an iconoclast who has worn either a goattee or full-on beard since the age of 15 (1981 for those of you keeping tabs), I call "bullshit" on this entire trend, if only because most of these folks who have adopted facial hair are only doing so because they got a whiff of that same trend in the air, and want to be a meaningless part of it all.

Letterman and O'Brien both shaved theirs off within a week of returning to the airwaves, thus proving that neither truly had solidarity with the WGA, nor the cajones to keep the beard for merely aesthetic reasons, despite the fact that both talkshow hosts looked rather handsome in their bearded splendor.

If you pick up any indie music magazine, such as Alternative Press, you will see that the full-on beard has become as ubiquitous as those annoying fucking haircuts where the bangs hang prominently over half the face among the Emo/Metalcore set.



Listen, I don't know if I have a relevant point to this particular rant of mine, except to be self-serving (ouch, I think I broke my arm patting myself on the back)...Like I said, I've been wearing facial hair for 25+ years now, and it bothers me to see it become fashionable, rather than just "cool" all the time. So let me say this here - beards, or any sort of facial hair, is cool, all the time, until the end of time.

I had a chemistry teacher in high school, and we used to make fun of his fashion sense, to which he replied, "Fashion trends cycle through every 10-15 years, so I figure at least once per decade I'm back in style."

This is how I feel about facial hair. The '60's counterculture adopted the beard, only to trim it back to the moustache through much of the 1970's. The 1980's were all about the clean-shaven look (except for a brief stubbly moment thanks to MIAMI VICE), until Grunge made the goattee the hirsute choice of douchebags everywhere, many of them the member of a fraternity. And now, here we are, apparently celebrating the beard.

Personally, I think anyone (that includes you, ladies) capable of growing facial hair has a DUTY of doing so. Clean-shaven faces are for pre-pubescent boys and supermodels.

Those of you who know me, know my feelings about all of this already. My love of facial hair is probably best expressed through Doug Fudge, P.I., one of the characters from my comic strip who happens to make and sell all manner of outrageous beards and moustaches for the discerning person who wants to be incognito...

This current "trend", if it really is one, will be dead by summer...No, it will be dead by April. People are fucking cattle, for the most part, and as soon as this hype wears down, most will return to being cleanshaven bores afraid to cut against the grain, so to speak. To them, I say "good riddance" because they're just not cool enough to rock out with their beard out to begin with.

Oh, and my own theory as to why the beard has become popular as of late? I believe we're trying to identify with the "enemy", which right now is fundamentalist Muslims. Yeah, chew on THAT for awhile!

Hotcha! Hank

On The 12th Day Of Christmas...

I give to thee...TWELVE EUPHEMISMS courtesy of everyone's favorite cranky plant, JACK CACTUS...


Hotcha! Hank

On The 5th Day Of Christmas...

I give to thee...FIVE NEW BEARDS!!!!!


Hotcha! Hank

Random Stripping Event: 5July2007

Individual KIETH THE PERPETUAL TEEN strips are barely funny when taken within the context of an entire story arc, and they're almost never funny when considered on their own.


Such is the case with this particular strip, which is taken from a self-contained KTPT story tentatively entitled Sheriff Omar & The Pile Of Dead Disc Jockeys...

Pretty colors.


Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday Hot Poop Filler

This is DJ Svelte Teddy, possibly better known to you as President Theodore Roosevelt. He's one of the ridiculously stupid DJ characters I whipped up for a KIETH THE PERPETUAL TEEN "episode" tentatively entitled Sheriff Omar & The Pile Of Dead Disc Jockeys.

Basically, someone is killing all the DJs of ???

You know, I've been drawing KTPT on and off for 22 years, and I still don't know where the comic strip takes place. Hmmmm...

Anyways, a whole bunch of famously imaginary DJs get killed, and of course, Kieth is immediately made the prime suspect. Alot of dumb things are said by all your favorite KTPT characters, several beards are worn as disguises, drugs are consumed - all the usual stuff.

So, yeah, this is DJ Svelte Teddy. Hot Poop filler for this Tuesday in June.

Hotcha! Hank

Bonus Stripping Event

I was 10 strips into a Kieth The Perpetual Teen story about the Mooninite Terror in Boston when I lost steam and a way out of the story. This is the first strip in the series so far...

And here's probably the funniest one of the bunch, if only because it's the least silly and stupid, which is actually ANTI-Kieth The Perpetual Teen...It's #4 in the series...

And finally, let's jump to the tenth and final strip in series...If it feels like the end, it is because I copped out early...I've got an idea about extending the story another 5-10 strips, but The Day The Mooninites Nearly Destroyed Beantown is already a faded memory, only 3 weeks later...

Hotcha! Hank

A Pointless Rant About Alternative Press

A nice perk I get from working at a media software company, is free subscriptions to various music and film magazines. Actually, the perk is due to being friends with Steve F., the Artist Relations dude in our marketing department, who is kindly cool enough to get me on these subscription lists even though I work in operations...Lowly operations...Minding the inventory and wrangling tape guns.

Anyways, one of the magazines I get for free is Alternative Press.

Once upon a time, Alt Press was a pretty good magazine - good enough, anyways, that I subscribed for many years. But at some point in the mid-1990's Jason Pettigrew seemingly became responsible for about 75% of the magazine's content, which is fine for a fucking blog like this one, or that one, but doesn't work so well for a music publication that had gone glossy and fairly mainstream. I didn't agree with Jason Pettigrew's taste in music, or the direction of the magazine in general, so I stopped subscribing.

Then, about three years ago, Steve F. got me on their subscription list again, and every month since I've found a new copy of Alt Press in my mailbox, and man, it's fairly amazing to me to see just how far the scales have tipped in the intervening years.

Nowadays, I consider Alt Press a comedy magazine. It's funnier than Mad, Cracked, Radar, etc., and on a par with The Source (a hip hop mag) for making me laugh and shake my head in wonderment and disbelief. What's difficult to discern is whether it is the magazine itself that makes me laugh, or the bands it covers. Is it all the ridiculous full-page ads for all manner of fashions emblazoned with flaming skulls, or is it the long, sweeping bangs hanging in the faces of 46% of the musicians in the pictures? Is it the overloaded content that renders short, superficial reviews, or the illegible band logos on every other page? Maybe in my middle age I'm just able to recognize homogenous music scenes when I see 'em and hear 'em, or maybe Alternative Press is more and more a part of the non-alternative machine. Once upon a time, some folks considered 'em tastemakers, but nowadays they cram so much content into every issue that they're bound to get it "right" once in awhile. And more and more, the bands they truly champion have big contracts and tours sponsored by Honda.

Jason Pettigrew is still with 'em, which I respect and admire, and nowadays he's Editor-In-Chief, so he probably wields as much power as he ever has, but at least these days they've got 4 dozen contributing writers, if I've counted correctly. A magazine need that kind of muscle when they're telling us about the 100 Bands We Need To Know in '07. It's still not tastemaking. It's more like throwing as much against the whiteboard as possible, and seeing what sticks. What sticks with the chicks.

As much as anything else, Alt Press appears to shape their content around the tastes of their readership, which seems to be comprised of about 85% teenaged girls, if the magazine's letters section and online forums are any indication. Perhaps this is just good business sense, giving those girls what they want, especially in this post-internet world, but I believe it makes for poor content and a skewed editorial perspective. But again, I'm old enough to be these girls' dad, so maybe it's not fair for me to find fault.

To my thinking, magazines like Alt Press should be influencing their readers, and not the other way around. People who write and edit for culture magazines (especially one called Alternative Press, and really isn't that bit of semantics what this rant of mine is really all about?), should have a better grasp on culture than the average citizen. Yes, they should recognize trends when they naturally occur, but really, they should be working to uncover great bands and local scenes, and then spreading that gospel, and doing it with a bit of heart and true belief. Instead, Alt Press fills it's magazine with glossy photos of bands like Fallout Boy and AFI, and full-paged ads for the likes of interpunk.com and Draven Shoes. I'm not exactly sure what's "alternative" about most of the bands they cover, or the cookie cutter fashions being pitched, but there ya go...So-called "alternative culture" as defined by 17 year olds named Amber and Cody and co-opted by Verizon. Or maybe it's the other way around...I'm not sure.

I'm certainly not Alt Press' main demographic, but then again, I'm still quicker to embrace truly alternative music and culture than 1000 Ambers, and damn if I don't have more disposable income than a typical Cody. My point, again, is that Alt Press seemingly has things backwards, and rather than exposing these kids to the truly alternative, they're seemingly only regurgitating what these kids have already embraced en masse...Add to the fact that they have a palpable disdain for history before about 1980, and take potshots at Pitchforkmedia.com at least half a dozen times per issue (hey, at least Alt Press recognized their enemy), and it becomes obvious, to me anyways, that Alternative Press is more concerned about their bottom line than actually being arbiters of interesting music and vanguards of culture.

So, I'm not sure where this rant is supposed to go. And let's face it - it's was a cookie cutter rant from the start . (Did I namecheck Hot Topic yet? I have now. Check!) To sum up - bad music magazine not living up to it's name, covering popular music that all kinda sounds the same for a bunch of young people who all dress alike.

As I've said so many times before, I'm a nice guy, but maybe I really am anti-social.

Stay tuned for my list of really crappy and lame band names, culled directly from the latest issue of Alternative Press. Sometimes you really can judge a book by it's cover.

Hotcha!
Hank

Fudgie's Beard Index 2-B

Fudgie's Beard Index 1-A

Hotcha! Hank