HANK RANKS No. 27

29 Chicks On Bass

If I've learned anything at Jezebel, it's that plenty of women of today don't like the term "chick", but then again, I suppose plenty of women weren't too keen on that word long before there were websites where they could voice their disdain...Now, I don't think there is a blinding hatred for the term "chick", but among women who care about the soft misogyny of this kind of word, I believe "annoyed" might be the proper adjective. Now, "chickie" might elicit a more heated response, but this ain't the Rat Pack era, and nobody really uses that term anymore...

So, maybe I'm some sort of tool for calling women "chicks", but I'm a tool that reads Jezebel...

I'm also a dude who posted a picture of Ali Larter's ass two days ago, so who the hell knows what to make of all this except I'm making entirely too much of all this...

Here's the thing, babycakes (a term of endearment I often use that is directed at both genders) - "chick" isn't really meant as a demeaning, belittling term - not by me, and I dare say, not by most men who use the word liberally in casual conversation...It's nothing more and nothing less than a female version of "dude", and I don't believe there's a dude alive who gets offended when other dudes (and chicks) call him "dude".

And here's where we get to the tender heart of this matter - women who play bass in rock bands are exactly the kind of women who deserve to be called "chicks", who often get called "chicks", and who have really earned the right, I'd say. Most of the women I've known who might rightly be called "chicks" were pretty fucking righteous, and yeah, a couple of 'em played bass (thanks to Kim Deal). I wasn't cool enough to get close to most of 'em, and the two or three I managed to attract didn't stay interested for long.

Those are chicks.

I could have listed more than 29 chicks on bass. Alot more, but I think at 29, I've made some sort of point. That point being - damn, there are a hella lot of chicks who play bass. Why is that? Maybe Billy Corgan could give us a clue - he's had at least three chicks working the low end for him over the years...

How many chicks are there on bass? So many that I came up with the band name ...And You Shall Know Us By The Chick On Bass, which is somewhere on my NAME THAT BAND list...

Anyways...The #1 all-time greatest chick on bass was never in question, and nows a good time to mention that I do believe that "the world moves on a woman's hips"...

The rest are ranked according to a complex matrix of musical ability, historical importance, personal taste, sex appeal, units shifted, footwear, and caprice.

See below...

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29: Sean Yseult: White Zombie
28: Donna Dresch: Team Dresch
27: Kristin Pfaff: Hole
26: Jill Cuniff: Luscious Jackson
25: Suzi Quatro: solo artist
24: Josephine Wiggs: The Breeders
23: Vicki Blue: The Runaways
22: Tracy Wormworth: The Waitresses, The B-52's
21: Maya Ford: The Donnas
20: Rachel Haden: That Dog, The Rentals, Todd Rundgren
19: Melissa Auf der Maur: Hole, Smashing Pumpkins
18: Gina Birch: The Raincoats
17: Paz Lenchantin: A Perfect Circle, Zwan
16: Jennifer Finch: L7
15: Johnette Napolitano: Concrete Blonde
14: Kathy Valentine: The Go-Go's
13: Meshell Ndegeocello: solo artist
12: Naomi Yang: Galaxy 500, Damon & Naomi
11: Britta Phillips: Luna, Dean & Britta
10: Laura Ballance: Superchunk
09: D'Arcy Wretzky: Smashing Pumpkins
08: Tessa Pollitt: The Slits
07: Kim Gordon: Sonic Youth, Free Kitten, Ciccone Youth
06: Nikki Monninger: Silversun Pickups
05: Kim Deal: The Pixies, The Breeders, The Amps
04: Micki Steele: The Runaways, The Bangles
03: Kira Roessler: Black Flag, Dos
02: Sara Lee: Gang Of Four, The B-52's
01: Tina Weymouth: Talking Heads

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 103

Steely Dan: Pretzel Logic: "Any Major Dude Will Tell You" [mp3]

I think we'd all agree that there are different kinds of dudes...

My neighbor Jeff has the tattoos and gear to suggest he used to ride a Harley, and probably did some time in the drunktank and county/state lockup once or twice in his younger years...I haven't asked...He's a kind of dude...The kind you don't ask too many question...

My neighbor on the other side, Andy, wears NBA gear and did some time in a fraternity at UW-Oshkosh...He's the kind of dude who plays beer pong and online poker, and when he shoots hoops on his driveway, he pumps Jay-Z and whatnot from the booming system in his enormous and shiny black Ford F-250 pickup truck...In a college town like Madison, there are tons of these dudes...

I'm a third kind of dude, right in the middle of these other two dudes...I smoke a pipe and try to abide, you know? I'm the kind of dude who wears a bathrobe and goattee, and believes that a solid Steely Dan mix can bring a room together as well as a good rug...

Mr. Bryant down on the corner of my street is a retired Army Captain...That's one rank below Major, but believe me, old man Bryant is a major dude...Just imagine Jack Bauer at 60...Totally a major dude...

That's four different kinds of dudes on just my block...

Anyways...100 years ago, a true dude was a rich and ostentatious man-about-town who was crass and stupid...Ill-mannered and poorly-educated...

Nowadays, chicks can be dudes (though I'd never call 'em "dudettes"), and dudes are everywhere...Or maybe it just seems that way because so many dudes call everyone else a "dude" cuz pop culture makes us...I know I call dudes "dudes", and I call chicks "chicks", cuz that's the kind of dude I am, man...

Hotcha! Hank