20 July 2006

The Little F*cking Lebowski

The Big Lebowski is one of my favorite films, but my fast-paced, well-financed party lifestyle doesn't always afford me the time to sit and savor it's many f*cking joys. Thankfully, this concise version, clocking in at little more than two minutes, delivers a fucking abundance of curses to keep me satiated, but without the annoyance of Joel and Ethan Coen's hilarious and clever script.

Fuckin' Hotcha!

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18 July 2006

RIP Mickey Spillane

I don't really have anything important or pithy to say about hard-boiled crime writer Mickey Spillane except that I did enjoy the two or three books of his I did read many years ago. Instead, I offer this - a Mad Magazine cartoon depicting what it might have been like if Spillane had written the Nancy cartoon. Enjoy, and rest in peace, Mr. Spillane.


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17 July 2006

Real Life Fables

Moments after this photo was taken, the mouse (with it's lethal, venomous tail) stung the frog, and as the frog was sinking and dying, cried "Mouse! You fool! Why? Now we both shall die."

The mouse replied, "I cannot help myself. It is my nature."

Both the frog and the mouse perished in the murky depths.

The moral of the story is, of course - frogs are stupid and mice are deadly evil, though both kinda taste like chicken.

Hotcha! Hank

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Hell Comes To America

Is it hot by you, my fellow Americans? I'll tell ya what, it's hotter than fucking fuck here in Madison, Wisconsin...

It's so fucking hot here in Madison that my balls fell off. Ayup! Plop, they just dropped, and before I could scoop 'em back up, they melted and fell through the gaps between the boards on the smoking deck at work.

It's so fucking hot here in Madison that my cigarettes are lighting themselves. "Spontaneous combustion", I believe the scientists call it.

It's so fucking hot here in Madison that I punched my coworker Jim in the balls for having the balls to ask me, "Hot enough for you, Hank?". Fortunately for him, his balls had fallen off earlier in the day.

It's so fucking hot here in Madison that I refuse to sit here and try to think up more examples of just how fucking hot it is here in Madison today.

Let's go to the map:

Sweet holy Jesus it's so hot in Colorado that half the state is on fire. But that's nothing - see that pink section from Kansas down through Oklahoma and into northern Texas? It's so fucking ungodly hot down there that people are vaporizing into a fine pink mist that is now hovering over that entire section of the country!!!!!

I guess I shouldn't complain about my balls.


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8 1/2 Weeks

What do you get when the AV Club mashes a trailer for Fellini's classic film, 8 1/2, with Eminem's song, "Lose Yourself", the theme song from his film, 8 Miles?

Synchronous Geniosity!


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15 July 2006

Linda Ronstadt

I grew up listening to plenty of Linda Ronstadt, thanks to my mom. In fact, I'd say Linda Ronstadt was my mom's favorite musical artist, second only to Kris Kristofferson, though he's a different post for a different time.

Of course, at some point, say around the age of twelve, I began rebelling pretty hard against mom (and dad), listening to heavy metal and punk, and so artists like Linda Ronstadt started sucking pretty damn hard in my worldview, a worldview to which I still kinda cling today. I mean, there are no Kenny Rogers (another of mom's faves) records in my future, ya dig?

But Linda? At some point during the last decade I made my peace with Ms. Ronstadt, and today I consider her one of the great singers in pop music history. I guess sometimes one needs to mature and earn some perspective in order to fully appreciate a talent like hers, and today I totally understand why my mom played Ronstadt records so often. Her voice is pure and pretty when the song calls for it, and gritty and aggressive in other, appropriate, instances.

Which brings me to Linda's second great talent. You see, she has never written her own material, but damn if she isn't a consummate interpreter of other people's songs. In fact, not only am I willing to call her "one of the great singers in pop music history", but she's also one of the greatest interpreters as well. First of all, she picks great material for her particular vocal skills, and then she knows how to make those songs her own, whether they be '50's rockabilly, Cole Porter standards, the Mexican folksongs of her ancestry, light opera, or glossy pop.

I'm writing about Linda Ronstadt today because I recently picked up a 2-CD set from EMI entitled The Best Of Linda Ronstadt: The Capitol Years, and it's a stellar collection. Don't let the title fool you, though, because these two discs contain Ronstadt's first four solo albums in their entirety.


You get Hand Sown...Home Grown, Silk Purse, Linda Ronstadt, and Heart Like A Wheel, all for the low, low price of $20 (give or take)...An amazing bargain, and no, I don't work for EMI.

At this point in her career (1969 to 1974), Ronstadt was an integral part of the Country Rock scene that was flourishing in Los Angeles, a scene that included future members of The Eagles, Jackson Browne, Gram Parsons, Lowell George and Little Feat. As such, you can imagine how the music on these four albums basically sounds - laid back Country Rock that, somewhat suprisingly, doesn't sound dated or hokey in the least. She's got top-notch musicians on each album (the cream of L.A. and Nashville), playing good/great songs, and of course, her own magnificent voice like the cherry on top.

Those good/great songs? Like I mentioned, Ronstadt knows how to pick 'em, and spread across those four albums on these two discs you'll find songs by Bob Dylan, Hank Williams, Neil Young, Johnny Cash, Randy Newman, Goffin-King, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Phil Everly, and Lowell George.

There's really not much more to say about The Best Of Linda Ronstadt: The Capitol Years, except that interspersed with some fairly average liner notes are several full-color photographs of an amazingly beautiful (perhaps "cute" is a better adjective) Ronstadt from that early 1970's era. It would seem half-German/half-Mexican is a mighty potent combination, because I can't stop looking at these pictures. Oh my!

A cute/beautiful singer of other people's songs? I guess that makes her that generation's Faith Hill...Or Shania Twain...Kelly Clarkson...Ashley Simpson...Jessica Simpson...Britney Spears...

Except that Linda Ronstadt is a much greater singer than any of 'em, and a much better song stylist, in any and all genres.

And at the risk of rambling in an already long post, there is Linda Ronstadt, the person...the woman.

By her own admittance, she enjoyed all the hedonistic pleasures of the music/fame industry - the drugs and alcohol, and the sex. Linda was a party girl, and she wasn't shy about it. While she never went off the deep end, like her good friend Janis Joplin, it's true that she had affairs with plenty of famous men, some of whom, like Lowell George and Jackson Browne, have been mentioned in this post. Mick Jagger lived with her for a season or two. If circumstances had been different, she might have been Jerry Brown's First Lady in the White House. As it was, she dated Jimmy Carter's son, Chip, for awhile.

I mention all this because Ronstadt was, and is, unapologetic about her private life, and unwilling to conform to a society that likes to tell itself that women should be happy in a traditional, monogamous role, complete with the requisite subservience and non-aggressive sexuality. We tell ourselves this is how women should behave, all the while leering and lusting secretly for the whore within.

Linda Ronstadt is nothing less than a legend and an icon. A woman who has more than earned her place with Judy Garland, Ella Fitzgerald, Liza Minelli, Barbra Streisand, and Madonna. A woman and a singer for the ages.


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The 4401st

I wish I could simply tell you that I was abducted by aliens, and that was the reason HOT POOP has sat dormant and neglected since last November, but we all know life isn't so fantastically convenient.

The truth is - I'm just human, dammit!

Yes, it's true. And as a human, I have these tendencies to procrastinate and then simply give up on all sorts of things - things like housework, relationships, reading Tolstoy, acquiring a taste for beets, watching Grey's Anatomy, and regularly updating HOT POOP.

But obviously, I haven't forgotten about HOT POOP, and here I am, trying to convince myself that I haven't entirely given up on this blog. Not yet, anyways.

The trick, for me, is to update this blog often enough for the act to become habitual, because I am nothing if not an addict. Which is entirely human, as well...Alot of us, if we do anything often enough, then have a hard time stopping - things like alcohol and masturbation, reading EW magazine and making serial killer snow globes, watching That 70's Show in syndication...

So, you see, this is really all about Newton's First Law Of Motion, and for that, I can't apologize.


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03 July 2006


July, 2006, and this month's episode of EVERYTHINGATHON! is a trip back in time, 28 years back in time...

Stockholm '78 is a hardcore hour of the sounds of a place and time - Disco, Funk, Techno, Dub - and bonafide hotel room sex sounds, courtesy of a girl named Jenn, with random, perverted commentary from Nikita Denise and James Avalon that I grabbed off a DVD copy of Vampyre's: The Resurrection. It's all sexy, good times.


Hotcha! Hank

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