24 December 2008

A Message To The People Of Stubbington, Hampshire

Are you people nuts?!? You don't stand around idly gawking in awe at a purple fucking squirrel! And you certainly don't name him "Pete"!! Yes, I realize this thing is hanging around the grounds of Meoncross School, and it's bad enough that the kids find him cute and harmless, but allowing them to name the nasty creature is only asking for true and lasting emotional trauma when this thing that they love and have humanized turns viciously on one of them, and trust me, this thing will...My point is, you never make friends with a purple fucking squirrel!!!
If you see a purple fucking squirrel you do two things...
FIRST - You run away as fast as possible without looking back. In this case, you close down that school immediately, lock it up, and then...
SECONDLY - You kill the damn thing. You don't even trap it, you kill it. In this case, the best marksmen on the local police force should use a 12 gauge shotgun with a full choke, and some 4 (or even 3) Buckshot...Yes, I know the common wisdom is using 5 or 6 shot, but this is a purple fucking squirrel, and you want him dead, in several large pieces, so have the constable use something meant for a much larger animal. If he uses the conventional 5 or 6 shot, you might as well just give all the kids at Meoncross some BB guns and let them take futile potshots at "Pete" from their classroom windows.
My point is - now is no time to be cute or conservative. Full-choke 12 gauge buckshot, right now. And after the marksmen is sure the thing is dead, have him blast the head one last time with a slug.
No mercy for purple fucking squirrels!!!!!
Hotcha! Hank

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