26 June 2007

Hank Ranks No. 8

The 11 Characters From That '70's Show (Minimum 50 Episodes)


11: Midge Pinciotti [Tonya Roberts]

Midge is dim, but not in a particularly funny or remarkable way. She's also incredibly stacked, but I never found Tonya Roberts particularly attractive. Midge mostly existed on That '70's Show to be eye candy, and to that end, she was adequate.

10: Steven Hyde [Danny Masterson]

It's not that I hate Hyde, it's just that I don't find him that compelling, or believable as the rebel, or "Fonzie" of the group...Remember that episode where he meets the Punk chick and almost moves to New York City? Yeah, he ALMOST went with her, which is exactly my problem with this character...

09: Leo [Tommy Chong]

My dad had Cheech y Chong albums in his collection, and I was exposed to their brand of humor and drug subculture pretty early in life(9-10 years of age)...When he took us all to see Up In Smoke at The 57 outdoor when I was the tender age of 12, well, I was already wise to that whole scene. Leo IS Tommy Chong, and vice versa, and there's nothing wrong with that, except it's too easy, you know?

08: Jackie Burkhart [Milas Kunis]

Milas Kunis is cute in a somewhat exotic way. I think she's from Russia, or the daughter of Russian immigrants. Anyways, her character, Jackie Burkhart, is annoying as hell, and to that end, Ms. Kunis does a damn good job. It's too bad that her cuteness doesn't quite overcome the annoyance factor and put this character higher on this list.

07: Fez [Wilmer Valderrama]

It's interesting to see Fez go from a somewhat shy, geeky exchange student to a somewhat suave ladies man throughout the course of 8 seasons. Along the way he developed a taste for candy and a propensity to masturbate, and picked up homosexual overtones that made the character more interesting, even if it didn't help him escape being the token brown-skinned target of alot of easy ethnic jokes. Fez was characterized as being fairly ignorant, but it seemed to be more about cultural differences than outright stupidity. Fez is funny, but he isn't a clown.

06: Eric Forman [Topher Grace]

Eric Forman really does belongs right here in the middle of this list. He's the "Teenaged Everyboy" holding down the middle of all the wackiness and stupidity around him. He's a nice guy who isn't too smart or too stupid, isn't too funny or too serious, is constantly criticized by his dad, but has a true, loving ally in his mom. Despite all this middling balance, he somehow, perhaps through the vagaries of geography alone, dates the hottest, coolest girl in town.

05: Bob Pinciotti [Don Stark]

Bob is almost a clown. It has alot to do with the hair, really. But Bob isn't stupid. He runs a successful business until the evil monolith PriceMart comes to Point Place, and he's fairy progressive, even for the 1970's, in that he experiments with marijuana, swings with his wife, attends a key party, is a nudist, and generally seems to be enjoying his life. Bob's a hard guy to completely pin down, but more often than not, scenes are better when Bob's involved.

04: Reginald "Red" Forman [Kurtwood Smith]

Credit to Kurtwood Smith for playing a total hardass dad and still making Red a understandably likeable guy. I'd say Mr. Smith is the best actor of the cast, followed by Topher Grace, and indeed, it is their consistently great interplay that elevates a fairly pedestrian sitcom into something a bit more worthy. Something shown in syndication 12 times a week on the local CW affiliate here in Madison.

03: Michael Kelso [Ashton Kutcher]

Kelso is the true clown of the show, and as such, I believe Ashton Kutcher did a fairly remarkable job. Friends of mine who are serious about such things have vehemently disagreed with me on this very subject, but I believe Kutcher's physical comedy is rather impressive, as was his portrayal of a beautiful, narcissistic dumbass. Kutcher was a male model previous to his acting career, but he can't be a complete bubblehead, or a bad actor, to play such a clown so well. Good clowns are rare. Kramer is the gold standard in recent years, but Kelso more than holds his own, I'd say.

02: Kitty Forman [Debra Jo Rupp]

That voice. That nervous laugh. Kitty had Eric's back, and when she didn't, you could still see and feel her love for her son. She was often the rare voice of reason on the show, at least until she started going through menopause around season 5, and whether you want to admit it or not, Kitty is a MILF. Kelso and Fez say as much on a couple of occasions.

01: Donna Pinciotti [Laura Prepon]

C'mon, it's Hot Donna. A tall, redheaded glass of Hot and Cool...And when she went blonde, she didn't lose an ounce of it - she possibly got even hotter. Donna. The most perfect girlfriend in the history of television? Smart, rational, funloving, understanding, writes short stories, works at a radio station, and truly loves the awesome averageness that is Eric, he of the sunken chest and ass lack...While I realize television isn't real, I somehow believe that there really are Donna Pinciotti's in this world. Hello Wisconsin!


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Tuesday Hot Poop Filler

This is DJ Svelte Teddy, possibly better known to you as President Theodore Roosevelt. He's one of the ridiculously stupid DJ characters I whipped up for a KIETH THE PERPETUAL TEEN "episode" tentatively entitled Sheriff Omar & The Pile Of Dead Disc Jockeys.

Basically, someone is killing all the DJs of ???

You know, I've been drawing KTPT on and off for 22 years, and I still don't know where the comic strip takes place. Hmmmm...

Anyways, a whole bunch of famously imaginary DJs get killed, and of course, Kieth is immediately made the prime suspect. Alot of dumb things are said by all your favorite KTPT characters, several beards are worn as disguises, drugs are consumed - all the usual stuff.

So, yeah, this is DJ Svelte Teddy. Hot Poop filler for this Tuesday in June.

Hotcha! Hank

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24 June 2007

2007 Laminated List # 5

Remember FRIENDS, episode 3.05? The One With Frank, Jr.?

It's the episode where Ross bumps Isabella Rossellini off of his "Laminated List" , and then meets Ms. Rossellini at Central Perk cuz that's just the way sitcoms tend to work, right?

Ross fesses up to the bumping, to which Isabella replies, "You know, it's ironic, because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys, and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there."

Anyways, Rosario Dawson is #5 on my own Laminated List. Unlike Ross, mine isn't printed from Microsoft Word and actually laminated.
Exotic. Exceedingly Hawt. Seemingly Cool. Writes her own comic book. Has lips that Angelina Jolie, Jessica Biel, and a nation of insecure Cougars would die or pay good money for...Hmmm, maybe Ms. Dawson should be higher on my list...

Hotcha! Hank

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Click To Enlarge

These are the covers of the used CDs I bought at Pre-Played yesterday. Perhaps these images are useful for tagging your own mp3 files, otherwise, this is just more Hot Poop filler.

Hotcha! Hank

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Lobster Day Parade

I don't have cable television, so I am forced to endure the inferior size and quality of YouTube, or somehow manage to work things like this to the top of my Netflix queue. Anyways, I've watched enough Tom Goes To The Mayor lumpen on the internet to say with some confidence that I really don't know what to think of the show. On the one hand, it makes me chuckle quite frequently, laugh out loud less frequently, and make me think exactly once every six minutes. This clip is apparently a webisode, and lends further credence to my tepid opinion that David Cross is generally overrated, although I'm willing to admit that his turn as Tobias Funke on Arrested Development was nothing short of brilliant. Anyways, the Thumbs up Monkey undoubtedly loves it all.

Hotcha! Hank

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YouTube Sans Nipple Sideways Maneuver

This is a live Berg Sans Nipple performance of "An Eternity In Purgatory", from Denmark, circa 2004. It is fairly unremarkable.

Hotcha! Hank

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Netflix Notes: 24June2007

Fletch Lives [1989]

I had rented the original Fletch a week earlier, and had found that one to hold up remarkably well, and show Chevy Chase in fine form...In fact, I'd argue his work in the first Fletch was the high point of his career. I cannot say the same about Fletch Lives, wherein Chase seems a bit sluggish, and appears to be sticking pretty close to a script that is clunky and not very funny. There is a somewhat surreal dream sequence very early in the movie, and it really sticks out in hindsight because it is the ONLY dream sequence in the film. As I recall, there was only one dream sequence in the original, and in the filmmaking rulebook in my mind, this is a mistake, because you either do several dream sequences, or none at all. Elsewhere in Fletch Lives there are Southern stereotypes of all sorts, because this is yr typical "fish out of water" story, with LA journalist Fletch inhereting a decrepit southern manor in Louisiana. Fletch encounters bikers, preachers, rednecks, Klansmen, an evil corporation dumping toxic sludge, not to mention a questionable House Negro named Calculus Entropy, as played without much ado by Cleavon Little. Of course, because it's Fletch, there are a bunch of costumes/disguises throughout. Keeping with the idea of diminished returns, the disguises in Fletch Lives aren't as good or convincing or inspired as those from the original, and the same might be said of the pseudonyms Fletch uses for these "characters"...The only good reason I might have to recommend this film, is if you have a desire to see Randall "Tex" Cobb, shirtless and wearing blue eye shadow for about 30 seconds. 2 out of 5

Summer Rental [1985]

John Candy is a burnt out air traffic controller [there are alot of air traffic controller characters in '80's cinema, isn't there?] named Jack Chester who is forced by his boss to take a much needed vacation, so Jack loads up the car and his family, and they're off to to a time-share beachfront house in Florida for a few weeks...Hilarity is supposed to ensue at this point, but really, it doesn't. I remember liking Summer Rental when I saw it in the theaters with a couple of friends in 1985, but maybe that's just my absolute worship of John Candy, which mostly continues to this day. But to be fair and honest, through the lense of 2007, this film now plays as bonafide family fare, with the exception of half-dozen naughty words sprinkled throughout. Candy as Jack Chester is a mostly lovable shlub, and his physical comedy, as usual, is top-notch, but none of it is actually very funny. Rip Torn plays Scully The Buccaneer, but it's rather unremarkable if yr a fan of his work as Arthur on The Larry Sanders Show, and the heavy is played by Richard Crenna as only Richard Crenna can, and if you know what I mean, then maybe this movie really is meant for you. Otherwise, a young Joey Lawrence plays one of Candy's kids, and maybe he's yr thing... 2 out of 5

Volunteers [1985]

Another John Candy film from 1985, although Tom Hanks gets top-billing here, in what I believe is his fifth feature film. It's also worth mentioning that Volunteers was the second time Hanks and Candy had worked together, the first being Splash from the previous year. If yr thinking that maybe this film kinda reeks of "cashing in" on that film's bonafide success, you may be right, although it can be said that the two actors do work well together...Also of note, this is the film on which Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson met, and right now, they must be one of the longest-married couples in Hollywood...As for the film itself...It's really not that bad...Hanks ably plays the smarmy rich college graduate, who ends up in the Peace Corps in Thailand, trying to run away from a gambling debt. For such a crass cad, Hanks makes us like and care for him, and while the "romance" between him and Wilson's character, Beth Wexler, is neccesary in this kind of film, it still feels a bit intrusive in the overall film, and even unlikely, despite the pair's obvious chemistry. For his part, John Candy plays Tom Tuttle from Tacoma, Washington with great gusto, in a role that plays to his strengths, and feels like something ripped from his old SCTV playbook...What we end up with is 105 minutes of blackmarket warlords, Communists, volunteer do-gooders, crooked military men, alot of opium smoking and drug references, a bridge over the river ???, and the lesson that Capitalism, Communism, and Organized Crime are equally adept at getting things done, as long as there is plenty of cheap labor to exploit. Several one liners had me laughing out loud, and overall, it's a pretty solid comedy that shows a bit why Hanks would go on to become a true superstar leading man. 3 out of 5


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Something 4 The Weekend # 37

I don't know where Berg Sans Nipple are from, but I like the 4 song EP I downloaded from eMusic last week...This song reminds me a bit of Can, in it's way.

Something 4 the END of the weekend, I guess...

Hotcha! Hank

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Semi-Random Blog Filler

This is a picture of "Bones Woods", a small forest that was about three blocks from my childhood home in Grafton. My friends and I called it "Bones Woods" because we literally found alot of bones, and sometimes whole skeletons, half-buried within...Once upon a time, I had three pig, four chicken, and three squirrel skulls sitting on a shelf in my bedroom...Yes, they were bleached clean, and no, I didn't worship anything creepy or evil. I mean, I ended up only 6 credits short of an Anthropology degree. That's almost fate. Of course, I changed majors in my junior year of my own free will. Or was/is it my fear of the required 400-level Anthropological Statistics class?

Alot of pig bones in that woods. Small game, too, like squirrels and rabbits...Chickens, like I mentioned, and I recall a couple of snake skeletons...There were at least a couple of small red foxes that denned in Bones Woods, and I'm guessing they were responsible for the smaller stuff...The pigs? Who knows...Maybe that's where the farmer disposed his dead animals. Maybe that's where they used to forage freely, long before my friends and I moved to town.

Bones Woods was where we used to play alot of "War"...Choose up sides and arm up with fake guns, real helmets, and our hunting camouflage, which almost all of us had, cuz hey, it's Wisconsin, and the hunting tradition was still fairly strong in the lower middle class, even out there in the fresh new suburbs of Milwaukee...We even had fairly permanent forts constructed out of fallen logs and branches...Pine cone grenades...Acorn slingshot whizbang...

We kind of outgrew that kind of PLAY by the time we hit middle school...By then we were using Bones Woods for racing our 20" bikes through and around, because Bones Woods was pretty hilly, and had alot of good, natural jumps and obstacles throughout...Good, clean boyish fun, and the only other interesting note about this is that Cory, Nick and I built our own 20" bikes, using parts we'd find/beg/buy/steal from wherever...I think it was during my 7th grade year that I had four 20" home-made bikes, one of which I "chopped" by welding two sets of front forks together, and installing a huge monkey bar (seat post) from an old Schwinn...The three of us also sold a few bikes we had built...I seem to recall $30 being the going rate...Pretty cheap, even for 1977...1978, but that bought us a hella lot of plays at the Electric Connection, the video game arcade at the newly opened Manchester Mall...

One last blather about this pic...By 1977, the cornfields along the bottom edge of this pic had already been turned into Kohl's Department and Grocery Store, and the aforementioned mall....In 1979 or 1980, Paul W. once stole a set of skateboard wheels from a hobby shop in the mall, and tried escaping through the cornfields next to Bones Woods...The Red X that you see is where he was tackled by Security, and dragged back to the store...I wasn't there, but I played alot of basketball with Paul, so you know, the story got told and retold through our high school years - in the lockerroom, at parties...

From the pic, you can see that Bones Woods and the surrounding cornfields/farm, are gone. I'm not sad about this, but it's worth a few minutes of nostalgia, I figure...Hot Poop filler, babycakes!

Hotcha! Hank

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6 Potential HANK RANKS (That Likely Won't Get Posted)


06: My 11 Favorite German Philosophers AND/OR First Person Shooters on the XBox

05: The 3 Most Overpriced Strains of Weed on the UW Campus

04: 9 Types Of Industrial Pollution

03: The 4 Arnold Schwartzenegger Movies I Don't Hate

02: 5 Sexual Positions I Can't Perform For More Than A Minute Or Two Because Of The Arthritis In My Left Knee

01: The 7 Matts I Know


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21 June 2007


Via Boing Boing, this video is being touted as the funniest 5 seconds on the internet. I dunno if that's necessarily true, but I have to admit, it holds up well to repeated viewings. I've watched it roughly 47 times so far. I wonder what the funniest 3 seconds on the internet might be.

Hotcha! Hank

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12 June 2007

Random Stripping Event: 12June2007

Full of young, dumb cum. 100%!


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06 June 2007


I'm speechless.


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01 June 2007

Something 4 The Weekend # 36

We're heading towards the halfway point of 2007, and Battles' CD, Mirrored, is quickly shaping up to be one of my favorite albums of the year, nevermind that it didn't hit the stores until two weeks ago...

I hear bits of Peter Gabriel-era Genesis and Animal Collective in this band...The Krautrock legends Can also seem to be a touchstone...I also hear shades of Don Caballero, but then, Battles' guitarist Ian Wiliams used to be in that band...They've got this groovy trance quality to 'em, and yet they're quite "complicated"...Add Tyondai Braxton's unique vocals, which emphasize sound and rhythm rather than textual meaning, and the result is quite exciting and fairly unique...Despite the namechecking, I've never heard a band or album quite like this, and at the age of 41, that's a fairly rare occurrence...Judging by the band's buzz around the internet, I'm not the only one...Should make many year-end best-of lists...

Hotcha! Hank

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It's the beginning of another month, and that can mean only one thing - a new EVERYTHINGATHON! podcast over at Thee BST...

This month, it's all about 1966, the year I was born...Not only do I spin a bunch of tunes from that year, but I also try to make sense of the American sociopolitical landscape of the time...It all adds up to one of the top ten EVERYTHINGATHON! podcasts EVER, of which there are now sixty-six...

See how that works?

Anyways, I urge you to click on over to the EVERYTHINGATHON! page, and have a listen...

MCMLXVI, available until July 1st...

Hotcha! Hank

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