31 January 2008

Hot Thursday Filler

Some of you no doubt remember MUCKO! from ye olde ButterScotch Threshold, and if you do, then you will perhaps remember that the typical carwreck MUCKO! involved namechecking a heavy metal band, which isn't actually funny (though I find it amusing), and might be slightly less unfunny if I namechecked soft rock artists like John Denver or The Carpenters instead. Anyways, for the sake of tradition (and what am I if not sentimental?), here's a "classic" carwreck MUCKO!

And for the sake of full disclosure, I always associate car wrecks with CD or tape decks because a dude I went to high school with (and shall remain nameless), once drove his car up into a driveway, hitting a car parked there, all because he was changing cassettes in his car stereo and wasn't watching the road. As the story goes, he was taking out Def Leppard's High & Dry tape to put in Scorpion's Blackout tape...Anyways, he wasn't seriously hurt, though the auto body repair bills for both cars were rather expensive.

Hotcha! Hank

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25 January 2008

Sideways Scuttle Butt Sushi Maneuver

Oh my!

For the record, this 9+ minute chunk of YouTube goodness ranks among my favorite television moments of all time...

This is SCTV, my second favorite TV show of all time (after The Simpsons), and more specifically, this is John Candy playing Gil Fisher, The Fishin' Musician...Among all the brilliantly amazing John Candy characters on SCTV (hmmm, Hank Ranks fodder?), Gil Fisher must rank in the top 10, which is saying more than it sounds like I'm saying if you know what I'm saying.

Anyways, This is The Tubes appearance on The Fishin' Musician, wherein they go fishing for large mouth bass and later perform one of their biggest hits, "Sushi Girl", back at the Scuttle Butt Lodge. It may be nothing more than nostalgia, but like I said, this is one of my favorite moments in TV history.

Now, if only YouTube had The Plasmatics appearance on Gil Fisher's show...

Hotcha! Hank

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Sideways Quay Lewd Pinball Maneuver

So, here we've got the self-same "White Punks On Dope" from this week's SOMETHING 4 THE WEEKEND, performed live by The Tubes on The Old Grey Whistle Test, probably around 1976...Roadie-turned-frontman Fee Waybill (how's THAT for a great rock'n'roll stage name?) appears here in the guise of Quay Lewd, the drug-addled rock'n'roll nincompoop who tries to keep his shit together, all atop 13 inch high rise platform shoes...I might be wrong, but I believe Fee broke his ankle and tore an ACL during this particular performance...

Yeah, I think I'm wrong about that...

I gotta believe this particular character is a send-up of Elton John, who was certainly drug-addled throughout the 1970's, and though I'd say it's not Elton's fault that he wore those huge shoes in TOMMY, it IS his fault that he adopted them for his own stage show.

In any event, this clip from TOMMY is a totally sweet music video in it's own right, and LONG LIVE THE TUBES!

Hotcha! Hank

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Something 4 The Weekend # 54

By the mid-70's, Frank Zappa had branched out into just about every conceivable style and genre of music known to semi-educated man. Certainly gone were the highly theatrical shenanigans of his live act circa 1968, replaced with nothing more than the sheer force of the man's charisma and words...No need to rely upon stuffed giraffes spewing whipped cream and the like anymore, not when ya got the best "rock" musicians in the world onstage, not when the music and the message are so strong...
So, who would fill that void? Who could rock righteously, but with a theatrical flair that left the kids slack-jawed and drooling? KISS, you say? Oh sure, they had the circus pomp down cold, but it was too much flash, not enough righteous rocking (save Ace Frehley)...Alice Cooper? Well sure, except by the mid-70's he was dancing with spiders, singing sappy ballads and showtune-sounding treacle, and simply taking himself way too seriously...
The answer, my friends, is The Tubes.
The Tubes emerged fully-trimmed and sarcastic from San Francisco via Phoenix in 1975. They immediately proved themselves rather adept at seemingly every style and genre of music known to semi-educated man. Not only that, but they believed that humor belongs in music, and it ought to be presented with as much silly pomp as possible. And boy, did they deliver.
Mostly, The Tubes targeted the nonsensical ego and excesses of the rock'n'roll lifestyle, but in general they had a fairly profound interest in pop culture, and proved themselves ahead of the curve in terms of music videos...In fact, they knew their live act was killer, and so they shopped a demo music video rather than the typical audio-only demo-tape, and it helped them land their deal with A&M in 1974.
Anyways, this is all my way of simply saying that The Tubes are the rightful heirs to whatever crown Frank Zappa & The Mothers wore circa 1968.
Despite a couple of mainstream hits in the early '80's (again, thanks to music video and The Tubes visual brilliance), I don't think the band ever got their rightful due.
And if you want to extend this thread I got going here, I might suggest that The Flaming Lips are the rightful heirs to The Tubes...And so on and so forth...
Hotcha! Hank

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21 January 2008

Yeah, But It's A Dry Cold

Well, the unexpectedly amazing Green Bay Packers season has come to an end, one game short of the Super Bowl, with their heartbreaking 23-20 overtime loss to the New York Giants last night at Lambeau Field. The frozen tundra. Home of the Ice Bowl. Etc.
The temperature on the field at gametime was hovering right around zero, with windchills around 20-25 below zero. I tried to send some positive mojo to my beloved team in Green Bay by brushing the snow off my car in the driveway wearing only my Meat Puppets t-shirt, which is quite threadbare after 20 years, but apparently it wasn't quite enough mojo.

It would appear Bart Starr was trying to give some of his own potent brand of Packer mojo to Brett Favre, but even his mojo wasn't enough. No, there's not enough mojo in the whole state of Wisconsin to overcome one of Favre's inexplicable passes into coverage. Packerland lives and dies by Favre's right arm and left brain hemisphere, and last night we died, every last bitterly cold one of us.

It was a hard fought game under extreme circumstances, to be sure, but there were few highlights by either team. Ryan Grant, the best running back in the NFL in the second half of the season, who ran for 201 yards against the Seahawks just a week ago, was shut down by a now-formidable Giants defense. Indeed, the only real Packer highlight was Favre's 90 yard TD pass to Donald Driver in the second quarter, a new franchise post-season record.

Oh yeah, and the monster hit Atari Bigby (Winona Rough Ryders, holla!) put on Plaxico Burress. Fuckin' A!

Anyways, it's over, it's done. Most likely jinxed by the local media and their whole RETURN TO GLORY angle, which pre-supposed that the Packers would not only go to the Super Bowl, but actually beat the Patriots when they did. If we had Hines Ward on our team, well yeah, then I would have agreed.

But what the fuck do I know? Before the season started, I predicted the Packers would go 6-10 to finish third in the NFC North.

Hotcha! Hank

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7 National Chain Stores I've Never Set Foot Inside In My Entire Life


07: BW-3 (Buffalo Wild Wings)
Listen, I like, and even love, chicken wings as much as the next drunken, fat-assed American, and there's a BW-3 on State Street here in Madison that I walk past every time I go to B-Side Records and Pipefitters, but I've never felt the desire to stop there for lunch, even though several friends and a couple of co-workers have raved about the place. Usually if I'm in the mood for Buffalo wings, I make my own at home, or get some delivered from Pizza Extreme, which makes a helluva good Jamaican Jerk wing.

06: Ikea
I don't buy much furniture, but when I do, it's usually from Goodwill or a garage sale. It's cheap, just like Ikea, but it's typically much more durable, and probably not designed by Scandinavians. It's not that I don't like the people of Denmark and Sweden, but the Norwegians can go fuck themselves, and the Finnish can all go rot in hell.

05: Red Lobster
I'm mildly allergic to lobster and shrimp. My throat half-closes and it gets sore and "sour" rather quickly. This really isn't a good excuse for never eating at a Red Lobster, cuz obviously I could just eat some sort of fish, or even scallops or oysters, which I'm not allergic to, even though you'd think I would be, considering the lobster/shrimp allergy. But no, I've never taken a date to Red Lobster, nor have any friends or girlfriends ever invited me, and that includes the many formal dances I attended in high school, a time when a dinner date came first, and places like Red Lobster were considered "classy".

04: Home Depot
I've been a renter all my life, which precludes me from having to do much home repair or renovation, which isn't to say I'm not handy with tools, because I actually am, thanks to my dad, who is quite accomplished at TV and radio repair, cabinetry and general woodworking, and auto repair, among many other things. I learned an awful lot from him as a boy, and can generally solve and fix mechanical problems if I'm so inclined. Generally, I'm not inclined. But at those times when I do need tools or supplies for some fix-it project, I go to a locally-owned hardware store. Mostly cuz the daughter of the owner is cute.

03: Tower Records
If I'm not mistaken, Tower Records claimed bankruptcy a couple of years ago and there are no longer any brick'n'mortar stores, so this is definitely one chain store I'll never get to visit. They do have an online presence, but I've never looked around. I don't see the point, which might sound a bit surprising if you knew exactly how huge my record collection truly is.

02: Circuit City
I've never seen the point in shopping at Circuit City, mainly because there's almost always a Best Buy within a quarter mile, and for all my Chinese-made electronics and cheap, mainstream CDs and DVDs, Best Buy has always served me well enough.

01: Cinnabon
Trust me, I'm not one to say "no" to most baked goods, especially of the sweet variety, but I've never stopped at a Cinnabon at any mall I've ever visited. Which isn't to say I've never had one of their cinnamon rolls, because once upon a time I had a weed dealer who's girlfriend worked at one, and she was always bringing 'em home with her. They're fucking amazing, even when they're a day or three old, but despite their awesomeness, I've never stopped to buy some of my own at the mall (which is the only place I've ever seen Cinnabon stores). It is for this unreasonable reason that they're #1 on this particular list.

Hotcha! Hank

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20 January 2008

My Own Private Dual Action Cleansing

If you watch any amount of television, especially after midnight, you've undoubtedly seen this guy's goofy, over-animated, bug-eyed fucking face on yr screen. His name is Arthur P. Johnson, and along with Hugh Downs, appears in any number of informercials for Bottom Line Publications, which is currently pimping a book called Ultimate Healing.

I can't fully explain why, but whenever I run across these infomercials, I am overcome with a exceedingly strong desire to punch this guy in his face. He stirs up a primeval bile in me that defies rational thought, but I do think that if given the chance to actually jack this guy in the jaw, it may very well heal whatever may be ailing me at any given time.

And it defies all logic, but I actually want to punch Arthur P. Johnson more than I want to punch this dude, Klee Irwin, a dude that looks like a serial rapist and/or Steve Buscemi. Klee Irwin pimps something called Dual Action Cleanse, some sort of "medical formula" that promises to get all the toxic shit outta yr bowels and into yr bowl. At one point in one of his infomercials, Mr. Irwin talks at length about inspecting one of his 4-year-old daughter's bowel movements, and marvels at the size of it. Weird, creepy stuff, to be sure, but I'd rather punch Klee Irwin's name than his face. And I say that as someone who has always liked and admired the art of Paul Klee.

In any event, the first 300 responses to this post will receive TWO FREE GIFTS.*

Hotcha! Hank

*Offer not valid anywhere, at any time.

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Sideways Maneuver Is Fucking Dead

About a year and a half ago, I originally posted this video ("New Noise" by Refused) right here on HOT POOP, and within a week, the video had been removed from YouTube. I don't know if the original poster had pulled it down, or if Epitaph Records took issue to so-called infringement of a music video, which we all know are nothing more and nothing less than a promotional tool in almost every instance, but the video was removed nonetheless.

Since I compared Gallows to Refused in the latest Something 4 The Weekend, I figured I ought to post something by the band, and here we are.

BTW - The "Sideways Maneuver" maneuver is far from fucking dead. I just thought I'd be cute and namecheck another Refused song.

Hotcha! Hank

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In The Belly Of A Sideways Maneuver

It's entirely possible that this one video contains every music video production "trick" known to mankind - the jerky cut edits, naturally, but also the film reel coming off the spool, the melting film acetate, the artificially aged/worn look, complete with scratches, missing frames, faded color, oversaturation, contrast problems, etc. I'd go so far as to say this video was made by a "fookin' stoodent", but I don't want to insult anybody.

In any event - good song, good band ("In The Belly Of A Shark" by Gallows). Nothing to set the world on fire, hell, nothing even approaching "revolutionary", but hey, you get what you get when "hip" and even "popular" is determined by teenagers. They really don't know any better, their soft pink minds still ignorant of history. Time tends to fix all that.

Hotcha! Hank

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19 January 2008

Something 4 The Weekend # 53

You may recall that the Swedish punk band Refused entitled their 1998 album The Shape Of Punk To Come, and upon first listen to the British punk band Gallows debut album, Orchestra Of Wolves, I can't help but thinking these guys took Refused's words to heart, because I hear Refused influence all over this record.

And that's all I really have to say about the band. I chose the song "Stay Cold" because the high temperature today is expected to reach zero degrees fahrenheit, with windchills around 20 below zero. I was just out running errands (gotta make sure I've got enough coffee beans for the long weekend) and while all the meteorologists like to toss around the word "bitter" to describe this kind of weather, I find it rather invigorating.

Hotcha! Hank

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17 January 2008

How Sideways Is Now?

It's strange.

When The Smiths were active and in their prime, I was a teenager, and while I absolutely loved the band, I can't say that Morrissey's gloomy lyricism meant much to me. I was a happy teenager. I was popular at school, I always made the honor roll, I had great friends, I had a steady girlfriend who was fun to be with, and the sex was good'n'plenty, my parents were cool and supportive of me, etc...

But now that I'm in my 40's, I can finally relate to Morrissey's gloom. You see, I'm not a particularly happy man. I've mostly squandered whatever potential I had in my youth, I've seen few of my hopes and dreams come to fruition, I've lost touch with almost all of my old friends, I've made few new friends in adulthood, I've mostly lost faith in my fellow man, I never found deep and lasting love, and I don't really foresee anything in my life actually improving in the future.

Indeed, I now find a perverse comfort in Morrissey's bleakness that is more effective than anti-depressants. Life goes on.

Hotcha! Hank

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11 January 2008

Something 4 The Weekend # 52

I'm eating lunch with a couple of coworkers today in the cafeteria at work, and I'm telling what I believe is a pretty humorous, and possibly even poignant, story about and old friend of mine, and how she suddenly discovered one day that she was a lesbian. In the middle of my telling, another coworker approached our table and abruptly interrupted my story, immediately drawing the attention of the first two coworkers. I sat there silently, and when the interruption was done, I continued eating in silence. Neither coworker asked me to resume my story, even though I had obviously not finished telling it, so I finished my lunch, and went back to my office.

Hotcha! Hank

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07 January 2008

Monday Sideways Muppet Maneuver

Ahhhh, the incomparable Lou Rawls appearing on The Muppet Show...Hopefully this video will stick around on YouTube longer than the one I posted a year ago of Stevie Wonder on Sesame Street...

Hotcha! Hank

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05 January 2008

On The 12th Day Of Christmas...

I give to thee...TWELVE EUPHEMISMS courtesy of everyone's favorite cranky plant, JACK CACTUS...

Hotcha! Hank

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04 January 2008


The beginning of another month brings another new volume of EVERYTHINGATHON!, my podcast streaming over at my website of the same name, natch...
Not only is it the beginning of a new month, but the beginning of the new year, and as is the case every January, this month's podcast is another MITCH LOVES THE HITS, wherein WBST disc jockey Mitch Lovitz counts down the 50 most requested songs of the previous year on WBST...
Yeah, that's pretty much it in a nutshell...If yr so inclined, click the link and give it a stream...Find out what was the #1 most requested song of 2007...
Hotcha! Hank

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Something 4 The Weekend # 51

I don't listen to Top 40 radio, and I don't have cable television, so it's not uncommon for me to have certain "pop culture blind spots". For example, I had not heard "Umbrella" by Rihanna until last week, even though it was a huuuuuge smash hit this summer, so huge that the readers of ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY recently named it their favorite song of 2007.
Having finally heard "Umbrella" last week, all I can say is that it's really not that good a song to my ears. In fact, I couldn't find a single engaging hook or melody in the entire tune, and marvelled to myself that it might in fact be the single blandest, most homogenized song to ever sit atop the charts. Making matters worse, to my ears, is the fact that Rihanna simply isn't a very good singer. Oh, she's not a horrible singer, and appears to be less Auto-Tuned than most of her peers, but to me she isn't a good enough singer to overcome the mediocrity of the music. All this mediocrity might also explain her penchant for wearing latex fetish gear in concert, but then again, 95% of pop music is sold with sexual imagery to begin with, so that's a digression I should probably just walk away from.
Recently I posted a Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings tune, and mildly lamented the discernable lack of soul in modern "Soul" music (my euphemism of choice for most urban, African-American music), and I suppose this post is more of the same...It's a shame to me that a song like "Umbrella", a Soul song with little soul, should resonate so deeply with so many people.
In these situations, I like to wash away that shame and bewilderment as quickly as possible. So after I had heard "Umbrella" last week, I immediately went to my hard drive searching for something to cleanse my palate, which often involves Stevie Wonder, but what I landed upon this time was a Lou Rawls anthology from the 1960's.
Lou Rawls had tons of soul. And aside from his distinctive and great voice, he also had a knack for choosing really good songs for that voice. Frank Sinatra once said that Lou Rawls had "the classiest singing and silkiest chops in the singing game", and I'm certainly not going to quibble with the Chairman on that...
This would also be the right time to tell you that his 1976 hit, "You'll Never Find (Another Love Like Mine)", is probably my favorite song from that entire decade, and if that statement is more hyperbole than fact, I would still say that the song remains the most evocative of that era, and floods me with so many good and fond memories of my family's Florida vacation of that bicentennial year.
Silky chops, indeed.
Hotcha! Hank

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On The 11th Day Of Christmas...

I give to thee...ELEVEN QUOTATIONS to ponder in 2008...

"Men show their character in nothing more clearly than in what they think is laughable."
Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
Lily Tomlin

"Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art."
Tom Stoppard

"Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events."
Sir Winston Churchill

"The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp."
John Berry

"Manifest plainness. Embrace simplicity. Reduce selfishness. Have few desires."

"Art is either plagiarism or revolution."
Paul Gauguin

"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
The Dalai Lama

"Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae."
Kurt Vonnegut

"Time to show those evil spuds what's what."

Hotcha! Hank

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03 January 2008

R.I.P. 2007

Molly Ivins: American journalist & newspaper columnist

Barbaro: American racehorse

BamBam Bigelow: American professional wrestler

Denny Doherty: American singer, The Mamas & The Papas

Art Buchwald: American humorist & columnist

Michael Brecker: American Jazz & Pop saxophonist

Jimmy Cheatham: American Jazz trombonist

Alice Coltrane: American Jazz multi-instrumentalist

Charles Nelson-Reilly: American actor

Jerry Falwell: American evangelist

Robert Anton Wilson: American writer, futurist & conspiracy theorist

Michael "Mike Awesome" Alfonso: American professional wrestler

Sneaky Pete Kleinow: American pedal steel guitarist, The Flying Burrito Brothers

Anna Nicole Smith: American supermodel

Emmitt Williams: American poet, Fluxus artist

Ian Wallace: British drummer, King Crimson

Dennis Johnson: American professional basketball player

Billy Thorpe: Australian musician, "Children Of The Sun"

Jean Baudrillard: French Post-Modern philosopher

John Inman: British actor

Brad Delp: American singer, Boston

Bowie Kuhn: former Major League Baseball Commissioner

Calvert DeForest: American actor, Larry "Bud" Melman

Tony Scott: American Jazz clarinetist

Kurt Vonnegut: American author

Roscoe Lee Browne: American actor

Don Ho: American singer

Boris Yeltsin: former President of the Russian Federation

Jack Valenti: American President of the Motion Picture Association of America

Tom Posten: American actor, Newhart

Wally Schirra: American astronaut

Les Schwab: American tire tycoon

Clete Boyer: American baseball player

Richard Rorty: American philosopher

Guy de Rothschild: French banker and socialite

Ed Friendly: American television producer

Chris Benoit: American professional wrestler

Liz Claiborne: American fashion designer

George McCorkle: American guitarist, Marshall Tucker Band

Beverly Sills: American opera singer

Boots Randolph: American saxophonist

Jim Mitchell: American pornography producer

Tammy Faye Messner: American evangelist

Don Arden: British rock manager, father of Sharon Osbourne

Tom Snyder: American television talkshow host

Art Davis: American Jazz double bassist

Bill Walsh: American football coach, 3-time Super Bowl winner

Ingmar Bergman: Swedish stage and film director

Lee Hazlewood: American Country music singer and songwriter

Elie de Rothschild: French banker and socialite

Gato Del Sol: American racehorse

Joybubbles: American phone phreak

Tony Wilson: British owner of Factory Records, journalist

Herb Pomeroy: American Jazz trumpeter

Phil Rizzuto: American baseball player, sports broadcaster

Brooke Astor: American philanthropist

Brian "Crush" Adams: American professional wrestler

Dewey "The Missing Link" Robertson: Canadian professional wrestler

Max Roach: American Jazz drummer

Leona Helmsley: American hotelier

Haley Paige: American pornographic actress

Ray Jones: British footballer

Hilly Kristal: American bar owner, CBGB's

D. James Kennedy: American televangelist

Luciano Pavarotti: Italian Opera tenor

Madeleine L'Engle: American author

Billy Darnell: American professional wrestler

Jane Wyman: American Academy Award-winning actress

Joe Zawinul" Austrian Jazz keyboardist

Bobby Byrd: American Soul singer

Colin McCrae: British World Rally champion

Marcel Marceau: French Mime artist

Bill Wirtz: American owner of NHL's Chicago Blackhawks

Lois Maxwell: Canadian actress

John Henry: American racehorse

Slew O'Gold: American racehorse

Deborah Kerr: British actress

Teresa Brewer: American Pop and Jazz singer

Joey Bishop: American entertainer, last surviving member of "The Rat Pack"

Lucky Dube: South African Reggae musician

Max McGee: American football player, Green Bay Packers

Porter Waggoner: American Country music singer

Washoe: African chimpanzee, believed to be first non-human to acquire human language

Linda Stein: American manager of The Ramones

Robert Goulet: American singer and actor

Alderbrook: British racehorse

George Washington: Irish racehorse

Hank Thompson: American Country music singer

Norman Mailer: American author

Dick Wilson: British actor, "Mr. Whipple"

Jim Ringo: American football player, Green Bay Packers

Kevin DuBrow: American Heavy Metal singer, Quiet Riot

Sean Taylor: American football player

Karlheinz Stockhausen: German composer

Ike Turner: American R'n'B musician

Dan Fogelberg: American singer-songwriter

Jeanne Carmen: American actress and pin-up girl

Benazir Bhutto: Pakastani opposition leader and former Prime Minister

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On The 10th Day Of Christmas...

02 January 2008

On The 9th Day Of Christmas...

I give to thee...9+ minutes of William S. Burroughs and Kurt Cobain doing a spoken word/noise collage entitled "The Priest They Called Him" ...

That's Kurt in the background, playing what might be politely called "Variations On 'Silent Night'", which is appropriate for this holiday season...And the old croaking man is Mr. Burroughs, natch, telling a cheerful holiday story

Two dead junkies offering us a glimpse of a different kind of Christmas...The one Norman Rockwell never painted...
Hotcha! Hank

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01 January 2008

On The 8th Day Of Christmas...

I give to thee...EIGHT PREDICTIONS FOR 2008!


01: During the Super Bowl XLII halftime show, a "wardrobe malfunction" involving one of Tom Petty's Hearbreakers, keyboardist Benmont Tench, will shock and outrage America. The rest of the world will shrug and drink more beer.

02: The WGA strike will continue in Hollywood through the winter. Just when the AMPTP are about to concede to the writers' union this coming March, studio execs realize that Americans will essentially watch whatever reality crap you throw in front of 'em. Hello, Celebrity Wife Swap, goodbye 30 Rock.

03: Jamie Lynn Spears will give birth to an entire boy band named In2It, who are a fully owned and managed property of Disney. A few people in Ohio are shocked and outraged to learn that K-Fed is the baby boy band daddy, but the rest of us merely feel a smug sense of satisfaction.

04: This summer, aliens from a planet in the Betelgeuse system, will contact earth with a message and a plea. The message - Altruism and mutual respect among all races, creeds and ethnicities is the only way human life will survive beyond the next century. The plea - Won't somebody please convince 20th Century Fox and NBC to release on DVD all 8 episodes of the 1983 television show Manimal, starring Simon MacCorkindale as Steve, the Manimal.

05: McDonalds begins selling shushi in their American restaraunts. McFotumaki is a traditional Maki-zushi roll containing grilled salmon, avacado and mild radish, and proves to be quite popular. As does The Breakfast Chirashizushi, which is nothing more and nothing less than a sublime plastic bowl full of vinegared sushi rice, sausage, scrambled eggs and sweet corn. Meanwhile, sweet pickled ginger becomes America's newest condiment sensation, and by the end of the year two dozen brands and varieties will be available on grocery store shelves nationwide.

06: In her latest attempt to remain in the public eye and maintain some sort of relevance, Paris Hilton will finance and produce a "home video" in which the young celebutante has cocaine blown up her ass with a straw by an extremely pregnant Nicole Richie. Later in the video, Richie fucks Hilton in the ass with a very large, very menacing, very pink strap-on dildo. A highlight of this scene is when Richie exclaims, "I can't feel my cock!", and Paris responds, "It's because of all the coke in my ass!" DVD copies are available all over the internet for $29.95, shipping included.

07: In September Bigfoot "outs" himself at a press conference in Vancouver, claims Canadian citizenship, and announces a book deal with St. Martin's Press rumored to be worth $20 million. He does not take any questions from the press at that time, but the following week is interviewed by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning, America for a reported $3 Million. In the interview, Bigfoot appears to be drunk, and becomes visibly agitated when Sawyer questions him about his whereabouts during Vietnam and his supposed affair with Sharon Stone in the early 1990's.

08: John Edwards will be elected the next President of the United States, with Hillary Clinton his VP running mate.

Hotcha! Hank

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