HANK RANKS, No.6

The 4 News Team Slogans of Madison's Network Television Affiliates

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04: ABC 27 WKOW: "Making A Difference"

At some point in the hazy past, local news teams came to the market-driven conclusion that giving us the news simply wasn't enough, and that they needed to be our friends, and as our friends, get involved in our lives and communities in such a way that they improved our lives. Now, before you judge me as being cold and crass, let me just say that it IS good when people help people. Having said that, let me just say, I turn on the news to get the news, not to watch any number of self-serving, self-aggrandizing weeklong series about anchormen doing bike rides for deadly diseases, weathermen in soup kitchens and simply adorable kittens named McDreamy and Simba at the Park Street animal shelter. I say this as a lifelong cat-owner - just read the fucking news, Greg Jeschke, you only got 22 minutes, minus the Weather Central Microcast bullshit and Action Sports.

03: CBS 3 WISC: "Informed, Involved, In Touch"

Rather than "Making a Difference" like my friends at ABC, my other friends at CBS are "Involved". Not only are they "Involved", they're also "In Touch", and most importantly, "Informed". It's great and slick of them to put "Informed" first in their tryptych of super news powers, but in the end, there's too much touchy involvement in my life, and I'm not too cool with that. Like I said, I've already got cats, and like I haven't said, my friends don't wear suits, and many of them don't even brush their hair.

02: NBC 15 WMTV: "Coverage You Can Count On"

Now we're getting somewhere. My friends at NBC don't bother bragging about making a difference in my life, being in touch with my world, or really getting involved in any overly intimate way that I'm not cool with. Oh sure, they're still patting themselves on the back for a few minutes every broadcast, but at least they're promising Coverage. And yeah, it might be a bit touchy-feely, but I Can Count On That Coverage. Well, except for Charlie Shortino's TrueView weather forecasts.

01: FOX 47 WMSN: "Your City, Your Source"

Hell yeah, this is my city! Madtown Madison, and damn if my friends at FOX ain't claiming to be my source. Black-brimmed and trenched like some deep-throated Jack Abramoff weasel. "Your City, Your Source" hits hard, and as a slogan, can't be beat by the other three. But slogans are one thing, and affiliations, another. FOX News sucks from my vantage point, and Mark Hyman's The Point is nothing more than ninety seconds of nightly Republican Party talking points and an Honorably Discharged hairdo.