Typical Sideways Maneuver

It's nearing 4am, and the bottle of Cockspur rum is slowly draining towards a noble death...I'm stumbling around YouTube and wondering if bassist Tessa Pollitt or any of The Slits are actually "chicks" by my silly and arbitrary definition...

Hotcha! Hank

Sideways Maneuver Is Moving To Define (So Say So, So Say So)

7+ minutes that should leave no doubt as to why Tina Weymouth is the #1 all-time "chick on bass". This song (and all Talking Heads songs, really) moves on her big, deep bed of groove, the swiveling hips of a song about celebratory, communal dance - the bouncing hips of maidens all around the world, dancing for the young buck drummers, with the sweaty young drummers, since the days when we slept in trees and caves and nobody wore shirts.

Moving to define the world.

Hotcha! Hank

Kissing Sideways Maneuver's Families

Silversun Pickups' bassist and singer Nikki Monninger is the reason for ranking 29 chicks on bass in the previous post (the band was on Letterman the other night). She's definitely the best part of a good (but not yet game-changing) band, she's quite lovely, seems to be kinda tall, she does The Pogo, and in this video she is wearing the exact same style of shoes that are sitting by my front door right now - Chocolate Low-Top Chuck Taylors...I do not have a Video Wizard t-shirt, however...Or red short-shorts.

"Smitten" is a good word...

Plus +++ Kitten and grilled cheese sandwiches!

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 27

29 Chicks On Bass

If I've learned anything at Jezebel, it's that plenty of women of today don't like the term "chick", but then again, I suppose plenty of women weren't too keen on that word long before there were websites where they could voice their disdain...Now, I don't think there is a blinding hatred for the term "chick", but among women who care about the soft misogyny of this kind of word, I believe "annoyed" might be the proper adjective. Now, "chickie" might elicit a more heated response, but this ain't the Rat Pack era, and nobody really uses that term anymore...

So, maybe I'm some sort of tool for calling women "chicks", but I'm a tool that reads Jezebel...

I'm also a dude who posted a picture of Ali Larter's ass two days ago, so who the hell knows what to make of all this except I'm making entirely too much of all this...

Here's the thing, babycakes (a term of endearment I often use that is directed at both genders) - "chick" isn't really meant as a demeaning, belittling term - not by me, and I dare say, not by most men who use the word liberally in casual conversation...It's nothing more and nothing less than a female version of "dude", and I don't believe there's a dude alive who gets offended when other dudes (and chicks) call him "dude".

And here's where we get to the tender heart of this matter - women who play bass in rock bands are exactly the kind of women who deserve to be called "chicks", who often get called "chicks", and who have really earned the right, I'd say. Most of the women I've known who might rightly be called "chicks" were pretty fucking righteous, and yeah, a couple of 'em played bass (thanks to Kim Deal). I wasn't cool enough to get close to most of 'em, and the two or three I managed to attract didn't stay interested for long.

Those are chicks.

I could have listed more than 29 chicks on bass. Alot more, but I think at 29, I've made some sort of point. That point being - damn, there are a hella lot of chicks who play bass. Why is that? Maybe Billy Corgan could give us a clue - he's had at least three chicks working the low end for him over the years...

How many chicks are there on bass? So many that I came up with the band name ...And You Shall Know Us By The Chick On Bass, which is somewhere on my NAME THAT BAND list...

Anyways...The #1 all-time greatest chick on bass was never in question, and nows a good time to mention that I do believe that "the world moves on a woman's hips"...

The rest are ranked according to a complex matrix of musical ability, historical importance, personal taste, sex appeal, units shifted, footwear, and caprice.

See below...

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

29: Sean Yseult: White Zombie
28: Donna Dresch: Team Dresch
27: Kristin Pfaff: Hole
26: Jill Cuniff: Luscious Jackson
25: Suzi Quatro: solo artist
24: Josephine Wiggs: The Breeders
23: Vicki Blue: The Runaways
22: Tracy Wormworth: The Waitresses, The B-52's
21: Maya Ford: The Donnas
20: Rachel Haden: That Dog, The Rentals, Todd Rundgren
19: Melissa Auf der Maur: Hole, Smashing Pumpkins
18: Gina Birch: The Raincoats
17: Paz Lenchantin: A Perfect Circle, Zwan
16: Jennifer Finch: L7
15: Johnette Napolitano: Concrete Blonde
14: Kathy Valentine: The Go-Go's
13: Meshell Ndegeocello: solo artist
12: Naomi Yang: Galaxy 500, Damon & Naomi
11: Britta Phillips: Luna, Dean & Britta
10: Laura Ballance: Superchunk
09: D'Arcy Wretzky: Smashing Pumpkins
08: Tessa Pollitt: The Slits
07: Kim Gordon: Sonic Youth, Free Kitten, Ciccone Youth
06: Nikki Monninger: Silversun Pickups
05: Kim Deal: The Pixies, The Breeders, The Amps
04: Micki Steele: The Runaways, The Bangles
03: Kira Roessler: Black Flag, Dos
02: Sara Lee: Gang Of Four, The B-52's
01: Tina Weymouth: Talking Heads

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 129

Superchunk: Tossing Seeds: "Slack Motherfucker" [mp3]

The recording is shit, so who the fuck knows what Mac McCaughan is sputtering and spitting about in the verses...But the verses hardly matter in a song like this, charging hard towards the choruses, those glorious choruses...

"I'm working, but I'm not working for you!!! Slack Motherfucker!!!!!"

I'll tell you what - back in '89 or so, I was working, but I really wasn't working for anyone. I had a paper route for The Milwaukee Journal, and technically I was a private contractor. As such, I drove around out in the middle of fucking nowhere Wisconsin, 75-80 miles a day, delivering newspapers to farmers and the occasional enclave of McMansions out in the middle of what used to be corn fields. It was a great job, really - driving around, blasting tunes, puffing on a pipe - no boss, no homework - not a care in the world.

This brilliant Superchunk song got plenty of play in the tape deck in those days, because this was and will always be one of the great rock anthems of all time, one custom-built for the road...For flooring the gas cuz the next customer is over the hill and 1.6 miles away...Try not shouting along with the choruses as you burn around a curve in the countryside.

Which is exactly what I'm planning to do this weekend because there's a Mustard Festival in Mount Horeb, and that town is freaky enough without a pipe to puff, Superchunk be damned. I mean, just imagine an old German village obsessed with mustard and trolls, then pretend you have an undiagnosed and unmedicated disassociative disorder and a large wad of cash in yr pocket.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a drive through the countryside towards Mount Horeb this weekend, towards the mustard and the trolls, and the troll mustard and the fat Norwegian waitress who serves me Kylling Dyppers for dipping into aforementioned troll mustard.

And if that ain't enough, the town has an outrageous Christmas fixation. It's one of those places that dot our land that celebrate all things X-Mas all year round, and so there are gift shops in Mount Horeb. So many gift shoppes for such a small, lazy hamlet. Gift shoppes selling troll lumpen, and gift shops selling Santa shtuff, and all of 'em selling jars and jars and jars of every kind of mustard imaginable, and several dozen more that are unimaginable.

Including the aforementioned troll mustard, if you know where to look, and I'm not telling, you slack motherfuckers...

MOTHERRRFUCKERRRRRSSSSS!

YOU MOOOOOTHERRRRRFUCKERRRRRRSSSSS!!!!!

*snicker*

Hotcha! Hank

Beefcake Equality!

Gotta balance things out a bit...A little Ali Larter ass, a little Nathan Fillion ass...

Hotcha! Hank

Do You Want Celebrity Ass, Or Do You Want The Truth?

This is a peek at Ali Larter's ass. Do you still wish you were a movie star?

"A richer understanding...Of what's already understood...No meanings from the here and now...What gift could be a work of art?...Can you call it the big foist?...I'm fucking overwhelmed!" -- Minutemen

Hotcha! Hank

Night Of The Living Bacon!

I was trying to think of something clever to write about bacon.

I thought about making fun of the internet's creepy and zombie-like obsession with bacon, but couldn't really come up with anything more astute or interesting than the idea that the vast majority of people on the internet are either too witless or too scared to have an original, non-zombie thought.

"BAAAAAACONNNNNN!!!!!"

Eventually, enough of the "right" internet pundits laud the glories of bacon, and pretty soon everybody is doing the same. You would think that bacon was some brilliant new discovery, the way we gush about it, but bacon has always been fucking delicious. Long before the internet and your low-carb diet, babycakes. I guess if there's a silver lining in all this, at least it can be said that the internet has actually embraced something worthwhile for a change. Unlike zombies or Nathan Fillion.

"FIIIILLLLLIONNNNNN!!!!!!"

I enjoy bacon. Not as much as butterscotch pudding, but my version of the BLT (butterscotch, lettuce and tomato) admittedly tastes like shit, so I won't bother going there...

I enjoy bacon, but cannot bring myself to creepily adore it. What I can do is create a BACON tag, and hope to drive some traffic towards this useless blog.

Now, would somebody please do everybody a favor, and write some fanfic regarding bacon and a zombified Nathan Fillion? Or a regular Nathan Fillion eating Zombie Bacon™?

That way, most of us win.

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 28 July 2009

MEAL: 1 Roast Pork Egg Roll + 1 small order Pork Mei Fun = $7.85 + $1.15 tip

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 128

James Gang: Rides Again: "The Bomber" [mp3]

So let's see - in a typical week, HOT POOP! includes a streaming MP3 each weekend, a video Sideways Maneuver related to that song, and a fucked up fortune cookie fortune every Tuesday...

And that's really about it, eh?

Man, this blog has turned into a giant pile of suck. Posting a bunch of apparently lame shit that nobody really cares about...I feel like I'm just kinda going through the motions with this blog lately, and I shouldn't be surprised that it can't generate any excitement or readers. Plus, I'm a pretty shitty writer with nothing worthwhile to say. Yeah, that helps...

I mean, I've received one reader comment in the past two months, and it was from a fucking customer service rep from Charter after I bitched about their horrible service. So, maybe you can understand my doubt and self-loathing about all this. Apparently I have nothing to say or share that anybody else actually gives a damn about...

So, here's a James Gang song, just to keep the irrelevance of HOT POOP! intact. Plus, a bunch more useless, self-pitying words...

Have a great weekend. I'm gonna sleep alot and try to decide whether or not this blog and EVERYTHINGATHON are worth my time anymore, and if so, whether or not I should simply post pictures of celebrities and snarky comments about how lame and ugly they are...It seems to me that's all anybody really cares about.

Celebrities and bacon. God shed his grace on thee.

Hotcha! Hank

Smells Like Rick Astley

I just had to share this...

Hotcha! Hank

The Pains Of Being Sideways Maneuver

Let's talk about customer service.

I'm certainly not the first person, or the 100th person, to lament the sad fucking state of customer service in this world of ours today, but I'm going to do it anyways.

Charter Communications...

Apparently my June payment got lost in the mail, because on July 7th I got a NOTICE TO DISCONNECT letter from Charter, stating that if I did not make full payment for June and July ($126.37) by July 19th, my modem would be disconnected. I sent a check for the full amount to Charter on the very same day I got their letter/bill.

On July 12th, 7 days before their July 19th deadline, my service was disconnected.

So I called Charter's billing department, explained the situation, and they were kind enough to mark my account as "promise to pay", and after speaking to three different people/departments, my service was reconnected.

On July 16th my service was disconnected again.

So I called Charter again, and explained that my service was disconnected PREMATURELY for the second time in 4 days, despite my previous call to Charter and the "promise to pay" note on my account. I noted my frustration about this, but then became incredibly pissed when the service rep proceeded to tell me that my payment had been received and applied to my account at 11 o'clock that morning, seven hours prior to the most recent disconnect.

Naturally, my first question was "Why was my service disconnected 7 hours AFTER payment in full had been applied to my account?" The rep tried explaining that a disconnect order for 6pm that day had already been placed on my account prior to payment received.

"But payment was received. Surely Charter is saavy enough to recognize that the account is paid in full and the disconnect order can be immediately removed with a couple mouse clicks."

"I'm sorry, but the disconnect order was already placed."

"Yeah, which brings me to my second issue - that disconnect order was placed for a date and time that preceded the actual JULY 19th disconnect deadline that Charter had stated clearly in their Notice To Disconnect letter."

"Yes, sir, but the disconnect order for 6pm today was already placed on your account."

"But don't you understand, that disconnect notice for today is 3 DAYS PREMATURE. Just like the July 12th disconnect was 7 days premature. If Charter tells me I have until July 19th to pay before service is disconnected, then my service shouldn't be disconnected before then, and especially TWICE in four days."

"I apologize sir for the inconvenience."

Blah blah blah...After making excuses for a minute or two, the rep then informed me that I would be charged and addition $2.95 on my next bill for a "reconnection fee".

I could only laugh at this and say "whatever".

After being transferred again from Customer Service to Billing to Tech Support, my service was reconnected. In the past week, there have been three different service outages in my part of Madison that totalled almost 8 hours. This is pretty normal for Charter in this area, but I've never been able to claim any credit on my account because of it.

Is it any wonder Charter Communications has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection? They charge ridiculous rates for crappy service. My only other option around here is TDS, and from what I've heard from customers and a friend who used to work there, TDS sucks just as hard as Charter.

Now, I thought about sharing my recent woes with Staples, but I've bitched long enough...

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 21 July 2009

MEAL: 2 Roast Pork Egg Rolls + 1 order (8) Crab Rangoon + 1 small order Pineapple Fried Rice + 1 large order Moo Shu Pork + 1 Fried Sweet Bun = $21.30 + $2.70 tip


Hotcha! Hank

Do You Remember Sideways Maneuver?

Well, I'm pretty sure this Kinks song isn't about Walter Cronkite, but it was one of the first things that went through my mind when I heard the news today, babycakes...

Plus, it's kinda hard to deny a video like this...

Hotcha! Hank

R.I.P. Uncle Walter

I don't have much to say about the passing of Walter Cronkite earlier today, except to say that when I was a kid my family ate dessert in the living room and watched the CBS Evening News. Thinking about it now, I have to say that it was an ingenious way to get my sister and me to know and even care about the news and current events.

Now, I was too young (4 years old) to remember this particular footage, but it's a trim 59 seconds of TV gold...Dan Rather gets roughed up on the floor of the 1968 Democratic Convention, when all hell broke loose in Chicago, and at one point Cronkite utters one of my favorite quotes of all time - "I think we've got a bunch of thugs here, Dan."

YouTube has disabled embedding, so here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrlYRWD_tnA

RIP, Mr. Cronkite...

Hotcha! Hank

[photo courtesy Life Magazine]

Something 4 The Weekend # 127

The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart: The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart: "Young Adult Friction" [mp3]

In regards to S4TW, I've been trying to balance dinosaurs and the youth of today, babycakes...

I'm trying to stay true to my roots (the classic '70's album Rock, Punk, and New Wave that I cut my teeth on, and still love the most), while sharing some of the great and cool new stuff that the kids of today are twittering and facebooking and whatever...Those Pabst-swilling Williamsburg hipsters you don't see much in the record stores these days...Those bearded stoners of Silverlake who've got cooler things to do than go to clubs to see bands, like getting sucked into a Top Chef marathon on Bravo and forgetting to go to clubs and see bands...

And still a band like The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart can attain a certain level of indie rock fame and widespread critical acclaim without selling very many shiny discs and/or tickets, cuz according to one of my nameless coworkers, these here internet tubes are reality. Not a separate reality, not virtual reality, but reality. He spends 8+ hours a day writing software code at work, and another 4+ hours networking socially on the internet at home. Add eating and shitting and sleeping, and yeah, I guess this is reality, at least for those of us like him...

And that's the way it is...Friday, July 17th, 2009.

Hotcha! Hank

A Word With Moshammer's Ghost

epic

Function: adjective, noun

Etymology: Latin epicus, from Greek epikos, from epos word, speech, poem

Date: 1589, 1706

01: [adj, 1589] of, relating to, or having the characteristics of an epic; "Connie was holding court in the kitchen, talking some nonsense about William Carlos Williams' Paterson being a modern epic poem, and I mistakenly snickered loud enough for her to hear me, so naturally she asked why I was snickering, and all I could think to say was 'Yeah, Paterson might be Williams' epic, but you can't seriously believe it's an actual Epic Poem - it was originally published as five separate books, for chrissakes, and ultimately attempts to make grand statements by focusing on small moments and common people in the city of Paterson, New Jersey, of all places, instead of telling big stories of heroic men spanning decades and sweeping across whole continents," to which she kicked me in the balls and stormed off into the living room, most likely to try hate-fucking Tom The Tool."

02: [adj] extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope; "The girth of his potato finger was truly epic."

03: [noun, 1706] a long narrative poem in elevated style recounting the deeds of a legendary or historical hero; "The way he was talking about his lunch with the CTO, you'd think he was retelling an epic."

04: [noun] a work of art that resembles or suggests an epic; "Now, The Changing Light At Sandover by James Merrill is truly a modern epic poem."

Hotcha! Hank

HOT FIVE: The Kinks

05: The Kinks Kontroversy [1965]

Featuring..."Milk Cow Blues", "Gotta Get That First Plane Home", "Till The End Of The Day", "Where Have All The Good Times Gone?", "Dedicated Follower Of Fashion"

In their early years The Kinks were more of an American Roots Rock and R'n'B-fueled band than the versatile Britpop band into which they would soon evolve, and I felt it was only right to include one of their early albums that reflects this rawer style. In this respect, The Kinks Kontroversy is certainly the strongest longplayer of the kind, with the more primitive songs like "Milk Cow Blues" and "Til The End Of The Day" mixing smoothly with the more sophisticated songcraft that would become Ray Davies trademark on songs like "I'm On An Island" and "Dedicated Follower Of Fashion". In the end however, it's the heavier Rock and Blues stylings that rule this album, a solid and satisfying representation of the classic Kinks sound, before they became absolutely legendary...

04: Something Else By The Kinks [1967]

Featuring..."David Watts", "Death Of A Clown", "Harry Rag", "Love Me Till The Sun Shines", "Waterloo Sunset"

Something Else By The Kinks was the last Kinks album produced by Shel Talmy, which seems like a good enough reason to include it on this list, rather than the equally good album, Face To Face...

The album sits at an pivotal crossroads for the band...They had quit touring, if for no other reason than they had been denied permits to tour America by the American Federation Of Musicians because of constant onstage fighting between band members...Off the road, sitting in England, Ray Davies had begun formulating ideas for the story which would eventually become Village Green...Meanwhile, he got the band in the studio to keep their skills sharp, and give Davies himself a chance to learn some producing and engineering skills from Talmy.

The Kinks had been a pretty prolific singles band, as alot of popular groups were back then in the UK, and Davies had viewed the songs recorded during this period of '66/'67 to be nothing more than singles and B-Sides, but wouldn't you know it, Davies had already been turning his lyrical eye more and more towards English life in all it's various glories and failures, and when some of these songs were collected to form Something Else By The Kinks, dammit if they didn't end up with a loosely conceptual album with a really solid form and personality...

And musically, this was also the period when Davies songwriting skills really started to develop, when his palette really expanded far beyond simple, straight-ahead Rock and R'n'B...

And it all ends, with the lovely and hopeful "Waterloo Sunset", which many Kinks fans, especially among the British, consider Ray Davies single best composition. I'd say "Big Sky" maybe, but no, I won't argue.

03: Arthur (Or The Decline & Fall Of The British Empire) [1969]

Featuring..."Victoria", "Yes Sir, No Sir", "Brainwashed", "Australia", "Shangri-La", "Mr. Churchill Says", "Arthur"

Another reason why The Kinks are perhaps my favorite band is that when they entered their most creative period in the late 1960's, starting with The Village Green Preservation Society, Ray Davies had fully embraced the "concept album", which is a term I kinda hate because I believe any and all albums should have some sort of conceptual threads running through 'em, however subtle they may be...A bunch of songs collected together on a single piece of media just because they were recorded during the same studio sessions is NOT an album in my world...That's artistically lazy.

Arthur (Or The Decline & Fall Of The British Empire) was the second concept album The Kinks delivered, a suite of songs about the life of a poor carpet-layer (Arthur) in post-war England, and the lack of opportunities for the working class...Arthur fondly remembers a brighter England before the wars, and contemplates the promises offered in Australia, where plenty of British people were emigrating after the wars...Once upon a time the sun never set on the British empire, but that simply wasn't true anymore...

Musically, there are some great songs here, including the hard-rocking "Victoria" and "Brainwashed", which hearken back to the band's early years, when they invented Heavy Metal. But mostly the songs are undeniably melodic, stylistically varied, and impeccably performed...Not quite as brilliant as it's predecessor, Village Green, but still an ambitious and incredible album in every sense of those words...

02: Lola Versus Powerman & The Moneygoround, Part One [1970]

Featuring..."Lola", "Top Of The Pops", "This Time Tomorrow", "Rats", "Apeman", "Powerman"

Arthur might very well be a "better" album than this one, Lola Versus Powerman & The Moneygoround, but this one's got "Lola"...

Plus, this might just be the heaviest album in The Kinks' entire catalog..."Rats" and "Powerman" in particular, are live wires, thin and hot and dangerous...

And yes, this is another concept album, this time a poisonous and funny expose of the music industry, wherein Ray Davies leaves no stone unturned, attacking managers, agents, record label accountants, vacuous television and radio personalities, publishing houses, unions unions and more unions, groupies, sycophants, and life on the oftentimes boring road for the fragile egotistical rockstars...Contenders and pretenders...

Great fucking stuff, and another suite of sophisticated rock music...Some of my absolute favorite Kinks tunes are here - the aforementioned "Rats" and "Powerman", plus the sweeping "This Time Tomorrow", the catchy island rhythms and singalong chorus of "Apeman", and the Country Rock closer "Got To Be Free"...The Kinks might have invented Country Rock.

Plus, this one's got "Lola".

01: The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society [1968]

Featuring..."The Village Green Preservation Society", "Do You Remember Walter?", "Picture Book", "Johnny Thunder", "Last Of The Steam-Powered Trains", "Big Sky", "Animal Farm"

One of the five greatest rock albums ever made, wherein Ray Davies invents Britpop over the course of 15 brilliant songs that flow effortlessly from one to the next, slowly painting a vision of an older kind of British life that was being plowed over and under by the kids of that 60's generation, his own generation...A distinct loss of innocence, in the same way Vietnam and the explosion of psychedelics had fundamentally altered the American landscape...

Speaking of America, I always wonder how huge The Kinks might have gotten here in the States if they hadn't been denied those permits during the most artistically fertile 4 years of their career (1966-1970), of which this album is the stunning peak...It was still a pretty big world in 1968, and The Kinks might have been larger than life in the UK, but here they just couldn't find the big time...No stateside touring, no American TV appearances...No chance to show this great big land of ours just how fucking great they had become...It was nearly impossible to stake their claim to the British Invasion throne from the other side of the Atlantic...

But this is about The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society, and what an essential album it is for any respectable record collection, nevermind how damned good it is - how irresistible each and every song is, how rich and colorful Ray Davies' lyrics are, how versatile and tight the band had become in a few short years...This is one of those albums that hooks you upon first listen, and before long, you find yourself humming melodies from this album in the bathroom at work, cuz a song like "Animal Farm" deserves that kind of acoustics...

A MUST!

Hotcha! Hank

Long Ago, Sideways Maneuver Was Clean

If you already knew The Fall covered "Victoria" by The Kinks, you knew this was coming...

Hotcha! Hank

Drink The Long Draught For The Sideways Maneuver

The Fall...Mark E. Smith...

Check the guy's track record...

30 years...27 studio records...29 live records...5 more that are half of each...

Rock records, rockin' rock records...The big priest...

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 14 July 2009

MEAL: 1 Vegetable Spring Roll + 1 small order Chicken Chow Mein = $5.35 + $1.65 tip

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 26

10 Twittering Porntarts

As I slide slowly into middle age, I'm not quite as horny as I used to be, which is probably for the best because dating and sex become just a bit more difficult to maintain/pursue with every passing year. The crux of the biscuit is this - I'm just too tired to hit the bars and clubs and all the other the places one might go to find companionship...It's getting to be too much fucking work...I'd much prefer to hang out at home or at a friends house, doing the kinds of things people do indoors these days - play videogames, watch DVDs, listen to MP3s streaming from a PC and just bullshit about whatever...

In regards to my fading libido, I'm also less inclined to use pornography, and even so, I've always been more of an amateur porn consumer, which is my way of saying I've never really been too familiar with the work of the more famous professional porn starlets. For example, I've never seen even a 10 second sample clip of Jenna Jameson, and I feel like I'm not really missing anything.

Which is my way of saying that of the ten porntarts on this list, I'm only familiar with the work of two - Lexi Belle and Jenna Haze. I've heard of most of the others, but haven't seen them in action.

Which is beside the point of this list, really. I just happen to find the daily minutae of porntarts kinda fascinating. It's obvious that their Twitter profiles are mostly about self-promotion and branding, but some of these porntarts are actually quite interesting.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

10: Lexi Belle: http://twitter.com/OMGitsLexi

09: Roxy DeVille: http://twitter.com/RoxyDeVille

08: Stoya: http://twitter.com/stoya

07: Jenna Haze: http://twitter.com/jenxstudios

06: Taryn Thomas: http://twitter.com/TarynThomas

05: Tori Black: http://twitter.com/misstoriblack

04: Dana Dearmond: http://twitter.com/danadearmond

03: Stevie Hart: http://twitter.com/StevieHart

(BTW - the album in question is Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) by Wu-Tang Clan)

02: Bree Olson: http://twitter.com/BreeOlson9

01: Madison Mitchell: http://twitter.com/MadisonMitchell

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 07 July 2009

MEAL: 1 Roast Pork Egg Roll + 1 order (8) Fried Dumplings = $6.85 + $1.15 tip

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 25

The 4 KISS Solo Albums

04: Paul Stanley

KISS had released three platinum albums in 1977, and the band and their manager, Bill Aucoin, were looking to milk as much cash outta the band as they could, while they could...So 1978 saw the simultaneous release of four solo albums from all four members of the group...As a "solo" album, Paul Stanley's sounds pretty much exactly like a KISS album, minus two Gene Simmons songs and a possible Ace Frehley number, so this one gets no points from me for originality or necessity...Paul's songs here aren't even good KISS songs, most likely because the band had been cranking out as many songs as they could in the process of milking...

03: Gene Simmons

Gene Simmons' "solo" record is absolutely fucking wretched, but at least it sucks in a more interesting way than Paul Stanley's offering, and is even unwittingly hilarious once or twice. His heartfelt rendition of "When You Wish Upon A Star" is an appalling example of retarded song selection and an ignorance of one's own vocal talents. Gene Simmons is a shitty singer even under the best of circumstances ("Do You Love Me?"), but if he believed his version of this Disney classic sung by Jiminy Cricket in Pinnochio, would be anything but an obscenity, then he's a much dumber man than I have imagined...As a whole, the Gene Simmons album is bloated and slow, full of tired riffs and sophomoric lyrics, but that was pretty much to be expected...A little Gene goes a long way, and an 11 song album like this is simply an endurance test...

02: Peter Criss

Let's give the drummer some love here...Peter Criss had arguably the best voice in KISS...To me he sounds a bit like Bob Seger - it's a voice that's a bit rough around the edges, and hearty enough to sing good ol' Rock'n'Roll, and even some R'n'B, which is pretty much what he does on his solo album, which is a collection of songs that plays to those very strengths. Throw in a couple of ballads that might accurately be called "Freak Folk", and a power ballad closer ala "Beth", and it all adds up to a fairly cohesive, if not game-changing, longplayer...Despite having the best voice in KISS, he was relegated to playing simple 4/4 beats, and maybe getting the lead vocal once per record, so actually having the chance to be in the spotlight for an entire album was a big and welcomed deal to me. Of these four "solo" KISS albums, this might not be the best one musically, but it's certainly the most interesting of the four, and the most unique and truly "solo" of the bunch.

01: Ace Frehley

And then there's Ace Frehley...As the lead guitarist, he was certainly the best musician in KISS, but he really never got more than one of his songs on any of their records...Maybe it was his supposed drinking and drugging...Maybe it was because he was never really more than a hired gun in the KISS, Inc. world...This was Gene's and Paul's brainchild, afterall...But the thing is, those lone Ace songs on each KISS record were usually pretty fucking good, and hell, "Shock Me' was the best tune on Love Gun, so here came Ace Frehley's solo record, and it really wasn't a suprise to anyone that it was the best of the four, miles ahead of the other three. In fact, as far as collecting KISS goes, I'd say that after Alive!, I'd pick this album second...It's just a really solid and well-recorded rock album, one that has aged much better than anything else in the band's catalog, and that includes the handclap-heavy disco-rock of "New York Groove"...

Hotcha! Hank

The Sideways Maneuvers Are Back In Town

It's like our own little Thin Lizzy concert up in here...

Hotcha! Hank

100 Artists 100 Albums

We can quibble about what constitutes "Rock'n'Roll" until this post is archived, but my long story made short is that this is a handy alphabetical list of 100 "essential" albums by 100 "essential" artists. Maybe it's a buying guide. Maybe it's Hot Poop Filler™. Either way, it comprises a pretty definitive Rock record collection while still satisfying a few of my own particular favorites like The Vapors, Joe Jackson, and Camper Van Beethoven. Some notable omissions might be Queen, Elton John, and Rush, but not all notable artists are capable of putting together truly great albums...

Anyways, without further ado, another exercise is _________.

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01: AC/DC: Let There Be Rock [1977]
02: Aerosmith: Rocks [1976]
03: The Arcade Fire: Funeral [2005]
04: The Beach Boys: Endless Summer [1974]
05: The Beatles: White Album [1968]
06: Beck: Odelay [1996]
07: Chuck Berry: The Great Twenty-Eight [1982]
08: Black Sabbath: Master Of Reality [1971]
09: Boston: Boston [1976]
10: David Bowie: Hunky Dory [1971]
11: Billy Bragg: Life's A Riot With Spy Vs Spy [1983]
12: Camper Van Beethoven: Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart [1988]
13: Can: Ege Bamyasi [1972]
14: Eric Clapton: 461 Ocean Boulevard [1974]
15: The Clash: London Calling [1979]
16: Elvis Costello & The Attractions: This Years Model [1978]
17: Creedence Clearwater Revival: Green River [1969]
18: Crosby, Stills & Nash: Crosby, Stills & Nash [1969]
19: The Cure: Disintegration [1989]
20: Dead Kennedys: Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables [1980]
21: Devo: Freedom Of Choice [1980]
22: The Doors: The Doors [1967]
23: Bob Dylan: Bringing It All Back Home [1965]
24: The Eagles: Hotel California [1976]
25: The Fall: This Nation's Saving Grace [1985]
26: The Flaming Lips: The Soft Bulletin [1999]
27: Fleetwood Mac: Rumours [1977]
28: Fucked Up: The Chemistry Of Common Life [2008]
29: Fugazi: Repeater [1990]
30: Grateful Dead: American Beauty [1970]
31: Guided By Voices: Bee Thousand [1994]
32: Guns N' Roses: Appetite For Destruction [1987]
33: Jimi Hendrix Experience: Electric Ladyland [1969]
34: Husker Du: Zen Arcade [1984]
35: Iron Maiden: Killers [1981]
36: Joe Jackson: Look Sharp! [1979]
37: The Jam: All Mod Cons [1978]
38: Jane's Addiction: Nothing Shocking [1988]
39: Joy Division: Unknown Pleasures [1979]
40: Judas Priest: Hell Bent For Leather [1979]
41: The Kinks: Are The Village Green Preservation Society [1968]
42: Kraftwerk: Trans-Europe Express [1977]
43: Led Zeppelin: Physical Graffiti [1975]
44: Lynyrd Skynyrd: Second Helping [1974]
45: Meat Puppets: Huevos [1987]
46: Metallica: Ride The Lightning [1984]
47: The Minutemen: Double Nickles On The Dime [1984]
48: Mission Of Burma: Vs [1982]
49: Joni Mitchell: Hejira [1975]
50: Van Morrison: Moondance [1970]
51: My Bloody Valentine: Loveless [1991]
52: Neu!: Neu! [1972]
53: New Order: Power, Corruption & Lies [1983]
54: New York Dolls: New York Dolls [1973]
55: Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral [1994]
56: Nirvana: In Utero [1993]
57: Ted Nugent: Double Live Gonzo! [1978]
58: Pavement: Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain [1994]
59: Pearl Jam: Ten [1991]
60: Pere Ubu: The Modern Dance [1978]
61: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers: Damn The Torpedos [1979]
62: Liz Phair: Exile In Guyville [1993]
63: Pink Floyd: Animals [1977]
64: Pixies: Doolittle [1989]
65: Elvis Presley: 30 #1 Hits [2002]
66: Pretenders: Pretenders [1980]
67: Radiohead: OK Computer [1997]
68: Rage Against The Machine: Rage Against The Machine [1992]
69: R.E.M.: Fables Of The Reconstruction [1985]
70: The Replacements: Tim [1985]
71: The Rolling Stones: Exile On Main St [1972]
72: The Sex Pistols: Never Mind The Bollocks [1977]
73: The Smashing Pumpkins: Siamese Dream [1993]
74: The Smiths: The Queen Is Dead [1986]
75: Sonic Youth: Sister [1987]
76: Spoon: Gimme Fiction [2005]
77: Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band: Born To Run [1975]
78: Steely Dan: Aja [1977]
79: The Stooges: Fun House [1970]
80: The Strokes: Is This It [2001]
81: Supertramp: Crime Of The Century [1974]
82: Talking Heads: The Name Of This Band Is... [1982]
83: Television: Marquee Moon [1977]
84: U2: War [1983]
85: Van Halen: Van Halen I [1977]
86: The Vapors: New Clear Days [1980]
87: Velvet Underground: Loaded [1970]
88: Violent Femmes: Violent Femmes [1983]
89: Tom Waits: Swordfishtrombones [1983]
90: The White Stripes: Elephant [2003]
91: The Who: Who's Next [1971]
92: Wilco: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot [2002]
93: X: Los Angeles [1980]
94: XTC: English Settlement [1982]
95: Yeah Yeah Yeahs: It's Blitz [2009]
96: Yes: The Yes Album [1971]
97: Neil Young: Tonight's The Night [1975]
98: Frank Zappa: Zappa In New York [1976]
99: Warren Zevon: Excitable Boy [1978]
00: ZZ Top: Tres Hombres [1973]

Hotcha! Hank

America! WooHoo!

Happy 4th Of July, one and all! Let's drink!

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 24

My 24 Favorite Live Albums

To be honest, I'm actually not a huge fan of live albums. I find the concept ironic, if I'm using that term correctly. The idea of a recording of a live event seems slightly ridiculous to me. Counter-intuitive. One is meant to be present at a live performance, you know? A recording of that performance can never measure up, for one thing, because the visual element is removed, but also, a recording can never measure up because, again, it's only a facsimile of the actual event...

Having said that, here is a list, without individual explanation, of the 24 live albums that have meant the most to me in my fanboy life (half of these are from the late 1970's, my formative record collecting years), or are important documents of particular performances, or are simply kick ass shows...If yr gonna add any live recordings to yr own record collection (sorry, MP3 folder), you probably couldn't do any better than these two dozen...

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24: The Grateful Dead: Europe '72 [1972]


23: The Hold Steady: A Positive Rage [2009]



22: Motorhead: No Sleep Til Hammersmith [1981]

21: Little Feat: Waiting For Columbus [1978]

20: Led Zeppelin: How The West Was Won [1972/2003]

19: The Who: Live At Leeds [1970]

18: AC/DC: If You Want Blood, You've Got It [1978]

17: U2: Under A Blood Red Sky [1983]

16: Nirvana: Unplugged In New York [1994]

15: Jimi Hendrix: Band Of Gypsys [1970]

14: Cheap Trick: At Budokan [1978]

13: Judas Priest: Unleashed In The East [1979]

12: Blue Oyster Cult: Some Enchanted Evening [1978]

11: Frank Zappa: Zappa In New York [1976]

10: The Kinks: One For The Road [1980]

09: Lynyrd Skynyrd: One More From The Road [1976]

08: Neil Young & Crazy Horse: Live Rust [1979]

07: Foghat: Foghat Live [1977]

06: Johnny Cash: At Folsom Prison [1968]

05: Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band: Live Bullet [1976]

04: KISS: ALIVE! [1975]

03: Peter Frampton: Frampton Comes Alive! [1976]

02: Ted Nugent: Double Live Gonzo! [1978]

01: Talking Heads: The Name Of This Band Is Talking Heads [1982]

Hotcha! Hank