On The Eighth Day Of Christmas

I give to thee...EIGHT AMAZINGLY ACCURATE PREDICTIONS FOR 2009 AND BEYOND...

[Wagering implied]

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

01: In defiant response to the passing of Proposition 8 in California, the Academy Of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences awards the Oscar for BEST ACTOR to Sean Penn for his portrayal of gay activist and politician, Harvey Milk in the film Milk. Sorry Mickey Rourke, although it's always an honor to even be nominated, isn't that what they say?

02: President Barack Obama is attacked by a gang of squirrels while taking a smoke break out in the White House rose garden...Secret Service agents are able to eliminate the small and furious attackers before the president is seriously hurt, but NOT before the entire scene is captured on a Sony DCR-HC62 MiniDV camcorder by a tourist from Houston, who's identity isn't coming to me at this time. This young man will become famous, however, when he sells the footage to YouTube for $600,000.

03: Paris Hilton will suddenly and unexpectedly marry David Lee Roth, and their honeymoon will be the basis for a reality show on VH1. The dynamite ratings will naturally lead to a second season, in which the couple record and album together and talk about having a baby...Paris wants a kid just like her old friend Nicole Ritchie, but it seems Diamond Dave's sperm aren't nearly as lively as they used to be...Stay tuned, babycakes, in Season Three we find out whether or not DLR has what it takes to knock up his all-American princess once and for all...

04: Spring flooding of the Mississippi River devastates farmland along the river, and in cities such as Dubuque and Burlington, Iowa, and St. Louis, Missouri...REO Speedwagon write and record a charity song about lost corn crops which fails to generate any interest among the general population.

05: The Carolina Panthers will defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers, 20 to 16 in Super Bowl XLIII at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida on February 1st, 2009. During Bruce Springsteen & The E-Street Band's halftime performance there will NOT be a wardrobe malfunction, however Clarence Clemons will purposefully whip out his dick on stage during "The Promised Land" portion of the second medley. A 3 second delay is enough to keep the footage off the air, but in March an unedited version starts showing up on P2P network filesharing sites, and soon becomes an internet sensation...Naturally Christian and Pro-Family groups are outraged, but the FCC has no idea who to sue.

06: In May, actor George Clooney is horribly disfigured in a freak deep-frying accident. A series of complicated facial-transplant surguries leave him looking like Kevin Spacey.

07: Sometime in the first half of 2009 this very HOT POOP blog will begin to use Google Adsense. As a result, I will make 16 cents a month from this site, and can finally put "professional blogger" on my business card.

08: Scientists in Finland will make the startling discovery that puppies cause cancer. Two months later the less-startling discovery will be made that those Finnish scientists were funded by Cat Fancy Magazine to try boosting their subscription base. Ultimately, however, they will be vindicated when several other unbiased scientific teams determine that yes, puppies do indeed cause cancer, as well as Type II Diabetes.

Hotcha! Hank

SPACEY! UPDATE!

Well, it's been 4 months since my last update on Kevin Spacey's plastic surgery disaster, and more than a year since the heralded American actor originally had the work done, so I thought now would be a good time to check in on Mr. Spacey, and see how things are going...

In a word, not very fucking well at all.

Spacey and his doctors held a small, impromptu press conference from his hospital room in Costa Rica, where they revealed that the actor's skull is now rejecting the various nips and tucks and whatnot. More specifically, his zygomatic bones are rejecting a pair of silicone implants, which I probably should have just written as "cheek bones" to begin with, but you know, sometimes I can be a precious fuck who likes to validate himself by using big words grabbed from the fluttering remnants of my state school education...

But don't we all?

Anyways, his cheek bones are rejecting the cheek implants. And his jawbone is rejecting the pig bone chin graft. As you can see in the photograph, all these rejections have created a very noticeable mask-like effect, and supposedly these recent developments are causing major concerns at Warner Brothers regarding the upcoming sequel to Superman Returns, wherein Spacey plays Lex Luthor. According to a source at Warner, if Spacey's condition doesn't radically improve by spring, Nicolas Cage is primed to step into the role.

I've always liked Kevin Spacey, and I really do hope things turn around for him soon.

I mean, Nic Cage as Luthor? What kind of world are we living in?

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday Filler

Back in October I posted about Kevin Spacey's recent plastic surgery, and what a disaster it ended up being. Here we are, nine months later, and I'm happy to report that there have been improvements to Spacey's "condition". He's still not pretty, but he is prettier.

Hotcha! Hank

Lesson Learned

You know, I was thinking about having some plastic surgery done - nothing too drastic, just cheek implants, nostril reduction, and maybe some collagen injections for my lips - but after seeing the aftermath of Kevin Spacey's recent plastic surgery disaster, I think I'm just gonna leave my incredibly handsome face alone. I mean, Kevin Spacey was never the most attractive man, but quite frankly, now he's ruined.

Hotcha! Hank