19 October 2009

Sideways Maneuver Just Wants To Be Your Everything

Only a manchild as sexy as Andy Gibb could get away with wearing an unzipped satin cricket jacket, even in 1977. 78% of male America was unbuttoning their shirts back then, due in no small part to cocaine, and it was simply a bad decision for all of 'em, save Andy and possibly two of his older Gibb brothers from the BeeGees...Linda Ronstadt coulda pulled it off, if it wasn't for her perky tits. America was almost as afraid of perky tits back then as we are today.

But I digress.

I think this video proves my long-held theory (nay, belief), that the bigger one's teeth, the bigger the success. Whiteness certainly counts, but size matters most. Try thinking of a famous person with small teeth. I can't, but I don't really want to right now.

I digress.

I might be wrong, but I'm fairly certain Andy Gibb was singlehandedly responsible (Rex Smith and Shaun Cassidy probably factor, but barely enough to mention) for my sister Starsky going through puberty when she was 10 years old, and what I mean, you pervert, is that he exuded soooo much sexiness on his album covers and posters and Tiger Beat photo spreads and appearances on American Bandstand that my sister literally willed herself to become a woman. That's fucking sexy, babycakes, and Andy had it 100%. The only man who possibly had that much sex power in 1977 was Burt Reynolds, but he wasn't for the little girls like Andy was. Burt was for the ladies, like my mom, who had her copy of Cosmo with the naked centerfold neatly tucked at the bottom of her stack of cooking and sewing magazines in the dining room. It was the only copy of Cosmo she ever owned, such was the power of Burt on the housewives of that decade, but now I'm really digressing...

Hotcha! Hank

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