My Own Private Dual Action Cleansing

If you watch any amount of television, especially after midnight, you've undoubtedly seen this guy's goofy, over-animated, bug-eyed fucking face on yr screen. His name is Arthur P. Johnson, and along with Hugh Downs, appears in any number of informercials for Bottom Line Publications, which is currently pimping a book called Ultimate Healing.

I can't fully explain why, but whenever I run across these infomercials, I am overcome with a exceedingly strong desire to punch this guy in his face. He stirs up a primeval bile in me that defies rational thought, but I do think that if given the chance to actually jack this guy in the jaw, it may very well heal whatever may be ailing me at any given time.

And it defies all logic, but I actually want to punch Arthur P. Johnson more than I want to punch this dude, Klee Irwin, a dude that looks like a serial rapist and/or Steve Buscemi. Klee Irwin pimps something called Dual Action Cleanse, some sort of "medical formula" that promises to get all the toxic shit outta yr bowels and into yr bowl. At one point in one of his infomercials, Mr. Irwin talks at length about inspecting one of his 4-year-old daughter's bowel movements, and marvels at the size of it. Weird, creepy stuff, to be sure, but I'd rather punch Klee Irwin's name than his face. And I say that as someone who has always liked and admired the art of Paul Klee.

In any event, the first 300 responses to this post will receive TWO FREE GIFTS.*

Hotcha! Hank

*Offer not valid anywhere, at any time.