21 January 2008


7 National Chain Stores I've Never Set Foot Inside In My Entire Life


07: BW-3 (Buffalo Wild Wings)
Listen, I like, and even love, chicken wings as much as the next drunken, fat-assed American, and there's a BW-3 on State Street here in Madison that I walk past every time I go to B-Side Records and Pipefitters, but I've never felt the desire to stop there for lunch, even though several friends and a couple of co-workers have raved about the place. Usually if I'm in the mood for Buffalo wings, I make my own at home, or get some delivered from Pizza Extreme, which makes a helluva good Jamaican Jerk wing.

06: Ikea
I don't buy much furniture, but when I do, it's usually from Goodwill or a garage sale. It's cheap, just like Ikea, but it's typically much more durable, and probably not designed by Scandinavians. It's not that I don't like the people of Denmark and Sweden, but the Norwegians can go fuck themselves, and the Finnish can all go rot in hell.

05: Red Lobster
I'm mildly allergic to lobster and shrimp. My throat half-closes and it gets sore and "sour" rather quickly. This really isn't a good excuse for never eating at a Red Lobster, cuz obviously I could just eat some sort of fish, or even scallops or oysters, which I'm not allergic to, even though you'd think I would be, considering the lobster/shrimp allergy. But no, I've never taken a date to Red Lobster, nor have any friends or girlfriends ever invited me, and that includes the many formal dances I attended in high school, a time when a dinner date came first, and places like Red Lobster were considered "classy".

04: Home Depot
I've been a renter all my life, which precludes me from having to do much home repair or renovation, which isn't to say I'm not handy with tools, because I actually am, thanks to my dad, who is quite accomplished at TV and radio repair, cabinetry and general woodworking, and auto repair, among many other things. I learned an awful lot from him as a boy, and can generally solve and fix mechanical problems if I'm so inclined. Generally, I'm not inclined. But at those times when I do need tools or supplies for some fix-it project, I go to a locally-owned hardware store. Mostly cuz the daughter of the owner is cute.

03: Tower Records
If I'm not mistaken, Tower Records claimed bankruptcy a couple of years ago and there are no longer any brick'n'mortar stores, so this is definitely one chain store I'll never get to visit. They do have an online presence, but I've never looked around. I don't see the point, which might sound a bit surprising if you knew exactly how huge my record collection truly is.

02: Circuit City
I've never seen the point in shopping at Circuit City, mainly because there's almost always a Best Buy within a quarter mile, and for all my Chinese-made electronics and cheap, mainstream CDs and DVDs, Best Buy has always served me well enough.

01: Cinnabon
Trust me, I'm not one to say "no" to most baked goods, especially of the sweet variety, but I've never stopped at a Cinnabon at any mall I've ever visited. Which isn't to say I've never had one of their cinnamon rolls, because once upon a time I had a weed dealer who's girlfriend worked at one, and she was always bringing 'em home with her. They're fucking amazing, even when they're a day or three old, but despite their awesomeness, I've never stopped to buy some of my own at the mall (which is the only place I've ever seen Cinnabon stores). It is for this unreasonable reason that they're #1 on this particular list.

Hotcha! Hank

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