Tuesday's Fortune: 10 March 2009

MEAL: 1 order (10) Fried Wontons + 1 small order Beef With Oyster Sauce = $8.30 + $1.00 tip

Hotcha! Hank

Almost Laminated 2008!

Rosario Dawson was #5 on last year's Laminated List, and here she is at #6 in 2008...My only real exposure to her in the past year was seeing Clerks 2 via Netflix, which may explain why she slipped a spot...A cool, sexy, gorgeous woman...Nuff said...

Christina Hendricks stars in the AMC ensemble show, Mad Men, and previously she had a recurring role in the doomed sci-fi show, Firefly...She's an insanely curvy redhead that I didn't think existed anymore, in Hollywood, or anywhere...And her face...An angel...Yeah, as far as my yearly Laminated Lists are concerned, the only place for her to go is UP...For now, here she is at #7...

I have never seen a single second of Gossip Girl on the CW, and I probably never will...Nor have I seen The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants...Again, I probably never will...I am very aware of Blake Lively, however, and while I definitely lean towards brunettes and redheads, there's something about this blonde starlet that captivates me...I think it's the slightest of overbites, the beauty mark under her right eye (mysteriously missing from this photo), and those slightly squinty eyes themselves...Quite lovely, almost "handsome", and this year she's #8 on my laminated list...

Lily Allen is so damn cute...Adorable...She's spicy and saucy...She's a cheeky monkey, right? And as far as big pop stars go, especially those who found fame via the internet, she's got some catchy tunes...And she's so damn cute at #9 on this year's extended, almost-laminated list...

Anna Friel was a pretty popular actress in the UK, who first came to the public eye in America, and thus MY eyes, when Pushing Daisies premiered on ABC last year...Like Lily Allen, she's an adorable British lass, and wouldn't you know, her character on the show is kinda cheeky in her own right...Definitely spunky...Totally cute and absolutely #10 in this year's list of soft misogyny...But seriously, isn't this an honest celebration of the feminine? Hm...

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 70

My best friend at work, Taber, is moving to Los Angeles this weekend...As I type this, he is probably still boxing up his absolutely fucking enormous DVD collection...

He is moving out there with the hope of becoming Seth Rogen's stunt double, and if that doesn't happen, he's hoping for the same thing most LA immigrants do - a fun job in the film or television industry, ultimately as a writer, director or producer...I wish him well, and think he's got as good a shot as anybody - he studied film in college, he's seen a billion films, he's witty and certainly capable of quality writing and informed directing/producing...He knows how the industry works, and understands the mechanics of filmmaking...I just hope he's got enough faith in himself and enough motivation to make it all work in his favor...

But what does Taber's quest for Hollywood glory have to do with Pavement, and more importantly, what does all of this have to do with me?

*snicker*

Well, I have similar Hollywood dreams - to sell scripts, to supervise and produce soundtracks and scores, blah blah blah...I'm just not motivated enough...

That, and I fucking hate Southern California...

Pavement: Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain: "Unfair" [mp3]

On the other hand, I love Northern California...From about Monterey/Santa Cruz northward...I'd love to live in San Francisco...On the edge of Chinatown, methinks...

Of course, Humboldt and Marin would be cool...Crescent City has it's charms, as does Eureka. Of course, our good friend Bigfoot spends alot more time in NorCal than he does to the south, and that's a major selling point for me...

Pavement are from Stockton, which is about 50 or so miles east of Berkeley...This song, "Unfair", is about whatever rivalry exists between northern and southern California, or at the very least, about Stephen Malkmus' loathing for SoCal, which fairly represents my own misgivings...Actually, it's about the socio-economic disparities which exist within the state, with the populous SoCal essentially exploiting the natural resources of Norcal and being a bunch of snooty douchebags all the while...

LOL...

This animosity wasn't new to Malkmus. On their previous album, Slanted And Enchanted, they went so far as the song "Two States", which is about exactly what the title implies...

Pavement: Slanted & Enchanted: "Two States" [mp3]

I wish you all the best, Taber...May you conquer the vampires of Hollywood and all that ridiculous traffic...May you identify the spies and the best taco wagons...

I'll miss our little imaginary film review show that we did in the mailroom every week...My elitist art houses tendencies taking on yr democratic and populist tastes...And yet we're about 90% alike according to Netflix...

Go figure, and give it to 'em...

Hotcha! Hank

Netflix Notes: 07 March 2008

Fantastic Voyage won two Oscars in 1966, for Best Art Direction, and Best Visual Effects, and imagining the cinematic landscape of that year, it's pretty easy to understand why the film won those awards.

The problem is, the passage of time is so often so very cruel, as it is with the set designs and special effects in this film. What we have here really, are Star Trek sets and effects with a bigger budget, and yet, that extra cash doesn't really improve upon anything we've seen in Star Trek, and in fact, in many instances the props and effects are downright laughable - here we have huge computer banks with dozens upon dozens of lights and buttons and dials, and yet, there's not a single word/label to be found anywhere on those consoles. That doesn't stop the technicians (hello, James Brolin!) from pushing and twisting and tweaking like they're directly jacked into the system like it's cyberpunk circa 1986. Here we have a submarine that looks like a ski boat with some plastic wings fused onto it, and then when it's shrunk down, looks like a really cheap Matchbox/Hot Wheels toy. And here we have computer monitors that actually display actual fucking drawings on their screens, instead of anything even remotely "real".

But perhaps I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

The story is - both the USA and USSR (the cold war is raging hard in 1966, babycakes) are developing the science of miniaturization, and when the Soviet scientist who makes the big breakthrough tries defecting to the West, an assassination attempt leaves him in a coma with a blood clot in his brain.

The problem is - the comatose scientist's big breakthrough allows miniaturized people and things to remain small for long periods of time, because at the moment, the smaller something or someone is shrunk, the quicker it returns to normal size.

And so a team is assembled in the USA to be minaturized along with a nuclear-powered submarine, and injected into the comatose scientist's body to remove the blood clot with a sophisticated laser weapon.

Two problems - they only have an hour to get the job done, and wouldn't you know it - there's a double agent amongst the miniaturized crew!

GASP!

It's an interesting story idea, I'll admit. Interesting enough that Isaac Asimov was willing to write a novelization of the original screenplay for Bantam Books that ultimately hit the streets several months before the film itself, with Asimov's name and reputation really helping to market the movie...The problem is, it's an interesting story rather poorly told (Asimov's novel is much more complex and speculatively possible than the screenplay itself), and again, alot of really cheesy props and effects don't help.

And I'd be more than willing to overlook those lame props and outdated effects (mostly background green screen stuff) if the screenplay and direction were actually any good. But they aren't, and so it's not until minute 38 of a 101 minute film that the crew and their submarine are actually miniaturized and inside the comatose scientist's body. Again, that might not be such a problem if those first 38 minutes weren't so absolutely fucking slow and undramatic, full of a whole lot of dialogue that essentially tells us no more than what I've already told you - the leading miniaturization expert is in a coma, needs a brain operation, so we're sending in a crew, rather than actually doing a, you know, normal brain operation with normal-sized doctors.

At minute 20 the sequence begins during which time the crew and submarine are going to be miniaturized and injected. You think to yourself, "finally, the doctors and military officers are done arguing and explaining and slide-ruling, and there's gonna be some good ol' fashioned shrinking!"

Except, it's a four phase operation that will take another 18 minutes to accomplish, during which time there will be alot of long quiet scenes in which the crew members do nothing more than look nervously at one another as they get shrunken down, dropped inside a syringe with the world's tiniest forklift, and finally shot into the patient's carotid artery...

The patient, with his shaved skull mapped and numbered for no good reason, and a big red X magic-markered onto his neck...And the tiny radars...All the tiny radars! So many tiny radars!

Ahh, minute 38 and the shrooms and/or acid should be kicking in right about now, and I'm not really kidding because our first look inside the patient's body is the bloodstream, which looks pretty much like a lava lamp, or those acid-washed projector shows that were all the rage in the hippie age...One can't help but believe this film was made for the druggie subculture, and while I didn't eat any shrooms or drop any acid for this, I did smoke up the kind for my viewing of Fantastic Voyage, but as you can tell, it didn't really help me enjoy it all that much.

*HERE BE SPOILERS*

So, like I mentioned, there's a double agent amongst the shrunken crew, and hey, Donald Pleasence is in the cast. At the 30 minute mark, when he's already shrunken down and inside a submarine inside a syringe, his character has an attack of claustrophobia and desperately tries to escape the sub, and one can't help but think, "If he's got claustrophobia, how did he get vetted to be one of the shrunken crew, and why would he want to be there? He wouldn't be there unless he had a damn good reason to be there."

Saboteur!

Near the very end, Pleasence's character is attacked and engulfed by a white blood cell, a white blob made of nothing more sophisticated than laundry detergent. "And the winner is..."

Speaking of the ending - As long and slow and drawn out as the beginning of this film is, so the ending is amazingly abrupt.

There is six minutes left before the crew and their submarine begin growing back to normal size, and they have yet to fix the blood clot and deal with Donald Pleasence. Of course, the crew spends two of those minutes standing around inside the submarine talking, but this is a drug-addled sci-fi script, so no worries. The crew exits the sub, laser-gun the clot back to good health, but when Pleasence meanwhile commandeers the sub and crashes it into some grey matter, where it is attacked by laundry detergent, the remaining crew is forced to swim in their underwhelming scuba gear for the tear duct if they're gonna make it out of the comatose scientist's body in time.

Which they do. Where they are scooped up on a microscope slide by a general (not a scientist or doctor) and then quickly grow back to normal size, and are greeted with many hugs and handshakes by all the technicians and military men.

The end.

No word on whether the comatose scientist survives or not, which kinda sucks cuz there's a dead Donald Pleasance and a submarine made out of a ski boat still inside of him, after all, and wouldn't they grow and explode out of his body?

Nope, just the camera pulling away and all those handshakes and hugs.

Oh, and did I mention Raquel Welch is in the cast, looking a bit like the original Eva Mendes and actually doing more acting than just looking all hot and chesty for the drug-addled sci-fi geeks?

3 out of 5 cuz the passage of time is a cruel bitch, and Raquel Welch is chesty anyways...Otherwise it woulda been a 2, cuz c'mon, the blood clot was made outta attic insulation!

Hotcha! Hank

Netflix Notes: 29 February 2008

It should have, could have, been a home run.

As the X-Files was well into it's death spiral in 2001, series mastermind Chris Carter decided to spin off The Lone Gunmen, which was the name of three conspiracy nuts who helped Mulder and Scully in about three dozen episodes, or more to the point, the name of the conspiracy-minded 'zine they published.

Byers, Langly and Frohike (The Lone Gunmen) were extremely popular characters on the X-Files, providing some color (literally and figuratively) to a very dark show (literally and figuratively), and if nothing else, a bit of outright humor. But they were popular, if for no other reason, than because they were perfect for the times. Langly, in particular, was a hardcore techie with computer skills (hacking included) that didn't really pay the bills, but sure seemed cutting edge and exciting at the time.

The 1990's weren't that long ago, and it's oftentimes easy to forget that the internet as we know it today didn't really start coming into it's own until the end of that decade. Back in 1993 or 1995, when the X-Files was reaching it's creative peak, most people weren't on the internet yet, and those of us who were online were probably surfing within the confines of AOL, Prodigy and Compuserve. The web was world wide, yes, but there just wasn't much to be found out there yet, and what was available was trickling onto our CRT at rates of 14.4 or 28.8 kbps through dial-up modems. But there was Langly, hacking into DoD servers and whatnot, to help our heroes Mulder and Scully, and it was new, and a bit mysterious to most of us, and that made it exciting.

So yeah, it was a no-brainer for Chris Carter and the suits at FOX to spin-off The Lone Gunmen as X-Files was falling apart, because they were beloved characters from a beloved show, and the time was right.

But The Lone Gunmen as it's own show was/is pretty much a bonafide disaster for several reasons.

It wasn't very well written, first of all, which is kinda unbelievable considering that Carter, along with his right hand man Vince Gilligan, and two other X-Files alums, penned all 13 episodes of the series. I say "kinda" because as I alluded to already, the X-Files itself was running on fumes by that point, and Carter and his team were fatigued, I would say. In hindsight, they needed to take a creative break, or at least hand over the reigns to fresher writers. The 3 main characters were already well- established, all those new writers would have needed to do was come up with decent plots. Instead, Carter and company kept the pens, and what they offered us were storylines that were simultaneously ridiculous and boring, which perhaps reached it's nadir in episode 8, "Maximum Byers", in which two of the main characters break into a maximum security prison, so that one of them can get himself onto death row to try and help a death row inmate who is probably innocent. It's hard for me to explain why I wholeheartedly allowed myself to swallow just about every far-fetched storyline X-Files threw my way, and yet find the prospects of Byers and Jimmy successfully pulling off what I just described to be patently absurd. The show often went beyond the realm of believability, but it fell short of the fantastic, if that makes sense. Anyways...

Jimmy.

James "Jimmy" Bond.

Ayup. Somebody apparently thought this was a clever name.

Jimmy is the second problem I have with The Lone Gunmen, and I would have to say, the single biggest reason why the show doesn't work. We meet him in the second episode, and without getting into too many details, by the end of that episode he has become the group's financial benefactor and "muscle". Not only that, but he also represents an idealism meant to counterbalance the cynical pragmatism of The Lone Gunmen, Langly and Frohike in particular. Not only that, but by the end of the series' 13 episode run, he's referred to several times as "the smartest of the bunch", nevermind that Jimmy is a complete rube when we first meet him, and the three lone gunmen are supposedly geek geniuses and investigative journalists extraordinaire.

The question I have is how and why Jimmy ostensibly became the heart of the show, and the focal point of many of the storylines? Like I said, here we have a show named and based on three well-developed and beloved characters, but The Lone Gunmen too often become mere props on their own show, taking a back seat to an inconsistent character named James "Jimmy" Bond.

And this is made worse by the fact that Stephen Sneddon, the actor playing Jimmy, is quite simply a very bad actor on this show. No subtlety or nuance whatsoever, in a role that requires exactly that. Idealism is more than wide eyes and poorly delivered platitudes, you know? On Sneddon's IMDb page, somebody asks why the actor hasn't had much significant work since The Lone Gunmen, and of course the easy answer is that he simply isn't that good.

Sneddon's questionable acting skills are compounded by another basic fact that the principal actors on this show - Byers, Langly and Frohike, as played by Bruce Harwood, Dean Haglund and Tom Braidwood - are not exactly great actors either. Good enough for a scene or two in three dozen X-Files, but certainly not good enough to carry their own show. Forced into the limelight for 45 minutes per week, these actors (and the weak writing) turn these fun and interesting characters into caricatures.

In the end, there have certainly been much, much worse television shows, some of them broadcasting right now, but for me, The Lone Gunman represents wasted opportunity more than anything else. I was extremely disappointed in the quality of this show for too many reasons, and sometimes disappointment is worse than outright suckage.

2 out of 5 stars

Hotcha! Hank

My 2008 Oscar Ballot

I'm a Netflix kinda guy, and only go to the cineplex about ten times a year, which is my way of saying I still haven't seen the vast majority of the films and performances nominated for this years Academy Awards. However, this ignorance never kept anyone, especially me, from picking the winners. I watch alot of trailers online. Isn't that enough these days?

<<<<<..>>>>>

Best Picture:

Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood

>>>

Best Actor:

George Clooney: Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis: There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp: Sweeney Todd
Tommy Lee Jones: In The Valley Of Elah
Viggo Mortensen: Eastern Promises

>>>

Best Actress:

Cate Blanchett: Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie: Away From Her
Marion Cotillard: La Vie en Rose
Laura Linney: The Savages
Ellen Page: Juno

>>>

Best Supporting Actor:

Casey Affleck: The Assassination Of Jesse James
Javier Bardem: No Country For Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman: Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook: Into The Wild
Tom Wilkinson: Michael Clayton

>>>

Best Supporting Actress:

Cate Blanchett: I'm Not There
Ruby Dee: American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan: Atonement
Amy Ryan: Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton: Michael Clayton

>>>

Best Director:

Paul Thomas Anderson: There Will Be Blood
Ethan & Joel Coen: No Country For Old Men
Tony Gilroy: Michael Clayton
Jason Reitman: Juno
Julian Schnabel: The Diving Bell & The Butterfly

>>>

Best Original Screenplay:

Brad Bird: Ratatouille
Diablo Cody: Juno
Tony Gilroy: Michael Clayton
Tamara Jenkins: The Savages
Nancy Oliver: Lars & The Real Girl

>>>

Best Adapted Screenplay:

Paul Thomas Anderson: There Will Be Blood
Ethan & Joel Coen: No Country For Old Men
Christopher Hampton: Atonement
Ronald Harwood: The Diving Bell & The Butterfly
Sarah Polley: Away From Her

>>>

Best Animated Feature:

Persepolis
Ratatouille
Surf's Up

>>>

Best Foreign Language Film:

Beaufort [Israel]
The Counterfeiters [Austria]
Katyn [Poland]
Mongol [Kazakhstan]
12 [Russia]

>>>

Best Documentary Feature:

No End In Sight
Operation Homecoming: Writing The Wartime Experience
Sicko
Taxi To The Dark Side
War/Dance

>>>

Best Cinematographery:

The Assassination Of Jesse James
Atonement
The Diving Bell & The Butterfly
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood

>>>

Hotcha! Hank

HOT ROD!

HOT ROD is HOT POOP!

That's my easily digestible soundbyte for Andy Samberg's new Comedy, Hot Rod...

To get a bit (or alot) more longwinded about this, check it out >>>>>

Ten minutes into this movie, I leaned over to Taber and said, "This might be the dumbest movie I've ever seen in my life", which I meant in a complimentary way. In fact, when all is said and done, Hot Rod may have replaced Dumb & Dumber as my favorite Dumb Comedy of All-Time...

And by Dumb Comedy, perhaps I should say Smart Dumb Comedy, because this sort of nonsense is intentially dumb, as opposed to any of Ice Cube's last three or four comedies, which are just plain dumb. Movies ignorant of their own stupidity.

Andy Samberg and his friends (director Akiva Schaffer, co-star Jorma Taccone) know Hot Rod is a dumb movie, full of dumb people saying and doing dumb things, and it takes a bit of smarts to make it work and make it funny, as this film so often and so convincingly is...As they daringly do...

Pam Brady wrote the script. She's also written several episodes of Fox's recently-cancelled sitcom, The Loop, as well as episodes of South Park, the South Park Movie, and Team America: World Police...That's a damn solid resume, cuz really, The Loop was pretty funny, and well, South Park, dude...

So what all these smart and funny people have done with Hot Rod, is fashion as silly and dumb a film as they possibly could...They took the Anchorman: Ron Burgundy template, and turned it inside out...Stretched the gooey dumb as far as possible and gave us something as oftentimes borders on the surreal. Small explosions of dada from time to time...Small moments of tender mercies, allowing us to catch our breath...

Speaking of...I heard rumor that this was originally supposed to be a Will Ferrell movie, but he's just too old for the role...It had to be about teenagers and/or indeterminate 20-somethings, and Samberg, in particular, performs the lead role with 100% goofy abandon...

Oh, the plot? Samberg plays Rod Kimble, a young Evel Knievel-kinda stuntman, who is an achingly awful stuntman, who gives up his pathetic career and his fake moustache, only to have love and probable head traumas bring him back for one last jump to raise $50,000 dollars for his step-dad's operation...

The step-dad is played fucking brilliantly by respected UK actor, Ian McShane, and the hardcore "issues" between Rod and his step-dad provide a seriously dark streak of black comedy to all the dumbness...Meanwhile, Sissy Spacek plays Rod's mom as a flighty, granola kinda woman, oblivious to the anger and violence between her husband and son...and possibly medicated...

Interesting and successful casting to say the least, althought If I have one complaint, it's Wil Arnett's role as Jonathan, the smarmy tool kinda character that is quickly painting Arnett into a very small corner...Is this the only thing Wil Arnett can do, or is this the only thing Hollywood is handing him? Either way...yawn...And I yawn while telling you that I'm a bonafide Arrested Development freak, and his role as GOB was singularly great. He perfectly nails this smarmy tool kinda guy, so now, leave it alone...Everything I've seen him do since has been an emptier and more meaningless take on GOB...

Oh, and Isla Fisher as the sweet eye candy love interest, and newcomer Danny McBride as one of Kimble's crew, who turns in my favorite character/performance in the whole film...

Anyways...this is all just to say (Arnett aside) that I laughed louder and more often during Hot Rod than any other movie I've seen in a long, long, long time...I also groaned a fair amount, and said "awww, Geezus" on occasion...

Of course, I was also hopped up on kind and 24 ounces of Cherry Blast Icee, but still, this movie is epic in it's stupidity, an instant comedy classic that should stand up pretty well to repeated viewings...Your opinion may vary...

Oh, plus, I saw a FREE advanced screening of this movie, so take that any way you want...

5 out of 5

Hotcha!

Hank

Netflix Notes: 23 July 2007

Fraternity Vacation (1985)

So, I've been revisiting as many Comedies from the 1980's as I can withstand during the past couple of months, and this particularly lame movie may signal the end to that nostalgic, and mostly disappointing, endeavor.

This Comedy is soooo unfunny that I can't even figure out how to critique it. Consider this - Tim Robbins plays a "cool" frat brother named "Mother" Tucker. I did the math, and this uproariously funny and inventive name is the basis for 5.6% of this film. I guess if the name makes you chuckle, Fraternity Vacation might be worth a rental.

Cameron Dye plays "Joe", the other, slightly less cool, frat brother. Consider this - Mr. Dye is perhaps best known as "Fred", the other, slightly less cool, punk in Valley Girl. Anyways, "Joe" is about as funny as his name.

Together, Mother and Joe decide their #1 goal for the spring break week in Palm Springs is getting Wendell laid. Just from his name, you know Wendall is virginal dweeb, right? Ayup, Wendell is 100% self-admitted Nerd. With a capital N. He's clumsy, he's socially awkward, blah blah blah.

Most of the comedy is SUPPOSED to be derived from the conceit that Tucker and Joe think Wendell is getting more hot sex than they are, and the fact that we know Wendell really isn't getting laid. *Wink wink yawn*

Tucker and Joe aren't getting laid either, even though they've wagered $1000 with two absolute tools from a rival fraternity. The winner of the bet is the one who first bangs "Ashley", a particularly beautiful blonde who sits around the pool, never getting hit on, never talking to anybody...Other times, she stands out on the balcony of her own poolside suite, looking longingly at something off camera, in the distance. The sunset, perhaps, or a riveting grove of palm trees. The film never shows or tells us. This is one of the stronger dramatic elements of the film.

But Fraternity Vacation isn't about drama. It's about the laughs, of which I had two.

One was when Mother and Joe were in the Palm Springs jail, and Mother was pretending to play the blues on an imaginary harmonica. That was a golden moment.

The other time is when "Madman Mac" (played by Charles Rocket, for those of you old enough to remember), the local crazy radio disc jockey, led an impromptu protest in front of aforementioned jail. They were chanting "Free The Palm Springs Three", and the crowd of 37 had signs and t-shirts saying the same. I thought that was funny for some reason.

I almost laughed when Tucker called "Chas", one of the rival frat tools, a "turkey", but man, words like that hurt, ya dig?

Anyways, the real joke is that I wrote this much about a movie that really and truly never deserved to exist, so let me give you the big twist ending...In the last 5 minutes Wendell hooks up with Ashley. If you actually rent Fraternity Vacation, you will have this ending figured by the 15 minute mark. 1 out of 5

Hotcha!
Hank

Netflix Notes: 03July2007

Armed & Dangerous [1986]

For a film that stars two of SCTV's biggest talents, John Candy and Eugene Levy, this comedy certainly isn't very funny. In fact, it's amazingly unfunny, and I say that as a bonafide SCTV freak (I grew up on the show) and John Candy apologist. Hell, my main nickname in high school was LaRue, and if you get the reference, you're probably just like me. Anyways, I had this plan a few weeks ago to try and watch as many '80's comedies as I could via Netflix, and here we are in Week Three, and I'm already giving up on the plan. This comedic crime caper is unfunny enough and disappointing enough to break my spirit. I should have expected it, since my memory of seeing it in the theater in 1986 is vague and non-descript at best. It already wasn't funny when I was 20 and a couple of my friends were still calling me LaRue. Anyways, there is a scene wherein Candy goes drag ala Divine and Levy dresses up as a Leather Boy and that spark of SCTV ignites momentarily, but it comes too late in the movie, and Levy's pale, dimpled ass extinguishes the scene and that spark. I guess I should note that Candy plays a good cop who gets thrown off the force, and Levy plays a pathetic and ineffectual lawyer , and the two end up working together for a private security firm, and happen upon a conspiracy by the union boss to embezzle the pension (in Reagan's America, unions were deemed "evil") and well, what else do you need to know. I believe this was Meg Ryan's first feature film. She ends up with Levy in the end, but you know that by minute 15, and you don't care. I would have given this film 1 out of 5, but John Candy, as always, merits an extra star. LaRue! 2 out of 5


Foul Play [1978]

Chevy Chase plays it mostly straight in this somewhat comedic crime caper that isn't great, but is certainly a better film than Armed & Dangerous. But really, Goldie Hawn is the star here, and at this particular stage in her career, she could essentially carry a film on her looks alone. The woman was cute beyond belief, and she knew how to play it to her advantage. Here she plays it clumsy, but never dumb, as an unassuming librarian who inadvertently falls into an international plot to assassinate the Pope at a performance of The Mikado in San Francisco. Chevy Chase plays the detective who inadvertently takes on her case, and that mix of smugness and charm that Chase can do so well is present here, if a bit muffled, which actually probably works best for this particular film. Like I said, this is Hawn's show. Elsewhere, Burgess Meredith is solidly funny as an old anthropologist who happens to be Hawn's landlord, and his fight scene with a "nun" in the second half of the film is probably my favorite couple of minutes. Also of note is Dudley Moore playing a playboy who tries seducing Hawn. In the beginning, he tells her that he works for the city, but at the end, he's conducting the orchestra at that Mikado performance, and I don't know if my brain is glitching, or if conductors are technically municipal employees. Anyways, there's a dwarf, an albino, two old grannies playing dirtyword Scrabble, and a youngish, thinnish Brian Dennehy. There's chase scenes, fight scenes, a python, and less "San Francisco as character" than I typically like, but it's not a bad film in the end. Damn, Goldie Hawn was cute in 1978. 3 out of 5


Reno 911!: Miami [2007]

The mockumentary style of the television show, Reno: 911!, doesn't quite translate well to the big screen, despite the fact that the entire cast is present, castmember Ben Garant is directing, as he often does on the show, and much of the dialogue is semi-improvised, and edited from much larger, free-flowing takes, as witnessed in the deleted/extended scenes on this DVD. Part of the problem might be the very fact that the Reno Sheriffs Department takes their bumbling freakshow to Miami in the first place. It's a silly conceit, this fish outta water thing, and it sorta works, but seems meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Dick jokes and slapstick plays about the same in Reno and Miami, and there's an abundance of it, and the times they really do exploit the cultural differences between the high desert plains of Reno and oceanside Miami, those scenes are the best. The dead whale scene is probably the high point, and the alligator scene ain't bad either, but there really aren't a whole lot of these kinda South Beach specific scenes, and that's a shame. Tattoo parlors, cheap motels, and squad car interiors are the same in Miami as Reno, and there's maybe too many of 'em to make this film truly work for me, to be a film that stays true to it's one overriding premise. Anyways, Patton Oswald and Paul Rudd both contribute solid supporting roles, and even Paul Reubens makes an appearance at the end. If you like the TV show, this is worth a watch, and the four or five deleted/extended scenes are are nearly as good as the film itself, and just as long, so I guess we're getting a double dose. In fact, I laughed hardest at a Clementine riff during the deleted bus trip scene. If you don't have cable and haven't seen this show, rent a disc or two from Season Two. 3 out of 5

Hotcha! Hank

Netflix Notes: 24June2007

Fletch Lives [1989]

I had rented the original Fletch a week earlier, and had found that one to hold up remarkably well, and show Chevy Chase in fine form...In fact, I'd argue his work in the first Fletch was the high point of his career. I cannot say the same about Fletch Lives, wherein Chase seems a bit sluggish, and appears to be sticking pretty close to a script that is clunky and not very funny. There is a somewhat surreal dream sequence very early in the movie, and it really sticks out in hindsight because it is the ONLY dream sequence in the film. As I recall, there was only one dream sequence in the original, and in the filmmaking rulebook in my mind, this is a mistake, because you either do several dream sequences, or none at all. Elsewhere in Fletch Lives there are Southern stereotypes of all sorts, because this is yr typical "fish out of water" story, with LA journalist Fletch inhereting a decrepit southern manor in Louisiana. Fletch encounters bikers, preachers, rednecks, Klansmen, an evil corporation dumping toxic sludge, not to mention a questionable House Negro named Calculus Entropy, as played without much ado by Cleavon Little. Of course, because it's Fletch, there are a bunch of costumes/disguises throughout. Keeping with the idea of diminished returns, the disguises in Fletch Lives aren't as good or convincing or inspired as those from the original, and the same might be said of the pseudonyms Fletch uses for these "characters"...The only good reason I might have to recommend this film, is if you have a desire to see Randall "Tex" Cobb, shirtless and wearing blue eye shadow for about 30 seconds. 2 out of 5

Summer Rental [1985]

John Candy is a burnt out air traffic controller [there are alot of air traffic controller characters in '80's cinema, isn't there?] named Jack Chester who is forced by his boss to take a much needed vacation, so Jack loads up the car and his family, and they're off to to a time-share beachfront house in Florida for a few weeks...Hilarity is supposed to ensue at this point, but really, it doesn't. I remember liking Summer Rental when I saw it in the theaters with a couple of friends in 1985, but maybe that's just my absolute worship of John Candy, which mostly continues to this day. But to be fair and honest, through the lense of 2007, this film now plays as bonafide family fare, with the exception of half-dozen naughty words sprinkled throughout. Candy as Jack Chester is a mostly lovable shlub, and his physical comedy, as usual, is top-notch, but none of it is actually very funny. Rip Torn plays Scully The Buccaneer, but it's rather unremarkable if yr a fan of his work as Arthur on The Larry Sanders Show, and the heavy is played by Richard Crenna as only Richard Crenna can, and if you know what I mean, then maybe this movie really is meant for you. Otherwise, a young Joey Lawrence plays one of Candy's kids, and maybe he's yr thing... 2 out of 5

Volunteers [1985]

Another John Candy film from 1985, although Tom Hanks gets top-billing here, in what I believe is his fifth feature film. It's also worth mentioning that Volunteers was the second time Hanks and Candy had worked together, the first being Splash from the previous year. If yr thinking that maybe this film kinda reeks of "cashing in" on that film's bonafide success, you may be right, although it can be said that the two actors do work well together...Also of note, this is the film on which Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson met, and right now, they must be one of the longest-married couples in Hollywood...As for the film itself...It's really not that bad...Hanks ably plays the smarmy rich college graduate, who ends up in the Peace Corps in Thailand, trying to run away from a gambling debt. For such a crass cad, Hanks makes us like and care for him, and while the "romance" between him and Wilson's character, Beth Wexler, is neccesary in this kind of film, it still feels a bit intrusive in the overall film, and even unlikely, despite the pair's obvious chemistry. For his part, John Candy plays Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, Washington with great gusto, in a role that plays to his strengths, and feels like something ripped from his old SCTV playbook...What we end up with is 105 minutes of blackmarket warlords, Communists, volunteer do-gooders, crooked military men, alot of opium smoking and drug references, a bridge over the river ???, and the lesson that Capitalism, Communism, and Organized Crime are equally adept at getting things done, as long as there is plenty of cheap labor to exploit. Several one liners had me laughing out loud, and overall, it's a pretty solid comedy that shows a bit why Hanks would go on to become a true superstar leading man. 3 out of 5

Hotcha!
Hank

Move Over, Frankenstein!

Maybe I've seen Young Frankenstein too many times over the years...It started when I was 8 years old, in 1974. My family was camping in Door County, WI, and there was a terrible thunderstorm one night, so dad drove us into town, Egg Harbor, and we went to a theater and ayup, we saw Young Frankenstein...I didn't understand plenty of it, though I got the knocker joke...

Over the years I've seen that film a dozen times, I suppose, and yeah, it's a classic, to be sure, but last night I watched The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother for the first time, and it was fantastic. And maybe it's just the thrill of that first, fresh viewing, but I dare say, this film might just be better than Young Frankenstein. Yeah, I will dare.

Wait, no I won't. But it's a close second, if that counts.

Why did it take me 31 years to see this film? How did I miss this for so long?

This is Gene Wilder's writing and directing debut, and the title pretty much says it all - this is a farce about the sibling rivalry between Sherlock Holmes and the younger brother forever living in his shadow. Wilder plays Sigerson, the jealous brother who just so happens to be private detective himself. As the film begins, Sherlock passes off one of his cases to Sigerson, and from there it's 90 minutes of clever wordplay and Marty Feldman's eyes. Advanced swordplay and silly slapstick. Sight gags that Gondry might steal, and Madeleine Kahn at her very best, playing the damsel in distress, who yeah, just so happens to sing in a semi-operatic style, one of Kahn's trademarks. The lady did shrill like nobody's business.

Wilder, Feldman, Kahn - yeah, it's the same trio from Young Frankenstein, and yeah, it's similar in taste and tone to Mel Brooks' best films, though in Wilder's hands, it's all a bit more intellectual, and possibly more absurd.

And then there's Dom DeLuise, playing the blackmailer, Eduardo Gambetti, and first of all, it's DeLuise at his best, before he got hung up with Burt Reynolds, and secondly, I just want to say that Jack Black is the Dom DeLuise of this generation. Yeah, I dare, dude.

Gene Wilder only directed five films in his career, and wrote nine, but this was his 14th film as an actor, and it's clear that he learned alot from Brooks, and was smart enough to essentially "cash in" on the success of Young Frankenstein from the previous year. Hell, Brooks even has a voice cameo near the beginning.

Speaking of voices, pay attention to Wilder's. That's the first joke. And then there's a whole lot more.

And Marty Feldman's eyes.

Five stars and all that...Queue it up today...

Hotcha!
Hank

RE: zomg!omg!omg!1!

According to an email I received today from benben77 in Dayton, OH, the hottest poop this past week was the news that actress Maura Tierney, star of News Radio, and ER, is divorcing husband Billy Morrissette after 13 years of marriage. benben77 went on to wonder if this was finally his chance to "live the Maura Tierney dream", and I re: "Yes. Yes it is."



Yes, benben77, Ms. Tierney is an attractive woman, and I wish you well in yr efforts to see her naked and possibly touch naughty bits. In response to yr email, and in honor of yr delusions, I have just added Welcome To Mooseport to my Netflix queue, against my better judgement.

BTW - benben77 also writes, "Your blog is okay, but it needs more pictures of Jessica Alba and hot celebrity stuff in general. I only ended up at your page because of the Tara Reid story, which wasn't funny, btw."

Food for thought, benben...

Hotcha!
Hank