On The 8th Day Of Christmas...
I give to thee...EIGHT PREDICTIONS FOR 2008!
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01: During the Super Bowl XLII halftime show, a "wardrobe malfunction" involving one of Tom Petty's Hearbreakers, keyboardist Benmont Tench, will shock and outrage America. The rest of the world will shrug and drink more beer.
02: The WGA strike will continue in Hollywood through the winter. Just when the AMPTP are about to concede to the writers' union this coming March, studio execs realize that Americans will essentially watch whatever reality crap you throw in front of 'em. Hello, Celebrity Wife Swap, goodbye 30 Rock.
03: Jamie Lynn Spears will give birth to an entire boy band named In2It, who are a fully owned and managed property of Disney. A few people in Ohio are shocked and outraged to learn that K-Fed is the baby boy band daddy, but the rest of us merely feel a smug sense of satisfaction.
04: This summer, aliens from a planet in the Betelgeuse system, will contact earth with a message and a plea. The message - Altruism and mutual respect among all races, creeds and ethnicities is the only way human life will survive beyond the next century. The plea - Won't somebody please convince 20th Century Fox and NBC to release on DVD all 8 episodes of the 1983 television show Manimal, starring Simon MacCorkindale as Steve, the Manimal.
05: McDonalds begins selling shushi in their American restaraunts. McFotumaki is a traditional Maki-zushi roll containing grilled salmon, avacado and mild radish, and proves to be quite popular. As does The Breakfast Chirashizushi, which is nothing more and nothing less than a sublime plastic bowl full of vinegared sushi rice, sausage, scrambled eggs and sweet corn. Meanwhile, sweet pickled ginger becomes America's newest condiment sensation, and by the end of the year two dozen brands and varieties will be available on grocery store shelves nationwide.
06: In her latest attempt to remain in the public eye and maintain some sort of relevance, Paris Hilton will finance and produce a "home video" in which the young celebutante has cocaine blown up her ass with a straw by an extremely pregnant Nicole Richie. Later in the video, Richie fucks Hilton in the ass with a very large, very menacing, very pink strap-on dildo. A highlight of this scene is when Richie exclaims, "I can't feel my cock!", and Paris responds, "It's because of all the coke in my ass!" DVD copies are available all over the internet for $29.95, shipping included.
07: In September Bigfoot "outs" himself at a press conference in Vancouver, claims Canadian citizenship, and announces a book deal with St. Martin's Press rumored to be worth $20 million. He does not take any questions from the press at that time, but the following week is interviewed by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning, America for a reported $3 Million. In the interview, Bigfoot appears to be drunk, and becomes visibly agitated when Sawyer questions him about his whereabouts during Vietnam and his supposed affair with Sharon Stone in the early 1990's.
08: John Edwards will be elected the next President of the United States, with Hillary Clinton his VP running mate.
Hotcha! Hank
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01: During the Super Bowl XLII halftime show, a "wardrobe malfunction" involving one of Tom Petty's Hearbreakers, keyboardist Benmont Tench, will shock and outrage America. The rest of the world will shrug and drink more beer.
02: The WGA strike will continue in Hollywood through the winter. Just when the AMPTP are about to concede to the writers' union this coming March, studio execs realize that Americans will essentially watch whatever reality crap you throw in front of 'em. Hello, Celebrity Wife Swap, goodbye 30 Rock.
03: Jamie Lynn Spears will give birth to an entire boy band named In2It, who are a fully owned and managed property of Disney. A few people in Ohio are shocked and outraged to learn that K-Fed is the baby boy band daddy, but the rest of us merely feel a smug sense of satisfaction.
04: This summer, aliens from a planet in the Betelgeuse system, will contact earth with a message and a plea. The message - Altruism and mutual respect among all races, creeds and ethnicities is the only way human life will survive beyond the next century. The plea - Won't somebody please convince 20th Century Fox and NBC to release on DVD all 8 episodes of the 1983 television show Manimal, starring Simon MacCorkindale as Steve, the Manimal.
05: McDonalds begins selling shushi in their American restaraunts. McFotumaki is a traditional Maki-zushi roll containing grilled salmon, avacado and mild radish, and proves to be quite popular. As does The Breakfast Chirashizushi, which is nothing more and nothing less than a sublime plastic bowl full of vinegared sushi rice, sausage, scrambled eggs and sweet corn. Meanwhile, sweet pickled ginger becomes America's newest condiment sensation, and by the end of the year two dozen brands and varieties will be available on grocery store shelves nationwide.
06: In her latest attempt to remain in the public eye and maintain some sort of relevance, Paris Hilton will finance and produce a "home video" in which the young celebutante has cocaine blown up her ass with a straw by an extremely pregnant Nicole Richie. Later in the video, Richie fucks Hilton in the ass with a very large, very menacing, very pink strap-on dildo. A highlight of this scene is when Richie exclaims, "I can't feel my cock!", and Paris responds, "It's because of all the coke in my ass!" DVD copies are available all over the internet for $29.95, shipping included.
07: In September Bigfoot "outs" himself at a press conference in Vancouver, claims Canadian citizenship, and announces a book deal with St. Martin's Press rumored to be worth $20 million. He does not take any questions from the press at that time, but the following week is interviewed by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning, America for a reported $3 Million. In the interview, Bigfoot appears to be drunk, and becomes visibly agitated when Sawyer questions him about his whereabouts during Vietnam and his supposed affair with Sharon Stone in the early 1990's.
08: John Edwards will be elected the next President of the United States, with Hillary Clinton his VP running mate.
Hotcha! Hank
Labels: 30 Rock, aliens, Benmont Tench, Bigfoot, celebrities, Diane Sawyer, Food, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Manimal, McDonalds, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Sharon Stone, Simon MacCorkindale
posted by Hank Mohaski at 4:20 PM
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