Hot Poop User's Manual # 42909

Thinking about my recent run-in with the IFPI, and the general infringing nature of HOT POOP since the beginning, I've decided to make mp3's available for a limited time moving forward. Three weeks, give or take. Depending on the artist and the label, I suppose. I'm guessing the more independent artists and labels won't mind. And maybe the geezers who've already sold gold and platinum amounts won't notice. So, anyways...Get 'em while they're HOT POOP!

Hines Ward!

Hotcha! Hank

A Word With Moshammer's Ghost

Hines Ward

Function: proper noun

Etymology: Korean Hyun-ae son of Hines, Old Gaelic werd marsh

Date: 1976

1: the name of a wide receiver (#86) for the Pittsburgh Steelers

Hotcha! Hank

Ninja Cat Filler

Random websurfing led me to this...Believe me, please, I have never done a YouTube search for "stealth cat action" or "ninja pussy"...If you've ever owned a cat, or have spent any amount of time playing peek-a-boo with one, then this video is nothing new...

Hines Ward!

Hotcha! Hank

Blood Makes The Grass Grow

It's that time of year, babycakes!

The 2008 NFL season begins next week, so of course that means Fantasy Football is back in full swing, and that means it's the return of everyone's favorite FF franchise, the beloved Winona Rough Ryders...

Man, it seems like it was just seven months ago that the Rough Ryders took second place in the APFL...

Which reminds me - the league has been renamed this year to the Fantasy Inner Circle League, or the FICL, and yeah, there's a part of me that thinks Wino is being fickle with this league re-christening, but he's a good commissioner, and our beloved Rough Ryders are going to win it all this year no matter what the league is called...

So, as you can see from the graphic above, the FICL had our draft on Monday night, and that would be this year's Winona Rough Ryders! All in all, I was quite happy with my draft this year, although in hindsight I do have to second guess myself a couple times...

Eighth pick in the draft, and going into it, I had seriously considered grabbing QB Tom Brady or WR Randy Moss with a later pick like mine, but both of those players got nabbed right in front of me, so that decision was essentially made for me...Conventional wisdom is to draft an RB in the first round, and with Brady and Moss off the table, Frank Gore was my highest pre-ranked RB, so I grabbed him...My thinking that he'll become a formidable and prolific receiving RB in Mike Martz's new offensive scheme in San Francisco, making him a fantasy stud...

It was a tough draft this year in terms of RB...There are a few that are still young and unproven (Adrian Peterson, Ryan Grant, Marshawn Lynch), and there are even more that are starting to age, losing a step or two, being more prone to injury (LT, Steven Jackson, Brian Westbrook, Rudi Johnson, Jamal Lewis)...

And then there are the rookies...I drafted the two best rookie RB prospects this year, and it's one of those gambits that will either blow up in my face, or make me look like a fucking genius and wish the FICL was a keeper league...Darren McFadden finds himself one of four potential starters out in Oakland, though I suspect he'll rise to the top of the depth chart by mid-season, so grabbing him in the fourth round as my 2nd RB looks fairly foolish in hindsight...At the moment, anyways...

Meanwhile, rookie RB Jonathan Stewart is running like an All-Pro this pre-season down in Carolina...The problem there is, DeAngelo Williams (a back I've drafted and championed the past two seasons) is running like an All-Pro as well...Having said that, I was able to draft the first (or second) best rookie RB prospect in the eleventh round, which is fucking sweet no matter how ya look at it...Even considering that I took McFadden in the fourth...(Why?)

Anyways, I did the conventional thing and took Gore with my first pick, and my strategy has always been to grab WRs with the next two picks, which I obviously did...Terrell Owens was a great pick for me, I believe, and there's really nothing else to say about it...Barring injury, he may very well be my leading fantasy scorer this season...

In the third round, I grabbed WR Marques Colston of the New Orleans Saints...He was the ninth WR drafted, and in a rare stroke of insight, I had him pencilled-in as my #3 pick in the days leading up to the draft...And here he is, a proud Winona Rough Ryder! I expect a huge year from the young man...

I usually grab my QB within the first three rounds, but this year I waited until the fifth round, and ended up taking Ben Roethlisberger...As a die-hard Steeler fan, it was an easy choice, perhaps too easy, because in reality, the Steeler's O-line is a porous mess, and the receiving corp, quite honestly, could be better....Hines Ward is a fucking champ, but he is getting old, there's no denying that...With rookie Mendenhall joining Willie Parker in the backfield, the Steelers might be content to just grind it out on the ground this year...

It might not matter, because looking at my team right now, I think I'm going to be starting my other QB, Jay Cutler of the Denver Broncos...He's young, he's smart, and he's got promising receivers, including my 2nd TE, Tony Scheffler, who might also end up starting for me instead of Owen Daniels...

Usually, I draft my starting TE within the first five rounds, but this year I ended up waiting until the seventh round to grab Owen Daniels of Houston...In Round 5 of our draft, both Antonio Gates and Jason Witten were grabbed ahead of my pick, and frankly, those were the only two TEs I considered good enough to take that early, so when they were gone, my decision was once again made for me...I briefly considered grabbing Tony Gonzalez with that 5th pick, but he's now the oldest active TE in the NFL, and he's playing for a KC offense that may very well be a mess this year...He served me well last year, but that was last year...

So I grabbed another WR with my fifth pick, Greg Jennings of my own beloved Green Bay Packers...It may have been a risky pick considering that Aaron Rodgers is now the Packers' QB, but Jennings has proven to me that he's got the potential to be a truly elite NFL receiver, and if nothing else, he's the best Packer receiver, and wouldn't ya know it, he grabbed a 60 yard TD pass on the first drive of tonight's pre-season game against the Titans...

Yeah, add Anthony Gonzalez, my 10th pick, into the mix, and I believe I've got a dynamite receiving situation this year...TE and QB, maybe not so much, but ya can't always have it all...

Elsewhere...

New York Jets' RB Thomas Jones in the 8th round? It was absurd when I saw he was still available with the 73rd pick, and it's absurd even now...With Brett Favre at QB in NYC, and future Hall-Of-Fame guard Alan Faneca on their line this year, Thomas Jones could bounce back and have a stellar season...Could...And if he does, I don't see any reason why our beloved Rough Ryders won't be charging hard towards the FICL title...

In Pittsburgh and Jacksonville I have two of the best six defensive units in the NFL...Plus, as I've mentioned many times before, the Steelers are my second most beloved NFL team after the Packers...Having said that, Jacksonville might very well win out in the long run...It will likely come down to which team faces the most inept offense each weekend, and the Jaguars definitely have a much easier schedule than the Steelers do...

I definitely wanted Packer LB Nick Barnett on my team again this year, although taking him in the 12th round was silliness...He would have lasted until near the end, I reckon...

Patriot K Stephen Gostkowski was shockingly available for my 13th pick...I always draft my K in the 13th round, but I still can't believe Gostkowski, potentially the most valuable kicker in the NFL, was the eighth kicker taken when I grabbed him with my #13...Plus, he's a fellow Polack...I like most Polacks...

Marcus Trufant led the NFL in interceptions last season, if I'm not mistaken...Atari Bigby is a Green Bay Packer, he plays a bit recklessly, and has my favorite name in the NFL, although if fellow Packer DB, Scorpio Babers makes the team, I may have to rethink it...In any event, I've got a solid DB tandem...

I've also got a decent DL tandem as well...James Harrison of the Steelers, and Brian Posluszny of the Bills...Another tough Polack...

And that's about it...A blathering rundown of our beloved Winona Rough Ryders...Stay tuned to HOT POOP for weekly recaps...

HINES WARD!

Hotcha! Hank

Yeah, But It's A Dry Cold

Well, the unexpectedly amazing Green Bay Packers season has come to an end, one game short of the Super Bowl, with their heartbreaking 23-20 overtime loss to the New York Giants last night at Lambeau Field. The frozen tundra. Home of the Ice Bowl. Etc.

The temperature on the field at gametime was hovering right around zero, with windchills around 20-25 below zero. I tried to send some positive mojo to my beloved team in Green Bay by brushing the snow off my car in the driveway wearing only my Meat Puppets t-shirt, which is quite threadbare after 20 years, but apparently it wasn't quite enough mojo.

It would appear Bart Starr was trying to give some of his own potent brand of Packer mojo to Brett Favre, but even his mojo wasn't enough. No, there's not enough mojo in the whole state of Wisconsin to overcome one of Favre's inexplicable passes into coverage. Packerland lives and dies by Favre's right arm and left brain hemisphere, and last night we died, every last bitterly cold one of us.

It was a hard fought game under extreme circumstances, to be sure, but there were few highlights by either team. Ryan Grant, the best running back in the NFL in the second half of the season, who ran for 201 yards against the Seahawks just a week ago, was shut down by a now-formidable Giants defense. Indeed, the only real Packer highlight was Favre's 90 yard TD pass to Donald Driver in the second quarter, a new franchise post-season record.

Oh yeah, and the monster hit Atari Bigby (Winona Rough Ryders, holla!) put on Plaxico Burress. Fuckin' A!

Anyways, it's over, it's done. Most likely jinxed by the local media and their whole RETURN TO GLORY angle, which pre-supposed that the Packers would not only go to the Super Bowl, but actually beat the Patriots when they did. If we had Hines Ward on our team, well yeah, then I would have agreed.

But what the fuck do I know? Before the season started, I predicted the Packers would go 6-10 to finish third in the NFC North.

Hotcha! Hank

Cody Has A Goldfish That Was Born In California

In a previous post I pointed out that the reading level of HOT POOP is ELEMENTARY, my dear babycakes, according to this quick readability test I found at criticsrant, and I'm not going to dispute their conclusion, mostly because I can't, and who cares?

Besides, I will be arbitrarily dumping big random words into various posts from now on, slowly increasing the readability level of HOT POOP until this blog becomes a shining beacon of genius and it's accompanying pretensions.

Anyways, I did something tonight that I've never done before - I watched an episode of Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader. I did so because of that damn readability test, but mostly I watched AYSTA5G because of the WGA strike and the lack of 30 Rock and The Office tonight.

Carassius auratus!!!!!

Long story short, I AM smarter than a 5th grader. I'm probably not smarter than all 5th graders, but I am smarter than the fifth graders on tonight's episode, and I'm smarter than the 22 year old UCLA Surfing Professor (seriously) who took the test tonight. He balked at the question "Which US President signed this document in 1823 proclaiming that European powers would no longer be allowed to colonize in the Americas?"

I admit that I had to think about it a bit, but I did write down the correct answer on my little pink Post-It, and if I had been on the show, I would have won $100,000, and the possibility of continuing and winning the full $1,000,000.

But I'm not terribly telegenic, and I think if I met Jeff Foxworthy, I might punch him in the throat because I'm smarter than him, too.

Anyways, the questions on this show are challenging enough, if only because they involve the kind of knowledge and thought processes that I don't believe alot of adults utilize much as they get older. Things such as doing 3 digit, multiple-operation math equations in one's head, or knowing in which century William Shakespeare was born. For the record, I have serious doubts that the typical 5th grader knows when the bard was born, and none of the kids on the show knew the name of that presidential document of 1823.

I have to admit, that when they first announced the premier of this show last summer, I found it rather sad, and even a bit offensive. Is this what we've come to? Testing adults to find out if they're smarter than 5th graders? Has our educational system failed this badly?

And then I remembered the very sub-title of this blog, an old nugget from Frank Zappa...

"Information is not knowledge."

Mastering 3rd Grade Geography is not the same as navigating one's way out of a baaad situation in East St. Louis. Passing 4th grade health won't fend off chlamydia in the freshman dorms, or help you find a decent vein when yr pumping junk.

Of course, if you flip-flop all this, it still rings true.

Knowing where to score semi-automatic weapons in downtown Madison won't help me win on Jeopardy!, not to mention landing that marketing job at Oscar Mayer.

(Mmmmm, Hot Poop Filler...)

In the end, maybe an ELEMENTARY reading level is preferable for a such a pedestrian blog such as this. After all, newspapers typically write to about a 7th grade readability level, because clear, concise writing is easier for more people to understand, and isn't that what THIS is all about? Electronic populism?

HINES WARD!

Hotcha! Hank

Friday Night Filler

In my previous post, I called myself a "precious fuck" because I sometimes like to use big words to feel good about myself.

I need those validations from time to time because of shit like the above.

Then again, when I've got a blog with the word "poop" in the title, maybe this is the best I can expect.

Hines Ward!

Hotcha! Hank

Terminal Sideways Bender Maneuver

So, continuing my shallow dive into the hardcore music scene of Milwaukee circa the mid-'80's, here's a punk band outta Cream City called Sacred Order, doing a song called "Terminal Bender" on an L.A. cable access show called Media Blitz, circa 1985...

To my way of thinking, Sacred Order had the wrong name for their sound and image, as they were kinda pretty, a bit glam, and to me were cut from the same cloth as bands like the Dead Boys, New York Dolls, and Generation X...I seem to remember Sacred Order being quite popular with the girls, but to me a band called Sacred Order ought to be popular with creepy black metal dudes, you know?

HINES WARD!

Hotcha! Hank

A Hines Ward Kinda Love

I love Hines Ward.

Ya gotta love Hines Ward.

Hines Ward caught two touchdown passes this past Sunday in the Pittsburgh-Cincinnati game, giving him the most career TD receptions (64) in Steeler history. Ward had previously surpassed Lynn Swann, and now he passes John Stallworth, for the honor. Both of those receivers are in the NFL Hall Of Fame, and I think it's safe to say that one day Ward will be in Canton as well.

I love Hines Ward because he works hard. Because he's rarely missed a game (3 games, I think) due to injury in nearly a decade. Because as a receiver he runs precise routes and has extremely good hands. Because he's long been considered one of the best blocking receivers in the NFL. All of this makes him an extremely reliable target for Ben Roethlisberger, and really, the most valuable player on the Steelers' offense.

But mostly, I love Hines Ward because Hines Ward obviously loves playing football. As John Madden pointed out during the Steelers-Bengals game on Sunday night, Hines Ward is always smiling. He's smiling whether he's winning or losing, whether it's sunny, or another wet, muddy swamp at Heinz Field. Hell, I'm pretty sure he's smiling in that top photograph, that's how much this guy loves football.

And finally, it's a simple name, but a good name. Hines Ward.

I love Hines Ward because I like saying "Hines Ward".

HINES WARD!

Hotcha! Hank