In an effort to shake things up on this year's Laminated List, I've decided to drop Tina Fey down to the #3 spot for no reason whatsoever. If you need a reason, let's say it's because she is currently 5-6 months pregnant, and quite frankly, pregnant women don't "do anything" for me.
If nothing else, it's a reminder that she's married to someone else, but more to the point, that this whole Laminated List thing is rather ridiculous.
Way back in May of 1998, when I moved back to Madison, some of my mail got lost/misplaced/delayed along the way, including that month's QPBC (Quality Paperback Book Club) catalog. The featured book in that particular issue was Infinite Jest... And because I didn't send back the order form with the appropriate box marked to inform QPBC that I did NOT want Infinite Jest automatically sent to me, they automatically did. And so I came home from work one day about two weeks after moving into this place only to find a fairly large cardboard box lodged between my doors. Before I had even unpacked the beast within, I was pretty damn sure I was never gonna read it. 1079 pages! If I didn't have the juice to conquer a tome like that when I was 32, you can bet yr ass I've got less juice now. Now...Now I could have simply sent the book back (free shipping) for a full refund, but I felt like the title of the book was the true jest for me - new city, new home, new job, new friends - a full-blown load of unknown. Twelve years later, and I can once again say Paul Simon is a prophet, because the more things change, the more they stay the same. Infinite Jest sits square in the center of my main bookcase in the living room, as it has for twelve years so far. I have read its spine countless times, every day. I've got my own ideas about God's sense of humor, the nature of fate, and the fortune of DNA, but don't ask me what this book's about. I'll never know.
Scanning Infinite Jest'scharacter list at Wikipedia, I'd have to say if they ever made this 5 pound book into a movie, maybe they could get TINA FEY to play Joelle Van Dyne § (aka "Madame Psychosis" aka "The Prettiest Girl Of All Time")...I'm willing to say Tina is crazy pretty, and sometimes pretty crazy. There's also the acid-scarred face of this character, and the scar on Ms. Fey's face to consider. Whatever. I'm 99% sure I'll never read David Foster Wallace's magnum opus...Alas, poor me.
§Joelle Van Dyne is the primary figure in the deadly Entertainment. ¶ In the work, which is filmed through a wobbly "neo-natal" lens, she is seen reaching down to the camera, as if it were in a bassinet, and apologizing profusely. This is said to trigger an addictive pleasure complex in the viewer, which makes even partial viewing of the Entertainment suicidal. She wears a veil to hide her face. She is a member of the "Union of the Hideously and Improbably Deformed (U.H.I.D.)", she may be disfigured; based on an account by the unreliable Molly Notkin. It is not made clear throughout the novel whether in fact she is disfigured; she herself states that she wears the veil because every man who sees her flawless face falls in love with her. Although it becomes clear that she was indeed disfigured by an acid attack, it is possible that the acid attack post-dates her adoption of the veil. She tries to "eliminate her own map" (that is, commit suicide) in Molly Notkin's bathroom via massive ingestion of freebase cocaine, which lands her in the Ennet House as a resident. [1]
¶ The plot of Infinite Jest partially revolves around the missing master copy of a film cartridge, titled Infinite Jest and referred to in the novel as "the Entertainment" or "the samizdat". The film is so entertaining to its viewers that they become lifeless, losing all interest in anything other than viewing the film. The video cartridge was the final work of film by James O. Incandenza before his microwave-induced suicide, completed during a stint of sobriety that was requested by the lead actress, Joelle. Quebec separatists are interested in acquiring a master, redistributable copy of the work to aid in acts of terrorism against the United States. The United States Office of Unspecified Services (USOUS) is seeking to intercept the master copy of the film in order to prevent mass dissemination and the destabilization of the Organization of North American Nations. Joelle and later Hal seek treatment for substance abuse problems at The Ennet House Drug and Alcohol Recovery House, and Marathe visits the rehabilitation center to pursue a lead on the master copy of the Entertainment §, tying the characters together. The text indicates that Hal and Gately dig up the grave of Himself (under the supervision of John N.R. Wayne) in search of the master copy. The novel ends in the Year of Glad (the first chapter of the novel), during which Hal's physical deterioration is made evident. [2]
§ Wallace's working title for Infinite Jest had been A Failed Entertainment. [3]
01: Dan Nelson: All Known Metal Bands: I don't even remember what I was searching for when I ran across this book at Amazon, but the minute I saw it, I knew I had to have it (used, of course) in my life. Quite simply, this is a list of 51,000 Heavy Metal bands, in alphabetical order, as of 2008. Yes, it is fucking awesome. Kudos to Dan Nelson and this singular, epic compulsion. Godwaffle. Satanic Sega Genesis.
02: Janelle Monae doing "Tightrope" on Letterman: This was the absolute shiz. The new Godmother of Sci-Fi Soul/R'n'B/HipHop/Funk, perhaps? Implied. I Coulda done without the Diddy, but he did bow down to Ms. Monae...So, um...Read that last part back to me and watch the vid...
03: Bananajesus: It's called Pareidolia, the phenomenon of seeing faces in ordinary, everyday objects, or my favorite, seeing the Virgin Mary in things. Longtime readers of Hot Poop might know that when I post pictures like this, I like to paraphrase the Dead Milkmen and write, "you'll pray to anything". Yeah, it's a jab at nutty Christians, but I must admit, as a "hopeful agnostic" (which makes me the wishy-washiests of people) there have been periods in my life when I was seeing the face of Jesus in the strangest places - an arrangement of gravel on my cousin Chico's driveway, in the leaves/branches of the silver maple in the front yard, two evil squirrels adding a depth to the beard. The more spiritual friends and well-wishers of mine would always say things like "It's God, showing you his truth." Ugh.
04: This moshpit pic: If one looks long enough, one might imagine God and Satan in this image. BTW - is this a photo, a painting, or a photoshopped monstrosity somewhere in between?
05: Fritz:[as always, click to enlarge] My sister assures me this kid's name if Fritz. I went to school with a kid named Fritz. Fritz lived on a farm. Now, I love my sis, but I'm pretty damn sure she's pulling my leg on this one, because I'm pretty damn sure she doesn't know any kids named Fritz. Fritz.
06: 30 Rock: "I Do Do" [S4-EP22] : This excellent season 4 finale, which broadcast last Thursday night, features Matt Damon as Carroll, Liz Lemon's new love interest. Carroll, a dashing pilot who is seemingly and believably Liz's soulmate. True. Love is also in the air for Jack, who is torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool. Meanwhile, Jenna's new beau, a Jenna Maroney impersonator, also reveals himself to be a Cher impersonator as well. Another triangle. More decisions. Kenny gets fired, but really, this show is all about Liz, possibly finding happiness, and Matt Damon's fantastic cameo. Which I'm hoping is more than just a cameo. I'd like to see Damon come back next season in a semi-regular role. Let Liz be happy in love and spend season 5 making that funny as an antidote to four years of unlucky Liz. Anyways, what's most valuable here - Damon is a very good comic actor. The sort of actor who creates funny characters through subtle mannerisms and affectations, wigs & facial hair, a good wardrobe, who then delivers improbably funny lines with such earnestness, and sometimes with a well-played accent. Damon was Oscar-worthy in last year's The Informant!And as much as I love Terry Gilliam, The Brothers Grimm was a messy film that didn't quite work. But that wasn't Damon's fault. He and Heath Ledger gave their usually solid-to-great performances in a middling film that had it's fair share of humor throughout (from clever wordplay to nutty slapstick). In fact, I'd say there's a boyish wink lurking under most of Damon's characters. Like Clooney, just not as dashing. Blather. Tina Fey!!!!!
07: The Rusty Nail: Also known as a "Donald Sutherland", this sweet stinging cocktail is 5 parts scotch (make mine Dalmore) and 2 parts Drambuie, poured into an ice-filled highball glass. Stir slowly and gently until the glass gets nice and frosty. Finish it with a lemon twist. It's good medicine in warm weather.
01: Kanellos The Greek Protest Dog:The Greeks aren't afraid to protest, and even riot a bit, when their government fucks them over. As an armchair anarchist, it makes me sad that the American people have been, by and large, taken advantage of by our government and big business time and time again, but we're too fat and complacent to do much more than bitch about it with friends and coworkers. Nobody is taking it to the streets except the Tea Partiers, and I'm fairly convinced their entire movement is built on a solid foundation of racism, because the tax rates under our current black president is pretty much in line (and in many cases lower) with the tax rates under every other president over the past 50 years. In other words, where were these white, middle class people during the Bush, Clinton, Reagan, Carter and Nixon years? The top marginal tax rate during the Reagan years (their beloved political hero) hovered around 50%, while it sits at 38% under Obama? But now I'm getting wildly off-topic. Follow the link, and see 14 pictures of Kanellos, perhaps a more "involved" citizen than most of us.
02: Community: "Modern Warfare": S1-EP23: As the season has progressed, Community has grown into its own, and has grown on me. At first, I thought it was a fairly good comedy - good enough to kick off NBC's Thursday night comedy block, but not as strong as the three shows which follow. Well, sad to say, The Office has been quite underwhelming this year, and may be ready to head out to pasture, while 30 Rock is still great, but not as insane as it was last season. Parks & Recreation is currently the strongest of the four comedies, but I believe this "Modern Warfare" episode of Community is a welcome indication of just how good this show can be. Every week we can count on the writers to sneak a number of sly movie references into the show (via the character of Abed), but this particular episode is simply remarkable in that respect. Plus, it's just plain funny.
03: Screamo Kitty: I believe this picture speaks for itself.
04: Sherlock Holmes: I didn't love this movie, if only because I'm rather protective of the character and stories of the creator, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and this adaptation is not only a non-canonical story, but the illustrious detective, as played by Robert Downey Jr., is painted with rather broad strokes. As I mentioned two weeks ago, I'm partial to Jeremy Brett's portrayal in the Granada TV series of the 1980's, which showed Holmes in all his bitchy, egotistical glory, to say nothing of the homosexual undercurrent running throughout, which I believe to be one of the more important aspects of the original character. Is he gay, or merely asexual? Doyle leaves us guessing. Here, with the introduction of Irene Adler, as played by Rachel McAdams, there is no mystery, and that's a shame. Having said all this, I'm still a sucker for the characters of Holmes and Watson, a sucker for London circa 1890ish, and dammit if Guy Ritchie doesn't know how to make superb action films. This movie might not have been what I wanted, but it is damn entertaining nonetheless.
05: EVERYTHINGATHON! v101:Hats off to Dan Dierdorf, who tells a horrifying story of his trip to Burning Man several years ago, mixing a bunch of great heavy metal into the podcast for good measure. Check it out for the rest of this month.
06: Super Kohinoor Indian Food:I love Indian food, and thankfully there are a couple of very good Indian restaurants in Madison. However, I do not eat in restaurants very often because it's hard to justify the cost, and while I'm a pretty good cook, Indian cuisine is one of the more difficult to do well, I believe - I'm certainly not very adept. That's where the Super Kohinoor brand comes in. You might laugh when I tell you that this particular line of products (among many other Indian foods made by Kohinoor) is nothing more complicated than boil bags - boil the bag for 5 minutes, and then simply pour over rice. So simple, even a caveman (such as myself) can do it, but considering the nature of this product, it more than satisfies my Indian food cravings when they arise (I always keep a few of these Kohinoor products in my pantry). They make about 8 different "dishes" in this line, but I'd have to say Awahdi Aloo Mutter is my favorite of the bunch, which is really nothing more than peas and potatos in a vibrant curry. Available in most supermarkets, I'm sure.
Tina Fey is #2 on my 2009 Laminated List, which really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who's followed HOT POOP for awhile...Last year Ms. Fey ended up at #3 because of a sudden fascination I had with Evangeline Lilly. I think it was largely out sympathy because of all the "Kate Hate" one can find all over the internet. LOST fans just don't like Kate, and alot of 'em also claim Ms. Lilly is a crap actress. Whatever. Ridiculous.
But this is about Tina Fey, not Evangeline Lilly. This is about bouncing back to reclaim her rightful place at #2 on this year's Laminated List because while she is an attractive woman, it is her sense of humor and her intelligence and her subtle cynicism/sarcasm/sass that makes her one-of-a-kind, and a woman for the ages...Is it too soon to call her an icon, or did the whole Sarah Palin thing cement her place in TV and Pop Culture history?
Whatever...After 3 seasons, 30 Rock is without a doubt the best and funniest comedy on television, and obviously Tina Fey is the biggest reason why...The show is her baby, and it's a great ensemble, no doubt, but Ms. Fey has proven herself to be a really great actress after years of being known mainly as a writer...Her Liz Lemon character is a loveable mess. A smart, educated woman in charge of network TV show who can't seem to catch a break in any part of her life - her writers and actors don't really respect her as their boss, her boss doesn't take her seriously either, and her lovelife can't seem to get any serious traction, nevermind her creepy loser ex-boyfriend, Dennis...And she battles back against 'em all with a sharp tongue and mouthfuls of junkfood...I've said it before, but that scene from Season 2 when she mows down an entire deli sandwich in about 15 seconds at airport security checkpoint is one of the hottest things I've ever seen in my life...
Anyways, like so many others, I find Tina Fey to be smart and funny and cute and really, what's not to love? What more needs to be said?
Oh my! Tina Fey dropped from #2 to #3 on this year's Laminated List, and there's absolutely no other reason than the woman who jumped up to #2 simply got me in a lather more than she usually does, and in the end, this whole sordid endeavor is about sex with famous, unattainable women, right?
Once upon a time, Tina Fey was an attainable woman. Nowadays she's married with a daughter, but she still seems like an attainable woman, which is certainly a huge part of her appeal. She was self-admittedly a band geek/drama nerd all through her formative years, and if I learned anything in high school, it's the fact that The Speaks were 100% freaks. I ain't saying Tina Fey was easy, but she was undoubtedly fun.
This third picture with the big pencil almost singlehandedly kept Tina Fey at #2. I want to take it behind the the middle school and get it pregnant.
Tina Fey is on my Laminated List for most of the same basic reasons Amy Sedaris is - she's funny, cute, smart and seemingly real in an entertainment industry that isn't known for reality. Hell, The Hills isn't even real. Not really.
What is real is the scene from a recent episode of 30 Rock wherein Fey's character, Liz Lemon, scarfs down a huge deli sandwich in one take, in about 20 seconds, while stuck in airport security. An impressive feat, a funny scene, proof of her dedication, and yeah, pretty damn sexy.
I give to thee...EIGHT PREDICTIONS FOR 2008! HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP
01: During the Super Bowl XLII halftime show, a "wardrobe malfunction" involving one of Tom Petty's Hearbreakers, keyboardist Benmont Tench, will shock and outrage America. The rest of the world will shrug and drink more beer.
02: The WGA strike will continue in Hollywood through the winter. Just when the AMPTP are about to concede to the writers' union this coming March, studio execs realize that Americans will essentially watch whatever reality crap you throw in front of 'em. Hello, Celebrity Wife Swap, goodbye 30 Rock.
03:Jamie Lynn Spears will give birth to an entire boy band named In2It, who are a fully owned and managed property of Disney. A few people in Ohio are shocked and outraged to learn that K-Fed is the baby boy band daddy, but the rest of us merely feel a smug sense of satisfaction.
04: This summer, aliens from a planet in the Betelgeuse system, will contact earth with a message and a plea. The message - Altruism and mutual respect among all races, creeds and ethnicities is the only way human life will survive beyond the next century. The plea - Won't somebody please convince 20th Century Fox and NBC to release on DVD all 8 episodes of the 1983 television show Manimal, starring Simon MacCorkindale as Steve, the Manimal.
05:McDonalds begins selling shushi in their American restaraunts. McFotumaki is a traditional Maki-zushi roll containing grilled salmon, avacado and mild radish, and proves to be quite popular. As does The Breakfast Chirashizushi, which is nothing more and nothing less than a sublime plastic bowl full of vinegared sushi rice, sausage, scrambled eggs and sweet corn. Meanwhile, sweet pickled ginger becomes America's newest condiment sensation, and by the end of the year two dozen brands and varieties will be available on grocery store shelves nationwide.
06: In her latest attempt to remain in the public eye and maintain some sort of relevance, Paris Hilton will finance and produce a "home video" in which the young celebutante has cocaine blown up her ass with a straw by an extremely pregnant Nicole Richie. Later in the video, Richie fucks Hilton in the ass with a very large, very menacing, very pink strap-on dildo. A highlight of this scene is when Richie exclaims, "I can't feel my cock!", and Paris responds, "It's because of all the coke in my ass!" DVD copies are available all over the internet for $29.95, shipping included.
07: In September Bigfoot "outs" himself at a press conference in Vancouver, claims Canadian citizenship, and announces a book deal with St. Martin's Press rumored to be worth $20 million. He does not take any questions from the press at that time, but the following week is interviewed by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning, America for a reported $3 Million. In the interview, Bigfoot appears to be drunk, and becomes visibly agitated when Sawyer questions him about his whereabouts during Vietnam and his supposed affair with Sharon Stone in the early 1990's.
08:John Edwards will be elected the next President of the United States, with Hillary Clinton his VP running mate.
In a recent post I wrote about installing a new DVD drive in my ancient PC (5 years is pretty ancient for a PC, right?) which now offers me the ability to do screengrabs from DVDs...The most exciting prospect of this is the possible resurrection of MUCKO!, which fans of Thee ButterScotch Threshold will hopefully remember with some fondness...Anyways, the following seven screengrabs are from some of my personal favorite movies and televisions shows, their DVDs within view and grabbing distance on the shelf next to HOT POOP CENTRAL...If you click on the images below, you can enjoy the full 600x900 pix, which admittedly aren't the highest quality, but may nonetheless be suitable for wallpapers, if yr so inclined...
Brazil
30 Rock The Simpsons Movie
Strangers With Candy Blade Runner SCTV - Count Floyd's Monster Chiller Horror Theater Arrested Development Hotcha! Hank
The CD burner on my PC crapped out last week, so I took the big hit on my checking account, and dropped a serious $35 on a new DVD drive, courtesy of the fine folks at Best Buy and LG...
After the tortuous 9 minutes spent swapping 'em out, and another 4 hours installing some Cyberlink software, I was ready to watch all my favorite DVDs on my PC...
That's super.
But what's even more super is the fact that I can now do screen grabs from all my favorite DVDs...And due to nothing more than mere proximity, the first DVD I popped in was Season One of 30 Rock, featuring featuring Tina Fey as Liz Lemon, who happens to be firmly entrenched at #2 on my Laminated List.
This also opens up the possibility of resurrecting MUCKO!
My 14 Favorite Baseball Caps Worn By Judah Friedlander On "30 Rock"
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Comedian/Actor Judah Friedlander plays Frank Rossitano on the NBC sitcom, 30 Rock. The character is a staff writer for a late-night sketch comedy show, and in general, Friedlander plays him off as raw, real, honest, which also means he's a dude who'll pick up luncheon meat from the floor of a television studio and stuff it into his mouth without giving it a second thought.
Anyways...Frank always, always always sports a baseball cap with some sort of text on the front...If I counted correctly (yeah, I can get obsessive with really stupid things) Frank wore 30 different caps during 30 Rock's first season...
Here are my fourteen favorites:
14: Bahama Trapezoid 13: Beef N Bean 12: Liz Rocks 11: Time Travel Agent 10: Alien Knight Force 09: Beef Ravioli 08: Alabama Legsweep 07: 1,000,000 Points 06: Mystery Solver 05: Karate Sluts 04: Hand Held 03: E.S.P. Tutor 02: UFO Cop 01: Bigfoot Expert
If you've been reading HOT POOP since last November, then you might already remember that Tina Fey is on my Laminated List...
And here we are. Number two...
Tina Fey is smart, and a smartass, and she often wears cute, geeky glasses, on and off the best sitcom currently on television (sorry to those at The Office), and ever since she had a baby daughter in 2005, her boobs have gotten downright heavy, and damn if she doesn't flash that milky rack all over 30 Rock, with a crooked smile on her lips, and an off-key song in her heart.
Possibly a Rogers & Hammerstein tune. Or maybe Abba.
I imagine Tina Fey was a SPEAK when she was in high school. In my high school, The Speaks were that group of kids who were in band, the musicals, student council, and the debate team and all the other disciplines known as FORENSICS.
I was in Forensics. I was in the Demonstrative Prose category, and I won't bore you with the details of THAT, but I will tell you that for me, Forensics opened up the doors to the world of The Speaks, and I quickly learned that those geeky girls in that group were wiiiild partiers, *wink wink* and so then my friends and I started calling 'em Speak Freaks...
So I figure Tina Fey was a Speak Freak, circa 1987. Depeche Mode mix tapes and pints of blackberry brandy. Ponytails and braces. I knew a few Tina Feys in high school.
But the real Tina Fey, today, is a bonafide MILF, and she just keep getting better and better.
Master orator, A-1 flirt, table tennis champion, world class lover, known slacker, sinistral minstrel, funky drum machiner, actual guitar hero, hungry freak, radio disc jockey extraordinaire, Pope of Discordia, advanced sloganeer, licensed coffee drinker, authorized cat fancier, snow globe juggler, ice skating judge, bonsai superstar, published poet with an unpublished number, understander of Jazz, leader of men, follower of my mom, Oracle database user, part-time billboard liberator, full-time Grand Marquis handler, accomplished pipe smoker, dental floss tycoon, fully-certified celebrity impersonator, dues-paying snake-handler, hyphen-minister, soft-spoken carrier of big sticks, amateur sleuth, semi-professional haberdasher, professional lifestyle consultant, chronic inhaler, retired bartender, grower of beards, psychic to the stars, Mint Spy agent, Friend Of Flat Atom, action figure model, stunt double, former paperboy, previous drunk, perpetual teen, and Nobel Prize winner in Theoretical Etymology. I'm also mighty handy with very large axes, extremely small firearms, celery salt, and Derrida texts. Possibly fake references available upon request.
