ROUGH RYDERS 2008: Week Twelve

If I'm not mistaken, this is the first time our beloved WINONA ROUGH RYDERS have lost two games in a row since 2005, and while last week's loss to NESTOFDEATH was fine with me, this week's loss to APPLESAUCE sickens me...

It's sickens me because two of his players didn't play, and he should have known they weren't playing, and even though they didn't score any points, his team still beat projections by 40 points, while our beloved ROUGH RYDERS fell 16 points short of projections, and thus, in the end, we lost by .93 fantasy points!

.93! Less than one point in a very high-scoring league...It's sickening, and would be heartbreaking if our beloved ROUGH RYDERS hadn't already secured a play-off spot...

One point was all I needed to win this week. That's one more rushing attempt by Frank Gore...He wouldn't even need to gain any yardage on the play, which he probably wouldn't have, considering how the Cowboy's defense shut him down all afternoon...But I'm not gonna bitch about Frank Gore...He's been reliable and consistently high-scoring all season, so he's allowed one bad game...I just want to point out exactly how close this loss truly is, and therefore how sickening it is...One more tackle by any of my defensive players, and I win...One more catch by Marques Colston, and I win...One more completed pass by Jay Cutler, and I win...

FUCK!

Speaking of Marques Colston - fuck you, Drew Brees...I mean, I appreciate the 70 yard TD bomb you guys connected on, but c'mon, you completed 20 passes in that blowout over the Green Bay Packers, but that 70-yarder was the only completion Colston had the entire game...Naw, fuck you, man, that's just not right...And double fuck-you for blowing out my beloved Pack...

Anyways, onward to Week Thirteen, the last week of the FICL regular season, wherein our beloved WINONA ROUGH RYDERS take on BLACKANDBLUE, who are currently in first place with a record of 10-2. One of those losses was to us back in week four, so we'll see what happens this week. If we lose for the third straight week this weekend, we're still in 4th, and will have to go through BLACKANDBLUE to the championship...If we win, well, who fucking knows...

Hotcha! Hank

Slightly-Less-Black Saturday!

Yesterday was "Black Friday", the day after Thanksgiving that is traditionally the busiest retail shopping day of the year...The day when we waddle around the malls and parking lots of America, working off some of that cornbread stuffing and sweet potato pie while we add a few hundred, or thousand, more dollars to our credit card balances...

I stayed home and worked on next month's EVERYTHINGATHON! , although I did go to the grocery store for coffee and catfood in the evening...It was about 7pm, and there were more employees standing around than actual customers, and COPP'S is a huge grocery store...I checked myself out...The four employees standing around bullshitting at the checkout seemed like they were having a good time, and who am I to mess with that...

Anyways, the holiday season is now officially upon us, nevermind that Madison's oldie's station WOLX, has been playing Christmas music since Halloween.

As I've no doubt written here before, I don't particularly enjoy this time of year, simply because my mom died on Christmas Eve 1987. Now, 21 years have passed, and I've certainly made my peace with her passing, but that does not mean I take any great joy in this season.

Well, that's not exactly true.

I do enjoy those pictures of children screaming and crying on Santa's lap...And I think pictures of naked Santa are funny...Likewise, pictures of Santa in sexually compromising positions are awfully titillating to me...So are pictures of large groups of Santas doing un-Santa-like activities, like downhill skiing or dancing the Frug...I like the Toys For Tots campaign, and always stick a couple of things into the box at work every year...I look forward to rewatching SCTV's various Christmas specials every December...I like year-end best-of lists...I like baked ham...I like giving and the idea of giving...And while I no longer consider myself a Christian, I do believe the historical Jesus Christ was probably a pretty cool dude, or at the very least a damn fine showman...Either way, a celebration of his birth is alright with me...I just wish it didn't have to last 1-2 months of the year...

Hotcha! Hank

A Word With Moshammer's Ghost

splooge

Function: noun, verb

Etymology: American, possibly a derivative of splotch, loogie, spunk, splat

Date: 1990-1995

1: male ejaculate; There was splooge everywhere!

2: the act of ejaculating; He splooged all over her coffee-maker.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 95

Beck: Tropicalia EP: "Tropicalia" [mp3]

I think we take Beck for granted...

I mean, he never really goes away, so maybe we never get the chance to miss him, but I still think we kinda take him for granted...

Or maybe it's just me...I mean, I didn't really choose a Beck song for this week's S4TW. No, I couldn't decide, so I simply opened a random folder full of MP3s on my PC monitor, closed my eyes and clicked my mouse...This was the song I hit...

Beck hadn't even been on my mind this week, or in any recent weeks...That's all well and good, but I still think we take him for granted...

He's released 10 albums in 14 years, if I've done my math right, and in this day and age of artists working slow and milking their meager offerings, that's pretty impressive...Add in all the EPs and remix projects, and well, I've got 20 of 'em on my harddrive myself, and I know I'm far from complete...

In this regard, Beck reminds me of Elvis Costello and Bob Dylan, but for the sake of this post, let's stick with Dylan...

Critics and therefore fans have been waiting and looking for "the next Dylan" ever since Dylan was still in his fucking prime, but I've decided that Beck is the next Dylan.

Or maybe Elvis Costello was the next Dylan, and Beck is the next Elvis Costello...

Hmmm...

Here's what I'm thinking - all three are original voices half-rooted in tradition...Hard-working...Prolific recordings...Consistent while constantly evolving and exploring new styles and sounds...Work well with others...Dylan's and Beck's lyrics are often poetic and enigmatic, while Costello is nothing less than a masterful storyteller...And yes, to a certain extent, we take all three of 'em for granted...

Dylan and Costello are already living legends, but right here and now I'm gonna add Beck to that list...Barring a catostrophic motorcycle accident or whatnot, I believe that 20 years from now we're going to look back at a 35 year career of heavy touring, videowork and whatnot, and a catalog 40 albums thick...And most of it is gonna be good to excellent, none of it is gonna be half-assed and boring, and it's all gonna add up to an undeniably legendary career...

In the meantime, he'll just kinda float along our periphery, I suppose, just doing his thing...

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 Thanksgiving

William S Burroughs: Dead City Radio: "A Thanksgiving Prayer" [mp3]

Well, this is about the most cliched track I could post on Thanksgiving day, isn't it?

But you know what? I listen to this recitation by WSB every Thanksgiving, to remind myself that we founded this country through genocide, and we built this country through slavery, and that those with money and power always have and always will fuck over those without.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 25 November 2008

MEAL: 1 order (8) Crab Rangoon + 1 small order Sweet & Sour Chicken = $7.90 + $1.10 tip

Hotcha! Hank

Monday Filler

Yes, I realize there's nothing funny about domestic abuse, but we must remember the old formula:

Tragedy + Time = Comedy

In this case, Ike Turner is dead, and Tina had her revenge by living much better than he ever did...

Hotcha! Hank

He Was The Indian Of The Group

Frank Zappa & The Mothers Of Invention: We're Only In It For The Money: "Who Needs The Peace Corp? - Concentration Moon" [mp3]

In yesterday's post, I admitted some guilt for not posting about Mitch Mitchell's passing in a more timely manner, and here I am today, first learning of Jimmy Carl Black's passing on November 1st. Should I feel guilty about lacking this information for three weeks? Am I not paying close enough attention at the news sites I visit, or maybe they're the ones who missed it? I'd hate to think that Jimmy Carl Black didn't deserve at least a short paragraph or two from the AP or Reuters...Better that I be the ignorant one, than this man's passing going completely unnoticed or ignored by everyone else.

Jimmy Carl Black was the original drummer for The Mothers Of Invention. In fact, back in 1963/1964, they were called The Soul Giants and Frank Zappa wasn't even in the group yet! When The Soul Giants' guitarist quit, Zappa joined, immediately took control of the group and changed their name to The Mothers...The rest is history, if you happen to care about any of this...

Jimmy Carl Black was a Cheyenne-American from El Paso, TX, and aside from being the drummer for The Mothers, was best known for always introducing himself by saying "Hi, I'm Jimmy Carl Black, and I'm the Indian of the group." which you can hear in the clip above...

[Hot Poop Fun Fact: My sign-off "Hotcha!" is uttered by Frank in "Who Needs The Peace Corp?", although I took the word from Jimmy Durante]

In the clip below, you will hear Jimmy Carl Black singing "Lonesome Cowboy Burt" from 200 Motels...

Frank Zappa: 200 Motels: "Lonesome Cowboy Burt" [mp3]

In the years after he played with Zappa, Jimmy Carl Black also played with Captain Beefheart, Eugene Chadbourne, Arthur Brown, and a variety of different bands featuring other former members of Zappa groups. Some of them were Zappa tribute bands, like The Grandmothers, but most were original R&B-influenced rock bands, because in the end, R&B was Jimmy Carl's thing...

While Frank Zappa himself is inducted into the Rock'n'Roll Hall Of Fame (once again, I leave it to you to decide how important the RNRHOF is), The Mothers Of Invention as a group, have not been inducted, and there's been a fairly strong and vocal contingent within the music industry who have been lobbying to correct this...

Which seems fair enough to me. As I mentioned yesterday, Jimi Hendrix was only able to reach is own potential and realize his own vision by surrounding himself with other players capable of "keeping up" and actually contributing their own formidable skills, and that is true of any notable musician, including Frank Zappa. Frank needed great players and colorful performers to achieve his vision, and The Mothers of Invention were that great and colorful band that Frank led through the early, formative years of his professional career, providing the R'n'B, roots Rock, and Doo Wop that would remain the foundation of Zappa's music to the end, no matter how sophisticated it could get...

Rest In Peace, Jimmy Carl Black. I'm sorry this took so long.

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 94

The Jimi Hendrix Experience: Are You Experienced?: "I Don't Live Today" [mp3]

As I'm sure you're aware, Mitch Mitchell, drummer in The Jimi Hendrix Experience, died in his sleep of natural causes last Wednesday, and I feel a bit guilty for taking more than a week to post anything about it...

And perhaps you think the song selection for this week's S4TW is crass and dishonorable, or a lame attempt at irony and possible cleverness, but rest assured, it's one of the better showcases for Mitch Mitchell's stellar skills, and just how important he was to Jimi Hendrix...

Hendrix was an extraordinary talent, but if he was truly going to soar, to reach his own artistic potential as a musician, he needed to play with others who were not only capable of "keeping up", but who could actually complement, enhance, and even improve what Hendrix was trying to do...And he had that in bassist Noel Redding and drummer Mitch Mitchell...

But especially Mitchell...He blurred the line between rhythm and melody, the interplay of his snare and tom almost like a speaking voice, echoing Hendrix own vocals at times, other times skittering around the edges of the songs, filling in spaces with his own vibrant ideas and skills, bursting through the long strings of feedback with a rolling thunder of his own...Mitchell was a Jazz drummer in a Rock band, but somehow, The Jimi Hendrix Experience were neither Jazz nor Rock...There was Funk and R&B mixed in there, and Avant Garde tape manipulation and general studio trickery, all that feedback and noise exploration, and nobody else in the Pop/Rock world of 1967 were even close to doing stuff this singular...

Except for Zappa, I suppose, but this isn't about Frank...

This is about the first truly brilliant, legendary drummer in Rock history, Mitch Mitchell...May he rest in peace...

Hotcha! Hank

Huddled In Storms

So...Winona Ryder is flying from LA to London (which these internet tubes told me is an 11 hour flight) when she had some sort of medical emergency that the British tabloids are reporting was an overdose of Xanax.

Since Ms. Ryder has been #1 on my Laminated List for about 15 years now, I feel it is my duty to blindly defend her honor, because anyone who gets on an 11 hour flight unmedicated is a fool. Winona is no fool, she just needs to get a grip on her dosages, and always factor in those tiny bottles of in-flight vodka...They add up fast and pack a wallop at 40,000 feet...

Hotcha! Hank

Casserole Is Friendship, But Soup Is Cheap Eating

Stephen Colbert is right, as he usually is - the "soup wars" are indeed heating up. With the economy currently collapsing, and the coming winter here in the midwest, there are soup commercials at every break on television, sometimes more than one per break, and yes, that commercial Colbert plays in the clip above is the most prolific, second only to that "Saved By Zero" Toyota commercial overall...And I'll tell you what, the very first time I saw that commercial, and heard that blindfolded woman say "the Petersons-Jacobs farm, I believe", I vowed to myself that I would never eat Campbell's Select Harvest brand soup, which is an easy vow because I never eat soup from a can. That's what a crockpot is for...

Hotcha! Hank

ROUGH RYDERS 2008: Week Eleven

Listen, I don't mind losing to NESTOFDEATH...Kae is a good FF manager, who's involved every day of the season, and trying to improve his team until the end, and I definitely respect him for that...I'd much rather lose to somebody like him than to somebody who gives up on his team after a couple weeks, doesn't make any personnel moves, and still manages to pull a couple of ill-timed victories outta his ass...

It's the WAY I lost this week that's so fucking bitter...Two referee calls directly impacted my team's score, taking 16 FP away from our beloved WINONA ROUGH RYDERS, which would have been enough for a victory this week, rather than this defeat...

First, one of my DB's, Nick Collins, intercepted a pass and ran it back for a touchdown, which would have netted me 8 FP...Instead, the play was nullified by an illegal blocking penalty that not even Joe Buck and Troy Aikman could find after several replays, and which I couldn't see either...Coach McCarthy didn't throw his red flag for a review of the play (the Packers were already crushing the Bears at this late stage of the game), and in the end, no interception, no touchdown, no 8 FP for me...

Then there was the final play of the Chargers-Steelers game...I've got Pittsburgh's team defense, and after Charger's QB Philip Rivers dumped a short pass to LaDainian Tomlinson, the RB lateraled to a teammate, who tried lateraling again, only to have the ball batted away and scooped up by Steeler's safety Troy Polamalu, who ran the ball in for a touchdown as time expired...Again, this single play would have netted me another 8 FP, except that the referees flagged one of the Chargers (I'm still not sure which one) for an illegal forward pass, negating the turnover and the touchdown, and taking those sweet 8 FP off my board...Again, this was the absolute wrong call, and yesterday the NFL even issued a statement admitting that the call was wrong, and were reviewing measures to keep the mistake from happening again...Bottom line, I lost 8 invaluable FPs, which added to the other 8 FP denied me by the referees in Green Bay, makes for a convincing case that I was robbed of this monumental FICL victory by forces beyond my control - the referees of the NFL...

So yeah, I'm bitter about this week's loss, but at least I lost to a good team, a team I very well might face again in the upcoming playoffs...And that's about all I want to say about Week Eleven...

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 18 November 2008

Meal: 2 Vegetable Spring Rolls + 1 small order of Curried Pork = $4.75 + $1.25 tip

Hotcha! Hank

A Second Word With Moshammer's Ghost

viscous

Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English viscouse, from Anglo-French viscos, from Late Latin viscosus full of birdlime, viscous, from Latin viscum mistletoe, birdlime; akin to Old High German wīhsila cherry, Greek ixos mistletoe

Date: 14th century

1: having a glutinous consistency

2: having or characterized by viscosity: "Boy, that's some hot, viscous poop."

Hotcha! Hank

A Word With Moshammer's Ghost

Snickerdoodle

Function: proper noun

Etymology: German Schnecken snail, nudeln dumpling

Date: 19th century

1: A sugar cookie made with cream of tartar and rolled in cinnamon and sugar

Hotcha! Hank

And Now For Something Completely Sideways

What I love about YouTube, and the internet in general, is that stuff like this finds me, I don't have to go looking for it...I mean, I don't have a tickling fetish, although I do admit that this is an exciting and entertaining 83 seconds that I'm glad I spent...

No, it just so happened that the #6 RISING VIDEO in the FILM-ANIMATION Channel is a different, longer Tickle video than this one, and when I saw it there, standing out on the page, I just couldn't resist...A quick tickle video can hit the spot from time to time...

Anyways, thanks to the lone, sublime tickle tag, that video led me to this particular video, which has been viewed 17,000 times since it was uploaded 13 days ago. Now, tickling may not necessarily be my thing, but it makes me glad to know that there are that many people out there who do make it their thing, frequently, and with great vigor.

Hotcha! Hank

What's Up, Sideways Maneuver?

This is Fatlip from The Pharcyde, starring in one of my favorite videos of all time, cuz sometimes in life yr nothing more than a clown taking a kick to the nuts for entertainment purposes.

But the song itself is sadder than that. In fact, it's one of the saddest songs in Hip Hop...

Hotcha! Hank

How To Play Third Base

Hotcha! Hank

ALL CAPS SIDEWAYS VILLAINY

MF DOOM + MADLIB = MADVILLAIN

HOTCHA! HANK

Something 4 The Weekend # 93

3rd Bass: The Cactus Album: "Sons Of 3rd Bass" [mp3]

This album hit the shelves in late 1989, in the wake of The Beastie Boys' Paul's Boutique, which is a shame, because 3rd Bass were an entertaining and intelligent alternative to the "ludicrous whining" of those three Beasties...

I've voiced my disdain for The Beastie Boys numerous times in the past, but I must admit that Paul's Boutique is a dynamite album, and rightfully a classic album (most credit to The Dust Brothers, perhaps) and 3rd Bass only managed two solid-but-not-classic full-length LPs before splitting for even more marginal solo success and forays into acting...Meanwhile, Mike D, MCA, and Ad-Rock seemed destined for the Rock'n'Roll Hall Of Fame, for whatever that's worth...

But 3rd Bass deserves to be heard, and this album is not only loaded with the tight rhymes and agile rhyming of MC Serch and Prime Minister Pete Nice, but the duo worked with a ton of extremely talented people on this record...Prince Paul, Sam Sever, the Shocklees, Eric "Vietnam" Sadler, MF Doom, and DJ Daddy Rich on the turntables...

And while "the beast" has become semi-immortal (so far), at least with this particular song, "Sons Of 3rd Bass", 3rd Bass unleashed what I believe is one of the great and memorable "dis songs" in the history of Hip Hop...

Ah yes - two white guys from NYC taking aim at three other white guys from NYC...The battle for most legit white rappers in New York! LOL!

"Here's my advice to all amateurs plannnnnnnning to give a performace: speak up, and keep the act moving."

[MC Serch]

Servin the role, a sole step-child

Talk of C.C. or keep sleepin

While wakin up to noise of 3rd B-A-S-S,

BassSuccess is butter for Serch's space

Spoken slang gets played like the lottery

Your lyrics are incorrect, so you step to me

lookin for the key to release that first piece

Three times two is six, Pete is one-three

I'm the other half, known as the other trey

Tourin to wild screams, the Third Son's born

Swarm to the lyrics cause Serch is your father

Screaming "Hey Ladies," why bother?

[Pete Nice]

Sons, slim ones flee from the 3rd

Words, spoken, a silver spoon stuck in the throat

Young useless, lyrically careless

Rhyme revolves around modes of mindless

If everyone spoke of stick-up, it's pick of a Beast'

prone to a lick of a waste

Taste the flav' of the original

Orphaned trio, abandoned by lyrical

Through us, the echelon exposed with the roll with no soul

Counterfeit style, born sworn and soldout with high voice distorted

If a Beast' to wish play fetus, I'd have him ABORTED

[MC Serch]

Put to bed, three kids to a third track

Cap the front and grip, when they heard that

the crew from the L.Q. stepped to the Club Mars

Shook the Beast' and soon to be dubbed stars

Starring roles stone-faced from the brothers

Ludicrous whining, meaning when the others

stand by em, while they take the fall

The Beast' now lives in the Capitol

Record wrecks sets, Def Jam a true wrecker

The label is nothing but MC Black'n'Decker

Three boys buggin to the A.M.

You step to the Serch and I slam!

[Pete Nice]

Negative mind, paid as snakes who can't rhyme

Play the dude? It's sucker time

I stand I take a bust in my nut

and gave birth to three bastard sons

A record label, a King to 4th letter

Passin phases, non-legitimate trendsetters

Pop figures, who figured they'd get paid

Exploitin art the black man made

Played out hardcore flaws, step to stage

Your biggest fan, nine years of age

Broke out cause the swindler took your ducat

No talent on the tune, you might as well SUCK IT

[Nice]

Yo Serch, you know about that slum I'm speakin on?

[Serch]

Word is bond Pete, school em!

[Nice]

You know about that silver spoon havin

buckshot acne showin,

L.A. weak-ass sellout

Non-legitimate, tip-doggin, Jethro pseudo intellectual

Dust-smokin, pretty boy playwrite posin

Folks wiggin, whinin annoyin Def Jam reject devil

White bread no money havin slum village people clonin

step children!

[Serch]

Sam Sever, serve the rest

Yo Sam, sc-hool em!

"He is stupid, but he knows that he is stupid and that, almost makes him smart.. let's listen"

Hotcha! Hank

HANK RANKS No. 19

My 19 Dream Dinner Parties

You know the scenario - If you could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, who would you choose?

This has long been one of my favorite little daydreaming activities, just sitting around with soft music in the background, thinking about interesting combinations of personalities and the kinds of conversations that might arise...And also being able to ask questions of historical figures, to sift the myth from fact...For this reason, alot of my favorite combinations are dead people, but I sometimes wonder if Beethoven would be any more enlightening or fun than Philip Glass.

So, anyways, I've written down dozens of these combinations of Dream Dinner Guests over the years, littering the margins and open spaces of countless notebooks and index cards...Here are my favorite nineteen cuz I'm self-indulgent like that...Here comes some blather on a lazy afternoon...Just remember, as always, this information is not knowledge...

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

19: John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby...Uncomfortable! For the meal, I'd serve a variety of "Five Dollar Footlongs" from Subway, assorted bags of Frito-Lay chips, and whatever Coca-Cola brand soft drink flavors they've got on the self-serve machine...

18: Lewis Carroll, Theodor Seuss Geisel, Fred Rogers...This dream dinner best represents my childhood, I suppose...Now, if I could have a dream dinner with fictional characters from my childhood, I'd probably choose Grover from Sesame Street, Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown (or maybe even Sherlock Holmes), and Paul Bunyan (or maybe Bigfoot)...Anyways, for the meal, I'd serve grilled cheese sandwiches, tater-tots with tartar sauce for dipping, cottage cheese, celery with peanut butter, and ice cold 2% milk...For dessert, warm oatmeal raisin cookies and more milk...Marjory The Trash Heap???

17: King George III, Marie Antoinette, Thomas Jefferson...Three prominent figures from the late 1700's, and the revolutions in America and France...For the meal, Chinese take-out from China Wok, where I get those messed-up fortunes every Tuesday at lunch...

16: Abraham Lincoln, Audrey Hepburn, Richard Pryor...I think this dream dinner is pretty self-explanatory...LOL...For the meal, I'd serve soft-shell steak tacos, heavy on the guacamole and onions...Pitchers of Horchata, and soft snickerdoodles for dessert...

15: Meg White, Rosario Dawson, Monica Bellucci...What can I say? This dinner party is all about the company of three luxurious, voluptuous ladies...For the meal, Oysters Rockefeller, caviar, steamed artichoke hearts, Pernod, Absinthe and Champagne, strawberries and chocolate sauce, butterscotch pudding...

14: "The Leatherman", Tom Waits, "Johnny Appleseed" Chapman...The Leatherman was a famous vagabond who travelled western Connecticut and the length of the Hudson River in New York in the latter half of the 19th century...He was that rare famous hobo, famous because he wore nothing but handmade leather garments from head-to-toe = shoes, pants, shirt, suit coat, top hat...All dirty, stinky leather...Rather than re-tell his fascinating story here, I'll direct you towards a handy Wiki link...Johnny Appleseed was another traveller, though he had a more defined purpose for wandering around...Tom Waits is simply cool, and he gets around, you know? For the meal I'd serve tins of sardines, fancy crackers, loaves of thick-sliced bread to sop up the sardine oil, a five pound block of cheese, a large quantity of hot apple pies, Thermoses™ of hot, black coffee, flasks of Korbel brandy, and one pint of beer for each of us. For dessert, more hot apple pie, a la mode...And a bushel of apples for each of us to take with us afterwards...

13: E.E. Cummings, William Carlos Williams, Frank O'Hara...I've got 11,640 pages of half-baked metaphors and dull images from my 20's sitting in boxes in my closet that my two cats take turns protecting...At 32 I burned myself out on a few meager accolades and 12 credits of Poetry labs on my transcript ...Nowadays I contemplate burning some of those volumes while I try to figure out how to hot poop...These are my three favorite American poets of the 20th century, tokens of the years before my own millenial crash...For the meal I'd serve all-beef hot dogs with ketchup, Peppadew mustard and diced onions, a huge pot of baked beans, salt & vinegar potato chips, and 4 gallons of creamy root beer...For dessert, Bananas Foster...

12: Piet Mondrian...Max Ernst...Bill Griffith...This dinner party would satisfy the comic-stripping, MUCKO-ing artsy-farter in me...Mondrian was part of the De Stijl movement in the first half of the 20th century, and his colorful geometric paintings wholly satisfy my right-brained tendencies...Ernst was a German Dada/Surrealism artist in many different mediums...Griffith is the creator of the Zippy The Pinhead comic strip, my favorite strip of all-time, and loaded with tons of absurdity (and stellar art)...For the meal, I'd serve porcupine meatballs, mashed potatoes and sweet peas, ice cold milk, and for dessert, hot apple pie leftover from a previous dream dinner...

11: Woody Allen...Terry Gilliam...Joel & Ethan Coen...After music, movies are the biggest passion in my life. I watch tons of films, and I take alot of notes cuz I've got Final Draft on my computer and farfetched dreams of screenplay glory in my head. If I had to choose my three favorite filmmakers, it would have to be these four because the Coens come as a pair, natch...What I like best about all of these guys is that they write most of their own scripts, which is what kept Scorsese from making this table...For the meal, I'd put a pitcher of ice water and an enormous bowl of Cobb Salad in the middle of the table and just let everybody have at it...

10: Amelia Earhart, Joni Mitchell, Emily Dickinson...This is a strange one...A WTF? kinda dinner party....But I'd really like to find out what happened to Ms. Earhart...And Joni Mitchell because she wrote a beautiful song called "Amelia" , and simpy because she's Joni, you know?...I am fairly ambivalent about Emily Dickinson's poetry, but I always understood the reclusive life she led...For the meal I'd serve ham & cheese omelets and potato pancakes, warm buttermilk...For dessert, coffee and cigarettes.

09: Hunter S Thompson, William S Burroughs, Ulysses S Grant...My best guess is that we'd talk about guns, and probably shoot off a few rounds...Maybe go hunting for our meal before actually sitting down to eat...Grilled rabbit, squirrel, pheasant, wild turkey...Maybe some venison...Mashed potatoes and sweet corn...Heavy mugs of dark lagers, possibly some port wine...Scotch and cigars and LSD for dessert...

08: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill...The Yalta Conference revisited, around my kitchen table...Nuff said...For the meal, I'd serve cheeseburgers, onion rings and milkshakes of many flavors...For dessert, a very large platter of assorted Hostess products = Twinkies, Ding Dongs, HoHo's, Snowballs, Chocodiles, Suzy Q's, Pudding Pies...

07: d. Boon, Jimi Hendrix, Sonny Sharrock...My three favorite dead guitar players...Kurt Cobain was a close fourth, and then there's Eddie Van Halen and Jeff Beck still among the living...I figured this dinner party would be a good chance to get some guitar lessons...For the meal, fucking corndogs on sticks (Minutemen fans will get the reference) and a vat of ketchup to dip 'em in, plenty of tater-tots, and a fridge full of bottled pure-cane sugar Coca-Cola that you can only get at the Mexican grocery store and/or during Passover...

06: Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, John Dos Passos...Paris after the the first World War...The feast moves to my dining room, if only for a night...Racks of roasted lamb with carmelized shallot and thyme crust, a sizzling casserole dish of Gruyere Potato Gratin, a big bowl of steamed cauliflower, and bottles of fresh Beaujolais Nouveau...Crème brûlée and dark roast coffee for dessert...

05: Jesus Christ, Siddhartha Gautama, Lao Tse...I was raised and confirmed Catholic, before lapsing into Buddhism for awhile and finally falling into Taoism...For the meal I'd serve a good old-fashioned Wisconsin Friday night, all-you-can-eat fish fry = An endless serving of delicate pieces of deep-fried perch filets and piles of golden french fries...Tubs of creamy coleslaw and bowls of tartar sauce, tall stacks of buttered rye bread, and a never-empty pitcher of Spotted Cow Farmhouse Ale...

04: William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, King Henry VIII...The "Bard Of Avon" and two of his most famous and interesting subjects...A chance compare stories, so to speak...For this dream dinner I always imagine a spacious hall of feast befitting kings...Perhaps a small troupe of actors would perform the two relevant plays for us...Perhaps the four of us would simply do a table read...For the meal, a fat pig, roasted on a slowly-turning spit, roasted turkey, duck, and chicken, racks of lamb, grilled venison tenderloin, baked potatoes, carrots and turnips and onions...Mead and milk and heavy lagers...For dessert, prostitutes...

03: Philip K Dick, Brian Eno, Winona Ryder...PKD is perhaps my favorite writer, if I had to choose one...Eno is one of my favorite producers and the name of one of my cats, and I believe he would have some interesting things to discuss with PKD, able to bridge that gap into the esoteric and metaphysical sci-fi...And Ms. Ryder? I think we all ought to be surprised she isn't on the #1 guest list...For the meal, I'd set about 50 kinds of cereal on the counter in my kitchen, and gallons of ice cold whole milk on the table...

02: Frank Zappa, Groucho Marx, Salvadore Dali...Three smart and funny men in the vanguard of their respective fields, all sporting distinctive facial hair configurations...Strange, dry, trim and sarcastic...For the meal, I'd serve fried leftover spaghetti, baked garlic bread soaked in butter, bottle after bottle of robust red wine, and amaretto cheesecake and espresso for dessert...

01: Ben Franklin, Mark Twain, Bob Dylan...What can I say, when I think of America, I think of these three men probably more than any others...Ben Franklin, the witty and ribald statesman, inventor and storyteller of the 18th century, Mark Twain the wittier and more sardonic storyteller and world traveller of the 19th century, and Bob Dylan, folk poet and singer of American myths in the 20th century...Man, I gotta believe this dinner would be wild and drunk and loud...And between Twain and Franklin and me, I bet we could get Dylan to smoke a pipe...For the meal, I'd serve roasted Cornish game hens with wild rice stuffing, steamed asparagus, sweet iced tea, and bread pudding for dessert...

Hotcha! Hank

RE: C-C-C-C-C-Cocaine!

I don't wanna dwell on this whole "Cocaine Miley" thing, but I think these pupils can be accurately described as "dilated", made even more suspicious considering the bright lights

shining in her Hollywood eyes in this photo...

This will be my final speculation on the subject, deciding that I have no clue as to the recreational activities of Hannah Montana. This will probably not be my last post about her, however, because that whole peace sign thing really does piss me off...

And as I've said before, maybe the Miley Cyrus tag will drive some traffic towards HOT POOP...

Hotcha! Hank

ROUGH RYDERS 2008: Week Ten

Well, well, well...It was a HUGE week for our beloved WINONA ROUGH RYDERS, who put up their highest team score of the season this past weekend on the way to a comfortable victory over SCARECROWS, who happened to beat us way back in Week One. I'd like to think that this is a sign that my team is starting to gel at just the right time, with the FICL playoffs within sight. With this victory, our beloved ROUGH RYDERS are currently in 1st place in the FICL, but next week we take on NEST OF DEATH, who have the highest average team score in the league. We beat them way back in Week Two, but things obviously change, and next week's matchup figures to be a barnburner from start to finish...Anything can happen, and usually does...But what about this past week?

It all started early, on Thursday night, with Jay "Fucking Cuts" Cutler lighting it up in Cleveland for about 450 passing yards and 3 touchdowns, good for a whopping 67.78 FP, which was only his second highest FP score of the year...Since Denver has lost about 3 dozen RB to injury so far this year, I'm counting on the Broncos offense to be 98% passing plays the rest of the season, which is nothing but golden for our beloved ROUGH RYDERS....Woot!

Meanwhile, all three of my running backs had great games, especially Thomas "Green Moses" Jones, who rushed for about 150 yards and 3 touchdowns. Finally, Mangini is using Green Moses the way Green Moses oughta be used.

Green Moses!

Frank Gore was slightly off his game, but still managed to rush for 100 yards, though he didn't find paydirt. Thankfully, I didn't need any TDs from him this week.

And my most recent free agency pickup, Kevin Smith, is looking like a GENIUS move, as the powers that be in Detroit have finally figured out that Rudi Johnson is old and in the way. Sorry Rudi, but yr time has come and gone...

And Saints WR Marques Colston finally had a big game this weekend, after suffering a broken thumb through most of the season. If I can get my other two WRs on track, I feel confident in saying that our beloved ROUGH RYDERS are gonna be tough to beat, and have a solid chance of winning the FICL championship...

Speaking of the Saints, I picked up Jeremy Shockey to play for my usual starter, Chris Cooley, who had a BYE this week. Shockey caught two passes for a total of 16 yards, which means he was a total bust. I didn't see the Saints game, but supposedly Shockey was his usual dickish self, screaming at his QB, Drew Brees both on the field and sidelines during the game. I never liked Shockey, but thought in the Saints powerful offense, he'd have a solid game. I was wrong. The dude half-asses everything. No hustle, shitty hands, and a piss-poor attitude...What was I thinking? Again, I'm very glad I didn't need better numbers from him to win this week...Anyways, I'm very glad to have Cooley back in the lineup next week. Adios, douchebag Shockey!

Finally, my defensive unit continues to play well. Of note, beloved Green Bay Packer Nick Collins intercepted a ball which he ran back for a TD...Great stuff, even though the Packers eventually lost to the hated Minnesota Vikings...Man, that sucked. The Vikings are not a very good football team, and yet they sit atop the NFC Central right now. That's fucked up.

Anyways, our beloved WINONA ROUGH RYDERS are now 8-2, and sitting precariously in first place in the FICL...Onward to Week Eleven, and the always dangerous NEST OF DEATH...This one should be a barnburning nail-biter...Stay tuned!

Hotcha! Hank

C-C-C-C-C-Cocaine!

I'm totally bored at work today, which is a rare thing actually, because I'm usually rather busy. I'm pretty sure I'm not busy today because I kicked so much ass yesterday, and not only got everything done that I needed to do, but actually got some tasks done in advance, so who knows, I may be totally bored at work for the rest of the week. I should probably take a vacation day or two, especially since I've got 200 hours of vacation time accumulated at the moment.

So, being as fucking bored as I am this afternoon, I found myself trolling some celebrity blogs, where I ran across yet another picture of Miley Cyrus flashing the paps her trademark peace sign, which really annoys the fucking hell outta me for reasons I don't know, and believe me, I've spent waaaaaaaaaaay more time than I ever should thinking about why it pisses me off.

Anyways, while staring at this picture, I realized that all of Miley's fingernails are chewed down to the nub, except for the pinky finger on her right hand (I think it's a fake nail, but whatever). Now, back in the day, it was fashionable for cokeheads to grow one (or both) of their pinky fingernails long so that they could easily scoop up a healthy pile of that marching powder for sniffing, and I'm here today to posit the idea that Miley Cyrus herself, all 15 or 16 years of her, is a cokehead.

And why not? What else is she going to spend her $700 million fortune on, if not expensive drugs? Besides, her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, who is an absolute tool with even less talent than Miley herself. If I were Ms. Cyrus, I'd be taking even harder drugs than cocaine, that's for sure. Hell, I'm so bored right now, a little coke would be a godsend.

God, are you there? It's me, Hank. Could you drop an 8-ball on my desk while I go get another Sunny D outta the vending machine?

Ach, who am I kidding...God doesn't share his stash.

Ach, who am I kidding...God doesn't exist. If s/he did, we wouldn't have to look at fucking Miley Cyrus flashing us that fucking peace sign all the time, and coke would be more affordable.

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 11 November 2008

MEAL: 1 Roast Pork Egg Roll + 1 small order Pork Egg Foo Young = $5.35 + $1.65 tip

Hotcha! Hank

They Say It's Spring, I Say It's A Sideways Maneuver

More Blossom Dearie, more Manhattan...

Hotcha! Hank

Manhattan Is Going To The Dogs

Well, I'm not sure what this video is supposed to be about, especially in relation to the song, but I won't quibble, cuz it allows me to use the FURRY ANIMALS tag, which is one of my personal favorites. Anyways, this is the charming and gifted Blossom Dearie, doing her wonderful rendition of "Manhattan".

Hotcha! Hank

Something 4 The Weekend # 92

Blossom Dearie: May I Come In?: "Put On A Happy Face" [mp3]

More than half of America and countless people around the world are ecstatic about President-Elect Barack Obama. I'm rather excited too.

But this ecstacy can't last, because reality can be a stone-cold bitch sometimes, and aside from whatever other woes currently exist in our world, the fact remains that despite Obama's best efforts, I believe the economy is only going to get worse for America and many other countries around the world, and the recession/depression isn't going to disappear anytime soon.

So yeah, I'm wearing a happy face right now, and maybe for a short while longer, but eventually, this emotional high has got to end, and we've all gotta face facts once more. So, enjoy your happiness while you can, because it can still get worse before it gets better...

Enjoy yr weekend!

Hotcha! Hank

Last Days Of Sideways Humanity Maneuver

While searching for a Pig Destroyer video for this week's Sideways Maneuver, I happened across this...Good luck making it through all 150 seconds...

FYI - The band is called Last Days Of Humanity, and the song is called "A Divine Proclamation for Finishing the Present Existence"...

Hotcha! Hank

A Word With Moshammer's Ghost

plethora

Function: noun

Etymology: Medieval Latin, from Greek plēthōra, literally, fullness, from plēthein to be full

Date: 1541

1: a bodily condition characterized by an excess of blood and marked by turgescence and a florid complexion

2: excess, superfluity, also profusion, abundance

Hotcha! Hank

My Election Story

I went to my polling place at about 10am, figuring the mid-morning or mid-afternoon would be the best time to find a short and efficient line (Give me convenience or give me death!), and I was right. There actually wasn't a line at all, and I was in and out of there in less than five minutes.

In fact, there were about five times as many volunteers as there were actual voters at the time, and one of those volunteers was an older white man of about 75 years of age who was manning the machine in which voters fed their ballot after filling it out, and handing out the "I Voted" stickers...

(trust me, this is going somewhere)

So, after I had filled out my ballot, I approached this man and the ballot machine, and in front of me there was a young black woman of about 20 years old who had apparently made a mistake on her ballot because the machine rejected it. She had to tear up her ballot in the presence of a volunteer, and then fill out another ballot, and so she walked away, back to a booth to do it again.

She couldn't have been more than fifteen feet away when this old man, out of the blue, says directly to me, "Fucking jigaboos."

I stood there dumbfounded for a second or two, staring incredulously at this man, who continued talking.

"There are so many blacks voting today, and apparently alot of them never voted before because alot of them are filling out their ballots wrong. What's this world coming to?"

This apparently wasn't a rhetorical question, because he looked at me as if he expected an answer from me, or more likely, some agreement.

But I just stood there, staring at him. I truly didn't know what to say, and could finally only suggest, after a few seconds, that he "ought consider what he's saying, and who he's saying it to". I shook my head, fed my ballot into the machine, and left the polling place with a slightly sour and bittersweet feeling, which had stuck with me until earlier tonight.

This is the 7th presidential election I've voted in, and aside from my very first vote in 1984, the most exciting and satisfying presidential vote I've ever cast, and here was this old racist fuck who had tainted the experience for me, and who knows how many others...

But tonight, that sour and bittersweet feeling has given way to something approaching hope, the kind that Barack Obama has promised America with his words and his demeanor throughout the campaign.

Take a look at that picture up above, which I think encapsulates how I've come to feel about this election in general, and my unfortunate encounter with that racist old man.

Racism surely won't disappear in America with the election of our first African-American president, but I do know that the old America that the old racist fuck knows and understands is now sliding into history, and while it's still going to be awhile before we put our country's troubling history completely behind us, I think it's safe to say that we're all, right now, bearing witness to some deep and fundamental changes in our society.

America no longer "belongs" to old racist fucks like that guy. His beliefs and worldview are now truly becoming a thing of the past, an archaic reminder of untenable ideas.

America now belongs, not just to those two kids in that picture, but to all of us, moving forward towards a more perfect union, unconstrained by worn-out ideologies of blind hate and ignorance.

Like I said, we've still got a long way to go, but we're definitely moving in the right direction, and last night's election of Barack Obama is a huge step. That's the world "we're coming to", and it's a newer, better world for sure.

Now, how about we secure civil rights for homosexuals? That would be another huge step towards that more perfect union.

WTF, California?

Hotcha! Hank

The Two Party System Can Be As Sad As One...

In a different year, I might have voted for Ron Paul. If I had to describe my own politics, I'd say that I fall somewhere in that nether region between Libertarianism and traditional Liberalism, a place where extreme conservatism (small or no government) swings back around to meet the extreme liberalism. It's a tough place to be because while I believe that government should stay the fuck outta the way of progress and personal liberties (we ought to legalize drugs, prostitution, etc), I also believe that we have a moral obligation to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves, and for better or worse, government programs and money are the quickest and easiest way to make sure that the less fortunate are provided for. So you see, it's a schizophrenic political philosophy that I've cobbled together for myself over the years.

Typically, I do not vote for major party candidates. Beyond my Libertarian streak, I believe the two party system is mostly a sham, and that both sides of the aisle are beholden to the true wielders of power in Washington - corporations and their lobbyists. I have voted for third party candidates with the idea, as silly as it sounds, that if enough people did likewise, we may someday be able to expand American politics beyond the two-headed beast we must suffer with today. I thought for awhile that the 1992 election might be a watershed moment in this regard, when Ross Perot garnered almost 19% of the popular vote (yes, I voted for Perot), but by the next election in 1996, Perot was only able to garner about 8% of the popular vote, and here we are today, back to the old comforts of the two party system.

So, anyways, I was struck by this picture of Ron Paul, and the loneliness and futility of the third party candidate. Ron Paul has plenty of crazy ideas (he is a Libertarian, after all), but he's been a vocal opponent of the war in Iraq since day one, and for that alone, I commend him. Like I said, in a different year, I most likely would have voted for him, but in this year's election, my biggest concern was that John McCain not become our next president (to say nothing of Barack Obama's impressiveness as a man and candidate) and so I cast my ballot for Obama. Let us all hope that Obama can run our country as impressively and successfully as he ran his campaign.

Hotcha! Hank

ROUGH RYDERS 2008: Week Nine

I'm having a hard time deciding if our beloved WINONA ROUGH RYDERS' victory this week over the WINOS can be chalked up to LUCK or GENIUS.

If there's genius involved, it would be making a couple of quick, last minute dips into the Free Agency pool to grab Leon Washington and Kevin Smith off the wires...Because of BYES and injuries, I had no choice but to make some changes if I even stood a chance this week.

Now, Leon Washington is Thomas Jones' backup for the NY Jets, and second stringers typically don't put up great fantasy numbers, but if I had to use a backup, it only made sense to use the backup to one of my own players. Washington ended up contributing pretty much exactly what I expected him to, which wasn't earthshaking, but was better than the alternative, which was starting Darren McFadden and hoping beyond hope that he'd actually play with not one, but TWO, turf toe injuries. McFadden didn't play. GENIUS!

Then there's the rookie Kevin Smith, the best running back on the Detroit Lions, but not actually starting, because washed up veteran Rudi Johnson gets the nod for being, um, a veteran, I guess. You see, in Detroit, that kind of logic is often employed, which is why they are arguably the worst team in the NFL. The Lions were playing the Chicago Bears, who have one of the better defenses in the league, so pulling the trigger on Kevin Smith was doubly risky - not a starter, going against a staunch run defense - but he put up as many FP in my team's flex position as anybody else this season, and I consider that GENIUS.

On the other hand, LUCK played a major part in this week's victory. The WINOS' starting QB, Kyle Orton, only played about half a game because of an ankle injury, and if he had stayed healthy and finished his game, we definitely would have lost. Definitely.

Otherwise, most everything else went as planned. Greg "Brillo" Camarillo far exceeding expectations, and that certainly played a part. And then there's the Pittsburgh Defense, which had a huge game against the Redskins last night, and nearly doubled their projected score...

Consider this - I was trailing by 50 FP going into Monday night's game between the Redskins and Steelers, and I didn't really think I had a shot of actually winning. I had Chris Cooley, Pittsburgh's Defense, and James Harrison left on my team, and the WINOS had Troy Polamalu, and I knew I'd close that 50 point gap, but I never thought I'd pull out a victory...

But here we are...For me, it may have been the single greatest comeback (and unexpected victory) in my fantasy football life...

Having said that, I'm going to cut this week's recap short, because it's election night in the United States, and I'd like to watch Barack Obama bring it home.

Hotcha! Hank

Tuesday's Fortune: 4 November 2008

MEAL: 2 Vegetable Spring Rolls + 1 small order Sweet & Sour Chicken = $6.45 + $1.55 tip

Hotcha! Hank

EVERYTHINGATHON! November 2008

It's the 1st of November, and that means a new episode of EVERYTHINGATHON! is uploaded and streaming over at my website of the same name...

http://www.everythingathon.com/home.htm

This month's episode is called THE NICK CAVE MYSTERY HOUR, and it's simply an hour of Nick Cave tunes threaded through an old DICK DIAMOND radio mystery...

Good stuff, so check it out through the month of November...

Hotcha! Hank