Judging Judges

In past years, I never watched American Idol. I took a small taste of the show way back in Season One (the year Kelly Clarkson won America's heart), just to see what it was all about. In general, I wasn't impressed by what I saw, and so I never watched it again. I wouldn't even stop for 5 seconds when I was flipping through the channels, that's how disagreeable I was to the entire endeavor. And of course, when it comes to television, I typically believe that "shit floats", and the rampant, nearly unprecedented popularity of American Idol suggested to me that the show was/is as pointlessly craptastic as I had thought when I took that first small taste.

But here we are in Season 7, and I must admit, that I've been watching American Idol this year, even though it is still as pointless as crappy to me as it ever was. And I've been trying to figure out WHY I've been watching this season, and the best answer I can come up with is that the show is sooooo outrageously incapable of recognizing actual talent that I feel compelled to tune in, just to see how wrong America, and those three judges, can get it.

Of course, my first mistake is actually believing that this is a pure talent competition, rather than the popularity contest that it is. Oh sure, the eventual winners of each season have decent voices, but I would argue (based upon what I've heard) that the first winner, Kelly Clarkson, had the best voice of them all, and each season has seen a slight decline in vocal abilities.

But, this isn't quite what this post is about.

This is about the judges on the show, prompted by Paula Abdul's behavior on last night's episode, which you've probably read about all over the internet already.

Essentially, Paula offered criticism for a non-existent performance. She gave her "notes" to Jason Castro, saying that while she like his performance of the first of two Neil Diamond songs, the second performance lacked charm, and didn't impress her. The problem is - up to that midpoint of the show, Jason Castro had only performed one song.

There was alot of awkwardness all around, which is to be expected, and her ultimate "excuse" was that she got her notecards mixed up, and that her criticism of Castro's second performance was meant for David Cook.

Jump ahead a few seconds, and the judges are then asked who they felt were the strongest performers thus far that night...Paula's response was "David Cook", except if we are to believe her excuse for the Castro snafu, it was Cook who lacked charm and didn't impress her.

???

This all kinda gets to my trite and tepid thoughts on this show and it's judges.

Randy Jackson is useless. His criticisms are nothing more than empty platitudes, such as "I feel ya, dawg" and "you're in your zone, baby". He talks alot about pitch and "pitchiness", but that just seems like a polite way of saying "you're not a very good singer". Useless. The problem here is - he's a noted bass player who has played for a ton of artists over the years, and has built an impressive resume. He's also a decent record producer, and has ample experience as a record label exec. However, he's not very good at articulating his thoughts on American Idol, and thus his meager criticisms hold almost no weight. It's a shame that his impressive background doesn't translate at all to this show. In other words - get rid of him in favor of somebody who can offer more than "feel ya, dawg".

Paula Abdul is even more useless, but at least she's half-insane. Again, she's full of little more than meaningless platitudes, and seems to favor those who are somehow adorable. Her meltdown last night was proof positive that she contributes absolutely nothing to the show because she can't even discern between two singers, and apparently her notes to herself are meaningless. David Cook was charmless and unimpressive in her eyes one minute, and the next he was her favorite performer of the night. I suppose we shouldn't expect more from a woman who's only meaningful accomplishments are of the dancing/choreography variety, because when she herself had a singing career, it wasn't because she could sing. In fact, she was a pretty horrible singer who definitely relied on whatever pitch-correction gear and audio sweeteners were available to her 15-20 years ago. If Randy were judging her, he'd definitely be calling her "pitchy". So, why the fuck is a dancer critiquing a bunch of singers? Especially a dancer who is either a drug addict or a complete headcase...

And then there's Simon Cowell. I actually like Simon because he doesn't really pull any punches in his criticisms. The problem is - his criticisms are often enough sooo divorced from reality that it makes me wonder and believe that this entire show (well, this season anyways) is completely rigged. Simon loves David Archuleta. Loves him despite the fact that David Archuleta isn't even among the best dozen singers who competed this year, and yet, here he is, in the final five, and I'd be willing to bet that when the smoke clears on this season, David Archuleta will be the winner. Simon praises Archuleta 95% of the time, but I find it hard to believe that Simon, who seemingly has good ears and good taste, actually believes the kid can sing. The kid ain't bad, but he certainly isn't good enough to be a finalist. I just don't get it.

Well, actually I do. This is a popularity contest, not a singing contest, and Archuleta is insanely popular with the tween/teen crowd. You know - those same kids who are currently turning Miley Cyrus into a billionaire.

Which naturally, makes this entire post trite and useless. I understand that it's all about which contestant can eventually push the most units for SONY (all or most AI winners have recording contracts with Sony-BMG), but I'd still like to believe this show is about actual talent.

In that respect, I'm the most useless moron of them all.

Hotcha, dawgs! Hank

Has It Come To This?

This is my third post about Miley Cyrus in the past year. I am not exactly proud of this fact, and no, it doesn't reveal any sort of deviant thoughts on my part, but rather, that I don't think the girl is talented, attractive, or deserving of her insane fame and wealth. The problem is - I can't quite seem to avoid seeing and hearing her everywhere, all the time, and I fear I can't escape her unless I totally get myself "off the grid", which simply ain't gonna happen.


There is a media firestorm of sorts right now regarding that picture up above, and considering all the pious handwringing going on right now about how the poor girl has been manipulated by Vanity Fair and Annie Leibovitz, well, I thought I'd throw my two cents into the meaningless fray.


The only people being manipulated by any of this are you and me.


In showbiz, a picture like that is not used/published without first being fully approved by Miley, her parents, her agent, publicist, and/or whomever else is responsible for vetting such things. If the Cyrus camp doesn't like and approve the image, it simply isn't used. But it obviously was used, so it was obviously approved. Furthermore, her entire family, as well as said publicist, was present at the photo shoot in question.


A day or two after the photos were released, Miley Cyrus herself expressed "embarrassment" in a press release. The key words here are "press release". It is a part of the entire publicity process surrounding the photos and the Vanity Fair article in which the photos ultimately were used, and based on the shitstorm that is now brewing in our culture, I would have to say that it has been an insanely effective PR campaign. Miley's supposed embarrassment was the match that ignited this entire shitstorm, and she and her people threw the match onto the fire themselves.


In essence, Miley Cyrus wants to have her cake and eat it too. She doesn't want to lose her pre-teen/tween/teen fanbase, but she's also now approaching the point in her career when she wants to crossover into mainstream pop culture and start attracting adult fans. Thus, in the coming months and years, we're going to see less of her flashing a peace sign, and more of this:

Because, you know, flashing the rocker's devil horns is a sure sign of adulthood. Plus, more and more pictures show her sticking out her tongue in a vaguely sexual/Gene Simmons manner. Miley can feign embarrassment all she wants, but we must remember that all of this has been carefully orchestrated, and like I said before, you and I, the pop culture consuming masses, are the one's being manipulated.

So, we end up with alot of parents supposedly upset by the suggestive nature of the photograph. There isn't much skin showing, sure, but the common complaint is that she has a come-hither look on her face, and the sheet suggests that she's naked in bed, which is not the kind of image and idea these parents want their children exposed to.

I would argue that these parents shouldn't be allowing their kids to be consuming Miley's shitty brand of "art" to begin with, but I'm not a parent, and I'm guessing it's near-impossible to keep one's kids away from this kind of thing to begin with because kids have absolutely no taste.

I don't know where to go with this blathering rant of mine, or how to end it. I'll just reiterate my only point that you and I are the only ones being manipulated and exploited by any of this. After all, I just spent about 20 minutes writing this useless post, and presumably you just read it.

Hotcha! Hank

I'm Looking Through You

Just remember, kids - the Vietnam War didn't end until about 9 years after the hippie movement started getting it's foothold in 1966, so your time might be better spent working hard in school or at a decent job, if you can find one right now, or just hanging out with yr buds.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - yeah, indulge in all the sex and drugs and rock'n'roll that you can handle, but please, don't bother dressing it all up into some kind of movement of great social and political importance, because really, you'll only be fooling yourself.

And to all the young starlets in Hollywood - enough with the fucking peace sign. It's just another accessory, like a Fendi purse. Stylish, yes, but full of shit.

Hotcha! Hank

Give Peace A Rest

It would appear that Miley Cyrus is just as sick and bored of flashing the peace sign as we are of seeing her doing it.

Of course, when one flashes the peace sign because it looks good in photo-ops, and not because one actually, you know, believes and wants peace in our time, boredom and resignation are bound to creep onto one's face.

Hotcha! Hank