Something 4 The Weekend # 235

Bob Dylan: Bob Dylan: "Highway 51 Blues" [mp3]

Highway 51 runs about half a block from my front door. I may never have travelled it all the way down to no man's land, but I've certainly gotten as far as northern Illinois, a mostly bleak, flat place that I've never really cared for, especially Rockford, which may very well be hell on earth, but for entirely mundane reasons. Actually, it's the mundaneness of Rockford that makes it the hellscape that it is.

But I digress. Of course I digress.

A decade ago I had a fling with a woman who actually lived on Highway 51, up past Token Creek Park. I wouldn't say she was my baby, but she was a good time for a short while, and I suppose I was a good time for her, for awhile, and then we weren't. I still drive past her house on occasion, and I imagine her smile, her laugh, and her tits. She also made pretty good grilled cheese sandwiches.

Tonight I went and had a couple of stiff drinks with a couple of friends at The Lazy Oaf, a bar (well, lounge) on Highway 51 about two blocks from here. I think it was the bald dude with the white goattee who played "House Of The Rising Sun", also from Dylan's first album, on the jukebox. And I sat there for a moment wondering if choosing this song "Highway 51 Blues" would have been a better choice, or merely cheesy and obvious. Then I went out into the cold night and smoked a cigarette, staring at Highway 51, covered in brown slush with a dusting of grey snow. Roads often have their stories, even mythologies, but they're still just roads in the end.

I always loved this song.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 230

Robyn Hitchcock: A Star For Bram: "Judas Sings (Jesus & Me)" [mp3]

Considering the mentions of a phone and dope, we must assume this song isn't Judas Iscariot singing to Caiaphas, the Jewish high priest who (allegedly) organized a plot to kill Jesus Christ, or Pontius Pilate, Roman governor of Judaea, who judged and sentenced Jesus to crucifixion, or even Emperor Tiberius himself, although the lyrics certainly fit otherwise.

Robyn Hitchcock is a smart and clever fellow, so I assume this song is some sort of allegory, religion as co-dependence and twisted love, breaking down your partner verbally, convincing your partner that nobody else in this whole world loves them except you and Jesus. You say that to someone often enough, and they very well may believe it. Or it could simply be about a dope dealer named Judas, who knows? I'd bet anything there was plenty of hashish and opium in Judaea, circa year zero.

So anyways, Jesus died for your sins. My sins. Everybody's sins. That's a pretty fucking heavy load of guilt and co-dependence right there, isn't it? Of course, some of our fundamentalist family members and friends might say God never gives us more than we can bear, which is a nice way of saying that no matter how much pain and suffering may be heaped upon us, we must always remember that it can always get worse. But we can handle it, right? We can handle the pain and despair, or the loneliness and heartbreak, we can handle Aunt Carol's constant put-downs and Grandpa's tendency to say racist things loudly in public, and we can even handle the cancers and the diabetes and the hypertension. We can handle it all right up to the very end because God loves us enough to never overburden us. Ever.

Man, this song is depressing. Religion is depressing. I guess I'm depressing, although I wouldn't say that I'm depressed. Maybe weary, not even sad.

[Insert sound of weariness here]

I wish all of you a pleasant and satisfying holiday season. May we get the handheld device of our dreams, may our fantasy football team win our matchups this weekend, and may we all enjoy this long weekend among people we like and even love, with no strings attached. Forgiveness and unconditional love. I think that's what this is all supposed to be about.

Don't be a Judas, an assassin of hearts.

Keep resting in peace, mom.

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 13 December 2011

MEAL: 1 Roast Pork Egg Roll + 1 order Fried Crispy Bean Curds + 1 small order Beef With Oyster Sauce = $10.74 + $1.26 tip

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 15 November 2011

MEAL: 1 Roast Pork Egg Roll + 1 small order Garlic Chicken = $5.75 + $1.25 tip

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 221

Peaking Lights: 936: "All The Sun That Shines" [mp3]

This morning at work, a gust of wind set off several car alarms in the parking lot.

Later, at lunch, a coworker talked about his fascination and slight experience with S&M. I briefly thought about being pegged by our waitress, a tall, busty brunette with a slight gap in her front teeth, but found myself mostly annoyed by the fact that there was entirely too much teriyaki sauce on my Hawaiian Chicken sandwich. The bottom half of my bun had quickly turned into a soggy, unmanageable mess.

At 3:14 in the afternoon I received an email from our VP of Sales announcing an unusually large order of 9000 pieces of MSPSHD11000EP. Checking inventory, I saw that we only had 2000 finished pieces in stock, and only another 3000 boxes to build more. I quickly shot off my own email to our printer, requesting a price quote for 8000 boxes, and got to work writing purchase orders for two stickers that are also part of the assembly, and the assembly job order itself.

At 4:17 I got a second email from the VP of Sales telling me to immediately cease all operational activities related to this unusually large order until further notice. I went to the kitchen and bought a Butterfinger from the vending machine. On the message board is a flyer informing us that one of our coworkers is giving away a pair of adult cats to a good home. They are 8 year old siblings that must stay together. Eventually I'd like to get a kitten to replace Eno. Two 8 year olds are 1 cat and 7.5 years too many for me, unfortunately. I washed down the Butterfinger with a cup of coffee. The coffee is somewhat horrible.

I returned to my desk and ran a historical usage report for MSPSHD11000EP to reassure myself that this order for 9000 pieces was indeed unusually large. I thought about our waitress at lunch, and realized she kinda looked like Kat Dennings, who is currently #4 on my Laminated List this year, and playing a waitress on a CBS sitcom, 2 Broke Girls.

This song by Peaking Lights was playing on my computer, wherein there is about 15 gigabytes of MP3s that I play at random all day, every day, through my Mediamonkey player. The next song was "Im Partial To Your Abacadabra" by Ian Dury & The Blockheads.

I shut it down and drove home.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 218

Laurie Anderson: Homeland: "Another Day In America" [mp3]

We all know what this Sunday is all about, right?

I'm not a fan of nationalism, so my thoughts and feelings about the events of 9-11-01, and our rememberance of the day on this 10th anniversary, are not very deep or involved. Which means this Sunday I'll be drinking Kentucky bourbon, smoking SW Sconnie weed, watching football, monitoring my fantasy teams, and perhaps doing things like absent-mindedly drawing comic strip stuff, or finally getting around to reading Portnoy's Complaint. At some point I'll probably order a 16" Pestoral from Roman Candle Pizza, and if my fantasy teams do well, and if I actually start reading Portnoy's Complaint, I might masturbate sometime in the evening.

My biggest hope for Sunday is that I hear bits of Lee Greenwood's "Proud To Be An American" no more than three times that day. My plan is to mute the TV and crank Fucked Up, or some such loud and rollicking music combo of that sort.

So yeah, this is another solipsistic blog entry, making a national tragedy all about me...

But what would you have me write? That I'm not a fan of nationalism? That I believe our current financial problems can be partially tied to the events of 9-11? That I'm not a 9-11 truther but I still don't understand how the damage at the Pentagon was done by a passenger jet airliner and not a missile? That we retaliated in the wrong country for reasons other than retaliation?

You don't want or need my opinions about nationalism, fundamentalism, war, death, the Bush Administration, the Obama Administration, or the politics of oil. Of course, you didn't want or need to know I'm probably going to pleasure myself Sunday evening, but here we are.

Information is not knowledge, babycakes.

I suppose the blog post I should have written here and now would have posited the thought that when I think about New York City, I think of maybe eight people - Woody Allen, Lou Reed, Laurie Anderson, Gregory Corso, and the Talking Heads.

And then I could have gone on to write about how Anderson's song "O Superman" appeared to be a bit prescient in light of the events of 9-11, and somehow brought it around to this particular song you're hopefully listening to right now.

But I didn't do that, did I?

See, I've been hesitant to read Portnoy's Complaint because I think I'm too old to really truly enjoy it. It's like The Basketball Diaries, or Catcher In The Rye, which were scriptures to me when I was 17, but not so much with subsequent readings. From what I know of Roth's book, I fear the same might be true - that it's a book I probably should have read when I was 28. I guess I'll find out.

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 33

24 Unused Song Titles From An Old Notebook

I used to be a musician. A songwriter with a small home studio. Well, I still am, but not with the same kind of fervor that I used to employ.

So I found a notebook from the spring of 2001. A spiral bound thing full of notes and ideas, poems and fragments of bigger ambitions, abstract doodles and a list of possible song titles, because like I said, I'm a songwriter. None of these titles have ever been used, so feel free, I guess. Most were intended for instrumental tracks, but I suppose I could have written lyrics for something called "Korn Tab" if I had just wanted to try.

HMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHMHM

24: 10-10-321
23: Korn Tab
22: Demon In The Sack
21: Rooster Chews Tobacco
20: Numbers That Are Greater Than One
19: Unme No Jikan
18: Wall-To-Wall Syrup
17: I Had A Datsun That Color
16: The Distinct Aroma Of Gasoline And Capacitors
15: Mario Speedwagon Sez "This is the fucking bizness!"
14: I Can't Even Imagine Slash's Dad
13: Robust Chin Jism in C
12: I'd Like To Meet The Guy From Don Caballero Who Came Up With Their Song Titles
11: Land O'Smiles
10: The Devil Or Doug
09: Everything Is Factory, Dude
08: I've Got No Beef With Iggy
07: Unity Gain
06: Meet The Depeche Mode Remix Contest That Killed Me
05: I'm Curious About The Fugs
04: Suburban Housewife Oil Orgy in C
03: Satchmo Double Helix
02: I Once Lived In My Father's Balls
01: Nanker Phelge

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 214

Smoke: Heaven On A Popsicle Stick: "The Trip" [mp3]

About a month ago a good friend of mine, Thump, got married. Around that same time a coworker/friend started dating a lovely young woman, and so far, things are going well. Then, about two weeks ago, another coworker/friend found himself embroiled in a rather torrid sexual thing with a recently divorced cougar who apparently is making up for lost time. Tonight, a third coworker/friend goes on his first date with a woman he randomly encountered on Google+.

Meanwhile, the Filipino lesbian who lives next door might actually be bisexual. Otherwise, I can't explain the A-1 flirting she was doing with me out by her mailbox the other evening. We didn't actually hook up, but I'm telling you, it seems inevitable.

Anyways, I believe you should seek out Heaven On A Popsicle Stick immediately. This lost classic album of baroque, somewhat-deconstructed Countryfolkblues is the perfect soundtrack for this summer's heat, and all the sex and romance that is currently in the air. This thick, warm air.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 212

Frank Ocean: Nostalgia, Ultra: "Songs For Women" [mp3]

I was travelling down University Avenue in Middleton during lunch hour today, and I'm the first car sitting at a red light when it happened.

What happened is, a fifty-something year old dude in a maroon Ford F-250 is making a left turn onto University Ave, crossing right in front of me, and I'm watching him looking intently at about a dozen scantily-clad teenaged girls washing cars for charity in a parking lot at the far corner of the intersection. (Of course I had watched them myself when I came to that stop)...

I watched this dude with his eyes locked on those young, nubile girls as he drove his truck straight up over the curb and sidewalk and into the front end of a black Acura parked in front of Scott's Pastry Shoppe.

I was laughing before he even crashed, and I was still kinda laughing when I drove around the block and came back to act as witness for the cops.

I laughed again when I went and got my car washed.

Anyways, this song was playing as a dozen teenaged girls scrubbed and hosed and patted dry my Grand Marquis.

I'm chuckling right now.

Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #1

Surprise, surprise! My adoration and lust for Winona Ryder is neverending. What else can I possibly say about her that I haven't already said? She is my hope.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 210

Frank Zappa: In New York: "Punky's Whips" [mp3]

So, last week's S4TW featured Angel, a '70s Glam Metal band of pretty boys, and guitarist Punky Meadows was arguably the prettiest of the quintet.

Pretty enough to fill Terry Bozzio, Frank Zappa's drummer at the time, with mad desire.

This is a song about that desire.

Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #2

Alison Brie plays Annie Edison, sexy nerd girl on NBC's Community, and it isn't hard to imagine her as younger Liz Lemon, which is to say Ms. Brie seems a younger Tina Fey to me.

I don't know if that's why she hopscotched over Ms. Fey into the #2 spot on my Laminated List this year, or if it's because none of this actually matters.

Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #4

Kat Dennings just turned 25 on Monday, so...Happy Birthday, Ms. Dennings!

I'm not sure if 25 is age-appropriate or not. She's young enough to be my daughter, and more to the point, she's at the age where I would have helped conceive her my freshman year of college. Thinking back to my Hazeltine House days, yeah, that definitely could have happened...

I suppose Kat Dennings is the bombshell on this year's Laminated List - the Reubenesque stunner with the big blue eyes, impossible to miss or ignore.

What's best, however, is that Ms. Dennings will be playing one of the two leads on a new sitcom called 2 Broke Girls, premiering this fall on CBS. Considering CBS' success with sitcoms, I expect to get a weekly dose of Kat Dennings for several years to come. Will it be enough to keep her on this list of mine? Who knows.

Hotcha! Hank

2011 LAMINATED LIST #5

Is it weird, or even creepy, that a middle-aged guy such as myself posts an annual Laminated List on this stupid, pointless blog of mine?

Would it help if I said I feel young? Would it help if I told you that three of the five women on my Laminated List are completely age-appropriate?

Connie Britton, for instance...She's 44 years old. Under completely different circumstances, we could have dated in high school.

As it stands, she's simply a gorgeous redhead playing what I believe is the best female character on network television (Tami Taylor on Friday Night Lights), and giving one of the best performances as well. It's impossible not to adore and admire Tami Taylor, the no-nonsense high school guidance counselor, mother and wife of the school's football coach - the character I believe is the absolute center and anchor of the entire show. And human psychology, being what it is, it's difficult not to imagine that Connie Britton is a similar kind of awesome woman in real life.

Whether she is that kind of cool or not, I still find myself transfixed by her beauty, and with this being the final season of Friday Night Lights, an excellent TV drama that I'm sad to see going, I've been thinking more about her and her character these past couple of months, and I realized just how attracted I've been Connie Britton over the years, going all the way back to Spin City, which debuted in 1996.

This Laminated List, being what it is, will probably not include Ms. Britton next year, but for now, for 2011...

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 204

Steely Dan: Countdown To Ecstasy: "King Of The World" [mp3]

There are some misguided fools out there who believe THE RAPTURE is going to happen this weekend. I say "misguided" because the Holy Bible tells us that no one, save God, can or will know when THE RAPTURE is going to happen. I say "fools" because, c'mon - if and when the world comes to an end, it will be done by mankind, not the will of God.

(Of course, this all presupposes that God actually exists)


In that spirit, I offer you "King Of The World", a Steely Dan song that concerns itself with a post-apocalyptic world - specifically, New Mexico after an atomic disaster, which I'm presuming happened at Los Alamos, home of the Manhattan Project, where the atomic bomb was developed.

So, hedging my bets, my plans for this weekend include: getting drunk on absinthe, getting high on weed, having sex and/or masturbating, listening to a playlist of my favorite songs, and having a last meal of my favorite foods - a reuben sandwich, egg noodles with cream-styled corn, butterscotch pudding, cherry cheesecake, plenty of ice cold whole milk, and as the world burns around me, a glass bottle of Coca-Cola made with pure cane sugar.

If it is indeed the end of days, I wish you all the best. If not, well, carry on.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 199

Ultravox: Ultravox!: "My Sex" [mp3]

My sex smells like that old Hemingway paperback that sat next to the bottle of musk oil in the leather satchel that hung around my neck for three weeks in Mexico. My sex is a flurry of beard and a solitary bead of sweat rolling down my neck. My sex makes jazz noises.

I know, I know - you didn't ask.

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 29 March 2010

MEAL: 5 Roast Pork Egg Rolls + 1 Fried Sweet Bun = $8.50 + $1.50 tip

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 196

Smith Westerns: Dye It Blonde: "Weekend" [mp3]

What are your plans for this weekend?

I'm going to be smoking crack with my family of goddesses and watching porn. Either that, or drinking alone and reading Drood by Dan Simmons. I haven't really decided yet.

Plus +++ LAUNDRY!

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 22 February 2011

MEAL: 8 Roast Pork Egg Rolls + 1 Sticky Bun = $13.35 + $1.65 tip

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 28 December 2010

MEAL: 2 Roast Pork Egg Rolls + 1 order (8) Crab Rangoon + 1 Happy Family = $16.15 + 85¢ tip


Hotcha! Hank