A Band By Any Other Name Still Smells Like The Drummer's Sweatband

The new issue of Alternative Press (#261 if yr counting) contains their annual compendium of 100 bands we need to know about this year, and as I have done the past couple of years, I'd like to take this opportunity to list some of the very ridiculous and sometimes outright horrible band names found within.

As I've mentioned before, I've always been fascinated by band names. So much so, that I've accumulated my own extensive list with the help of friends and enemies over the past 25 years. Further, I'm willing to admit that our own list contains at least 75% ridiculous and horrible band names that no sane person would ever use to conquer popular culture. Plenty are inside jokes (never a good idea for a band name) while others are merely the result of substance abuse.

(Also - I was once in a band called Those Amazing Foreheads, which is probably worth keeping in mind...)

The difference is - the bands on the following list ARE trying to make a living as professional musicians, and in my own opinion, have one huge strike against them from the get-go by choosing the monikers they have chosen. Hindsight should inform us that at least 90% of these bands will never have any lasting relevance in pop culture, and this failure has almost nothing to do with the music (some of these bands are very good at what they do) and almost everything to do with luck...and their names. I've listed 40 of these 100 bands here, but I could have named a many, many more that aren't half bad, but aren't really half-good either.

Anyways, I realize that after 60 years of Rock'n'Roll, it's become a bit difficult to come up with a cool and original name, but it's not impossible. These kids today, they're either trying too hard, or not trying hard enough. I dunno - you be the judge.

Canada Water (huh?)
Abandon Kansas (first there was Kansas, then there was Bleeding Kansas...)
Zlam Dunk (Slam Dunk might not have been so bad, but that fucking Z!)
Worn In Red
Flood Of Red
The Bigger Lights (What does this mean?)
We Are The In Crowd
We Are The Union
Two Hours Traffic (ugh)
Litany For The Whale (the worst band name on this list)
Freelance Whales (a close second)
Exit_International (underscore essential)
DD/MM/YYYY (meh, maybe not that bad, but certainly a mouthful - "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome dee dee, em em, why why why why!")
Inhale/Exhale
How Dare You (choose such a weak sauce name)
Nightmares For A Week
Those Who Lie Beneath
Cymbals Eat Guitars (Snares Chew Pianos...Rototoms Regurgitate Double Bassoons)
Let's Get It (Get what? I don't get it.)
The Riot Before
The Joy Formidable (Can a band with "formidable" in their name actually ever succeed? Let's find out.)
A Silent Film
All The Day Holiday (???)
Sent By Ravens (Why? Sent for what purpose? What do these ravens want? Why can't these damn ravens do it themselves?)
The Phenomenal Handclap Band
Free Energy
1,2,3 (I maintain that 15,16,17 is as good a name)
The Wonder Years (naming your band after a movie or TV show is almost never a good idea)
Stray From The Path
Here We Go Magic
Breathe Electric
The Downtown Fiction (as opposed to The Uptown Non-Fiction, The Suburban Biography, and The Rural Self-Help Manual)
Stereo Skyline
Red Knife Lottery
A Loss For Words (Indeed, I am...)
Brian Bonz & The Dot Hongs (I assume this is a play on "Hot Dongs", but that still doesn't make this name any better in my mind)
Goonies Never Say Die (really? REALLY? REALLY??? )
The Color Turning
Miss May I
Averkiou

Hotcha! Hank

So Many Skull T-Shirts, So Little Rent Money

Two years ago I posted a list of (what I consider) really stupid band names, most of them culled from the pages of Alternative Press magazine...Names that I just don't understand, names that probably nobody understands, names that are meaningless, names that are just plain moronic, names that lack any sort of punch, and names that are actually complete sentences...So many lame names that might work as song titles, or album titles, but just don't make any sort of sense as band names...So, here we are again, two years later, and since I think about this topic all the time because I read Alt Press religiously every month, here's another list...The ones I loathe the most are in bold...

My Children, My Bride
Crime In Stereo
Danger Radio
Breathe Carolina
The Years Gone By
Before Their Eyes
Consider The Thief
The Paper And The Plane
Postmark Twain
Thirteen Yards To Victory
Exotic Animal Petting Zoo (the single worst band name going these days)
A Breath Before Surfacing
I Am Alaska
Sing It Loud
3OH!3
Fake Shark-Real Zombie!
The Two Koreas
Dearestazazel
I Am The Dream
Becoming The Archetype
Forever The Sickest Kids
Admiral's Arms
Love, She Wrote
Motionless In White
The Stiletto Formal
A Kidnap In Color
A Different Breed Of Killer
The Action Design
Light Yourself On Fire
Don The Reader
Late Of The Pier
Forgive Durden
Pathway To Providence
Anathallo
Now, Now Every Children
Report Suspicious Activities
A Bird A Sparrow
Brokencyde
Leathermouth
True Window
Magnetic Morning
East Of The Wall
Davenport Cabinet
Artist Vs. Poet

Hotcha! Hank

A Band By Any Other Name Still Smells Like Styling Mousse

As promised, a list of lame and crappy band names, found within the very pages of the newest issue of Alternative Press magazine.

Those of you who know me, or are familiar with my website, The ButterScotch Threshold, are hip to NAME THAT BAND, which consists of two very small notebooks filled with several hundred (I've never actually counted 'em) band names that friends, acquaintances and myself have dreamed up over the years. I started the first volume in 1984, in the freshman dorms at UW-Madison, and yeah, the vast majority of these names are stupid and silly beyond belief, and quite unsuitable for actual. A fair number of 'em are sexually sophomoric. Some refer to the rectal area, and the behaviors and functions of such. Plenty are inside jokes. A second volume was started in 1993, and those names are more absurd than stupid. Most of 'em are still quite unusable. Now they're all online if ya click the link above...

I tell you this so that you understand that I compiled this particular list today because these names suck as bad as any in my two tiny volumes, but these are worse because the bands actually are using 'em, and most are trying to become rockstars, to say nothing of respected artistes within their own scenes and genres.

Without further ado...

Oh wait, I'd just like to say that most of these sound more like song and album titles than actual band names...I don't know when this trend started, but you'll see how right I am...

Without further ado...

Haste The Day
From Autumn To Ashes
Cute Is What We Aim For
On Broken Wings
The Burning Season
Echo Screen
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Fear Before The March Of Flames
Widows & Orphans
Frenemies
The Devil Wears Prada [ed. note - currently the dumbest name in Rock]
Armor For Sleep
A Voice Like Rhetoric
After Midnight Project
Therefore I Am
Caecelia
Poison The Well
Opiate For The Masses
Taking Back Sunday
As Tall As Lions
This Moment In Black History
Madina Lake
blessthefall
Midnight Movies
The Photo Atlas
Circa Survive
Big D & The Kids Table
The Dear Hunter
Have Heart
Nothington
My Latest Novel

(remember, kids, these are actual band names)

Behold...The Arctopus
The Transit War
Envy On The Coast
Job For A Cowboy [ed. note - currently the dumbest name in rock]
Bomb The Music Industry!
Between The Trees
Every Move A Picture
School For Heroes
Hot Like (A) Robot
Classic Case
The Spill Canvas
Anchors For Arms
Look Mexico
You Say Party! We Say Die!
Daphne Loves Derby
The Handshake Murders
Life In Your Way
Night Kills The Day
Call Me Lightning
Black Tie Dynasty
The Early November
Emmure
Krum Bums
Alternate Routes
Massacre Of The Umbilical Cord [ed. note - I give up...This might be the dumbest band name in the history of Rock.]

Hotcha!
Hank