30 January 2009

Something 4 The Weekend # 104

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Second Helping: "Call Me The Breeze" [mp3]

Lynyrd Skynyrd's longtime keyboardist Billy Powell died of a heart attack this Wednesday at the age of 56...With his passing, guitarist Gary Rossington remains the only living member of the original band...Sad but true, though the band itself...Well, we all know what happened...

Now, if I wanted to really honor Billy Powell, I suppose I should stream "Freebird" here and now, because it was Powell's piano arrangement of that song that not only got him promoted from roadie to keyboardist, but his arrangement that ended up on the band's debut album...

But I simply don't...can't...stream that song...Not even the original demo version that is thick with Powell's piano...No, we've all heard "Freebird" enough in this lifetime, and I say that as someone who considers Lynyrd Skynyrd one of the four or five greatest rock bands in the geezer pantheon...

So, here we are..."Call Me The Breeze"...Sticky boogie, it is, but more to the point, Billy Powell has a solo in the middle, and after he does his thing for twelve bars, yr thinking, "meh, that was alright", he then launches into a second dozen that's got a spot more piss and fire...If you've listened to dinosaur radio at all in yr life (if yr old like like me) you've probably heard this song a few times...Enough times that Powell's solo has kinda become iconic...Not as iconic and even legendary as "Freebird", of course, but damn good playing on a classic summer song, something that feels good and needed after running around today in the biting cold of late January.

RIP, Billy Powell...You kept a great band choogling along...

Hotcha! Hank

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29 January 2009

Dude, I Think That Chick Is Stoned!

Hotcha! Hank

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Maneuver Kid Charlemagne Sideways

"You go to L.A. on a dare, and you go it alone..."

Hotcha! Hank

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27 January 2009

Tuesday's Fortune: 27 January 2009

MEAL: 1 Vegetable Spring Roll + 1 small order Chicken Lo Mein = $5.35 + $1.65 tip

Hotcha! Hank

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23 January 2009

[insert nuts pun here]

Today is Squirrel Appreciation Day. Can you believe this shit?

It's an annual holiday started in 2001 by a "wildlife rehabilitator" in North Carolina named Christy Hargrove. Eight years later, and a reported 87 million Americans celebrate the day by stuffing their cheeks full of peanuts and running around on rooftops. Or something.

I don't know. The whole thing is ridiculous. Squirrels are among the vilest creatures nature ever created. They are bloodthirsty, and they are cute, and they are among us. If I appreciate anything about squirrels, it is their ability to kill humans.

Fucking squirrels.

Christy Hargrove and the rest of you are DOOMED, and there you are, celebrating your destroyers.

Hotcha! Hank


Sideways Hot Napalm Death Poop Filler Maneuver

A Word With Moshammer's Ghost


Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French dilater, from Latin dilatare, literally, to spread wide, from dis- + latus wide

Date: 14th century

1: expanded laterally; especially being flat and widened; My cousin Chico's head was so big when he was born, that my aunt Judine's cervix was dilated 13 centimeters.

2: expanded normally or abnormally in all dimensions; My eyes were so dilated I was seeing interdimensional witches, dude.

Hotcha! Hank

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Something 4 The Weekend # 103

Steely Dan: Pretzel Logic: "Any Major Dude Will Tell You" [mp3]

I think we'd all agree that there are different kinds of dudes...

My neighbor Jeff has the tattoos and gear to suggest he used to ride a Harley, and probably did some time in the drunktank and county/state lockup once or twice in his younger years...I haven't asked...He's a kind of dude...The kind you don't ask too many question...

My neighbor on the other side, Andy, wears NBA gear and did some time in a fraternity at UW-Oshkosh...He's the kind of dude who plays beer pong and online poker, and when he shoots hoops on his driveway, he pumps Jay-Z and whatnot from the booming system in his enormous and shiny black Ford F-250 pickup truck...In a college town like Madison, there are tons of these dudes...

I'm a third kind of dude, right in the middle of these other two dudes...I smoke a pipe and try to abide, you know? I'm the kind of dude who wears a bathrobe and goattee, and believes that a solid Steely Dan mix can bring a room together as well as a good rug...

Mr. Bryant down on the corner of my street is a retired Army Captain...That's one rank below Major, but believe me, old man Bryant is a major dude...Just imagine Jack Bauer at 60...Totally a major dude...

That's four different kinds of dudes on just my block...

Anyways...100 years ago, a true dude was a rich and ostentatious man-about-town who was crass and stupid...Ill-mannered and poorly-educated...

Nowadays, chicks can be dudes (though I'd never call 'em "dudettes"), and dudes are everywhere...Or maybe it just seems that way because so many dudes call everyone else a "dude" cuz pop culture makes us...I know I call dudes "dudes", and I call chicks "chicks", cuz that's the kind of dude I am, man...

Hotcha! Hank

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22 January 2009

Breakdown Dead Ahead

Kinda like that exploding banana head video from the other day...


Hotcha! Hank

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21 January 2009

A Boy Named Fathead

Lonnie Smith: Boogaloo To Beck: "Loser" [mp3]

I suppose when yr high school music teacher calls you "Fathead" in front of the entire class, well, that's the kind of nickname that'll often stick to a person, and David Newman did the best thing he could when saddled with this burden- he learned to work the saxophone and made a 55 year career as a Jazz musician outta it...

David "Fathead" Newman released 38 albums as a solo artist, but he's mostly known as a sideman and hired gun...He played in Ray Charles' band for the first twelve years of his professional life, then did another ten with Herbie Mann...After that it was another three decades leading his own revolving band of musicians, and guest-blowing on dozens of other artists with famous names. Aretha Franklin. B.B. King. Eric Clapton. Dr. John.

Here he is blowing his tenor sax for Lonnie Smith on this Beck tribute album...Oh my!

RIP, Fathead.

Hotcha! Hank

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20 January 2009

Tuesday's Fortune: 20 January 2009

MEAL: 1 order (8) Crab Rangoon + 1 small order Pineapple Fried Rice = $7.90 + $1.10 tip

Hotcha! Hank

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16 January 2009

Something 4 The Weekend # 102

Over the past few days, overnight temperatures here in the Madison area have hovered around -30 to -45 fahrenheit, which is the coldest weather we've had since 1994, and yet, no records were set. Yeah, it gets that cold here in Wisconsin from time to time...
Which is why I am currently getting hammered on hot-buttered rum, which in turn is making me all emo and shit, and so I sit here typing this and wondering why I bother with this blog.
(Oh yes, it's come to this again)
I am staring into the abyss here, people. An URL of nothingness. A single flake in a field of snow.
Yes, we are all unique like snowflakes, as they say, but uniqueness in and of itself is nearly meaningless, and besides, come spring, all this cold will be gone, and the snow, melted away.
Hotcha! Hank

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13 January 2009

Tuesday's Fortune: 13 January 2009

MEAL: 1 Roast Pork Egg Roll + 1 small order Pork Lo Mein = $5.35 + $1.65 tip

Hotcha! Hank

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10 January 2009

Something 4 The Weekend #101

The Stooges' guitarist Ron Asheton passed away this past Tuesday at the age of 60 of an apparent heart attack, and so we have lost one of the unsung heroes of Rock history, in that The Stooges have had such a huge impact on Punk and Garage Rock in the 40+ years since their debut, and yet they never sold many records, and the "Rock Establishment" has yet to vote the band into the Rock'n'Roll Hall Of Fame.
Now, whenever I mention the RNRHOF I always bring up the question of the importance and relevance of such an institution pertaining to a music that began as a counterculture movement and was decidedly anti-institutional. Of course, alot has changed since the middle of the last century, and nowadays Rock'n'Roll is no more countercultural than The Jonas Brothers, having long ago been turned into a commodity.
Even The Stooges became a commodity of sorts over the years, especially when the original line-up reformed and released The Weirdness album in 2006, seemingly cashing in on their heightened cache among hipsters and wannabe punks, and their ever-growing legion of namechecking fans among so many newer, younger bands...
Whatever...The Stooges were a blast of hot, sweaty fun when they hit the scene in 1967, and in that year, that era, it might be argued that there were no other bands quite as heavy or quite as garage as these guys were, and yeah, in hindsight, they were definitely Punk, and we can all shine the spotlight on Iggy Pop, but The Stooges were first and foremost a band, and if they were iconoclasts and vanguards, Ron Asheton's gnarly guitar had as much to do with it as Iggy's histrionics.
RIP, Ron Asheton. It's too bad The Stooges are likely going to gain admittance, at last, into the RNRHOF, and yr not gonna be around to take yr bow. Life is cruel that way.
Hotcha! Hank

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07 January 2009


Another month, another EVERYTHINGATHON! podcast over at the site of the same name...

And once again, as we do each January, we feature the final hour of Mitch Lovitz's countdown of the 50 most requested songs at WBST 109.5 FM here in Madison during the past year...Simple as that...

Available until February 1st...Enjoy!

Hotcha! Hank

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06 January 2009

Tuesday's Fortune: 6 January 2009

MEAL: 2 Vegetable Spring Rolls + 1 small order Sweet & Sour Chicken = $6.90 + $1.10 tip

Hotcha! Hank

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Dada Is As Dada Destroys

I find this video unsettling, and yet, utterly fascinating at the same time, which is exactly as it should be.

Hotcha! Hank

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05 January 2009

On The Twelfth Day Of Christmas



"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." - Rita Mae Brown

"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." - Eric Hoffer

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." - Jules de Gaultier

"I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions." - Dorothy Day

"If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things." - Norman Douglas

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." - The Dalai Lama

"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." - Abraham Lincoln

"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind." - Aristotle

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." - Douglas Adams

"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." - Blaise Pascal

"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think." - Horace Walpole

"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." - Frank Lloyd Wright

Hotcha! Hank


04 January 2009

On The Eleventh Day Of Christmas

I give to thee...ELEVEN+ MINUTES OF FRANK ZAPPA and "The best band you never heard in your life." Aiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi, bowachapoooo, deeedeeeekachit, tingtangullllllllllllllagoooooo...


Frank Zappa: Make A Jazz Noise Here: "Big Swifty" [mp3]

As a 93% hardcore Zappa freak, trust me when I tell you that this is one of the single finest recordings of any of Frank's "classic" songs in his entire, enormous catalog...11+ minutes of impeccable playing, as individuals and as a big band collective, plus just the right amount of humor, which always has a place in music...Especially Jazz, which had already been smelling funny for years when "the best band you never heard of in your life" went on tour in 1988.

Hotcha! Hank

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03 January 2009

On The Tenth Day Of Christmas

I give to thee...MY 10 FAVORITE ALBUMS OF 2008...

If I still followed my usual pattern, this would be a list of my 42 favorite albums of 2008, because I'm 42 years old, and that's how I did my annual list since 1983, but you know what? I'm 42 years old, and I just ain't got that kinda jam anymore...Plus, when the ButterScotch Threshold collapsed upon itself through the Doom Portal back in the winter of 2007, well, let's just say I'm still in a rebuilding phase.


10: Fuck Buttons: Street Horrrsing [ATP] [Download At eMusic] I blathered about Post-Rock a few weeks ago when Mogwai streamed on S4TW, wondering what the fuck it was and what it meant, deciding, I guess, that it tended to involve long, textural jams, with simple melodies that are slowly built upon and mutated...And here we have Fuck Buttons, a band that builds monstrous, epic jams with keyboards and synths, going from a nearly silent extreme to that other extreme that absolutely blasts, and then back again to the pretty...This is how to do heavy without guitars.

09: Torche: Meanderthal [Hydra Head] [Download At Amazon] And this is how you do heavy with guitars, in a variety of styles and genres...From Doom through Pop Metal to Metalcore and Math Rock and back around to some Sludge and Doom Pop and a bit of Emo Thrash...Some of these tunes will singe yr ear hairs, others will merely be a hot blast of wind to the face, others are a punch to the gut and a knee to the teeth, but all of it is so brilliantly recorded that it sounds more thunderous than it really has any right to sound. I hope Josh Homme took some notes, cuz in his corner of the musical world, the game's done changed...

08: NOMO: Ghost Rock [Ubiquity Records] [Download At eMusic] When I featured NOMO on S4TW back in July, I wrote that Ghost Rock was "quickly becoming my favorite recording of 2008", and well, here we are at the start of 2009, and this rock-solid collection of "Post-Afrobeat" songs still hangs tough at #8. And this really is great stuff - borrowing liberally, of course, from the likes of Fela Kuti, and Kokono No. 9, and fusing that with modern electronics, and contemporary Euro-Jazz ala Jaga Jazzist or Shining...Kalimbas collide with clarinets, and congas mix with trombones and saxophones, and here's some Nigerian Polka, there's some Malian Swing...Meanwhile, fat loping bass runs all the way through, and so they touch on Dub and Reggae as well...This is a good groove, babycakes, heady and haunting and still it'll make you move...

07: Marnie Stern: This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That [Kill Rock Stars] [Download At eMusic] I must admit, I find myself rather attracted to Marnie Stern...She's short and blonde and perky and cute, and she might be the only musician alive, male or female, who can rock a headband and make it work, and that includes Keith Richards...And she's got these small cute hands, and they're perky too, the way they play the fuck outta her guitar, the way they are able to actually play these crazy-assed songs that she's got running through her head, and trust me, these songs are anything but easy...Which is maybe why this album doesn't rank higher...I mean, speaking strictly from an aesthetic p.o.v., Marnie Stern's music is easily the most unique stuff I've heard in several years, and more to the point, I've never heard anything quite like her ever, and that counts for a ton in my book...But this isn't an easy listen from beginning to end, and I find myself listening to 3 or 4 songs at a time, rather than the entire album, and this is a list of my favorite albums, after all...Anyways, I love you Marnie Stern, you are truly amazing.

06: Paul Weller: 22 Dreams [Yep Roc Records] [Download At eMusic] I'd have to agree with other Paul Weller aficionadoes, 22 Dreams isn't his best album, but it's still an ambitious, sprawling collection of impeccably written songs that touches on every style and aspect of his career thus far, and even a few new ideas thrown into the mix, which is what we still expect (and still receive) from the man after 30+ years in the game...Rustic balladry...Soulful Punk...Crusty Power Pop...Swaggering Rock'n'Roll...A voice that I believe is only getting better with age, singing lyrics as smart and detailed as ever, and you know what? He's a a rather remarkable guitar player too...21 new Paul Weller tunes? Hell yeah!

05: The Tallest Man On Earth: Shallow Grave [Gravitation Records/CD Baby] [Download At eMusic] The Tallest Man On Earth hails from Sweden, and alot of critics and fans have been talking about how this newcomer is the next Dylan, and of course they've been throwing out Woodie Guthrie's name as well, cuz what else ya gonna do when confronted with this guy's voice and guitar and songs? It's not that his voice sounds exactly like Bob Dylan's, but there's something there approaching the spirit and soul of the young Dylan, qualities difficult to explain. Personally, he sounds a bit like Mike Scott from The Waterboys to me, but that's an easy way out. This is simply a collection of stripped down Countryfolkblues tunes, rich with songcraft and lyrics, and it may not be quite as mesmerizing as Bon Iver, or as weird as Fleet Foxes, to name two other stellar Folk artists of 2008, but The Tallest Man On Earth is definitely the most traditionally heartfelt, rustic and real of them all this year.

04: Deastro: Keeper's [eMusic Selects] [Download At eMusic] Is it Dance Rock? Synth Pop? I dunno, but it's beautiful and loud (I'll forgive the poor EQing) and full of high-energy synth-heavy music that was made by a previously unknown 22 year old kid down in his parent's basement in Detroit, and that's gotta count for something...His hybrid of electro and indie rock (with some New Wave and even some Prog Rock thrown in for good measure) is rather stunning for someone so fresh - full of interesting ideas and lovely melodies, and I can only wonder what this Randolph Chabot will do in the future...Death Cab For M83, what you got? PLUS+++That's one of the strangest album covers I've seen in awhile...Oh my!

03: Jucifer: L'Autrichienne [Relapse Records] [Download At Amazon] This longplayer is 21 songs that cover every conceivable style of Electric Blues, Hard Rock, and Heavy Metal, plus some other things that run the margins and the in-betweens...Performed by a husband and wife duo that live in a Winnebago...Words cannot express the breadth and depth of this recording. Some of these songs are as insanely heavy as anything else on the Relapse label, and if you are familiar with Relapse, you know what I'm talking about...At other times, they do PJ Harvey better than Polly Jean herself has been doing lately, and if you think that the Raveonettes, The Kills, or even The White Stripes are the epitome of male/female power rock duos working these days, well then I'll know you don't know yr shit very well, cupcake. Jucifer. Get on it and get it on... 02: Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend [XL Recordings] [Download At eMusic] It's wiry and sparse New Wave Pop, and yet, the simplicity is deceptive, and the deception is sweet to my ears. Afro-Pop mingles with British Ska and hipster NYC New Wave, and Vampire Weekend is the perfect fucking name for this band and their music (this album cover is pretty outstanding too) because it's made for exactly those kinds of boho students and struggling dayjob-working artists who turn into vampires on the weekend, drinking seriously and dancing casually straight towards morning to literate and energetic music, a killin' house party where everyone involved is more than cool with The Indestructible Beat Of Soweto and More Songs About Buildings And Food, and when the band kicks in to a stripped down version of "You Can Call Me Al", everyone smiles and sings along without irony. So, Vampire Weekend has made a singularly good-to-great debut album, and now the pressure's gonna drop. What can they do next? Where can they go and where are they willing to go with their music? Is there a "Life During Wartime" in their future? Because if they stay in this place, and make another record too much like this one, well, that will be a shame. This one needs to stand alone, if it's going to stand up to time and opinion in the end...

01: Fucked Up: The Chemistry Of Common Life [Matador Records] [Download At eMusic] More than a few critics and casual listeners have been mentioning Husker Du when they talk about Fucked Up, and it's a comparison that's impossible to ignore, I suppose...When the band is going at full-bore, they do indeed sound a band dead set on re-inventing Zen Arcade...The Chemistry Of Common Life is a larger-than-life record, enormously ambitious by Hardcore standards, and more than willing to ignore many of the genre's rules, written and unwritten, in order to make something approaching monolithic. This is a beautifully heavy record (and that includes Pink Eye's growling, howling vocals), dense with ideas and countless melodies and riffs and layers and sounds that it stands up remarkably well to repeated listens. A record with legs, and quite possibly a classic in the making. My favorite record of 2008.

Hotcha! Hank

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02 January 2009

On The Ninth Day Of Christmas

I give to thee...NINE FINE SKYLINES...

Because I've got way too many of these kinds of photos on my assorted harddrives and CDr's...In fact, this may become a weekly feature around here...


Amman, Jordan

Hong Kong, China

Stockholm, Sweden

Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Tel Aviv, Israel

Mumbai, India

Nashville, Tennessee

Prague, Czech Republic

Tokyo, Japan
Hotcha! Hank

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Something 4 The Weekend # 100

For this, the 100th installment of S4TW, I thought I'd do something a little extra, and cull a song from each of my ten desert island discs...Simple as that...


10: Pink Floyd: Animals: "Pigs (Three Different Ones)" [mp3] It was a girl that introduced me to Pink Floyd...It happened in 6th grade music class, when each of us had to present a 15 minute radio show LIVE in front of the class, and this girl, Suzy R_ played two or three Pink Floyd songs, which she had borrowed from her older sister's record collection...Long story short, my crush on Suzy faded fast, but my love for Pink Floyd, and the Animals album in particular, has endured...I have way too many memories of this album to recount here, but after 30 years I still listen to it with regularity, and it still mesmerizes...

09: Frank Zappa: Zappa In New York: "The Torture Never Stops" [mp3] I couldn't be deserted on that island without some Zappa, but I had a fuck of a time trying to decide which ONE Zappa album outta 78 official releases (as of 30 seconds ago) I was gonna bring with me...Sheik Yerbouti was the first Zappa album I ever bought, and I have a great fondness for that double LP, but in the end, I had to go with this one...It's LIVE, and that seemed important...It's got sophisticated narration by Don Pardo, and that's dynamite...It's got several filthy songs for my filthy mind, and it's got other songs for the perpetually young sophisticate in me...Plus+++Plenty of Frank shutting up and playing his guitar...

08: Sonny Sharrock: Ask The Ages: "Once Upon A Time" [mp3] Some of the most furious guitar shredding I've ever heard in my life is on this album, courtesy of Mr. Sharrock, and it's a Jazz album, not a rock album! Ask The Ages also has the single most beautiful guitar playing I've ever heard on the song "Who Does She Hope To Be?" which you can hear HERE...I chose this particular song because it features a lengthy drum solo introduction by the legendary Elvin Jones, and sometimes, ya just gotta give the drummer some...RIP, Sonny...RIP, Elvin...

07: Talking Heads: The Name Of This Band Is Talking Heads: "Memories (Can't Wait)" [mp3] This album is also about a girl, at a party, up against an armoire, while the Talking Heads pumped and pulsed from the floor below...I love the Talking Heads, and this double live album not only documents some amazing performances by a stellar band, but works as the definitive greatest hits collection from those first four classic Talking Heads albums...

06: Elvis Costello & The Attractions: This Year's Model: "(I Don't Want To Go To) Chelsea" [mp3] I was twelve years old, and Creem and Rolling Stone magazines were telling me that I just had to listen to Elvis Costello, cuz he was the newest thing, and the realest deal, and so I listened, and I've been listening ever since...This Year's Model is his most perfect album to my ears, and anyways contains the most amount of EC songs I absolutely love...This song is one of 'em, and it's the last song on this list with parentheses in the title...

05: The Clash: London Calling: "Lost In The Supermarket" [mp3] I came to this album through the song "Train In Vain", which remains an all-time fave, which is exactly why I'm streaming "Lost In The Supermarket" here...LOL...What needs be said about London Calling? A perfect album?

04: The Kinks: Are The Village Green Preservation Society: "Animal Farm" [mp3] I came to The Kinks relatively late...Sometime in the mid-90's, I'd say, and I regret I didn't explore and embrace them sooner...I bought the Lola Vs. Powerman album first, cuz it had their biggest hit, and I found myself listening to the entire album from start to finish with some regularity...Same for the Arthur album, which came next...But it's the Village Green album that I have the most fondness for nowadays, and the one that makes me happiest when I want to listen to a Kinks album, and believe me, I have them all...

03: The Vapors: New Clear Days: "Spring Collection" [mp3] Again, it was a song, "Turning Japanese", that convinced me to buy the entire album, and it was one of the greatest decisions of my life...I've probably played New Clear Days more than any other recording in my entire life...I still listen to it at least once or twice a month...Everyone knows "Turning Japanese" but not nearly enough people know this entire album, and they really should...Their second and last album, Magnets, is pretty damn good, too...

02: R.E.M.: Life's Rich Pageant: "Begin The Begin" [mp3] I always say that R.E.M. are my "sentimental" favorite band of all time, and what I mean is that they may no longer be my absolute favorite band (That would probably be The Kinks these days), but once upon a time, and for several years, they meant more to me than any other band or musician has ever meant to me...I ate and slept and smoked and fucked and drove and wrote and showered to this band, and I believed that if I could unravel the mysteries of the band - Stipe's lyrics, Mill's bass, Buck's chords - I would discover something important. What that was, I had no idea...I'm still wondering, still searching...

01: Minutemen: Double Nickels On The Dime: "Two Beads At The End" [mp3] My favorite album of all time, another double LP, and didn't I get a super bang for my buck with this list of DESERT ISLAND DISCS???? This one's got 40, count 'em, 40 songs, PLUS+++Four car jams of exhaust...Breathe, babycakes...This is three dudes jamming econo, ranting about war and politics and partying, and it's sharp spiked songs at the brilliant intersection of Punk and Jazz, and I idolized D. Boon (RIP) cuz he ripped his Telecaster much faster than I could ever hope to...Me, with a slower hand than Clapton..."Do you want New Wave, or do you want the truth?"...This album is the definition of EPIC.

Hotcha! Hank

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01 January 2009

On The Eighth Day Of Christmas


[Wagering implied]


01: In defiant response to the passing of Proposition 8 in California, the Academy Of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences awards the Oscar for BEST ACTOR to Sean Penn for his portrayal of gay activist and politician, Harvey Milk in the film Milk. Sorry Mickey Rourke, although it's always an honor to even be nominated, isn't that what they say?

02: President Barack Obama is attacked by a gang of squirrels while taking a smoke break out in the White House rose garden...Secret Service agents are able to eliminate the small and furious attackers before the president is seriously hurt, but NOT before the entire scene is captured on a Sony DCR-HC62 MiniDV camcorder by a tourist from Houston, who's identity isn't coming to me at this time. This young man will become famous, however, when he sells the footage to YouTube for $600,000.

03: Paris Hilton will suddenly and unexpectedly marry David Lee Roth, and their honeymoon will be the basis for a reality show on VH1. The dynamite ratings will naturally lead to a second season, in which the couple record and album together and talk about having a baby...Paris wants a kid just like her old friend Nicole Ritchie, but it seems Diamond Dave's sperm aren't nearly as lively as they used to be...Stay tuned, babycakes, in Season Three we find out whether or not DLR has what it takes to knock up his all-American princess once and for all...

04: Spring flooding of the Mississippi River devastates farmland along the river, and in cities such as Dubuque and Burlington, Iowa, and St. Louis, Missouri...REO Speedwagon write and record a charity song about lost corn crops which fails to generate any interest among the general population.

05: The Carolina Panthers will defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers, 20 to 16 in Super Bowl XLIII at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida on February 1st, 2009. During Bruce Springsteen & The E-Street Band's halftime performance there will NOT be a wardrobe malfunction, however Clarence Clemons will purposefully whip out his dick on stage during "The Promised Land" portion of the second medley. A 3 second delay is enough to keep the footage off the air, but in March an unedited version starts showing up on P2P network filesharing sites, and soon becomes an internet sensation...Naturally Christian and Pro-Family groups are outraged, but the FCC has no idea who to sue.

06: In May, actor George Clooney is horribly disfigured in a freak deep-frying accident. A series of complicated facial-transplant surguries leave him looking like Kevin Spacey.

07: Sometime in the first half of 2009 this very HOT POOP blog will begin to use Google Adsense. As a result, I will make 16 cents a month from this site, and can finally put "professional blogger" on my business card.

08: Scientists in Finland will make the startling discovery that puppies cause cancer. Two months later the less-startling discovery will be made that those Finnish scientists were funded by Cat Fancy Magazine to try boosting their subscription base. Ultimately, however, they will be vindicated when several other unbiased scientific teams determine that yes, puppies do indeed cause cancer, as well as Type II Diabetes.

Hotcha! Hank

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