RE: C-C-C-C-C-Cocaine!

I don't wanna dwell on this whole "Cocaine Miley" thing, but I think these pupils can be accurately described as "dilated", made even more suspicious considering the bright lights

shining in her Hollywood eyes in this photo...

This will be my final speculation on the subject, deciding that I have no clue as to the recreational activities of Hannah Montana. This will probably not be my last post about her, however, because that whole peace sign thing really does piss me off...

And as I've said before, maybe the Miley Cyrus tag will drive some traffic towards HOT POOP...

Hotcha! Hank

C-C-C-C-C-Cocaine!

I'm totally bored at work today, which is a rare thing actually, because I'm usually rather busy. I'm pretty sure I'm not busy today because I kicked so much ass yesterday, and not only got everything done that I needed to do, but actually got some tasks done in advance, so who knows, I may be totally bored at work for the rest of the week. I should probably take a vacation day or two, especially since I've got 200 hours of vacation time accumulated at the moment.

So, being as fucking bored as I am this afternoon, I found myself trolling some celebrity blogs, where I ran across yet another picture of Miley Cyrus flashing the paps her trademark peace sign, which really annoys the fucking hell outta me for reasons I don't know, and believe me, I've spent waaaaaaaaaaay more time than I ever should thinking about why it pisses me off.

Anyways, while staring at this picture, I realized that all of Miley's fingernails are chewed down to the nub, except for the pinky finger on her right hand (I think it's a fake nail, but whatever). Now, back in the day, it was fashionable for cokeheads to grow one (or both) of their pinky fingernails long so that they could easily scoop up a healthy pile of that marching powder for sniffing, and I'm here today to posit the idea that Miley Cyrus herself, all 15 or 16 years of her, is a cokehead.

And why not? What else is she going to spend her $700 million fortune on, if not expensive drugs? Besides, her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, who is an absolute tool with even less talent than Miley herself. If I were Ms. Cyrus, I'd be taking even harder drugs than cocaine, that's for sure. Hell, I'm so bored right now, a little coke would be a godsend.

God, are you there? It's me, Hank. Could you drop an 8-ball on my desk while I go get another Sunny D outta the vending machine?

Ach, who am I kidding...God doesn't share his stash.

Ach, who am I kidding...God doesn't exist. If s/he did, we wouldn't have to look at fucking Miley Cyrus flashing us that fucking peace sign all the time, and coke would be more affordable.

Hotcha! Hank

Covering Covers # 7

So, there's Ozzy, flashing the peace signs on the cover of an album that is a somewhat conceptual song cycle about love gone wrong, isolation, changes, death, cocaine, religions both pagan and organized, and if that sounds kinda heady, keep in mind that Ozzy's lyrics were never much more complicated than what you might find in a 15 year old's secret notebook, especially when they concerned love gone wrong...

But his words don't matter so much when the riffs are so fucking heavy...

On the other hand, Volume 4 has the echo noodlings of "FX", the gentle faux flamenco and synthetic strings of "Laguna Sunrise", and the stately electric piano of "Changes"...

But to get to my point, Black Sabbath got wrongly tagged as some sort of Satan-Worshipping motherfuckers from the very start, when the message Ozzy was mostly peddling is that the world's a cruel cruel place, women aren't much better, God ain't gonna help you (and neither is Satan, chump!), drugs are fun until they're not, and eventually they aren't, and in the end there's death for you and me and all our friends...

The thing is, if you've watched only one episode of The Osbournes, you know that Ozzy is a genuinely good and smart man who found a woman who can be cruel to everybody in the world except Ozzy, a woman who ran his business and took care of his money and helped him sober up and built a small empire outta her man, and built a brand...OZZFEST! THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TELEVISION SHOW!! And now these...

Sharon Osbourne, in cooperation with Converse Shoes, gave her man and the rest of us these "massive kicks" as the kids and one of the dudes on our Tech Support team likes to say...

When I saw the full-page ad for these shoes in the most recent issue of Alternative Press the wad of cinnamon chiclets fell outta my mouth. After the initial shock wore off, I thought, well, if there's gotta be a Sabbath shoe, I suppose this has gotta be it...

Paranoid might be their most popular album, but it's a picture of a goofy pink swordsman, and only fairies would wear boots like these, as Ozzy all but said himself on "Faries Wear Boots"...

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath wouldn't work because it's too busy, and it's a soul-rape scene...

Sabotage is one of the ugliest album covers in rock history because it features a mirrored-image of one of the ugliest bands in rock history...

No, this image from Volume 4 is the best, and only Sabbath cover that (almost) works on the side of a cheaply made tennis shoe...

The question is - is it a truly iconic image? Ancillary question - An image actually worthy of a shoe?

Not really. Sabbath's most iconic cover is probably that goofy pink swordsman on the cover of Paranoid, but only cuz it's so damn goofy, and it is Black Sabbath's most popular longplayer...

If this Volume 4 image is iconic, it's because of its high-contrast simplicity and nothing more...

I mean, the idea of Ozzy flashing the peace sign on the cover of an album full of woefully bleak shit is an indication that this image is meaningless...Maybe it's got something to do with Vietnam, but in the end, it has as much poignancy as Miley Cyrus and her own peace sign waving...

Finally, if this image is accurate, then they flipped the image backwards on the shoe, and as a fetishist of album covers and whatnot, this is a shame, whether it was intentional or not.

But hey, we're living in a post-album culture, so what does it matter?

Hotcha! Hank

Gag Me With A Sideways Maneuver

1982, and Moon Unit Zappa is 14 years old when "Valley Girl" hit the Billboard Top 40, the only Frank Zappa song to ever do so...

Here we are in 2008, and Hannah Montana is perhaps the biggest pop star in the universe...

Ahhh, the more things change, the more the choreography stays the same...

The only difference is - Miley Cyrus will never chart with a song about toenail clippings...

I'm so sure...

Hotcha! Hank

Has It Come To This?

This is my third post about Miley Cyrus in the past year. I am not exactly proud of this fact, and no, it doesn't reveal any sort of deviant thoughts on my part, but rather, that I don't think the girl is talented, attractive, or deserving of her insane fame and wealth. The problem is - I can't quite seem to avoid seeing and hearing her everywhere, all the time, and I fear I can't escape her unless I totally get myself "off the grid", which simply ain't gonna happen.


There is a media firestorm of sorts right now regarding that picture up above, and considering all the pious handwringing going on right now about how the poor girl has been manipulated by Vanity Fair and Annie Leibovitz, well, I thought I'd throw my two cents into the meaningless fray.


The only people being manipulated by any of this are you and me.


In showbiz, a picture like that is not used/published without first being fully approved by Miley, her parents, her agent, publicist, and/or whomever else is responsible for vetting such things. If the Cyrus camp doesn't like and approve the image, it simply isn't used. But it obviously was used, so it was obviously approved. Furthermore, her entire family, as well as said publicist, was present at the photo shoot in question.


A day or two after the photos were released, Miley Cyrus herself expressed "embarrassment" in a press release. The key words here are "press release". It is a part of the entire publicity process surrounding the photos and the Vanity Fair article in which the photos ultimately were used, and based on the shitstorm that is now brewing in our culture, I would have to say that it has been an insanely effective PR campaign. Miley's supposed embarrassment was the match that ignited this entire shitstorm, and she and her people threw the match onto the fire themselves.


In essence, Miley Cyrus wants to have her cake and eat it too. She doesn't want to lose her pre-teen/tween/teen fanbase, but she's also now approaching the point in her career when she wants to crossover into mainstream pop culture and start attracting adult fans. Thus, in the coming months and years, we're going to see less of her flashing a peace sign, and more of this:

Because, you know, flashing the rocker's devil horns is a sure sign of adulthood. Plus, more and more pictures show her sticking out her tongue in a vaguely sexual/Gene Simmons manner. Miley can feign embarrassment all she wants, but we must remember that all of this has been carefully orchestrated, and like I said before, you and I, the pop culture consuming masses, are the one's being manipulated.

So, we end up with alot of parents supposedly upset by the suggestive nature of the photograph. There isn't much skin showing, sure, but the common complaint is that she has a come-hither look on her face, and the sheet suggests that she's naked in bed, which is not the kind of image and idea these parents want their children exposed to.

I would argue that these parents shouldn't be allowing their kids to be consuming Miley's shitty brand of "art" to begin with, but I'm not a parent, and I'm guessing it's near-impossible to keep one's kids away from this kind of thing to begin with because kids have absolutely no taste.

I don't know where to go with this blathering rant of mine, or how to end it. I'll just reiterate my only point that you and I are the only ones being manipulated and exploited by any of this. After all, I just spent about 20 minutes writing this useless post, and presumably you just read it.

Hotcha! Hank

I'm Looking Through You

Just remember, kids - the Vietnam War didn't end until about 9 years after the hippie movement started getting it's foothold in 1966, so your time might be better spent working hard in school or at a decent job, if you can find one right now, or just hanging out with yr buds.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - yeah, indulge in all the sex and drugs and rock'n'roll that you can handle, but please, don't bother dressing it all up into some kind of movement of great social and political importance, because really, you'll only be fooling yourself.

And to all the young starlets in Hollywood - enough with the fucking peace sign. It's just another accessory, like a Fendi purse. Stylish, yes, but full of shit.

Hotcha! Hank

Give Peace A Rest

It would appear that Miley Cyrus is just as sick and bored of flashing the peace sign as we are of seeing her doing it.

Of course, when one flashes the peace sign because it looks good in photo-ops, and not because one actually, you know, believes and wants peace in our time, boredom and resignation are bound to creep onto one's face.

Hotcha! Hank

Hollywood Death Mask

Miley Cyrus is 15 years old, and already she appears to be wearing a Hollywood Death Mask™.

The eyes...Those fucking eyes!

She is either possessed by The Walt Disney Company, or she is a succubus herself. A porcelain robot succubus with the shiniest and curliest of wigs.

Either way...Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

And I'm not necessarily saying that Miley Cyrus has had any "work" done, but her lips do look rather amphibian in that Tinseltown way...

But I'm really not here to trash the young woman...The entertainment industry is a demanding beast, and the science behind red carpet lighting, flash photography, and make-up artistry is a complex and unforgiving bitch matrix, you know?

But still, those eyes...Look away! LOOK AWAY!!

Hotcha! Hank